When You Feel Like a Parenting Failure {EP 125}

Robyn Gobbel: Hey, all welcome back to the Parenting After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Robyn Gobbel. And together, you and I are working to make sense of the neuroscience that makes us relationally, socially, and behaviorally human, and especially our kids and parenting our kids. If you are a new listener, welcome. If you're a new listener who isn't quite sure why you're here, like maybe you don't hopefully connect with the word trauma, I just want you to know how grateful I am that you've given the podcast a chance, and hope that even if the word trauma doesn't connect with you, or resonate with you, or your family's story that you stick around in, give us a chance and see if you feel seen and heard by what we talk about here on the podcast. Over the past couple years, my focus has really shifted to talking to the grown ups who help kids with vulnerable nervous systems and big, baffling behaviors. And yeah, my area of expertise is very much in supporting the families of kids who've experienced trauma and toxic stress. I did that for almost 20 years before I shifted into a more education and advocacy role that I have now. But the more I learned about trauma and toxic stress, the more I came to the understanding that what we're really talking about more than anything is just what it means to be relationally, socially, and behaviorally human. And then how different experiences in the world including trauma and toxic stress but not limited to trauma and toxic stress, lead to nervous system vulnerability. So in many ways, this podcast is for anybody who resonates with the idea of parenting a child with nervous system vulnerability, big baffling behaviors, and maybe who resonate with that idea with regards to yourself or to partner, right? We're all coming- we're all coming to the podcast with a wide variety of backgrounds. So regardless of what brings you here, welcome or welcome back.

You know, sometimes I record episodes because it's the topic that's on the schedule. And sometimes I record episodes, because it's the topic that's on my heart. And today's episode is a topic that's been on my heart because of my experiences inside The Club, in particular, and also inside Being With. But then, you know, all the amazing folks I had the opportunity to connect with on social media and who reply to my emails, too. There's this idea that's been coming up a lot for me that has just been really drawing my heart and my mind's attention. And that's for all of you out there who are a caregiver in some way. Mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, uncle, aunt, foster family, educator, somebody in the caregiver role who's worried that not only are they not helping their kid or feeling like in some way, they're not enough to help their kid. But that they- there's actually the sense that they're making things worse for their child for how they're parenting. And so if there's any part of you that ever resonates with that worry, that who you are, and what your past is, and maybe what your own nervous system vulnerability is, and how you're bringing all of you and all of your past experiences to parenting. And you're worried that those pieces of you are actually making things worse or harder for your child. This episode is for you.

This episode is for those of you who feel like you are just trying so hard to be the parent that you want to be. You have tried so hard to break cycles and maybe to not parent in the way that you were parented. I know so many of you listening listen with that right at the top of your heart to parent differently than the way that you were parented. And I know that no matter how hard you are trying that sometimes you end up parenting and behaving in exactly the ways that you're trying not to. And maybe sometimes, it's actually really bad. And I'm not just talking about like chicken nuggets instead of a gourmet meal bad, because that's not actually bad. And I'm not talking about you couldn't make it to your kids’ holiday party at school bad, because that also isn't bad. I'm not even talking about like, yelling at your kids bad. I'm talking about maybe saying things or doing things, as a parent, that really are bad. Things that you would be so wary to tell me or maybe even any one about. But things that if you did tell me about them, that we would sit together in the truth that, yeah, there are parts of your inner world that are holding a lot of hurt. And sometimes those parts of you that hold a lot of hurt, sometimes those parts hurt other people. And maybe even sometimes, that other person is your child.

If you and I were together, I would not lie to you and tell you, “hey, that's really no big deal”. And I wouldn't try to sugarcoat it and say, “oh, hey, kids are resilient”. I wouldn't betray your trust by lying to you. I wouldn't try to make you or me more comfortable. But I would show you that I could be with you, in these places that hurt. And I would sit with you in that truth. And together, we would have some space to really grieve. We'd grieve that it takes more than one generation to heal from multiple generations of hurt and trauma. And we'd grieve that it's not fair. We'd grieve that you are likely doing the work of two, three, maybe even four generations. We'd grieve that this is the most painful place to be. This place of awareness to be able to see that you want to do differently. You want to parent differently. And in these moments of greatest stress and dysregulation, you want to do something different. But also that you just don't have enough regulation, enough internalization of safety to actually do something different. And we would grieve the truth that I can't promise you that you will have enough regulation to parent the way you want to, while your child is still a child. That, maybe when they're an adult, your child will still have a lot of work to do. A lot of work that you'd hoped you would prevent them from needing to do. But maybe when they're an adult, they will still have a lot of work to do to be able to parent the way that they want to.

