The Privilege of Parenting With Safety {EP 169}

Robyn: Before we go any further, I want to just pause and define, kind of, where I'm coming from when I use the word privilege. And I also want to just straight up acknowledge that for a lot of us, especially those of us who hold a lot of privilege, like myself, the word privilege can actually begin to shift us into protection mode. And one of the things that I think is true about privilege is that we use it in ways that we can, and sometimes that means regulating through being uncomfortable. And so that's just an invitation, that if even beginning to think about or talk about privilege begins to kind of shift us into protection mode starts to feel uncomfortable, that could be an opportunity, not necessarily, but it could be an opportunity to just pause and consider can I be with both? Like can I be uncomfortable and still hang with this conversation? So I went to the internet and dictionary.com, gave me this definition of privilege, 'a special right advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.' And then a United Way Website gave me this definition of privilege, 'privilege is unearned access or advantages granted to specific groups of people because of their membership in a social group.' Now, I know that for so many of us listening, especially those of us raised in Western culture, the language unearned can quickly flip us into protection mode.    

Robyn: We were raised on this philosophy, on these beliefs, that if we work hard enough, we can earn goodness, essentially, right? That's a gross oversimplification, but let's just put it that way. And there was a lot of emphasis placed on working hard and earning something. And so we learned that the word unearned is negative or criticism, and I want us to just acknowledge that, and pause, and notice it, that actually the word on earned is completely neutral. As is the word privilege. At its core, the word privilege is completely neutral. It's not a good thing, or a bad thing. Okay, so when I use the word privilege it's not critical. It's giving language to something that exists. And if you've listened to this podcast for any length of time, you know, I'm a huge, huge, huge fan of the concept, of like, making the implicit-explicit saying what's unseen. That actually, if we kind- if we tried to whittle down, like some of the key core pieces of my work and the work that I've done, both in and out of the therapy room, helping people be brave enough to see what's unspoken and then give words to it, is actually one of the biggest things I'm constantly doing with folks. Seeing what we're not talking about and then talking about it. The power in that is enormous. It brings so much safety to the moment, so much safety to the experience. And then so much choice, so much choice. So the thing about privilege is not that it's something that's bad to talk about. And it's not criticism, it's just a thing. And it is just a thing.    

Robyn: My philosophy is, of course, it's like, well, let's just talk about it. Because I'm a big believer, in you know, how can those of us who do hold some privilege- and that could shift and change, right? Like the times where I might hold some privilege might shift and change in different circumstances. But in the times that we do hold some privilege can we use that privilege to, I don't know, y'all like, make the world a better place? I know, that could sound really ridiculous and cliche, but I really think that and maybe that is such an example of my own privilege that I think I can contribute to the world in a way that makes it a better place. But I do, I do. And I believe that's actually part of my obligation, when considering all of the significant privileges that I do hold. Remember y'all at my core, I'm a social worker, right? Like I've been a social worker since- well really, probably since forever. But officially, right, since you know, for well over 20 years, right? Thinking about privilege and looking at how we can reduce barriers, or at least acknowledge systemic inequalities, is in my blood, like it is part of who I am. But I am also a white, upper middle class, educated sis, hetero woman, and those are just scraping the surface of the privileged identities that I hold. So please, please, please keep all that in mind. In an episode about privilege. And I'm attempting to record an episode about privilege coming from a place of significant privilege, okay, I just want us to be holding those two truths together.    

Robyn: So I started learning about interpersonal neurobiology, relational neuroscience, and ultimately, the science of safety about 15 years ago. And I wasn't too far into that journey, when I realized that felt safety, like the thing we're basing all of this on. Felt safety is a privilege. It's a privilege is not available to a whole lot of folks. And why does this matter? Like why does acknowledging that truth? Why does acknowledging the truth that felt safety is a privilege not available to very many, especially because all of my work is based on the science of safety and on unfilled safety? Right? Why is it important to acknowledge that it is a privilege that isn't available to many?    

Robyn: So first off, let's look at how I'm very regularly talking about needing to cultivate some of our own internal regulation and felt safety in order to parent kids with regulation and felt safety, right? That we've chosen by coming together and listening to this podcast, or reading my book, or joining the club, or joining Being With and then choosing to do this work in your own practices, right? Like we've come together around the idea that cultivating our own internal regulation and felt safety is crucial. Like that's a key piece of this work if we want to help other folks develop more regulation, and connection, and felt safety and obviously implicit in that is the idea that developing regulation and connection of safety is that important, right? That we're going to organize an entire model around it. So we've organized a model and an approach here around cultivating more regulation and felt safety, while also needing to acknowledge that for some folks that borders on, or maybe actually is, impossible. Or it at least borders on impossible to do. While their children are still young and being parented by them. Cultivating regulation, and feel safety, and internalized connection of others, is absolutely possible, but I give no timeline for that. And for some folks, does it take longer than the 18 years that we have and parenting a child? Absolutely. Absolutely. It just does. Now, y'all my primary area of expertise is supporting folks with significant histories of complex and developmental trauma, both kids and adults. As when I was seeing clients, I was probably about 50-50, kids and their families, and adults and 99% of them, you know, had histories of complex and developmental trauma. And the other 1% I'm totally making this up. If that's not clear, I'm totally making up these numbers. You know, the vast, vast, vast majority of histories of conflicts and developmental trauma and the other, you know, tiny percentage are folks who had really vulnerable nervous systems very sensitized stress response systems, and that that was maybe due to some other other reason or some other cause.    

