Self-Compassion Will Change Your Brain {EP 8}

Robyn: This is episode eight, self compassion keeps you regulated. I know for so many families out there the holiday season is particularly chaotic and dysregulating. So heading into this holiday week is exactly why I wanted to record an episode on self compassion. I have two favorite things about self compassion. The first is that there is a no way out from self compassion. None. It's the answer to basically everything. Even the moment when you're convinced you aren't worthy of any self compassion. I think I actually just really liked the tenacity of self compassion. But the second thing is- is that I love that self compassion is so grounded in neuroscience. So as I've learned more and more about relational neurobiology, polyvagal theory, the concept of integration, which is what leads to what we might call healing.

I've realized that self compassion is completely grounded in the science and I just totally, seriously love that. And if this isn't your first time to connect with me, you know this about me, right? That me and neuroscience are like peas and carrots, right? Like I worked so hard to understand the science. I mean, I know that I need the science to tell me it's safe enough to risk things like self compassion, and not just risk it, but to actually trust it, to like lean into it. Especially something as vulnerable as self compassion. What I've learned over, gosh, at least the last 10 years through my, like, super intense studies, through my time in the therapy room on both sides of the couch, is that compassion is quite literally, the neurobiology of change. 

Robyn: Remember, the last time you did or something that brought your inner critic to the forefront. You know, that inner critic voice, the one that shames you, or says you're stupid, or says things like, gosh, what is wrong with you? Why did you do that? You know, better, or you're a terrible parent, or partner, or boss, or employee or whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, right? That's the moment to connect with self compassion. Self compassion sounds like, wow, you are being really hard on yourself. You are a perfectly normal, imperfect parent who sometimes messes up. And that's something to say to yourself, right? Like, maybe when you heard me use those words, wow, you're being really hard on yourself. You're a perfectly normal, imperfect parent who sometimes messes up. Maybe those words sounded like something you would easily say to a friend. But what I'm talking about, is being able to say and mean those words to yourself. 

Robyn: So let's talk about regular, old compassion first. I'm going to paraphrase Dr. Kristin Neff, who's a psychologist at the University of Texas, who has brought the science of self compassion into the mainstream. So compassion first starts off with noticing suffering in someone else, right? If there was no suffering, and we didn't have a moment of noticing it, there'd be no compassion. If there was no suffering, there might instead be like a shared enthusiasm, or pride, or excitement, or some other emotional experience. But the feeling compassion first starts with noticing suffering in someone else. Do you have a friend, maybe, who is also parenting a child with a history of trauma? And if so, like when you think about your friend, and you think about the hard journey your friend is facing. Finding the right treatment for their child or trying to manage the dysregulation that so often comes with being in relationship with a child with a history of trauma. When you think about that friend, what types of feelings emerge? Usually, it's a softness, right? It has a breath to it. There's a sense even of like moving toward, to offer comfort, Like I feel this energy in my chest that has this like, forward movement to it. Just a gentle, slow, forward movement, but it's definitely a sensation of moving toward. 

Robyn: Compassion doesn't have the desire to fix it or take it away. Compassion doesn't have a let me tell you what to do feeling, right? Like compassion has a ‘wow, this is really hard. Let's sit together’ feeling to it. And then maybe after the closeness and connection, compassion might prompt you to ask or say something like, what can I do to help? Can I bring you a meal? Do you want me to watch your kids while you have an hour alone in your house? But compassion is about prompting a genuine desire to share in your friend's pain. Not a desire to fix it or stop it or make it go away. And in fact, fix it feelings are usually driven by our own feelings of discomfort. And compassion has a sensation to it right? It's an- it's open. It's soft. There's an ease to it. Even when it's combined with the sensations that go along with the hurt, and the pain and the suffering. It's as if both can be there. 

Robyn: So compassion starts with noticing someone else's suffering, then a sensation of connection and a desire to be with, to share, and to co-regulate. Right? And then compassion may shift into a desire to help ease the pain. Dr. Neff also talks about how compassion connects us to one another. That compassion tells a story that reminds us that suffering is simply a part of being human. Everyone suffers. Our suffering is unique for sure. But the fact that we're suffering is not unique. It connects us to being human. And it connects us to each other. It's connecting each and every one of you listening right now. So compassion- self compassion, then, is simply sending that energy toward ourselves. It sounds like ‘wow, you feel like a terrible parent for yelling. Yeah, that makes sense. Feeling terrible after hurting someone is a part of what makes you a good person, not a bad person. You must have been so overwhelmed, or scared, or dysregulated to have gotten to the point that you screamed like that. You're doing the best that you can, and I love you’. This sounds like something lovely to say to a friend, right? Can you imagine saying those exact words to yourself? Let me say them again. ‘Wow, you're feeling like a terrible parent for yelling. And yeah, that makes sense. Feeling terrible after hurting someone is a part of what makes you a good person, not a bad person. You must have been so overwhelmed, or scared, or dysregulated. To have gotten to the point that you screamed like that. You are doing the best that you can, and I love you’. You can actually literally say those words to yourself. Right? And the you is you, right? You're saying these words to yourself. 

