Robyn: This is episode 22 and today I'm talking about the aloneness of trauma, the aloneness of parenting a child with a history of trauma, or working with clients with a history of trauma, and holding up curiosity for how we might begin to undo that overwhelming aloneness. I started this podcast 22 episodes ago to get free, accessible support to you as fast as possible. So this podcast isn't fancy, and I do very little editing. Sometimes you'll hear Cock a Doodle do in the background, and that might be especially true today, because it is early and the perfect time for lots of Cock a Doodle doing if you love this episode, add Parenting After Trauma to your favorite podcast player and share with your friends and colleagues, be sure to head over to robyngobbel.com to discover all the free resources I have for you. You can also read about the club over at Robyngobbel.com/theclub. It's a very special virtual space for parents to experience the connection, and co-regulation you need, along with a little trauma, informed education. It's a space for parents and the professionals who support them to come together to undo aloneness, and we are reopening the doors for new members very soon.    

Robyn: To think about the vast reaches of aloneness. Let's first think about the vast reaches of connection, right? There's this like moment of energetic meeting that happens between two people when their nervous systems come together and touch right in the space between them, that is the sweetest, most human experience possible. It's in that moment that there's this breath of I exist, you exist. You are with me here in this moment, which means I am not alone in that moment, there's this intertwining of energies as the silent dance of co-regulation begins. These moments, y'all. These are not moments of human luxury, okay, these are moments of human necessity, meaning we need these moments of touching into connection, these moments of I exist. You exist. You are with me and I am not alone. It's this felt sense of I exist that knits us together, like knits our own individual neurobiology together, and then contributes, of course, to the knitting together of we all exist together. It's an experience that like underlies the creation of our sense of self, of a sense of I am me, a sense of I am here. Traumatic experiences, though can leave this devastating sense of aloneness printed on our nervous systems, especially if those traumatic experiences are ongoing, and if the individual doesn't receive the co-regulation that's important in helping their nervous system recalibrate, so parents of kids with a history of relational and complex trauma are some of the loneliest people I have ever known, a well of aloneness so deep.    

Robyn: It's so deep when you're parenting a child whose own history and relationship means they are terrified of that sweet moment of energetic meeting these deeply, deeply wounded but precious, Sweet children crave this moment, this moment the sweetness where our systems come together and touch like kiss, almost in this energetic space in between us, they crave this moment with their entire being, in a way that honestly would overwhelm them if they gave it any conscious attention, which is why they don't, which is why some of our kids with histories of trauma have managed to almost convince themselves and convince us that they don't need connection. Which couldn't be further from the truth, it's not possible for a human to not need connection, but the desire of it, acknowledging the desire of it when you've also been hurt in that very space is too much.    

Robyn: It's simply too overwhelming, these deeply wounded, but especially precious sweet children match the intensity of that craving with an intensity of complete rejection, rejection of themselves and rejection of those who try to meet them in this space of connection, humans exist whether someone acknowledges that existence or not, but we only know we exist, we only feel that we exist because somebody acknowledges our existence, somebody meets us in that space of connection. Someone brings their existence and touches ours when children experience deep, deep pain in their earliest relationships, pain of being hurt, pain of being ignored and unseen, pain of being present with adults who are so dysregulated that they weren't energy, energetically present for their kids. Our kids, then, don't have the history of necessary experiences of having their own existence acknowledged. So even though, of course, they do indeed exist, they have few moments of experiencing the felt truth that they exist. This lack of having enough experiences makes existence feel slippery. The possibility of not existing is felt in real and utterly annihilatingly terrifying. When you aren't sure if you exist. You both desperately crave confirmation that you do, while also desperately doing everything possible to avoid confirmation that you do.   

Robyn: Parenting, loving and attempting to create moments of connection with these deeply wounded but preciously wonderful, sweet children is a profoundly lonely journey. And then this loneliness is is compounded because it seems as though absolutely nobody else gets it. Being in close relationship with somebody with a history of trauma is such a unique experience that unless you have direct felt experience with it, unless you can really hold that felt sense in your own heart. Mind and Body, it's almost impossible, or completely impossible, to truly imagine the loneliness of parenting children with a history of trauma becomes compounded exponentially when that loneliness isn't seen really by anyone, by friends, peers, colleagues, partners, family members, teachers, therapists, the helpers who are truly supposed to get it and see it. And this loneliness is traumatic. It leaves an imprint on our spirits that just wreaks havoc on our health, our physical health and our mental health, as well as on our relationships, right? Our relationships with others, our relationships with our kids and our relationship with our self, longing for that moment of meeting between yourself and your child is human. It is not the same as longing for your child to meet your emotional needs. Your child doesn't actually owe you connection, but that doesn't make it any less lonely and traumatic that you aren't receiving it.    