Robyn: So, not having a nervous system that is cultivated inside experiences of trauma is a privilege. And I know many of you listening intimately know that because of your own journey, or because of your kids journey, or because of your clients journey. And I intimately know this. That to experience early life in a way that allows us to like knit into our nervous system regulation, and connection, and feel safety, that is a privilege. It's a privilege, again, that many of you listening don't have. And it's a privilege that many of your children don't have. You know, when life begins with a lack of safety, and connection, and co-regulation, the developing brain misses out on the reality, that safety could even be a thing, that it's even possible. And the brain is mostly concerned with predicting the future. And it does that based on our past experiences. So for some folks, they can't help but believe, to feel, to know, in their bones, that everything is actually unsafe. And if everything is unsafe, shifting into connection mode is nearly or completely impossible. If your memory networks tell you to expect a lack of felt safety, and your actual life has a lot of dysregulation in it because you live with someone with a vulnerable nervous system. And then someone else, me, tells you that the most important part of parenting this child is regulation, connection and felt safety. Well, good grief. Right? Like that begins to border on absurd. Felt safety is a privilege and it's a privilege that many don't have. And if we're going to remember that one of those definitions of privilege I read at the beginning talks about it being unearned and I think this helps it make sense. Like the folks we know who did get a start in life where they did learn about safety, and connection, and co-regulation, that is unearned and of course it's unearned. I believe it's a human right to know about regulation, connection and felt safety. It's not though something that everybody gets. And so we can see how that with no criticism, is something we can call an unearned privilege.    

Robyn: I want to talk to my professional listeners here for just a moment. It is so important to walk in to your experiences of connection with your clients with this at the forefront of your mind? If your clients are struggling to rest into safety, let that be tragic instead of frustrating. It's so full of grief to be with folks who don't know safety. And it is true that oftentimes the behaviors of those folks, whether they be kids or adults, can be hard. It is hard to be with somebody who's chronically in production mode. Right? It makes a lot of sense that you would be pulled into frustration, irritation, helplessness, hopelessness, it makes a lot of sense. And because if we sit in the professional chair, if we wear the professional hat, we can acknowledge that we hold some privilege and some privilege of felt safety, even. Right. And we can invite ourselves to notice the poll into frustration, irritation, helplessness and hopelessness. And then try to find our way back to being with somebody with whom felt safety is elusive, is tragically sad. It's tragically sad. And then we have to be brave enough to be with that grief. But also, don't give up. If clients are coming to you, they have a sense of hope somewhere, even if it feels like it's buried underneath, you know, 50 billion truckloads of something, I don't know, that's a bad metaphor. But the hope is there somewhere, or they wouldn't come. If clients are coming to you, there is some belief somewhere that safety is possible, that things could be better, or again, they would not go. How quickly the scale of safety will tip, how quickly that person will be able to experience more cues of safety, instead of more cues of danger, and begin to have the ability to start resting into protection mode- well, I have no idea about that. It could be one year or two years, it could be five or 10 years, it could even be much, much longer. And yes, of course, that means that it could be longer than how much time they have actively parenting. But it still is not hopeless. I mean, I've set up my entire life around this. So clearly, I believe this is not hopeless. Everything I do is to bring my privilege of safety to others. And so I believe, of course that this is not hopeless, it matters. It matters, even if it's going to take decades, for folks to receive that safety enough, that kind of, their metaphorical scale of safety versus not, can tip more towards safety more often than not tipping that way.   

Robyn: The work that our clients are doing, the work that you're doing with them, even if we're not seeing a whole lot of observable change. Or even if we can all acknowledge that it's going to take a long time before they're going to shift and change in the ways they're really really longing for. Even if all of that's true, the work we're doing still really, really, really matters. But you've got to trust that their nervous system will shift towards safety and exactly the right pace for them. And yeah, that might be really slow. And if that's true, then yes, parenting with regulation, connection, and felt safety, will be hard. But please, please, please don't hear anything that I'm saying as an invitation to give up, don't hear anything that I'm saying as me suggesting that this is the wrong approach. What I want you to do is please, please, please hear this as another opportunity to show up with so much compassion, with so much trust for that person and their nervous system. And yeah, sometimes that's going to be full of grief. It's tragic, it is so full of grief, that safety is a privilege.    