Robyn: Let's construct that just a little bit. So first, there was the noticing, wow, you feel like a terrible parent for yelling. Then there was some attunements. Right? Like, yeah, that makes sense. feeling terrible after hurting someone is a part of what makes you a good person, not a bad person to miss. Attunement means we're not trying to like argue or talk something- talk someone out of something attunement is we get in there and we say, Yeah, we get it. That makes a lot of sense. Then there was connection and understanding, which is not the same as excusing. Right? So it sounded like, wow, you must have been so overwhelmed, or scared or dysregulated, to have gotten to the point that you screamed like that. Right? That was the connection. That's the understanding, and it's not the same as excusing. And then at the end, there was a gentle kindness, right? You're doing the very best that you can, and I love you. So almost always, a first objection to self compassion is something like but hey, this lets me off the hook. Or it's an excuse. Or if I don't beat myself up for the things that I want to change, how will I ever change? But here's why I love the science so much, because the science is just so completely clear that we don't change when we feel shamed. We don't change when we're confronted with harshness. And if we do, it's a fear driven change, not a true change. A fear driven change has consequences in the long run. Consequences of resentment, of anger, of dissociating hurt and pain as opposed to integrating the hurt and the pain and it's the integration that allows us to truly change in the future. Right? 

Robyn: And you know, what leads to integration, you know what leads to the ultimate ability to change? Yeah, it's compassion. Right? Compassion isn't a letting off the hook. Compassion has boundaries. Compassion says you must have been really hurting when you yelled at- like that. It's not good to yell at our kids and scare them. You'll keep working to stay more regulated, but you're human, and you're not perfect and your kids don't need perfect. Compassion is literally the neurobiology of change. It's a state in the nervous system that allows for true integration. And integration means moving towards mental health and wellness. Integration means increased regulation, increased connection to self, increased felt safety. And increasing regulation, connection, and felt safety means increasing the ability to tolerate stress, and parent the way that you truly want to more often. Not all the time. 

Robyn: So we can give compassion to others, but we can give compassion to ourselves, right? We can have a part of ourselves that is hurting and a part of ourselves that sends compassion to our hurting parts. Literally, we can actually say the words of compassion, toward a part of our self. 

Robyn: Okay, so here's my next favorite part of compassion. Remember, I told you I had two favorites, and one was the science. And the second is the tenacity of compassion. I think I'd like the tenacity of compassion and self compassion, because tenacity is a word that folks would also often use to describe me, especially relationally. That I have a deep seated relational tenacity towards others, towards people in my personal life, you know, towards my clients, towards the kids that I work with, towards myself. Okay, so when the voice emerges, this sounds like I don't deserve compassion. What I did was so bad, and so inexcuse- excusable, or I'm just a bad human compassion isn't reasonable or possible. I just cannot feel compassionate toward that part of me. Well, let me tell you what I know. And I also know this from experience. I know this from that place of being in such a painful place that I'm convinced there's a part of me or even all of me, that doesn't deserve compassion. Right? Believing a part of me is so terrible or awful, or whatever, that that part of me doesn't deserve compassion. Well, here's the thing, that another moment of suffering. So maybe I can't give compassion to the part of me that did whatever it was that I'm being so hard on myself for. But I can take a step back and then give compassion to the part of me that's hurting so bad, I believe I don't even deserve compassion. And for many people, and for this is true about myself, too. This feels like an easier way into self compassion. It feels less risky. It feels easier to say like, yep, there is definitely suffering and feeling as though I'm a terrible parent or a terrible person. Yeah, and even if you can't feel compassion towards the parts of you that behaved in the ways that are causing you to call yourself terrible. Yet, you might not be able to feel compassion towards this part of you, yet. You can work towards feeling compassion towards a part of you that is now feeling so, so, so, so bad. Bad enough, that you're deeming yourself unworthy of self compassion. Or you can at least acknowledge, probably, that like, yeah, it's a crummy way to feel. That, even that acknowledgement, that feeling this bad is indeed a crummy way to feel that's a step towards self compassion. 

Robyn: And again, self compassion and compassion is the neurobiology of change. I really, truly believe that compassion towards ourselves, and others is actually how we bring about the changes in the brain that we're all hoping for. The changes that would bring about more connection, more regulation, and ultimately, behavior change. Compassion is the neurobiology of change. It can feel risky, until you understand the science and realize that it's actually really not that risky, it's just science. 

