What To Do After We Mess Up {EP 80}

Robyn: So this episode is scheduled to come out I don't know sometime in May. And y'all I just needed to take a break for a little bit recording new episodes. Because I have a looming book manuscript deadline. So if you're hearing this, like way into the future, who knows the book might already be out. But it's the spring of 2022. And I have a publisher who thinks the clock is ticking and wants me to get that manuscript over to them in a relatively short time frame. And so I just had to pause new podcast recordings. But here we are, I'm super excited to be back with you again. I'm not looking at any breaks in the future. But y'all who knows, right? Who knows, we're all just doing the very, very best that we can. And that includes me. And sometimes we have to make some adjustments. Sometimes we don't do exactly what we had hoped to do or plan to do. And that kind of brings me into, actually, today's topic. 

Robyn: It seems like a really awesome topic to follow up the attachment series with and that I want to talk about what I would put air quotes around saying “rupture and repair”. Basically what we're gonna do- talk about is like what do we do as parents or you know, if you're listening to this with your professional hat on, this really applies to your work as a professional as well. But what do we do when we don't get it right? What do we do when we get it wrong when we don't parent in a way that feels fully aligned with our values? Or when we're just, like, busy being human and we can't meet our kids needs to be safe, seen, soothed, and secure, right? I talked about that a ton in the attachment series and again, if you missed the attachment series, you don't even have to go back and listen to all eight of those episodes. You can just grab the attachment ebook, The Brilliance of Attachment ebook at RobynGobbel.com/ebook. But we talked so much about how attachment is about being safe, seen, soothed, and secure, right? And we can't do that for our kids 100% of the time, it's not possible. And we also talked about, in that series, like, it wouldn't even be good for them, right. Rupture repair process is super important. And so I know inside that series, we talked a lot about rupture and repair. But I also made me realize, like, I've never done a solo episode, all about what to do when we get it wrong with our kids, like, what do we do next? And it feels like such an important topic, I wanted to just devote an entire episode only to what do we do after we mess up? Or not even just mess up? But realize, like, you know, I'm in the middle of writing a book. So the reality is, is I'm maybe not as available to my family emotionally as that would be, you know, best for them and for us, right? So what do we do in those moments? I tell you what, like, the research and attachment specific to this piece, the rupture repair, has been probably some of the most important research for me, both personally and professionally. It is, you know, as a recovering- kind of recovering perfectionist. You know, I definitely have this belief inside my body, that for the most part is pretty quiet these days. But every now and again, still comes alive. That tells me in order for me to be okay, I have to get it right 100% of the time. And not only do I have to get it right 100% of the time, but I have to, like, anticipate getting it right and make sure that I get it almost like extra, right? Y'all hear how, like not based in reality these thoughts even are, right? So like, how can you get something extra, right? That's so fascinating, right? Like it- I am reached a point in my own work that I can just be super curious about that thought, and really lean towards myself with lots of curiosity, and compassion. And it is largely because of what I understand now about the rupture repair process. And how completely vital it is to rupture. And how the strongest relationships have ruptures, because all of them do. We can't be in a relationship with ourselves with other people without there being ruptures. The strongest relationships have ruptures, of course, but they have repair. Right? 