Robyn: Parenting. I mean, all relationships work because of the mutual participation of the dance of serve and return the volley of connection, receiving that connection and then volleying it back. We can understand why the devastating impacts of trauma are impairing our child's ability to receive and volley back our connection right? We can acknowledge that our kids don't owe us anything, including connection, while also acknowledging that it is deeply painful and traumatic to not receive that volley of connection back. Both are true. So I'm here this morning recording this podcast for the parents who are longing to feel seen. I see you. I'm also here up early this morning recording in my PJs, crossing my fingers that my son's morning alarm clock isn't being captured by the recording for all the professionals who have the great privilege and honor of meeting with these parents, therapists, helpers, y'all are doing amazing work. I am so, so grateful for you. Y'all are doing amazing work period, and add into that the co-occurring and co-experience trauma of the pandemic and the heightened sense of aloneness and isolation while continuing to provide the best care to your clients possible. You are doing amazing work, and I see you. I'm so grateful for you.    

Robyn: Parents of kids impacted by trauma, need you to see them deeply, deeply, see them and be with them, and it's really the only thing they need from you, they need you to feel comfortable with the truth that you sometimes have no idea how to help them. They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that bringing healing to children who have experienced relational trauma is a long road with few moments of confirmation that you are on the right road, they need you to feel comfortable with the enormity of the intensity of both them, the parents and their child. Being uncertain of your own existence in the world is overwhelming when that uncertainty comes into your office or even meets you on the Zoom screen. You could become swallowed by that overwhelm, or you could welcome the overwhelm, hold it, be with it, see it. Because undoing aloneness is truly your number one goal. Undoing aloneness in families, where it's possible that the chaos and the overwhelm won't ever change, might be your only goal. It is profoundly healing to not be alone. It is profoundly healing to have someone meet you there and say, I am not afraid. I will be with you here. I will confront all my own feelings of helplessness and be with you right here. I will not go.    

Robyn: Now, I also know that it is profoundly hard to continually and repeatedly show up for our clients and their families in that way, and you deserve all the support that you can get so that you can keep moving forward. You can keep day after day, hour after hour, showing up for families in this way, families who are bringing into your office overwhelming experiences of trauma and aloneness. Parents of kids with relational trauma are desperate for things to change. They also have a terror and a knowing that it's possible things won't change. Yes, they want us, the therapists and the professionals to help things change, but yes, they also really, truly do know that maybe it's not possible for things to change and really truly, what they want is to feel seen, to feel known, to definitely not feel judged, to not be alone. They want to be met in this energetic space of meeting. Because remember, this energetic space of meeting isn't a luxury. It's a necessity, a necessity in being human. So therapists, you know, I adore you, and it's important for you to find your own spaces where you can be seen and known, because it's not a luxury for you either. It's a necessity.    

Robyn: Parents, I know that there just aren't enough helpers out there, meeting you in that space, connecting with you there, truly seeing with you. So creating more spaces for you to feel felt, has become the primary goal of my work, it's what my colleagues that you've had the luxury of meeting on this podcast. It's what's they're doing, Mark and Ann and Karen and Eileen and Jessica. They're all out there creating spaces for you to feel seen, either directly with them, in the work that they're doing with families, or in the way that they're out there, helping more therapists feel confident in this work, the undoing of aloneness, the necessity of connection and co-regulation. This is exactly why I created the club. So we were in quarantine for nine months, and I started to get messages and emails from parents that were that were indicating to me that undoing aloneness was possible, even in a virtual space. Y'all were emailing me and telling me that when you hear my voice in your head, it's bringing you another moment of regulation. It's bringing you another moment of compassion for yourselves. Parents were emailing me and telling me this like parents I've never, ever ever met before. Parents were the only contact I've had with them is in the emails that they get from me. Alright, so what I learned from that, what I learned from y'all having the guts to email me and tell me these things, is that we can create, with intentionality, a space specifically for connection, co-regulation and undoing aloneness. Honestly, this is like the missing link in trauma-informed education and care.    

Robyn: So the club has been so wonderful the three months almost now of watching these parents and also professionals come together with a commitment to connection and co-regulation and showing up for each other while also holding compassionate boundaries for each other. It's exceeded all of my expectations, and I just can't wait to reopen the doors again and bring new members into this experience. So the club's going to reopen for new members soon. I open it approximately every three months. That's my aim. If you head over to robyngobbel.com/theclub, you can read all the details and sign up to be notified as soon as the club reopens for new members, like I said, probably about every three months while you're on my website. Then, of course, poke around and grab all the free resources that are available, all the blogs, all the videos, there's all sorts of free resources, and I want you to have.   

Robyn: You can also get immediate access to short webinars on really narrow topics like lying or oppositional behavior, or deep dive into my comprehensive online course Parenting After Trauma: Minding The Heart And Brain. If you are loving this podcast, please share. I am so grateful that you're tuning in. I'm so grateful for all of you that are tuning in week after week after week. I am so grateful for the privilege of coming to you week after week after week and being a part of what feels like a movement, a real movement of people creating significant change in the world, a movement that's starting with parents of kids impacted by trauma. And I think that's pretty awesome. The sooner, truly, the sooner the whole world understands the neurobiology of being relationally, socially and behaviorally human, the sooner our kids will live in a world that sees them for who they really are, completely amazing and sometimes struggling, sometimes struggling a lot. Thank you for tuning in today. I will see you next time!