Helping Siblings Understand “Unfair” Parenting {EP 186}

Robyn: So I've decided I'm going to devote a decent amount of time to talking about siblings, both here on the podcast and over in the club. So as we move into July, we have a Masterclass planned in the club about siblings, and then we always do this event called, 'Putting It Into Practice.' Whenever we have a Masterclass, we get together later in the month to have a more casual and formal discussion around what was learned in the masterclass and how we're implementing it. I kind of talk about it like we take the theory, and then we come back later and we talk about it in real life, like, that's what it looked like theoretically, here's what it's looking like in real life, and then to support one another. And because I'm doing so much thinking about siblings right now, it made sense for me to do a few podcast episodes about siblings. So this is the first one. I have several planned. We'll see how this unfolds. I'm a little reluctant to call it at this point a specific series, although probably at the end it will be like a series. I'm just reluctant to do so at this point because I'm not entirely sure all that's going to go into it, sort of taking it as it comes and going to hear your feedback and see what other things you want to explore.    

Robyn: Now it feels really important to me to give you kind of this caveat up front that I parent and have only ever parented one child. My kiddo is an only child. I've never parented siblings. I have siblings, but I've never parented siblings. And also, I've spent my life as a therapist, not like a teacher, meaning I've spent my life with kids, one at a time, right? And so while I've certainly listened intensely to the children and to their parents about what's happening. You know the intensity of sibling dynamics, the nuances of sibling dynamics, and can take everything you know that I've experienced as a very intense listener, and also see, you know what has been helpful and what hasn't been helpful to not just parents of multiple kids, but parents of multiple kids where at least one of them has this behavior based special need, right? The vulnerability in the nervous system that comes out with behavioral symptoms. I can take everything I've learned about working with those families and to see what has worked for them, what hasn't worked for them, because so much, of course, you know, there's so much kind of mainstream, typical parenting advice, whether it's about your child who's struggling, or about the siblings of children who struggle. So much of it just really doesn't apply.     

Robyn: So I'm going to do my best here, because there is such a absence of information for families like yours, and I'm going to just kind of do what I do, which is try to fill that gap. And instead of feeling like, oh my gosh, I've never parented siblings before, it shouldn't be me that fills that gap, I'm gonna just do my very, very best. I'm gonna acknowledge my limitations up front, and I'm going to seek out folks to bring you who can kind of fill that gap.   

Robyn: So we're going to start by tackling this question of, how do we help the other kids in the family who are feeling as though this way of parenting their sibling with a behavioral special need or a vulnerable nervous system, when they feel like it's unfair? How do we help those kids. Okay, for without question, when you feel like something's unfair, you are flipping into protection mode. Either that feeling is flipping you into protection mode or you're spending a lot of time in protection mode anyway, and then, because of that, the lens that you have with the world and the way that you're labeling things is going to be labeled with something like the word unfair, right? So that's a protection mode experience feeling like something else is unfair, and this is not a bad thing necessarily, right? Think about all the things in the world that have been solved because we have felt they were unfair, it flips us into protection mode, and then we do something about it, right? I mean, that's social justice at its core.   

Robyn:  So it's not- remember, protection mode's not bad, and it's not even necessarily bad that this your your other kids are feeling as though this way of parenting is unfair. It's telling us about what's happening for them, and it's giving us information that's letting us attune to them better. So how do we support how do we help the siblings who feel as though this is unfair, the way that their siblings are parented is unfair. I took notes on five different topics underneath this topic. So I'm going to go through those five quickly, and then I'm going to talk about each five a little bit more in depth. And then some of these deserve their entire own episode. And so I will do exactly that. Okay, so we're going to do it quickly, then a little more in depth, and then, if necessary, I'll come back and record an entirely separate episode.    

Robyn: So these are the five things that came to mind that we want to get curious about. If we have a child in our family who feels like one of their siblings is being parented in a very unfair way. Number one, I want us to consider, are we parenting all kids through the lens of regulation, connection, and felt safety? And if not, then we have to be honest with ourselves that they kind of have a point, that it is unfair, that this way of parenting isn't only for kids with behavioral challenges. We can look at all human behavior, even human behavior that kind of falls within the realm of quote-unquote normal or quote-unquote typical. We can look at all of that behavior through the lens of regulation, connection and felt safety. So number one, are you parenting all of your children through the lens of regulation and connection and felt safety?    