Robyn: So when I was back in, probably undergrad, or maybe even like AP Psychology back in high school, we learned about the concept of the good enough mother and the psychologist Winnicott kind of writings about that concept and about again, the quote unquote, good enough mother. To the best that I can tell, this is sort of the first place this kind of concept of parents don't have to be perfect, really enters into this, you know, psychological, and then child development, and then parenting literature. And as my studies progressed, I came across the idea that parents are getting it right, quote, unquote, getting it right, whatever that even means y’all, about 30% of the time, or let's just say a third of the time. And about a third of the time, we're getting it wrong. And about another third of the time, we're fixing what we got wrong. So about a third percent of the time, we're in attunement, and about a third of the percent of the time we're in rupture, and about a third of the time, we are repairing that rupture. And when I started teaching and speaking and really, really working with parents, that's a statistic I pulled out a ton, right? There's this way that it feels to me like the parents that I've had, you know, the deep deep fortune of learning about the- I'm sorry, the the parents I've had the opportunity of working with who are learning about being in a space that's more trauma informed or more relational neuroscience informed, or more attachment informed, or more connection based, or whatever you want to call this way of being with our kids. There's a lot of different things we could call it. But when I'm working with parents who’re like just really committed to that as y’all are, because here you are listening to the podcast again. There's this interesting phenomenon that happens is that these parents seem to almost hold themselves to this unrealistically higher standard in parenting once they learn about trauma, and attachment, and connection, and what kids need. That there's almost this unintended byproduct that happens at we believe that like, once we learn about something like once we learn about the level of attunement, our kids needs, or that connection based parenting, or how to provide the co-regulation our kids need. It was almost like because we learned about it, now we believe we should do it. That just obviously doesn't happen. That's why you keep listening, right? If you could learn it and do it, you wouldn't keep coming back to the podcast, because you would have been- you would have achieved, right, perfection by now. That's just simply not how it works. And this way that I saw the parents that I'm working with, now holding themselves to this ridiculously high standard. Right, like, I can't make a mistake as a parent, because now that I understand my child's trauma, I understand the impact of the misattunement on my child, and that's devastating. And I can't do that to my child, right? Like, that's kind of the inner narrative- the inner dialogue that I get sometimes from the parents that I work with. And there's been this way where I've watched some of the teachings that I do, unintentionally, almost cause more shame in parents, not less. Right? 

Robyn: And, again, it brings me back to this belief that so many of us have, that just because we have learned about something, we should be able to do it. And if we're really honest with ourselves, we could see how this really bleeds into our parenting. Right? That there are so many times that we know our kid knows that the right thing to do, but that they don't do it. And then we're upset because they know the right thing. And they didn't do it. And underneath that statement, underneath that belief is this idea that if we know something, we should always do it. And we hold ourselves to this high standard, we unintentionally hold our kids to this high standard. And it's a standard that's not possible to meet. And it's not possible for you to meet, it's not possible for me to meet, right? Like, this is literally my job all I do, you know, as a full time job, is study attachment, study relational neuroscience, work with parents, trained professionals. It's all I do. It’s 100% my full time job, and I am nowhere near perfect in my relational experiences, especially my parenting. 

Robyn: So if we go back to that, a third, a third, a third. A third and getting it right, a third getting it wrong, a third repairing, I'm sure I'm right at that 30% mark, or lower, just like everyone else. So, I love this piece of research, I love to teach parents about it. I think it-, it creates such a relief, that we don't have to be perfect. And then it allows parents to consider inching towards exploring self compassion. And if y'all have listened to this podcast, before, you know that I'm kind of obsessed with self compassion, like it is probably the number one thing. And I could bring self compassion to every single parent on the planet, the whole- everything will change, everything will change. Everything will change for those parents, and for those kids, and then just generations to come. I mean, it is seriously the magic bullet. And it's so hard, so hard to lean into self compassion. And the whole getting it right a third of the time, getting it wrong a third of the time, and then spending a third of the time fixing it really helps parents that I work with consider the possibility of embracing self compassion.

