Titrating Connection- Oppositional Series Part 4 {EP 159}

Robyn: If you've been listening for a while, or if you've read Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, or, of course, if you're a member of the club, you know that the way to strengthen the stress response system is first, to decrease the stress overload. That if we want to help the stress response system become more resilience in our kids who have sensitized stress response systems, we first have to decrease the amount of stress that they're experiencing, so that their stress response system isn't continuously being activated. And we can do that– we can use that theory– that approach, even when thinking about connection as the thing that stresses the stress response system or pushes the nervous system into protection mode, what we have to do is lower the stress. And in this case, we're talking about connection, we have to lower it enough that it is minimal enough that it is not activating the stress response system, then we're going to give the stress response system, a bit of a rest. And that rest is extremely important when building or repairing the stress response system, the stress response system is never going to get more resilient if it's constantly being overloaded. So as we think about how do we do this, specifically, with kids who are stressed by connection, instead of regulated by connection. I want you to think about it like this think about connection and attachment as a demand. So we've talked about demand on the podcast before, we've talked about lowering demands for kids who are in intense states of burnout, I interviewed Amanda Diekman over the summer. And we talked about her idea of low-demand parenting, her book, Low-Demand Parenting, and we explored low-demand parenting for a couple of episodes, we looked at how we can, you know, kind of balance low demands without enabling our kids. And so if this idea of low demand or lowering demand is brand new to you just scroll back a touch. Look for some episodes over the summer, where we talked about low-demand parenting and in this case, we want to think about connection and attachment as the demand. 

Robyn: The truth is that connection and attachment is a demand, it's a demand for all of us. So it is both regulating and allowing us to rest, right? But then being asked to like reciprocate that connection. Right? That's a demand. Now, demands aren't inherently bad, right? Having demands on our nervous system, having stress on our nervous system, having demands on the way that we interact with one another socially and have relational exchanges and experiences with each other. That's not bad. That's just a part of being human. Right? So when you hear me say, demand, again, don't interpret that as something that's negative or a bad thing. We have to kind of find the sweet spot for demand. When I interviewed Amanda Diekman a couple of months ago, she talked about demands that were hard versus too hard. And I think that's a helpful thing to think about here. When the demand is connection, relationship, and attachment as well, we want the demand to be hard, but not too hard. And for our kids who have learned that connection and attachment is unsafe, it is dangerous. So often, then connection and attachment– it's not hard, it's too hard. So as hard as it is, when helping kids who have been hurt inside the connection relationship, how we repair that is by lowering our expectations, lowering our demands for having a connected relationship. Now, this doesn't necessarily mean forever, right? We talked about that with regards to low-demand parenting to is that we can lower the stress so that we decrease the intensity with which the stress response system is being activated. And then once the demand is lowered, and we're finding some rest, and we're finding some healing, then we can start to explore the level of demand that starts to strengthen the stress response system. And the same would be true here for connection, that kind of lowering the expectation for which our kids connect with us isn't necessarily lowering the demand forever, or you know, giving up on having a connected relationship with our kids. We just have to lower the stress so that we can then kind of systematically strengthen that stress response system. Now, sometimes before we start to really do this with a lot of deliberate thought, we've got to pause for some grief. Because we all entered into the parenting relationship with the usually unspoken expectation that the relationship has some serve-and-return to it, it has some mutuality to it. Now, that doesn't mean that our kids are meeting our needs, of course not. But parenting is hard. And part of why we do it is because we get connection back from it, which then makes the hard enjoyable– it makes the hard worth it. So when we enter into this very hard relationship of parenting and don't receive connection in return, there is something there to grieve, because we have to keep showing up and offering it. And we have to keep showing up and offering that connection, even when there isn't the mutuality that we anticipated when we imagined becoming parents. And that is a very valid, very righteous thing to grieve. So please give yourself a lot of patience, a lot of care and compassion. 

