The Hub, The Rim, The Both And
“…Our mind can be pictured as a bicycle wheel, with the hub at the center and spokes radiating at the outer rim. The rim represents anything we can pay attention to or become aware of. The hub is the inner place of the mind from which we become aware of all that’s happening around and within us…” Dr. Dan Siegel
I can only imagine how I’d be managing this life-upending pandemic if it wasn’t for my immersion into interpersonal neurobiology and the relational neurosciences.
If it hadn’t been for the science, I don’t know if I would have ever risked wading into the waters of integration, relational connection, and regulation.
IPNB turned this graphic…the idea that we have a hub of the mind and we can shift our attention to connect with things out on the rim….from a theoretical idea that sounded nice into a reality.
I lived my life completely on the rim. I didn’t NOTICE a feeling. I WAS a feeling. I was swept away. I had no sense of a hub. I had no sense of a ME.
I DEFINITELY had no idea what it meant to be with the ‘both and’.
And here we are. At the beginning of a crisis that will change our lives forever. NOTHING will ever be the same. And also there is the reality that it’s highly likely that me and my family will be one of the lucky ones. We will recover financially. We will not lose our house. If we get sick, we will probably get healthy again (though it seems to be more and more clear that this virus is unforgiving and we are ALL at risk of getting sick and not getting healthy again).
What about the people who cannot visit their dying loved ones…loved ones already on hospice when this started.
What about the folks who had their first day of sobriety on March 15th…
What about the children who live with adults who already cannot manage stress…and are flooded with emotion that makes them violent or turns them toward substances? And now these children aren’t in school, aren’t around other safe people.
I could write for days about the scenarios…the real-life scenarios that I would sit here and make up but that are actually happening to people out there RIGHT NOW while I sit in my home office and contemplate how I will dress warm-enough to go for a walk when it’s 30 degrees. I could write for DAYS about those scenarios but they aren’t scenarios, they are real.
And four or five years ago? Honestly…I’d sit here in complete paralysis about those scenarios. I’d sit in paralysis about my OWN situation, which truly, isn’t dire. I’d rage and cry and convince myself that the worse-case-scenario is absolutely inevitable so what is even the point.
And today? Well…actually…I’m still doing those things. But the difference? The difference in me today because I’ve lived and breathed and loved the relational neurosciences to the point that it has changed the cells in my body?
Today I can pause. Today I can see the terror, the paralysis…as points on the rim. And I can notice them, allow them to grab my attention…and then I can move on to the next point on the rim. And sometimes I find myself stranded at the rim not even knowing that any other point on the rim could possibly exist. And sometimes I stay in my hub, noticing these rims points and moving on to others.
When I hang in my hub, I can be with the both and. I can be with two completely contradictory experiences AT THE SAME TIME. I can welcome them all. I can not shame any part of me. I can acknowledge that terror, grief, and a toddler-like tantrum are all welcome. And so is peace, leaning into the unknown, and gratitude for all my good-fortunes.
The best part about the hub? Sometimes I am sitting so solidly in my hub that I can watch other people dancing on their rim…and not get pulled onto my own rim point. I can see them as simply being swept away. But I can stay in my hub. And maybe, I can even LEND them my hub. Maybe not. But hey…you never know.
I’m going to do my best to stay in my hub today. To notice all the things. To allow the terror. To allow the OKness. I’m also going to practice compassion when I return to my hub after being fully swept onto the rim. I won’t judge myself or shame myself. I will be grateful I could come back to the hub.
And I will be forever grateful to my mentors in the IPNB world…to my therapist…to my dear dear friends who support me in my hub…and to my husband.
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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S (when not in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic) is a blogger, teacher, trainer, and consultant for therapists and professionals working with children with a history of complex trauma.
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