Robyn: Now, despite the fact that I think that this is the most brilliant statistic ever, we don't have to be perfect. And indeed, if we weren't perfect that actually be wrong for our kids. There's actually been some controversy that's been kicked up around this. And I have had some discussions with other professionals in the field, about some of their mixed feelings about kind of leading with this statistic when I work with parents and when I teach parents. And one of the- one of the pieces that comes up when folks come to me and they're like, “I don't think that this is a helpful statistic to tell people” is that they're worried that it can give parents this kind of quote unquote, free pass. Like, it's okay to screw up. And you shouldn't do anything about trying to screw up less. And if you're really mean or ugly, or scream and yell at your kid or whatever, whatever your definition of mean and ugly to your kid. It’s different for all of us. That somehow, when I'm teaching parents about the rupture repair process and how we not only can we- not be in attunement with our kids 100% of time, but it's bad for them, and also literally impossible. That somehow I'm doing a disservice to the kids by teaching the parents that it's okay, like, they just have this free pass. Right? And that was really eye opening to me, like, that was a perspective I'd really never considered before- that's that that could be a concern for maybe some other professionals in the field who are working with- with parents. So I pondered that. I pondered that and what I ultimately came to the conclusion of is this just not something I'm willing to worry about. That when I think about what I know, from an interpersonal neurobiology perspective, or relational neuroscience perspective, a, you know, just human development perspective. Is that humans are always like- we're always driven to be moving towards coherence. We're always driven to be moving towards our own integration. And a byproduct of internal, like, neurobiology integration, isn't this like, give up. Like, oh, well, I can't be perfect. So I might as well be really bad instead, like, that's not a product of- that's not a byproduct of integration. A byproduct of integration is, wow, yeah, I'm human too. I couldn't possibly be perfect. And I have to figure out a way to be okay with that. And sometimes I'm gonna mess up and be in a relationship in a way that's not in alignment with my values. And I also can recognize the impact that my behavior has on other people, and that matters to me. And I will fiercely be working towards making sure that my own inner world is cared for well enough, that I unintentionally hurt people, the least amount possible. That's the inner dialogue of integration, but the inner dialogue of integration isn't “well- oh, well, my behavior hurts people, but I can't be perfect. So whatever, there's nothing I can do about it”. 

Robyn: So I've just decided that this concern that this you know, 30% of attunement with third, attunement, whatever- whatever resonates for you. You can hold on to those- those numbers are so close, you can just hold on to whatever statistic resonates with you. But I'm just not willing to give energy to worrying about that being misinterpreted that way. Because, again, that's not the voice of integration. And I believe we are all the inner voice of integration, and we are always moving towards integration. So there's that I'm just not something I'm willing to worry about.

Robyn: And then the other thing that comes up sometimes for me with people, you know, getting a little uncertain about this whole, like, a third attunement, a third rupture. A third repair statistic is that sometimes folks will say that kids with histories of trauma, and especially attachment trauma, that that doesn't apply to them. That they actually need more than a third attunement in order to really heal our nervous systems. And, as I've, you know, explored the literature and explored the research and combined that with my own like boots on the ground in the in the room, with families experience, combined with my own, in the world, personal experience. I also don't believe that's true. I actually don't believe that- that people with a history of attachment trauma need more than this 30% attunement experience to be you know ti- to experience healing in their nervous system. And the number one reason I believe that is because it's actually not possible. And people are healing from relational trauma and attachment trauma all the time. And so, obviously, it's possible and therefore, something that's impossible, being attuned more than 30% of the time, that- that just doesn't apply. But the other reason that I believe that that isn't true, that our kids with attachment trauma need more attunement, in order to be okay is something that I'll address a little bit later in this episode. So hold on to that thought we're going to come back to. It definitely feels like our kids need more. And I get that in my soul. That it feels like there's less wiggle room to mess up as a parent with kids who have histories of attachment trauma, I get it. That 100% feels true. But I also have some hypotheses about why that feels true, but also isn't true. So hold on, we'll get to that a little bit later. In the episode. 

Robyn: Let's go back to, like, where this research even came from. Like who's pulling up this statistic? Who's researching it? And let me just say people are researching it. There is a relatively new book out called The Power of Discord that's been written by Ed Tronick and his coauthor is Claudia Gold. Tronic and Gold really wrote this extremely lovely book that haspulled together decades of Ed Tronick’s and his team's research. If you are familiar with the still face experiment, that's Ed Tronick’s research. So Ed Tronick has done so much prolific research about rupture repair. And emerging from his research, and written in his book are that in parent/ infant pairs, there is an average of 70% of their interaction interactions that are out of sync. 70%. Okay? And that still allows for the emergence of secure attachment. So Tronick goes on again, as he's summarizing a decade of research, he goes on to say, this is a quote, “as long as there is an opportunity for repair, mismatch and 70% of interactions is not only typical, but conducive to positive and healthy development and relationships. We need the normal messiness in order to learn to trust each other.” So what he is saying is that, how much we're in attunement or in synchrony with our kids isn't really where we make it or break it. That 30% attunement is just because we're human. That is going to be the standard. That's very little we could do to increase over 30% There's a lot we could do, if because of our own history, 30% attunement and presence, even that is hard, right? Like some of us have histories of our own trauma and our own insecure streams of attachment. That make it really hard to be present and attuned, even 30% of the time. That's not shame or criticism. That's just a way that our neurobiology has formed. And there are absolutely things that we can do to be in attunement with our kids more. But the research the is showing that like, really not much more than 30%. Like that's about as high as we can go. Also y'all who's figured like- regular people who don't live in laboratories aren't tallying this, right? That we don't like- micromoments are full of attunement rupture repair, micromoments. And there's no way that like you are I really truly has a good assessment of how often we're in attunement with our kid. For me, the statistic is really just more about these- this idea that we aren't aiming for anywhere close to perfection and that that's okay. But really what Tronick’s research highlights is that the amount of attunement again, that's not where we're making it or breaking it, what is so crucial. And what really is the difference between secure attachment and insecure attachment is the quality of the repair. The quality of the repair. 