Robyn: If you're parenting a child who is stressed who is threatened by connection, it's only through the grief that we can move forward with meeting our kid's needs. When I was training to be a therapist, one of the things that we learn is how to engage with our clients in a very warm connecting way that really kind of communicates something like, ‘I'm so glad you're here. I'm so open and available to connect with you.’ Right? And then I realized that that way of approaching some of my clients was just way too much. It was flooding, it was overwhelming. It wasn't an invitation of safety, it actually was kind of communicating this is a dangerous place with expectations that are too hard. And this person wants to be in relationship with you in a way that doesn't feel good, right? That's what I was unintentionally communicating to, you know, both kids and adults who had experienced connection as being both, you know, very dangerous, and in fact, even terrifying in the past, right? So I had to really learn how to titrate my offerings of connection and safety. This could look like just sort of shifting my attitude or my enthusiasm when I would greet folks in the waiting room. I mean, for some folks, I was so deliberate about offering all of this warmth, these really warm eyes, lots of eye contact, very clear nonverbals of I'm so glad to be with you today. But then I noticed that for some people, that was too much, and it was starting our time together in this very stressful way. And then people respond to that stress in different kinds of ways; adults respond to that in one way, and kids respond to that in different ways, right? Like sometimes kids would, you know, lock themselves in the bathroom, or they would say something really mean to me or they would run past me on my way to my office and push me over as they passed by and it would start our time together in this way that felt kind of hard and yucky instead of you know, warm and connecting and safe. And so I had to sort of like, be a little more nonchalant when I greeted these folks in the waiting room right? I maybe would multitask a little as I went out there like say hello to them while also straightening a pile of magazines or say hello to them and then say, ‘Actually, I need to use the restroom really quickly.’ Or I might just say a very kind of unenthusiastic like oh, hey, cool to see you today, want to go to the office? Instead of a big bright warm like oh my gosh, Miss Robin is so happy to see you today, I can't wait to play with you. Let's join hands and walk to the office together taking as biggest steps as possible, right? Like that'd be a really connected way to kind of greet a younger child in the waiting room. And with some kids, that has to just be like, Oh, hey, good to see you. Right? Like, I just had to really decrease the intensity of the connection, which also implicitly decreases the expectation of kind of the return of connection that I was getting, like, I really needed to communicate non-verbally, like, Hey, I don't need much from you, right? Like, I'm not here with an expectation that you meet my needs for connection. 

Robyn: Now, the other thing that was important about kind of approaching kids in this way, is I needed to set my own expectations for how that relationship was going to go, right? Like I really needed to lower the expectation I had of this child responding to me in a highly connected way. So how might this translate to you at home? Let's brainstorm that a little bit. What are times of intense connection, that you could take some pretty deliberate opportunities to sort of reduce the offering of as well as the expected receiving of connection back? Right? What are ways that you could insert like another activity into something that's typically highly connecting, like a mealtime? Alright, could you bring in something else to do at mealtime besides just being there in intense connection with one another? How about times of reunion, right? Like when your child gets home from school or first gets in the car? Are there ways to lower the intensity of the connection and the reunion, by shifting focus to something else it could be, I know, this will sound so counterintuitive, y'all, this will sound counterintuitive, but maybe when your child gets in the car, you're kind of busy with another task. So you can give a like, Oh, hey, kind of greeting, without giving them your full attention, which again, is also then saying that you're inviting them to give connection to you during those moments, too, right? So maybe when my kid gets in the car, I'm sending an email on my phone, or I'm reading a book if I've been in the pickup line for a while, right? I think, you know, the specifics of this are really going to vary based on your situation. But I'm hoping I'm kind of conveying my point here, which is, you're going to kind of go the opposite direction that most people say to go, which is increase connection at these times, really be present. Make sure you're giving your child the presence that they need in order to know that you're open and safe and available for connection. Some of you actually need to back that off. And not offer so much connection. I know, I know, this can feel so counterintuitive. 