Robyn: Number two, do all of your kids know about Owls, Watchdogs and Possums? And if not, do they have some way of labeling, identifying, articulating and talking about behavior in a way that is curious and non-judgmental and still honest, right? Owls, Watchdogs and Possums don't excuse, quote-unquote, bad behavior, right? And if they do know about Owls, Watchdogs and Possums or some other way to understand behavior. Do they all understand? Do all of your kids understand that the approach we're taking is to grow Owl brains, to strengthen Owl brains, as opposed to punishing Watchdog or Possum brains, right, that even when we are responding to Watchdog and Possum behavior, it isn't to punish or consequence, right? It is to offer regulation, connection, and felt safety, so the protective behaviors can decrease, right, and we can grow the Owl brain. So for me, all kids can know about Owls, Watchdogs and Possums, or some kind of metaphor, some way that we can talk about behavior in a way that recognizes what the quote-unquote, real problem is, and not through the lens of being a good kid or a bad kid. Okay, all kids can do that, toddlers, right?    

Robyn: Then the third question I want us to ask ourselves is, does your child- do all of your children understand what it means to have a vulnerable nervous system and a sensitized stress response system? Now, I think that kids much younger than what we would maybe initially expect can understand nervous system vulnerability, but I would say at least your young school aged children can begin to understand that all people are different, and some people have more vulnerability or sensitivity in their nervous system, in their stress response system. Now, I of course, talk with little kids about having overactive Watchdog and Possum brains, or overactive Watchdog and Possum pathways and still growing or still hatching, or still needing to be really nurtured, or younger, or something like that, Owl brains, right? Like I just stay in the metaphor, and it helps me again, kind of de-pathologize. It helps me talk about things honestly, without moving into shaming, blaming, criticism, right? That's- and also without using words like a vulnerable nervous system. That's not exactly the approach I would take with a five year old. So I talk about overactive Watchdog and Possum pathways.    

Robyn: And my experience as a play therapist working with kids very young, is that very young children can have an ability to one, understand Owls, Watchdogs, and Possums, and two, understand overactive Watchdog and Possum brains and owl brains that are young or still hatching or still growing, right? And we, again, tend can talk about this all in a pretty neutral way. It's not good or bad, it just is, right? And so regardless of the language you use, right, we have to kind of expand the idea of Owls, Watchdogs and Possums into the idea that some folks have these sensitivities, some folks have these vulnerabilities, and we need to make sure that we're not just talking about these ideas with your one child and your family, but that we're applying this lens of humans to everyone, to everyone, to people in our families, to people we know, to people we don't know, to people in media that- we are- when we're in our Owl brain, that we are shifting how we see people and how we see behaviors. We can't just apply this lens to our one child who is struggling or who has more vulnerability. Again, then it is unfair, and then your other children, then they have a point, right?     

Robyn: So we've got to make sure we've taken like a world lens, shifting approach. I know when I started to really understand relational neuroscience and what behavior really is, and that no behavior is maladaptive. That really caused me to have to deconstruct kind of everything right? I really had to make major shifts in what I believed, not just about the behavior of people who were struggling, but about the behavior of everyone and about things that I had been taught by people I really trusted, and beliefs that I had about how the world worked, like I really had to deconstruct all that, and it was a lot of work, right? And so we've got to make sure that we're applying this lens shift to everyone.   

Robyn: The fourth thing to think about when considering how to support our kids who feel like this way of parenting their siblings is really unfair, is, does that child, the child who feels like this is really unfair? Do they feel really seen in their experience as a sibling of a child with behavioral special needs, right? Do they believe that you understand how hard things are for them, how bad things are for them, and whatever that means in your family, it could mean how scared they are. It could mean how overlooked or disregarded they feel at some- you know, sometimes it could be the pressure of the role of being a child who doesn't have behavioral special needs. It could be the embarrassment at school of having a sibling who is, you know, whatever, always in trouble, whatever it- whatever the words are that apply to your specific family. Does your child feel really seen and heard and known and understood?    

Robyn: It is very common. Okay, so hear what I'm saying, not as criticism, but as validation of you and your experience. It is very common for us to kind of project some of our own adult coping skills onto our kids, right? And so when they, you know, complain or they have behaviors that let us know that they think that this is unfair, or they're unhappy or they don't want it to be this way, right? That we kind of skip over the validation part and move right to the coping skills part, right? Like, in some way, shape or form, we end up kind of communicating to our kids like, you're gonna have to just get over it. It is what it is, you're gonna have to get over it. And we skip over the, yeah, you're right. This is really crummy, yeah, you're right. This is really unfair. Yeah, you're right. It is really embarrassing to go to the park and have your brother or sister or sibling do this or act this way, yeah, you're right. It is really crummy that we miss things or we can't do things because your sibling is having a overactive Watchdog moment and we can't leave the house, right? That validation piece? Yeah, you're right. Of course you feel that way. That makes perfect sense. It's a really, really, really crucial piece, and it is an easy one to start kind of jumping over when we live in a place where the problem is chronic, where the problem doesn't get solved. We can start to have our own sense of like there's no use complaining about it. We gotta just deal with it and get over it, and then we can kind of project that on to other folks and again, really skip over this crucial part that brings us to acceptance, right? That brings us back into connection mode, right? And that's the validation.    