Then I'd remind you of something really, really important. Something that's almost impossible for you to see. Something you might not even believe me about. You may even just have to take a big leap of faith here with me. That one, I'm someone who knows a lot about the brain. But also, I have held the enormous privilege of being with kids who are hurting. Kids who have had unthinkable things happen to them. And also adults who have had unthinkable things happen to them. They have all told me in different kinds of ways, how it would have mattered to them. If their parent had ever acted in a way that suggested that they were aware of how they were behaving. That they were aware of what they were doing. That- that they were aware that what they were doing was hurting their child. All of these folks that I've talked to, both kids and adults, have said that if they knew that their parent was aware and was trying to do something different, even if they couldn't actually do anything different, that that would have mattered. And that that would have mattered so, so much. It would matter to them to have a parent who knew they were hurting them and was trying to stop, even if they couldn't.

And yes, me and you, we would sit, and we would acknowledge that wanting to do different, and trying to do different, and still not being able to do different, yeah, sure, it's not enough. I know you want to do different, and in many circumstances, maybe even most, you do do different. And in some circumstances, you simply just can't. The hurt and the chaos that still lives in your inner world, it's sometimes just still too much. And I would tell you, that that's not your fault. Just like I'm confident that your child's inner world is healing at exactly the pace that is right for them. I'm confident that yours is, too.

And I know that you're furious, and disappointed, and angry, and maybe even devastated that the healing can't be faster. And you're mad that you're not in control of that feeling. That you don't get to be in control of the pace. And if we were together, I would be with you in that mad. I would be with you in that rage, and in that fury, and that devastation. We would be together. I wouldn't offer you any platitudes. I would just sit with you in that anguish. And I would know that my willingness to be with you and your deepest pain is the best that we both can do. There is no strategy. There is no technique. Because if there was, you would have mastered it by now. But you are being brave by letting me be with you. You are being brave by allowing your hurt to arise and to let my presence touch you. You are taking in exactly what you can. And I trust you. I know that you wish you could go faster. And I wish you could go faster too. But we're not in charge.

The thing is, is that you see your child's hurt. They are seen and known by you. And not just in their goodness, but in their hurt. Even in the hurt that you cause. And that really matters. It matters so much. I promise you. It matters. And I'm not trying to just make you feel better. But I want you to know, I see you. I see you in your pain, and I see you in your hurt. And you know how important it is to be seen in your pain and in your hurt, and that's why you listen to this podcast. Because you want to see your child. And probably many of you listen to this podcast because, in addition to us working together to see your child, there's probably parts of you that feel really seen by what we talk about in this podcast too. So I see you.

And if you're struggling to be the parent that you really want to be and you know that sometimes the way you parent is hurting your child, I want you to just know that this podcast is for you. And I hope that you keep pressing play. I hope that you come back next week. I hope that between now and next week's episode, you press play on old episodes. I hope that you listen enough that you start to hear me in your mind. You start to hear me in the compassion that I'm offering your child and the compassion that I'm offering you. I hope that you start to hear that, even when you're not listening to the podcast. And until you do hear that, I want you to keep listening.

I'm so honored that you come here. I'm so honored that you keep pressing play. I see you. And we're gonna keep doing this together, me and you. So whether you're parenting a child with a history of trauma, or you're parenting a child with some nervous system vulnerability that comes from some other place, not from trauma or toxic stress, but from some other place or- or maybe you have no idea where your child's nervous system vulnerability comes from. You just know that a lot of vulnerability lies in their own nervous system. And you're feeling baffled by their behaviors, and probably at times baffled by yours. This podcast is for you. And I can't wait to be with you again next week.

Thank you so much for inviting me in. Thank you so much for pressing play. Thank you so much for being part of this global community that I believe is gaining a lot of traction. Where we can be with each other, even when we're not with each other. That we can be with each other, we can have this energetic sense of we're in this together. Everything that we believe about our kids and everything we're trying to do when we show up, when we press play, and we show up in this way for our kids that we can show up for ourselves and for each other in that way, too. I'm so honored. I'm so honored to sit behind this microphone and to know so many of you press play. And then maybe you share it with somebody else who needs it as well. I'm just so grateful that I have this opportunity. So, do please keep coming back. We're gonna keep getting together, me and you. We’re gonna keep doing this thing. We're gonna keep coming back. I see you. I will see you next week.