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We made it! Here we are, part 6 of this 6 part series on attachment!
After a closer look at anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment, you might be wondering “OK, so now what? What do we actually do? How do we change insecure attachment?”
Even when we fully lean into the truth that the insecure streams of attachment are protective, we can still feel the sense that there is something missing.
There is a longing and a sadness that continues to go unseen and unmet. A longing and a sadness that is covered up by the behaviors of insecure attachment that unfortunately tend to perpetuate their expectation in relationship instead of meeting their hope.
What happens if we think less about how to change attachment and more about how we can stay connected to the ways insecure attachment developed?
Something was needed but not received.
To be safe, seen, soothed, and secure are needs.
When we don’t get the things we need, we develop all sorts of tactics to get that need met. We remain focused on the short-game, not the long-game.
What if, instead of focusing on changing attachment, we thought about what was needed in the moments that insecure patterns of attachment started to form, but not received?
Then we can stay curious and open to ways to help that person (or ourselves) receive what they need and are hoping for, and not what they are expecting.
Helping kids move from insecure to secure attachment always starts with our own.
X-Ray Vision Goggles
Remember how one of the characteristics of secure attachment in caregivers is that they have what I call x-ray vision goggles?
They can see beneath the behavior and respond to the need, not to the behavior.
They can make sense of the child’s behavior without personalizing it.
One way to help our children begin to shift to more security in attachment is to practice putting on our x-ray vision goggles.
This is why I’m so passionate about teaching parents to understand what’s underneath behavior. For so many parents, making sense of the behavior and truly understanding the underlying neurobiology is a fast path toward developing that x-ray vision!
I have also found that understanding what’s underneath a child’s behavior helps caregivers stay more present and regulated in the moment is difficult behavior, even if they still have no idea what to do about it. They can more easily de-personalize the behavior and remain in a more compassionate state.
Not only does this mean that they are less likely to respond in a way that escalates the situation but it’s also true that remaining grounded, present, and compassionate in the face of dysregulated behavior actually is an intervention.
It’s an intervention because it changes our children’s neurobiology.
What was needed?
If insecure attachment means something was needed but not received, then healing insecure attachment means giving now what was needed then.
Anxious Attachment
Children who develop anxious attachment needed a caregiver who could stay present- not entangled- with their dysregulation without becoming dysregulated themselves. Remember the Venn Diagram? The child’s distress and the caregiver’s distress merge too much.
Children with anxious attachment haven’t had the opportunity to develop much internalized co-regulation and don’t trust that they can rely on themselves to be OK.
These children need:
- Caregivers who can be with their dysregulation without rescuing them from it or merging with them in it.
- Support and encouragement to discover who they are- their likes and dislikes- because they’ve prioritized figuring out what other people like and dislike so that they can regulate that person and be OK.
Avoidant Attachment
Children who develop avoidant attachment needed a caregiver who could remain fully emotionally present and embodied, allowing some of the child’s distress to resonate in the caregiver’s body. Remember the Venn Diagram? The child’s distress and the caregiver’s don’t resonate enough.
Children with avoidant attachment have learned to over-rely on what I call (and I first heard this term from Stan Tatkin) ‘autoregulation’- a way of coping with their internal distress without relying on co-regulation but also not true self-regulation (since self-regulation is developed after repeated experiences of co-regulation).
These children need:
- Caregivers who can be with their dysregulation even though they don’t demonstrate dysregulation by offering presence, compassion, co-regulation, and attunement. These caregiver’s recognize that the ‘miscue’ of avoidant attachment is to look cool, calm, and collected; they trust that the child does have emotional needs even if they aren’t demonstrating them.
- Help recognizing their own sensations and feelings as well as the feelings and sensations of others.
Disorganized Attachment
Children who develop disorganized attachment needed a caregiver who was not mean, weak, or gone (Circle of Security). These children have internalized the disorganization and chaos from the caregiver’s nervous system. This internalization of chaos is what is causing the bizarre, chaotic and confusing behavior they now demonstrate.
These children need:
- Caregivers who can stay present and regulated
- Caregivers who can see that it’s the child’s internal disorganization that is causing difficult behavior. It’s actually very simple- but extremely challenging.
Rupture and Repair
One of the most fascinating aspects of attachment research is that children who develop insecure attachment receive relatively the same amount of attunement from their caregivers as children who develop insecure attachment.
What’s the difference then??
Caregivers with secure attachment offer repair to their child when there has been a rupture.
Caregivers with secure attachment notice when they have fallen out of synchrony and attunement with their child.
They can regulate through the rupture themselves and then take a step in the dance toward repair.
It is so brave and so vulnerable to repair with someone after there has been a rupture in your relationship.
It feels especially brave and vulnerable to do this with our children.
What if learning the art of repair could lead to more secure attachment in your child- and in you??
It can and it does.
This simple truth has brought so much relief to the families I work with- and myself.
Healing attachment has nothing to do with being a perfect parent.
What children need is for their parents to put their x-ray vision goggles on as often as possible so they can see their children who is hiding behind the behavior. They need parents who see their true selves- an imperfectly perfect child who is struggling in that moment.
What children need is for their parents to be regulated themselves enough that they can provide the co-regulation and soothing that the child needs. Not 100% of the time. Just enough.
What children need is for their parents to repair when things have gone awry. They need their parents to see that a relationship rupture has occurred and then be brave enough to make a repair.
What children need is parents who practice self-compassion because self-compassion leads to a more secure state of mind in the caregiver. A more secure state of mind makes it easier to put on those x-ray vision goggles, see beneath the behavior, soothe the dysregulation, and make a repair when they need to.
Luckily, you are in the right place.
This is a place where you will discover you are worthy of self-compassion. Click around the blog- you’ll see that quickly!
This is a place where you will learn about what’s underneath your child’s challenging behaviors so you can put on those x-ray vision goggles and meet their real need.
This is a place where you can go deeper if you want.
In Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain you will become an expert at putting on those x-ray vision goggles. You’ll learn how to respond based on how dysregulated your child really is. You’ll learn how to repair- with yourself, and your child.
In The Club, you’ll receive what you need so that you can give your child what they need- more connection and more co-regulation. The Club is a virtual community just for parents of kids with a history of trauma (and the professionals who support them).
Children with a history of trauma or big, baffling behavior are so overwhelming to parent! It’s lonely, isolating, and just plain hard. The Club is a place to be seen and known. It’s a place to undo the aloneness. It’s a place to give and receive the connection and co-regulation you need so that you can parent the way you want to.
The Club welcomes new members approximately every three months! Our doors will fling open and you can strut down the glittery (virtual) red carpet between June 29 and July 6. You can read all about The Club, including testimonials from current Club members, HERE.
Did you love this series?
I did! So much that I had all six blogs turned into a beautiful, downloadable PDF e-book. With the e-book, you’ll be able to easily re-read the series without being online. It’s also beautiful, if I do say so myself.
I’d love to send you the e-book right now! Just let me know below the email address where you’d like me to send it!
Thank you for everything you are doing for kids and their families. You’re part of a world-changing movement of change-makers.
Robyn
Don’t forget to check out this week’s podcast all about attachment, too! You can listen to the podcast directly on my website HERE or search for Parenting after Trauma wherever you listen to podcasts- iTunes, Google Podcast, Stitcher, Spotify, and more!
The Club will be opening for new members June 29 – July 6!!! After that, we pause registration so we can welcome everyone and cultivate a space where everyone has the opportunity to feel seen and known. We’ll open the doors again in the fall!