Robyn: And in my book, I talk about the importance of validating your child with baffling behaviors or vulnerable nervous system, history of complex trauma, whatever, right? In Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors. I talk about how we've- we need to, you know, attune and validate. Even if it's irrational, like even if what they're telling us they're mad about, or they're upset about, or they're in Watchdog brain about, or in Possum brain about that, even if that's irrational, the first thing we need to do is somehow come into attunement and validation with it. That doesn't mean we're agreeing with it or telling them that they're right. It just means that we're with them in that feeling, in that moment, and we gotta make sure we're doing that for our siblings as well. And y'all, I know this is exhausting. I know that this is exhausting, okay?    

Robyn: And then number five, right? Get curious what your experiencing from your other children or with your other children. Is this really about untended to or unprocessed grief? I don't know that I've talked about grief super specifically on the podcast much lately, so we are going to do a whole separate episode about the grief that our siblings have, that our kids who have a sibling with a child with behavioral special needs, their grief. But also y'all are grief because we have very righteous grief for not being able to change something that's really hard for our kids and you having kids in a family that wasn't how you'd dreamed or how you'd imagined, right? There's very real, very righteous grief, and we need to attend to that.    

Robyn: Now I said I was going to go through those five quickly and then go back and do a slightly bigger exploration of them, and then maybe do an entire episode on some of them. I talked a little bit more about each of them than I had planned to, and I was just going to go through this list/ But let's go back through them now, the five, and talk about them just a little bit more. So, like I said at the very, very, very beginning, of you know those- that five. The absolute most important thing to do is to make sure that we are truly making a complete paradigm shift about what we believe behavior really is, and what we believe about people, and what we believe about people who are not acting, quote-unquote, good. We want to make sure we're really applying that broadly to all people, to ourselves, to our other siblings, to the way we talk about people out in the world, to the way we talk about people on the news, right? Are we applying this paradigm shift?    

Robyn: We are not excusing bad behavior, but are we applying this paradigm shift of understanding that behavior is just a cue or clue to what's happening on the inside, and we can still, of course, have boundaries about that. Are we applying that really, really, really broadly? If we don't do that fully, then it takes time. So if you feel like, oh my gosh, I haven't done that fully, don't worry. It takes a lot of time. And when I get my most dysregulated, I still fall out of it, because when we get dysregulated, we fall back into old behavior patterns. And our old behavior pattern is, that behavior is a choice that it needs to be punished in order for it to change right. And I still go there sometimes when I am the most dysregulated, but overall, I've made a fairly global paradigm shift, but it has taken time, so it's okay if you're still kind of working on that, but be actively practicing it. You know, apply these ideas to folks outside your family.    

Robyn: I remember when my kid was elementary age, probably middle elementary, maybe third or fourth grade, and there was a kid that they were really struggling with at school. And the kid's behavior wasn't dangerous, but it was certainly obnoxious and annoying and intrusive. And my child was really, really, really unhappy about the way this other child was behaving. And so we would talk a lot about what might be going on for this other child, but we would also do it through the lens of, yeah, and this behavior is really annoying, like, I get why you're mad. I get why you don't want to play with him and you don't have to. And I know that this kid is acting this way because there's got to be something going on, or this kid needs more supports, or I hope the teachers can help get this kid what they need. And so it was very clear that wasn't my kid's responsibility to get this kid what they need, and it wasn't my kid's fault that the kid wasn't getting what they need, and also that my kid didn't need to be friends with this person or be okay with this behavior or tolerate this behavior, but that we could still understand where this behavior was coming from. Now, was that like an instant shift for my kid, like, Oh, of course, mom, now I understand exactly why they're acting this way, and I can have so much more compassion. Well, no, of course not. But over time, did it matter? I think so. I think so, this paradigm shift isn't just about your one child who's struggling. This is about humanity.    

