Opposition, Defiance, & Control

A Brain-Based Deep-Dive

It kinda sounds like “Lion, Tigers, and Bears, OH MY!” right?

I suppose in a way, opposition, defiance, and control isn’t terribly different than lions, tigers, and bears 😊.  Parenting a child who feels stuck in oppositional, defiant, and controlling behavior can certainly be exhausting.  It’s walking on eggshells, just longing to relax in your home.

One of the most difficult aspects of being with someone who is oppositional, defiant, or controlling is that it invites US to become those things, too.

Think about it- what’s your instinct in how to respond to someone being controlling? 

We tend to dig in our heels, too.  Get controlling, too.  It starts to become a tug-of-war, battle of the wills, right?

This is completely normal because our nervous systems are contagious!  Unless we pause and make a choice to soothe ourselves, our bodies are going to respond to oppositional, defiant, and controlling behavior by becoming exactly those things ourselves.

Remember in the felt-safety blog that I talked about how our nervous system is looking ‘inside, outside, and in-between’ to determine if we feel safe or not?

That applies to us too!!!

If we are with someone whose nervous system is in a fear-based defensive state, we experience that as not safe.

And now our nervous system shifts into a fear-based defensive state.

Makes sense!  But unfortunately, ultimately not helpful- for us or our kids.

And remember how we learned to track arousal instead of only behaviors? (Using behaviors as cues for levels of arousal).

Well…oppositional, defiant, and controlling behavior are CUES for arousal!

If connection is a biological imperative (it is!!!! You can read about that HERE) then we automatically know that a child (person!) demonstrating oppositional, defiant, or controlling behavior has flipped into their fear-based brain.

They are not experiencing felt-safety.

We can use fancy science words like “neuroceiving” (coined by Dr. Stephen Porges) to talk about this spidey-sense that helps our brain determine if we are safe or not safe.

We only get oppositional, defiant, or controlling when we ARE NOT FEELING SAFE.

When we are not NEUROCEIVING SAFETY.

And because in every unfolding moment we are all responding to the reality that is created by our minds based on what’s actually happening in the here and now AND based on everything that has happened in the past, we MUST trust that our child is responding to their own reality of safe or not-safe.  (This is weird, right?  You can read an article about the way our minds create our reality based on the NOW and the PAST by CLICKING HERE).

But when you child is acting oppositional, defiant, controlling, or even aggressive, and you remember that they only demonstrate these behaviors when their own reality tells them that they are not safe, you might be thinking “BUT this is not my reality!  EVERYTHING IS SAFE!!!”  You might be left scratching your head, or even feeling angry, because THERE IS NOTHING UNSAFE HAPPENING HERE!!!

Yes.  That’s true.  That’s your experience of reality.

And it’s also true, all at the same time, that if your child is being oppositional, defiant, or controlling, that they aren’t experiencing felt-safety.

They are neuroceiving danger.

There is literally no other reason to be oppositional.  Defiant.  Controlling.

Read that again.

There is literally no other reason to be oppositional.  Defiant.  Controlling.

Humans are designed to be in connection.  In cooperative relationships.  It’s literally how we survive.

Unless we feel unsafe.  And then we survive by not complying.

So…what on earth do we DO about this?!

The number one strategy for parenting or working with a child with behaviors that could be labeled oppositional, defiant, or controlling is CURIOSITY.

A breath.  A pause.

Then I say to myself:

This child is experiencing cues of danger- inside, outside, or in between (or some combination of two or all three).

This isn’t personal.

This is survival.

It’s weird that this is about survival because it sure doesn’t seem like there is anything dangerous, let alone life threatening, happening right now.

But I will trust in the truth that connection is a biological imperative and feeling unsafe is the only explanation for oppositional, defiant, or controlling behavior.   

Now….my own nervous system has settled.

This is important because one, it’s exhausting to be chronically in fight/flight, even mildly.  And parenting a child with a history of trauma leaves us in our own chronic state of fight/flight because nervous systems are contagious!!!  So it’s super important that I look for opportunities to rest my nervous system and not respond to my child’s fight/flight behaviors with my own.

This is important because two, I cannot offer cues of safety to my child if I’m in a place of fight/flight.  And if I can’t offer cues of safety to my child, they will remain stuck in feeling unsafe, and the oppositional, defiant, or controlling behavior remains- or escalates.

Opposition, defiance, verbal aggression, and physical aggression are the stages of arousal on the fight/flight continuum- otherwise known as the watch dog brain 😊 (No idea what I’m talking about?? You definitely will want to go check out my article on Tracking Arousal instead of Behavior).

The overall big picture?

Offer cues of safety.

Soothe their nervous system.

Provide connection and regulation.

Hang in there.  We can do hard things (I know this, because we are doing them constantly.  Like it or not. It’s clearly not going away).

Robyn