Robyn: So let's define what that means. What is a repair in relationship? Well, if attunement is about being safe, and seen, and soothed, and secure, then the repair is about what we do after experiences where our kids didn't feel safe, seen soothed, and secure? Right? Again, these are inevitable moments. My kid has already probably had experiences of not being safe, seen, soothed, and secure just today. Because we're human beings just bumbling through life together. That's not really the most important part of the equation, the most important of that part of the equation is what do we do next? How do we follow that up? How do we notice, “oof, we've fallen out of connection”. And it's important to me to get back into connection. 

Robyn: So let's just kind of break that down a little bit more. Before we can offer a repair. As a parent, we have to have noticed that we have fallen out of connection. And the noticing in and of itself is so crucial. Noticing, falling out of connection, sends a message to our kids, that, “hey, I see what's happening with you and with us. Even when what I see is uncomfortable”. That's like attachment and attachment healing gold. I see what's happening, even when what's happening is uncomfortable. And then not only do I see what's happening, I am willing to be vulnerable enough to try to fix it. Because you have to be vulnerable enough to notice something that is uncomfortable. And then you have to be vulnerable to do something about it, right? We could just ignore it. We could just ignore it. And I know a lot of you listening, that is probably how you experienced rupture. As a child, a lot of it was just ignored. Or it caused so much distress in your caregiver, that the repair actually was very anxiously driven, and a lot more about the caregiver, your caregiver feeling better than it was about you feeling safe, seen, soothed, and secure. So offering an authentic, attuned, regulated repair is noticing we went off the tracks, and being vulnerable enough and brave enough, which is sending us such a clear message, this relationship is so important to me. Right? When we're vulnerable enough and brave enough to risk a repair. 

Robyn: So what does a repair actually look like? Well, it could actually just look like an apology, right? I'm sorry that this happened. I'm sorry I did this. And it could be an apology that's really owning, when we as parents do something wrong. I have absolutely had to own up to my child, that I did something wrong. And that I was going to work to decrease the likelihood that that would happen again, I wasn't promising it would never happen again. Because major, major ruptures in my parenting emerged out of dysregulation. And if it was as simple as deciding I wasn't going to do it again, I probably wouldn't have done it in the first place. But I am fiercely committed to working super hard on creating an inner landscape for myself and creating enough self compassion of myself, and therefore enough integration of myself that I will be less likely to kind of flip my lid again in the future, right? So again, a repair could be an overt, I did something wrong, and I'm sorry. Sometimes a repair isn't about owning that you did something wrong. But just about acknowledging that there was indeed a rupture, and that you regret it. Because it's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable for our kids, and it's uncomfortable for us. It's uncomfortable when there's a rupture in a relationship. And I can express regret over that. Even if I really don't believe that I did something wrong to cause that rupture. So apologies aren't necessarily saying I did something wrong. You know, sometimes we- right? Sometimes we apologize, or we say I'm sorry, apology is probably not the right word. We use the words I'm sorry to express regret in our culture, right? Like, I'm sorry, your mother died is one thing we might say. I'm sorry, that- that that happened to you. Right? And that doesn't imply that I did it and I'm at fault but that there's just regret and compassion for this very painful experience. Right. And so I think that with our kids, repair can look like that, as well. I also think that sometimes repairs are less overt. I mean, I think when we can be very clear and making a very clear, articulate repair, I think that- that we should go that route when possible. But life doesn't work that way, right? Like sometimes relationships, we don't have to rehash every single wrong thing that happened in a relationship and have this big to do over everything all the time. I think it's important to overtly repair plenty of the time. But sometimes repairs are just more about kind of getting the relationship back on track, right? We don't have a meta process, every single rupture, that happens. And sometimes repairs happen quickly and implicitly, and we just keep the- you know, we just keep the train moving along the tracks. You know, and for some people, repairs are really hard. They're just so vulnerable. That it's really hard to initiate that overt apology. And so I've sometimes worked with families on sending repair- messages of repair, maybe through text message, or through writing a note, or through different kinds of gestures. While the nervous system kind of flexes its repair muscle, right? That, over time, repairs will feel a little bit less vulnerable. And it'll feel like something that we can regulate through. If we practice doing them in ways that feel safe. ie. like through a, you know, through a text message, or through writing a note, or through, again, through something that just feels a little bit less intense and a little bit less vulnerable. 

