Saying the Unsayable {EP 5}

The lie under the lie was that he wasn’t my dad. Anne Heffron

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

When I hired Anne Heffron to be my writing coach, I didn’t know we basically had the same job.

Anne’s always asking…what’s the word under the word.  What’s the feeling under the feeling.  She simply won’t leave me alone with her insatiable drive to peer under the surface with a flashlight. No…a floodlight. And a scalpel.  Or…one of those melon ballers?  It’s a small and cute but pokey???

Anne and I had a conversation in front of the whole wide world where she talked about ways she really needed her adoptive parents to show up for her.  It was fun and delightful and honest and inspiring (because Anne is all those things).

……(psst….you can watch that conversation by clicking here)

We talked about a time she dug in her heels and wouldn’t let go of a lie….an obvious lie.  But she just wouldn’t let go.  Wouldn’t say “Ugh dad you’re right.  I didn’t.  I said I would.  I’m telling you I did.  But yeah…I didn’t.”

I’m not sure I’ve met an adoptive parent who wouldn’t nod along in understanding….having been the parent who is certain their child is lying but their child just will not call uncle.

Why, Anne, I said.  WHY?  Why not just fess up.

Because the lie under the lie, she said, is that he wasn’t my dad.

The lie under the lie.

The story under the story.

Writers and therapists.  We are doing the same thing.  We are getting underneath.  We are giving words to the unspeakable.  We are finding ways to say straight-up “That emperor doesn’t have any clothes on!!!!”

The story under the story is there.  Whether you talk about it or not, the Emperor is naked.  We think we are powerful enough to change reality if we ignore it, pretend it’s not there, and write a completely new story.

Oh boy, do we try.

We do it for ourselves.  We do it for our children.

In adoption, a child’s story is rewritten as a lie the moment the adoption is finalized and they get a new birth certificate that says their adoptive parents gave birth to them.

What if the story under the story is indeed very hard and sad (You aren’t my dad) but we can hold it together with the other story (but you are my dad).  What if the story under the story is completely true (my mother didn’t want me enough to try to figure out how to keep me) but so is the story under THAT story (there’s nothing wrong with me).

What if….the only thing we really need to do….is to find the story under the story.

It’s already there.  Let’s just talk about it.

When your child will not fess up that they ate the blue cupcake while blue icing falls off their chin, the story under the story is “I know this isn’t the truth.  I know it feels impossible to tell the truth right now.  I love you.”

When I asked Anne what would have happened if her dad had said that to her, she said “That makes me want to sob…because I would have felt seen.”

…..really….you can go watch this whole conversation unfold real-time.  We did not script anything about this conversation.  Anne didn’t know what I was going to say.  You can feel the relief in her body- even over the World Wide Web.  Watch the whole thing by clicking here.

What if giving words to the story under the story changed everything about your relationship with your child?  When we hold our own story (I’m not this child’s mother) together with another equally true story (I am this child’s mother).  What if this gives us the guts to hold our children’s story under THEIR story????  And what if this gives our kids the guts to SHOW us their story.

They really are longing for this.  They want to bring their whole story.  They want you to be brave.  To hold all of them.  To be their mirror and see all their parts.  All their stories.

I’m not your dad.  I am your dad.  You’re not my child.  You are my child.  I love and welcome all of these stories.  Because I love and welcome all of you.

Robyn

The brave conversation Anne and I had about what she really needed from her adoptive parents is posted on my free resources page.  Check everything out by clicking here.