Robyn: In my family, we work to see everyone's behavior through this lens. Now we do not do this perfectly. We don't do this perfectly for each other, and we don't do this for perfectly for people outside our family, like we all. We're perfectly human in my family too, and we get dysregulated, and sometimes we see people's behaviors through a less compassionate lens. But when we are all regulated, would I say that this is a, you know, a pretty like, solidified family value, yes, and it's a family value that even though we view behaviors through this lens, we can still be very mad about bad behavior, we can still be outraged, we can still even yell, right? We can certainly set boundaries, right? So we're not saying that by seeing behavior through this lens, we shift into excusing the behavior. And if this is a newer concept for you, I actually have a whole podcast episode all about how understanding behavior is not excusing it. I'll make sure that the link to that gets in the show notes.    

Robyn: Make sure we're teaching all of our kids about Owls, Watchdogs, and Possums, and really stop talking about behavior in general. Stop talking about, you know, when your sister hit or when your brother stole your toy, and start talking about, oh, I watched your sister's watchdog brain get so active, and then she hit you, right? Or something like that. Again, this is not to excuse the behavior. You know, I follow that up instantly with and of course, when you watch your sister's Watchdog brain get that big and hit you, then your Watchdog brain took over too. Of course it did. That makes perfect sense. Watchdogs are there to protect us, right? So we can talk about it all through that lens. Talk about growing Owl brains, talk about how our Watchdog and Possum brains want us to punish behavior we don't like. Want us to punish behavior we want to change in other people. Want us to believe that we should control other people's behaviors, and how that even you wish that it worked that way, because man, wouldn't it be easier if we could just punish and the bad behavior went away? And frankly, when we're in our own Watchdog brain, punishment feels good and powerful, right? So like, validate your child's longing for that punishment. Or quote-unquote consequences would work.    

Robyn: Of course, they wish that it worked. We do too. It sure would be easier, right? But it doesn't work, right? It makes Watchdog and Possum brains more scared, more vulnerable, more sensitive. And so even though it seems so bonkers, we have to shift our focus to growing Owl brains. We want our other kids to understand that not only does everyone have an Owl, Watchdog and Possum brain, but that some people have a sensitized stress response system. Some people have special needs. Some people need extra supports, right? If you've listened to the episode with my husband, I interviewed my husband a long, long time ago. I think I talked about this on that episode, maybe not, but my husband is significantly earring hearing impaired, wears hearing aids, and I actually have a hearing issue as well, but it doesn't impact me near to the way that it impacts my husband. So my husband just doesn't hear well. And the truth of the matter is, y'all is that sometimes it's frustrating to hear when somebody doesn't hear well, right? It's frustrating to have to repeat something multiple times, right? It's frustrating to have somebody get upset with you because they misheard what you said, right?    

Robyn: That is valid frustration, but also it's my job to get frustrated with somebody else's disability as infrequently as possible, and also to teach my kid about having lots and lots of compassion for his dad, right? It is a hard and fast rule. And my family, we never, ever, ever, ever get personal or mean or nasty about something that's happening because my husband is struggling to hear. Now, that doesn't mean we don't sometimes get frustrated, and it doesn't mean- I mean it is- it feels yucky to feel unheard, right? And so there's a reality that, like sometimes it feels yucky for me when I'm feeling unheard, and I can acknowledge that feeling while also still staying in a place of compassion about what is happening for this other person, right? And so sometimes if we do get frustrated, or if we do respond in a way that isn't kind or compassionate, we go back and we apologize, right? Because frankly, y'all, it really sucks for people to be frustrated with you over the way that you exist in the world, right? And so in my family, it is our job, me and my son's job, to try to accommodate this, right? We try to get my husband's attention before we start talking to him. We watch TV with closed captioning. We think about what restaurants we go to because some of them are too loud and we can't hear and that's no fun. We accommodate, we have compassion, we help him, and sometimes, yes, it is frustrating, and sometimes we even express our frustration sometimes to each other, my son and I, this is perfectly human. This is very normal. But then we take a breath and we work to have patience.    

Robyn: And I understand that the impact of the behaviors of the children in your home, the impact is so much more significant, and for some of you listening, it is dangerous, but the bottom line underneath, that it is a nervous system disability with behavioral symptoms, right? There's still a lot of similarities here, right? And to have valid frustration and then kind of move back to, this is the symptom of a vulnerable nervous system, a sensitized stress response system, overactive Watchdog brain, overactive Possum brain. All people, all people have parts of their bodies that need extra support. You have a child whose nervous system needs extra support.    

Robyn: So let's kind of move into wrapping up the episode today with these final two pieces, which is, does your child believe you get how hard this is for them, and has there been space in your family for the grief around having a child in the family that has a sensitized stress response system, right? It is so crucial that your child believes that you get how hard this is for them. This doesn't mean that we're wallowing in it. This doesn't mean that you're throwing your special needs child under the bus. This is just about talking about honest reality, dysregulated families need to validate each other's reality, that this is hard, that it's hard to be in a family with this level of dysregulation, that it's hard to be in a family that has so much sensitivity with regards to stressors, that it limits what we can do and where we can go, al of the pieces of it are really, really hard and we can talk about it honestly. We're not talking bad about your child with a disability by talking about it like this. We're just talking about reality, right?    