Robyn: So self compassion first notices the pain, a soft sense of moving toward emerges. A feeling that is prompting the desire to connect, to co-regulate, to offer kindness. Self compassion connects us to every other human on the planet. Because to be human is to suffer. 

Robyn: Compassion, connection, and co-regulation are what I teach parents to do for their kids. But we need parents to do this for themselves too. And for each other. Parents need connection and co-regulation too, right? You need connection and co-regulation in order to become regulated enough that you could actually implement the parenting tools that you're learning about in trauma informed, connection based, brain based parenting. And that's what I teach you about your kids too, right? That in order for them to make the changes that you're hoping that they make. And usually we're thinking about behavior base changes, because behaviors are what we can see. In order for your kids to actually make those changes, they need connection, they need co-regulation, they need felt safety. So it makes perfect sense that of course, if you are trying to make some changes in how you parent, you need more than just the information, you need more than just the tools and just knowing what to do, right? You also need exactly what your kids need connection, and co-regulation so that you can stay regulated enough connected enough to your thinking brain that you can make the changes that you're wanting to make.

Robyn: You know, when then pandemic forced us to find ways to be apart but still together, I saw something pretty amazing emerge. The parents that I'm supporting through emails, and through blogging, and through social media, and now through this podcast, they were writing to me and telling me that they were feeling connected and co-regulated by me. They were using words like you've become a part of our family, or you're a voice in my head that supports me, right? People I've never met or ever even talked to. And I started to realize, like, gosh, you know, maybe I can create a space for this connection and co-regulation to be less, like happenstance, last- less accidental, and be more intentional. Like I can bring people together with each other. So they aren't just receiving this connection and co-regulation from me. They're going to start receiving it from each other. Like together, we can start to weave this huge, giant safety net, for everyone. For each other, for yourself, and for everyone else, on this journey of parenting kids who have experienced trauma. 

Robyn: So this is- that's like literally exactly what my intention is, as I set out to create what I'm calling The Club. And when we say this, in my family, like when my husband and I are talking about it, we say it with this voice of The Club. [laughter] So here's my hope, is that The Club is going to be a space for intentional connection, and co-regulation for compassion. In The Club, you'll continue to learn parenting strategies, but we're going to explore ways to create more regulation in yourself so that you can actually implement the strategies. Because we know that it's hard to implement the strategies. And it's not because you're not a good parent, right? It's hard to implement the strategies because you need more connection and co-regulation, just like what your kids need. So inside The Club, you're going to give and receive connection co-regulation to each other. And also connection and co-regulation to and from me, because I'm going to participate really actively. 

Robyn: So I'm going to open registration for The Club, briefly, for about a week. And my plan is to open it on December 31. Again, I’ll have a registration open- my plan is for about a week. I'm trying to stay a little bit flexible, because we're just living in a time where flexibility is needed for everything. So then I'm going to probably pause enrollment while all of us founding members work together to create what's going to be the culture of The Club, which I'm anticipating is going to be really the most important part is the creation of this culture. The creation of a culture that prioritizes connection and co-regulation. A culture in which everyone involved is deeply committed to the belief that everybody has infinite worth. Everybody. Like when I think about the possibilities of being in a community of people where you know every single person in that community believes in infinite worth. Which means they must believe that about you. Like when I think about the possibilities of what that could create or bring about, I'm truly left speechless. Like, there's an awe that comes up for me. And I think if you'd asked me nine months ago, if it was even possible to create something like this in a virtual format where we weren't getting together and being in a room with one another, I would have said, I'm really not sure. But I'm sure like, I'm positive, actually, that we can create this even, virtually, especially virtually, right. 

Robyn: So, I'd love for you to head over to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub, read about how I'm envisioning that The Club is going to unfold. And if this sounds like something you're interested in, I'd love for you to consider joining. My guess is that another Club member needs you and you might just need somebody else who's going to be in The Club. If you're listening to this episode after January 7, which is when I plan to close registration just for this first go round. Just while we take some time to really solidify what it really even means to be in The Club. But this Club feels like exactly what you're looking for. You can still head over to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub and add yourself to the waiting list. I'll then let you know the moment it reopens for membership, which I anticipate being sometime in the early spring.

Robyn: I know that me and all the other Club members can't wait to have you join us and to give to you what we've been giving to each other. Thanks for joining me on this journey into self compassion drop me an email, seriously drop me an email, and tell me how you feel about self compassion. If you want to read more about self compassion, you can head over to RobynGobbel.com/selfcompassion. And if you're looking for more support in understanding connection and brain based parenting, through the lens of regulation, connection and felt safety, head over to RobynGobbel.com/masterclass. Talk to you later.