Robyn: So think about times where there's, you know, some expected face-to-face connection and can you instead sit side-by-side? Think of some times when there's some typical physical touch involved, and look at whether there are ways to decrease that amount of physical touch or increase the consent that's asked for ahead of time. Or can I experiment with creating experiences of safety with physical touch by playing games that involve physical touch? Like, I remember one time, just spending eons of time with a little one putting on temporary tattoos, and putting temporary tattoos on ourselves putting temporary tattoos on each other. And it was bringing in some sense of silliness, right? Like putting temporary tattoos all over our bodies and on our faces and on our cheeks, right? There was some silliness there. So that kind of makes a buffer for the intensity of connection right when we can pull in some play. Other thing about temporary tattoos is there's some proprioception involved, right, some deep pressure. And so even though that's touch, sometimes the proprioception can be regulating as well, right? There can be different ways we add in some regulation, to these moments of connection. And then we can kind of practice being in connection with one another, do things together where the goal isn't just connection, but connection is a part of it, like creating something together, cooking something together, building something together, something that has a very clear process, structure, outcome. That can often help, you know, be able to tolerate some connection and togetherness. Think of ways that just in general, support or widen the window of tolerance. So for me, I'm often thinking about sensory things that can really support or widen the window of tolerance. So lycra, playing around with lycra and really widen up the window of tolerance. So sometimes I would put– when I was in the office, I would put a child and a parent together in like a big lycra tube. And then inside the lycra tube, they could play some sort of connecting game together, or they could have a conversation or a moment of connection with one another because I had added in something that created some structure that offered some sensory experience that then kind of contributed to a widening of the window of tolerance, which then makes it possible to tolerate stress better, right? Even if that stress is connection. Doing sports together could be a way that widens your specific child's window of tolerance because we're getting some sensory, some gross motor, right, we're getting most sports have some bilateral movement in it through running or jumping or kicking, right? So these kinds of things contribute to the widening of our window of tolerance, that helps you widen the ability to tolerate stress if maybe the stress is connection. Entering into our kid's worlds and really doing what they love and what they want. Because again, that doing something that you love, something that's pleasurable to you, that widens your window of stress tolerance, and so looking for ways to enter into their world do the things that they like, play Pokemon Go, you know, play video games, listen to them talk about a topic that's not terribly interesting to you. Right? If you can enter into something that delights them, they're gonna have a little more tolerance for something that's stressful, like, connection. 

Robyn: Think about connecting experiences or activities that also have a specific desired outcome, like styling hair, doing nails, lotion, things like that, like things that aren't for the sole purpose of connecting. There is a beginning, a middle, and an end, there's usually a sensory experience and obviously, in these situations, I'm looking for sensory experiences that are pleasant, we don't want to add more stress to something that's already stressful (connection), and then think that it's going to be helpful, right? And maybe, you know, doing hair or nails or lotion, even that is way too much connection. So titrate that down, right? Instead of doing lotion together, maybe you just make sure you buy their favorite lotion. Instead of doing hair together, you make sure that they have their favorite scented shampoo, or they have you know, the supplies that they need or you pay attention to make sure they don't run out. Right? When we do these types of things. We're really helping our kids experience, ‘Hey, I see you. I know you. I thought of you when we weren't together.’ That can be a way of titrating up connection, maybe they won't share an activity with you, but you know, they really enjoy a specific activity. And so you're gonna make sure that they have what they need for that. Think about how can I communicate to this child, I thought of you and we weren't together, I bought your favorite cereal when we were out and made sure that we had it in the pantry. Knowing that somebody holds you in their mind, and thinks of you, even when you're not together is an extremely powerful way of saying, hey, connection is safe. And it's an extremely powerful way of doing that in a very kind of low-demand way. Now, I know there are so many of you listening who are already feeling like the relationship you have with your child is very transactional. And so imagining being in relationship with your child, and these ways I'm suggesting, which are pretty transactional, right? I'm saying like, making sure they have their favorite toiletries, pick up their favorite cereal when you're at the store, these can feel like continued ways of being in a transactional relationship, what I would really invite you to do is see if you can just shift how you're seeing these experiences, and also even the energy that you're bringing to them because if they feel transactional, you're probably engaging in them in a transactional way. And that's theoretically potentially going to be really hard on your nervous system, right, you're gonna lose the experience of care being like pleasant or enjoyable. So I invite you to just sort of track this in yourself. And see if by shifting your perspective that helps at all, that you aren't colluding with the transactional way, or the maybe what can even feel like a manipulative or an objectifying way of being in relationship. Instead, what you're doing is being extremely attuned to the intensity of connection and relationship that feels safe for your child. And you're meeting him in a place that feels safe. 