Robyn: Let's shift a little away now from talking about felt safety being elusive due to a history of trauma. And look at how felt safety is elusive to some folks because of their actual current reality. I could never, ever begin to touch on all the ways that felt safety is elusive to folks all around the world. And so I don't really even plan to try. Some though, those ways are really easy to consider, right? People are impacted by war, or oppressive and violent governments all over the world. Some people are impacted by a lack of access to things we should consider basic human rights, like food, a safe place to live, medical care, those kinds of things. It's kind of easy to see how those types of things are certainly contributing to significant lack of felt safety, right? There's something we can like really grasp and hold on to. But some of the things that are contributing to felt safety being elusive to so many folks are much harder to see and much harder to consider. I want to turn to page 220 of Dr. Perry and Oprah Winfrey's book, What Happened To You? Okay, so page 220. Dr. Perry writes- these are Dr. Perry's words. Don't mistake them for mine. Dr. Perry's words here. "If you don't recognize the built-in biases in yourself and the structural biases in your systems, biases regarding race, gender, sexual orientation, you can't truly be trauma-informed. Marginalized peoples excluded, minimized shamed, are traumatized peoples. Because as we've discussed, humans are fundamentally relational creatures. To be excluded or dehumanized in an organization or community or society, you're a part of results in prolonged, uncontrollable stress that is sensitizing. Marginalization is a fundamental trauma." Now, I'm going to read that last part again, "To be excluded or dehumanized in an organization, community, or society, you're a part of, results in prolonged, uncontrollable stress that is sensitizing. Marginalization is a fundamental trauma." So again, that's Dr. Perry, page 220. And I want to be really clear as Dr. Perry's words not because I wouldn't love them to be mine, but because they're not mine. And I want to make sure that Dr. Perry is, you know, credited appropriately for that.    

Robyn: I want to add one more piece to this. And I want to acknowledge that I'm adding in this piece as someone who has absolutely no felt experience of what I'm about to say. But embodying a marginalized or oppressed identity that others fear. And if that identity is visually apparent, like skin color, that means that the instances of internalizing other people's fear instead of other people's safety is increased- y'all, I'm just going to say dramatically, increased dramatically. Many people's experience on this planet is an experience of constantly internalizing the fear that others bring to them simply because of who they are, or what they look like. Now, internalizing the safety of others is a core fundamental components of working from this relational neuroscience perspective. The internalization of the safety of the other is literally one of the primary agents of change that I teach in my programs. And it brings safety to those of us, those of us parents and professionals, who feel so helpless because nothing we do seems to matter. So we shift away from the importance of doing and lean into the idea that the way that we be matters. And we believe that because we believe that we internalize each other, and that our dysregulated kids or others will internalize our safety and our co-regulation. And just super quickly, I'm gonna say that by internalization, I mean that we build neural nets of the other person. And eventually then, that other person lives inside our mind, because we've built a neural net of them.    

Robyn: So again, what about folks who walk this earth, who, when they encounter people- their very existence, flips that person into protection mode. And this doesn't even begin to touch on our media, right? Whether that be fiction or nonfiction, news, or media we consume for fun, like books and TV shows and movies and things like that. Now imagine, you're parenting a kid of color. And a white lady, that's me, tells you to co-regulate and hear underneath their words, what they're really trying to express when they threaten to hurt you, or kill you or someone else. Okay, that's what I did last week. Imagine parenting a kid of color, or a kid who holds another marginalized or oppressed identity, and being told to co-regulate their intensity instead of just shutting it down, to co-regulate their mildness or their rudeness. And imagine how much safer it is for me to practice this way of parenting. Parenting this way, with this leap of faith is a privilege. Now, I'm not going to give advice on what to do instead, I'm going to turn to parenting experts who are people of color or who hold other marginalized identities for that. So the top the two who come to mind right now are Mr. Chas and Yolanda Williams from Parenting Decolonised. They both have social media, huge social media presence. Those are the two that come to mind. I'll make sure their links make it into the show notes.    

Robyn: What I want you to walk away from this episode with is as always, more compassion and more curiosity. Understanding privilege, y'all, it's not criticism and it isn't excuse-making. Professionals, as you work with families and feel frustrated by their pace of how they're shifting to offering their kids more co-regulation and safety. Remember the privilege of safety. And parents when you find yourself unable to access felt safety yourself, and then end up parenting in a way you regret. Remind yourself safety is a privilege. And sometimes you cannot access it. Whether that lack of felt safety emerges from a history of complex trauma, the marginalized or oppressed identities you hold, the marginalized and oppressed identities your kid holds, or any other millions of circumstances that can lead to fel safety being elusive. I invite you to feel the injustice, feel the rage at how something that should be a basic human right is actually a privilege. And I invite you to, if possible, then return to yourself with compassion.    

Robyn: Alright, y'all, I think that's about all I'm gonna say about this today. I'm hoping to find a balance between using my own privilege to speak about something vitally important. While also not speaking out of turn about something I have no felt, lived, experienced with. And then what would be ultimately speaking over the voices, who we all should be turning to, folks with the lived experience. If you've made it this far in this episode, thank you. You were brave. Thank you for being brave for you and for your kids. And I'll be back with you all again next week. Bye bye.