Robyn: Now, I already mentioned this, but I just want to be, you know, make a really clear statement about this. Implicit, in a repair, is the message of, I will do my best to keep this from happening again in the future. Right? That- and sometimes it's not even implicit, like we want to say it overtly. We want to say, “I'm doing my best to keep this from happening again in the future. And this is how I'm doing this. That's how I'm working on this. I know that I go too quickly to yelling and shouting, and I am taking these steps to decrease how often I respond to frustration with yelling and shouting”, right? That's an example of how we can be very, very clear about that. 

Robyn: One example that comes to mind for me, is I noticed, a long time ago, that it was very common, when I entered into my son's bedroom for a moment of connection. That it was really hard for me not to make statements about the state of his bedroom. I felt really compelled to tell him to pick this up, or clean that up, or how did this happen, or I don't understand and your room just get cleaned yesterday? Like I- was, like, this almost compulsion. And I noticed one day that what was happening is that I was kind of coupling together all these moments of, just kind of spontaneous connection like me just going in to be with him or sometimes like say good night, with moments of criticism or moments of, I'm noticing all the ways that what you're doing isn't good enough for me, essentially, right? And so I noticed that once many, many, many years ago. And then I had to be brave enough to be really mindful to track that. Really- brave enough to notice this about myself, which didn't feel like my best characteristic, right? That, like, every time I went into my kid's bedroom, I ended up kind of complaining at him about the state of his bedroom? Like that didn't feel good to notice about myself. But I had to be brave enough to notice this of myself and I had to notice it as I was in the moment. So that I could hear the words about to come out of my mouth and stop it. Right? Take a breath and stop it. Now this doesn't mean that my son doesn't need adequate reminders to pick up his room. So it's not that I've stopped, kind of parenting him in that way. It's just that I got really mindful about keeping those two experiences separate. Like if I was going into his room in order to connect with him, I would- didn't want to pull in this other way of being with him. I could do that at a different time. So again, that took a lot of, just like, mindful energy. A lot of willing to be, like, brave and vulnerable with myself. And have just a commitment to “I'm going to take the steps to decrease the likelihood that this is going to happen again”. It doesn't mean we're perfect, right? I've worked with parents for decades, who are working so hard to shift the behaviors that they demonstrate towards their kids. They are working so hard, and then not always seeing really clear, measurable change in their behavior. Like parenting, the way they want to continue to feel very far out of reach, but they're working so, so, so hard. And y'all, that's really all we can do. All we can do is make a commitment to ourselves, that we're going to work, as fiercely, as hard as we can to decrease the amount of times and the intensity that we rupture our kids. That's- that's all we can do. And we just have to do the very best that we can. 

