Undoing Aloneness {EP 22}
Keep reading or listen on the podcast!
There’s a moment of energetic meeting between two people that is the sweetest most human experience possible.
In that moment, there’s a breath of
I exist.
You exist.
You are with me.
I am not alone.
In that moment, there’s an intertwining of energies as the silent dance of co-regulation begins.
These moments are not a luxury. These moments are a necessity.
Parents of kids with a history of relational and complex trauma are some of the loneliest people I’ve ever known.
The well of aloneness is deep when you are parenting a child who’s own history in relationships means they are terrified of that sweet moment of energetic meeting.
These deeply wounded precious sweet children crave this moment with their entire being in a way that would overwhelm them if they acknowledged it.
These deeply wounded precious sweet children match the intensity of that craving with an intensity of complete rejection.
Rejection of themselves and rejection of those who try to meet them in a space of connection.
Humans exist whether someone acknowledges that existence or not.
But we only KNOW we exist because someone acknowledges our existence.
Because someone meets us in that space of connection.
Someone brings their existence and touches ours.
When children experience deep pain in their earliest relationship- pain of being hurt, pain of being ignored and unseen,
pain of being present with adults who were so dysregulated they weren’t energetically present for their child-
they do not have the necessary experience of having their existence acknowledged.
So even though they do indeed exist, they hardly have any moments of experiencing that they exist. It makes existence slippery.
The possibility of not existing is felt and real and utterly annihilatingly terrifying.
When you aren’t sure you exist, you desperately crave confirmation that you do
while also desperately doing everything possible to avoid confirmation that you do.
Parenting, loving, and attempting to create moments of connection with this deeply wounded precious sweet child is a profoundly lonely journey. And then….absolutely no one gets it.
It’s an experience that unless you have direct experience with, unless you can hold the felt sense of it in your own heart and mind and body, it’s impossible to truly understand.
The loneliness in parenting becomes compounded when the loneliness isn’t seen. The loneliness is traumatic.
It leaves an imprint on our spirits that wreaks havoc on our health (physical and mental) and our relationships (with others, and with ourselves).
I’m writing this for the parents who are longing to feel seen.
I see you.
I’m writing this for the professionals who
have the great privilege and honor of meeting with these parents.
They need you to see them.
In fact, it’s really the only thing they need from you.
They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that you have no idea how to help them. They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that bringing healing to children who have experienced relational trauma is a loooooooong road without many moments that confirm you are the right road. They need you to feel comfortable with the enormity of the intensity of both them and their child.
Being uncertain of your own existence in the world is overwhelming. When it comes into your office, you could become swallowed by the overwhelm or you could welcome the overwhelm, hold it, be with it, see it.
Undoing aloneness is your number one goal.
Undoing aloneness in families where it’s possible that the chaos and overwhelm won’t ever change might be your only goal.
It’s profoundly healing to not be alone.
It’s profoundly healing to have someone meet you there and say
“I am not afraid. I will be with you here.
I will confront my own feelings of helplessness
and be with you right here. I will not go.”
Parents of kids with relational trauma are desperate for things to change. They also have a terror and a knowing that it’s possible things won’t. Yes, they want us- the therapists and professionals- to help things change. But yes, they also do know that it’s maybe not possible and what they really want is to feel seen. Known. Not alone.
They want to be met in that energetic space of meeting.
It isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity.
Listen on the Podcast
This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.
Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’
Robyn
- Secure Relating with Guests Sue & Ann from Therapist Uncensored {EP 175} - April 23, 2024
- When It’s Hard To Keep Offering Connection {EP 174} - April 16, 2024
- Are Connected Kids Always Cooperative? {EP 173} - April 9, 2024
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