Robyn: As hard as it is, because it goes against the very felt sense of what we need for connection and safety. As hard as it is, see this as a way that your child is being so brilliant, and how they titrate the vulnerability of connection, connection is so vulnerable. And there's only so much vulnerability, we can all take and we're constantly self-titrating the amount of vulnerability that we can take– you and I are doing this as well, this is your child's way of self-titrating the amount of vulnerability that they can take. Look for ways when your child feels like they're doing things intentionally to kind of poke at you, or get a rise out of you. Look for ways to instead of reacting to it, can you lean into it with any level of playfulness? For example, I'm remembering a situation and which I was kind of offering up this very silly, you know, childlike game to a child, this very silly, kind of like toddler preschooler kind of game. And, you know, the way I was sort of introducing it or offering it up, you know, they were responding to it in a way that was a very deliberate, I'm not going to participate in this with you. And initially, in fact, this has happened more than once. And the first time it happened, I was just frazzled. I didn't know what to do. I don't really remember how I kind of shifted out of the activity, but it probably wasn't with a lot of, grace, I probably was pretty frustrated. So when it happened again, the next time I was kind of prepared for it like oh, I'll bet you they're gonna kind of, almost, sabotage this connection. And so is there a way if that happens again, I could lean into it with some playfulness? And so there was this way that we were, you know, the point of the game or the activity was to kind of collaboratively hold this item together and what the child was doing was the moment we would kind of enter into this collaboration. And we were both kind of holding this item together, they would release it and it would fall down, which was really defeating, like the intended purpose of the game. And so I was like, Oh, you have a different idea for this game, you want to see how quickly can we drop it? Right. So I wr– like, we call it in theraplay, like rolling with the resistance is a way to keep the connection train on the tracks without flooding their system for too much connection. What I was seeing with this child was the collaborative effort was too much for them. They didn't want to collaborate together, they wanted to kind of, in a way, like sabotage the effort. And so I just turned that into a game. And so I met their need for– I met, the amount of connection that they could tolerate without withdrawing the connection. That's a really hard thing to do. And as I already told you, the first time it happened, I didn't, I wasn't able to do it. But when I kind of saw the writing on the wall, like, oh, this might happen, I was a little more prepared for it. And I could think then of ways, well, one to not take it personally and then two, to be like, Oh, how could we be playful with the amount of connection that feels tolerable for them? 