Robyn: Now I said, we'll talk a little bit about why it seems like some kids need more than a 30% attunement. Again, as if we can even measure this, so we're just kind of talking a metaphor here. Why does it seem like our kids need more? Like our kids with attachment trauma histories, or our kids with really vulnerable nervous systems, sensitive nervous systems, or just highly sensitive kids? Whatever the reason is that you listen to this podcast, you very likely have a child who feels like “oh, my child needs more. Like I have to toe the line more with this child in order to prevent a rupture”. That could be true, like in a slight, nuanced kind of a way. But again, I just don't believe it's true in a real significant way. Mostly because it simply isn't possible. Right? I do think that parenting, you know, dysregulated kids, highly sensitive kids, kids with very vulnerable nervous systems, very sensitized stress response systems, whatever you want to say, however you want to look at it is, is more exhausting for us. Right? And so we move towards burnout and exhaustion more. And then the repair gets more and more difficult. And I think as we're more burned out, and as we're more exhausted, and it kind of feels like we have to toe this line of parenting perfection in order to be okay. That our- our minds, notice the ruptures more. And that kind of tricks our minds into thinking, we have to rupture less. Like we have to be more perfect than the average parent. 

Robyn: So another reason I think that it can seem, really, truly feel, like our kids need more than this 30% attunement is that most of us are parenting kids with, what I would say like, delayed development of regulation. Our kids need more co-regulation than their same age peers, that means we're together with them more, right that we are providing- actively providing more co-regulation. Let's just say, for an example, if I had a 10 year old, with a history of trauma, or with a very vulnerable nervous system, it's very likely that I'm providing more co-regulation for that 10 year old than other 10 year olds need. That's completely normal. It's exhausting, and completely normal. And so we're- since we're together more, and since there's more co-regulation, there's more attunement, and there's more misattunement. And because of the way that this, sort of, in a way, it's like skewing our data, if- because we are thinking about more- more age appropriate levels of misattunement. 

Robyn: Like so often when parents tell me “it feels like my kid needs more than what you're telling me! It’s just 30%”. And so often what that is about, is that they have a child who needs more co-regulation than their child's ,like, same age peers. And therefore that can feel like what they need is more attunement. It isn't exactly the same. It isn't exactly the same, though I get why it can feel that way. And it is true that, a lot of you listening have kids who need more experiences of co-regulation than their same age peers. And then the other reason why I think it seems like our kids need even more than, you know, what Tronick is saying about, kind of 30% attunement is that- their ruptures are happening and- and happening sometimes extremely intensely, because of our kids discrepancy. And their hope versus their expectation. Now that's taken directly from that attachment series. So if you're jumping into the podcast now and you haven't listened to the attachment series, you might want to go back and listen to some of those episodes, or again, just get the ebook because that might be an easier way to get through all that content at RobynGobbel.com/ebook. That's The Brilliance of Attachment ebook. We're, basically, what we talked about is because of the way attachment works, though, because it attachment is about developing our implicit mental models about the way we expect relationships to go. And when we are parenting a child who has mental models that coincide with a child with experiences of insecure attachment. They are still hoping to have experiences of being safe, and seen, and soothed, and secured. But they are expecting not to get their needs met. And so they often behave in ways that are more inviting of their expectation. So basically, to go- to go back to rupture repair language. They're expecting rupture. And so they have ways of being in the world, and ways of being in relationship that tend to kind of invite those ruptures. 

Robyn: Now, to be clear, this is not about blame. Our kids aren't setting us up. It doesn't really work that way. But it is true, that the way that expectation works, is that expectation invites that expectation to get met. So I do believe that kids with histories of insecure attachment, have ways of expecting more rupture. And therefore behaving in a way that is unintentionally inviting of that rupture. Now before that, feels very dismal to you, because it could feel pretty dismal. Remember that the rupture isn't even the biggest part of this equation here that we're most concerned with, right? What we are most curious about is how do we do the repair? How do we notice the misattunement? How do we notice falling out of being safe, seen, soothed, and secure and move back towards that repair? 