Robyn: So finding ways to really validate your child, validation is about connecting to the Owl brain. Validation is about growing the Owl brain, validation is about connecting nervous systems. Validation is co-regulation, right? And so all of these things will grow your Owl brain, and as the other children in your home, as their Owl brain grows and as they spend more time in connection mode, they will feel mad at how their life has been impacted by this child with a behavioral special need, but being mad and feeling like something is unfair, and having resentment about it, are not the same thing. We can be mad and still spend a lot of time in connection mode, and so often y'all, what's underneath so much of what's keeping us stuck in protection mode is unprocessed grief, right? Your children who have a sibling with a behavioral special need, they're experiencing what I would call righteous grief. It's valid. It makes sense.    And sometimes we try to minimize what's happening. We try to minimize our other children's special needs. We try to continue to insist that we are just a normal family with normal needs, right? And I'm using normal with air quotes, okay, normal family with normal needs, or whatever even that means, right? And there's a time and a place to again, just be with reality, that this is crummy, that it actually is unfair, that having your whole life revolve around somebody else's special need is really crummy, and there is righteous grief to be had for that. And y'all there is righteous grief for you, right? That your children are growing up with the story of being the sibling of a child with a nervous system disability, with behavioral symptoms, right? This is your other kid's story, and it's crummy, and it's not the story you wanted for them, and there are aspects of it that are not fair, and there are aspects of their life that will be impacted in ways that are crummy and that you can't do anything about, right? And so acknowledging this, first for yourself, and then creating space for your kids to acknowledge it, right? The siblings, right? The siblings of your child with special needs, and risking the fear that if you talk about the grief it'll grow, or if you talk about the grief, will create this space of pity and wallowing, right? Or if we talk about the grief, you know, we're being really unfair to the child with the special need.1 I get all those fears and we have to be brave enough to touch into the grief anyway.    

Robyn: It is acknowledging reality. It is acknowledging what's real. It is acknowledging our own true experience. And grief is one of them. That will allow all of us, you and your children, to have the opportunity at least to move back into connection mode, at least part of the time.    

Robyn: So obviously, there are some aspects of this episode that I could have explored much more in depth, like, how do we talk with our kids about Owls, Watchdogs, and Possums, and about their sibling having a vulnerable nervous system? And how do we do this in a way that's honest and respectful, right? How do we help the siblings understand that this is their story. How do we help them be with righteous grief, right? How do we be with our own? Lots of these could be in a full half-hour episode themselves. So that's what we're going to do. Over the course of the next month, I'll be releasing a podcast diving deeper into some of these topics about siblings, depending on when you're listening to this podcast, if you would love to come join us in the club. We would love, love, love to have you. The club opens for new members in enrollment periods. If you're listening to this episode, the day that it comes out or the week it comes out, you might be catching us in an enrollment period. We are going to open July 9th through 12th, 2024 if you're listening to this episode outside July 9th through 12th, 2024, we may or may not be open for enrollment at this moment, just go check out robyngobbel.com/theclub, and we are going to have in our video library a masterclass about supporting siblings, and a putting it into practice session about supporting siblings. And then lots and lots and lots of forum discussion. We have a siblings hashtag, right? Lots and lots and lots of discussion about how to support the siblings of kids with behavior special needs, and yes, that includes support their safety.   

Robyn: Like, what do we actually do when we have a kid who's dysregulated and we also have a kid to protect, right? And I'm gonna do an episode about that on the podcast. And then again, those of you in the club will be exploring that so much more in depth, also in the club, in the forum. So all right, if you haven't been to my website lately, I encourage you to go check it out and see what's new over there. Robyngobbel.com I have a pretty robust free resources page, and we're adding a new free downloadable infographic something at least once a month right now, sometimes twice a month. My free resource section is regularly growing, so please go check out that page and see if anything there would be helpful to you or any of the other adults in your life who are supporting your child. There's PDFs, there's ebooks, there's free webinars. If you go to robyngobbel.com/podcast you can use the search bar for whatever topic you're hoping to find of on the podcast, and that'll populate and tell you what episodes you might listen to that could tackle that topic that you're looking for. So go check out robyngobbel.com see all the resources that are available to you, and I will be back with you again here next week on the Baffling Behavior Show!