Robyn: If our kids at one point experienced connection as being tied to danger, we now need connection to be paired with safety, which means that it doesn't flood their stress response system. And then, are there ways that we can now pair connection with maybe something that's even pleasant, or delightful or playful? We've kind of got to sweeten the deal. That connection in and of itself isn't what's pleasant we need to kind of bring in pleasant to sweeten that connection deal and then kind of pair together connection with what feels good. Instead of what has been paired together which is connection and feels bad, right? Like when babies are born and they're developing. They're experiencing connection while tied with sensations of like contentedness, and satiation, right? When they're being fed, right? These pleasant sensations even taste right kind of get tied in together with connection. And they learn that Ooh, connection feels good. So if connection hasn't felt good in the past, we need to find ways to, again, like sweeten the deal, like make connection not only be about connection, but it's about some other thing that the child already knows feels good, like a favorite snack, like a favorite treat, like a favorite activity. Okay, it's okay to deliberately tie those two things together. Now, it's not increasing the transactionalness of it. It's actually helping the nervous system kind of relearn what I think is like a very basic human right, which is that connection can feel good. Without question, you may have to practice radical acceptance of the truth that your child doesn't have enough felt safety in their nervous system to risk connection. And that connection sends them into protection mode. And connection is something that they are going to kind of fight or reject. And remember, we started this this is a series on opposition ality right so your kids are responding to connection with opposition ality and connection isn't helping them feel soothed. It's like this double whammy. So part of what you're going to need to do is lower your expectation for connection. Shift your thoughts about the relationship and hopefully not in a way that you become bitter about what's lacking in the relationship, but instead in a way where you can occasionally touch into and find some compassion for your child, and what they're really missing out on. Which is something that is directly creating our core humanity, right like, like, the only thing that makes being human worth it is our experience in connection. And so for your child to be really missing out on that is just really tragic for both of you. But really, especially for them. If you're parenting an older child or a teenager or a young adult, there may be a space for you to be in radical acceptance or connectedness, contentedness, that this is the level of connectedness that your relationship is going to have. And can that be okay? 

Robyn: If you have a child whose nervous system is regularly in protection mode, regularly, keeping itself safe, keeping themselves safe, with behaviors of opposition and defiance, because that's keeping us out of connection. And connection hasn't been something that's offered safety and regulation in the past. So you're not going to really be able to rely on connection as a way to help your child feel safe. We don't have to give up, we just have to be a lot more strategic about how we can titrate the connection. So if you're parenting this child, a child who isn't regulated by connection, right, where you can't kind of use connection as a way to help their stressed out nervous system feel safe again. If you're parenting this child, know that your nervous system is experiencing an intense amount of stress as well. You really need to find places where you can experience rest and connection where you can feel seen and known and not judged. And you can get some of your connection needs met because continuing to offer connection to a child who continuously rejects it is very painful. And without the supports in place that you need, you will move into feeling and being experienced as traumatic. So I really want you to prioritize, meeting this need in yourself. And I'm just so so sorry, if that feels ridiculous to you. If that feels like impossible, like it's impossible for you to find more relationship, find more connection, find more safety yourself, I get that I've known parents who feel that way, and whose life in many ways really is that way. And I know it isn't enough. But what I want to offer you is to just keep coming back here. That it's not enough that your relationship with me is, you know, in your podcast app and through your earbuds and maybe through the book that I wrote, it isn't enough. But it is something. And so if you're struggling to find places of being safe and being seen and experiencing connection, keep pressing play. I mean, we are on what episode like 160? So especially if you're new here, there's a lot for you to go back and listen to. And I really want to invite you to do that. 

Robyn: All right, folks, this is wrapping up our four-part series on oppositional behavior, we learned about the science of opposition, we looked at some strategies to offer safety and connection to the nervous system that's in protection mode because that will decrease the oppositional behavior, and then we looked at the very unique setup of the nervous system that experiences connection as dangerous, and how we might offer connection to that child but then in a very titrated kind of way. Regardless of your role with kids and families and regardless of the way you're supporting kids and families just know that I'm so grateful that you're here. Slowly but surely we are increasing the number of adults and grownups in the world, who are seeing kids and their behaviors, and other people too, through the lens of the nervous system. And bringing more safety, bringing more connection, bringing more regulation to one another. And y'all that really matters, it matters what you're doing. I'm so grateful. I really, really see you. If you need more support, head to my website, I have a huge Free Resources tab. Also, on my website, on the podcast page, you can enter in search terms, and you can find other episodes that are about the topics you're looking for. You can read about the club over on my website, which is my virtual community for parents who need more connection, co-regulation, and education themselves. And of course, you can read about my new book Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, which you can buy basically anywhere you buy books online. So that's robyngobbel.com for more support, and more resources. If you haven't already, hit subscribe to the Baffling Behavior Show in your podcast app go ahead and do that. That'll make sure that you're always notified of new episodes as they are released. And I will see you back here next week with next week's new episode. Bye, y'all.