Robyn: One quick little caveat before I talk a little bit about decreasing ruptures. Is- let's talk about the kinds of ruptures that happen from parenting moments that, in the attachment series we call mean, weak, or gone. That's language taken with a circle of security, as they- they develop this language mean we're gone to characterize parenting moments or parenting behaviors that can lead to the kind of fear and terror in kids that leads to disorganization and attachment. These are traumatic experiences for kids. And if we're going to talk about ruptures through the lens of being mean, weak, or gone. My first message is one of just so much compassion. Right, when parents have completely flip their lids gone completely what I'd call like terror, fear and terror level watchdog or possum brain, and you can go to RobynGobbel.com/WatchDogBrain or RobynGobbel.com/PossumBrain to learn about watchdog and possum brains. But, when a parent goes to that level of dysregulation, my stance is to stay in a place of compassion, curiosity, and then of course boundary. Right? That understanding what's driving these behaviors that are scary to our kids is not the same as excusing it. But understanding is, for me, a crucial component of compassion as well as then, kind of, the next question is like, so what do we do about it? Like how do we help this happen less often? So when parents are having a hard time staying regulated a lot, and their nervous system is really flipping into these mean, weak, or gone moments. Repair is still crucial, but it's not enough. Meaning, a parent, who is regularly taken over by their own inner world, and finds themselves parenting in a way that could be considered mean, we are gone by their kid. That's a parent who absolutely deserves to have their own tending to. That's a parent who needs their own place to work through their own trauma, and their own dysregulation, and their own nervous system. So that they can get the care and compassion that they need, that grows their own owl brains and helps them stay more connected to their owl brain. And still, a very imperfect parent, but that the imperfections, those ruptures aren't so dysregulated or so overpowering of the nervous system, that it leads to behavior. That's mean, weak, or gone.

Robyn: Okay, so how do we decrease the amount of time, the amount of moments that we have ruptures with our kids if- if we need to. Again, some of us don't really need to. Some of us are parenting from a nervous system that's mostly grounded in secure attachment, and integration. And we mess up with our kids all the time. And that's just how it goes. But some of us maybe are listening and may- or maybe again, you kind of heard that you've heard the attachment series. And you're feeling like, “I think the ruptures I have in my kids are too intense”, or “they're happening too frequently”, or, you know, “repair doesn't feel like quite enough to decrease the impact of these ruptures I’m having on my kid”. So what do we do? The absolute number one way that we can work towards decreasing the intensity, or the frequency of some of these ruptures is that we are brave enough to do our own inner work. And to really get curious in our own inner landscape about what's causing us to flip our lids so abruptly or so significantly. And see if we can look for patterns. Can we track those triggers? And we have to be so fiercely committed to a practice of self compassion. And I think it's non negotiable, to be in community with people who are committed to compassion. So, that might be your spouse, or your partner, or your best friend, or your therapist, or the group of parents that you have who are also parenting kids with big baffling behaviors. I think this is one of the biggest pieces of magic in The Club, is that, because we all agree to what we call our manifesto, we know each of us is fiercely committed to having this level of compassion for one another. While also holding each other to really high standards. Like we are willing to set boundaries and hold each other to those boundaries. And I think that is so crucial for parents who are really looking to parent their kids, with a little bit more regulation on board. That we find places where when we look into the eyes of the people that we're with, we see compassion, understanding, and also a fierce commitment to working on our own inner world so that we can do better, right? So that we can parent with more regulation. 

Robyn: Also think it's really important to look for patterns. You know, do you get dysregulated and, you know, kind of merge more energetically with behaviors that more resemble an anxious attachment, right? Where there's- almost like a merging, or an energetic merging, with our kids, we're not allowing them the safety to explore in the world and make their own mistakes. Or do we protect ourselves by to staying too disconnected from our kids, which could you know, not giving them enough experiences of being safe, seen, soothed, and secured because we're too disconnected from them. Which might resemble, more along the lines of the avoidant attachment. And again, you can head back to the attachment series or go to RobynGobbel.com/ebook to kind of look at those pieces. You know, do- do we have a vulnerable nervous system? If that leads to some moments of mean, or weak or gone, and because of our own histories of vulnerability or own histories of trauma. And for those parents listening, you know, I know that professional trauma therapy can be so hard to find, and just really want to encourage you that if- if trauma therapy isn't an option for you, that you just know that you are worthy and deserving of getting the level of care that you need in order for your own nervous system to settle just just a bit more. So that you can be present with your child in their dysregulation, and in yours, without getting so flooded that we accidentally end up in these moments that circle of security would label the mean, weak, or gone.

Robyn: Okay, so the summary of today is imperfect parenting, actually really is what's perfect. And it has to be perfect because it's inevitable. If you're a human on this planet and turn-, you know, becoming a parent and becoming a like trauma informed, connection informed, nervous system informed, whatever you want to call it, parent doesn't mean that you turned over your I'm human card. You're still human! And you're going to be in a relationship with your kids in a way that makes you completely human. And sometimes that means you're not going to parent in the way you want to or in a way that matches your ideals. And there's so much hope in that, because the repair process is so beautiful. Noticing that we've ruptured, being brave enough to move forward with that repair. That's more attunement. The repair is giving our kids the experience of being safe, seen, soothed, and secure. And that's exactly what they need. But y'all know it’s also exactly what you need. It- it is so regulating to our own nervous system, to have the opportunity to move into repair. And so repairing when we fall out of connection with one another, or when, again, we parent in a way that doesn't exactly match up with our ideals. Repairing is a gift not only to our kids, but it's a gift to ourselves. 

Robyn: So I want to invite you throughout this week to really you know, notice, when you have parented it in a way that you want to criticize yourself for. And I want to see if you can- I want to invite you to notice those- that- those critical words coming up in your inner world. And use that just as information, right, like, “oh, I'm noticing how easy it is, for me to be harsh and critical with myself here. But when I'm harsh and critical with myself, I actually- it makes it less likely, I'm going to move into repair with my child. And if I do move into repair my child, it makes it more likely that I'm going to make that repair all about, me as opposed to all about them”. So notice that critical voice that comes up. Notice it. Acknowledge it. Don't shame the critical voice. Notice it. Say, “there you are, I hear you”. This critical voice lets me know there's a moment of pain. And that moment of pain is so worthy of self compassion. And I'm worthy of self compassion, I'm worthy of giving myself self compassion and also my child is worthy of having a parent who bathes themselves in self compassion. Because that self compassion gives my nervous system the strength and the fortitude to risk that repair to, be vulnerable enough to move forward with that repair. And our kids need that repair, y’all, our kids need that repair to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure

Robyn: Okay, this was great. I'm so excited to be back in front of the microphone and recording another episode for you. I feel a little out of practice and it's just been good to even have a little bit, maybe, of rupture repair with you with my audience. I've been gone for so long and- and now I get back in and it's feeling a little bit clunky and- and how did this episode feel to you? And although this was not my intention, I'm noticing right now, in this exact moment, how fascinating that I chose the topic of rupture repair to be the one- to be the episode that I kind of re-explore my podcasting legs with again. Because there's probably lots of moments of rupture repair, and misattunement and if I went back and listened to all of this, I’d probably want to edit a bunch of it out but I'm not going to. I'm just going to let it be. I'm just going to let be how I showed up to be in relationship with you today and allow what happens next to happen next. And if there are moments that need a repair, I will move into repair with those moments. 

Robyn: Okay, so I talked a ton about that attachment ebook RobynGobbel.com/ebook. I mentioned The Club at RobynGobbel.com/TheClub. Which is this amazing community of- of mostly parents but also some professionals. Where, I tell you what y'all, we fiercely practice this- we fiercely practice rupture repair with ourselves and with our kids. And we do it in a way that's so safe and so overflowing with compassion. So that's RobynGobbel.com/TheClub. And what also could be helpful for you, especially if you're new to this journey, and you haven't grabbed it yet is to get my- my masterclass. And I have a new ebook that I have made with that masterclass, which is all about What Behavior Really Is. So you can get that at RobynGobbel.com/Masterclass, the What Behavior Really Is masterclass. And that masterclass, with new accompanying ebook, might even help you with feeling safe, to have compassion, and move into the repair experience with your kid. Because even though the masterclass is about understanding your kids' behaviors, it's definitely going to help you understand your own behavior, too. And I'm a huge believer, of course, that the more we understand behavior, the more compassion can emerge, and that can be true for us as well. So that masterclass the What Behavior Really Is masterclass RobynGobbel.com/Masterclass. All of this will be down in the show notes. You've probably noticed I'm experimenting with being a little less scripted. So we'll see how that goes. We will see how that goes. And we will embrace the rupture repair process, if needed. I can't wait to do this again and be back with you again next week on the podcast.