What Does Vulnerable Nervous System Mean? {EP 122}

So how do you know if you're parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system? Well, if you're listening to this podcast, then you probably are. I mean, does the concept of quote unquote, baffling behaviors make sense to you? Like, without any explanation? Then yeah, you're probably parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system. So if we look at Dr. Bruce Perry's theory of state dependent functioning, which has huge implications in the work that I do, and my model of the owl, the watchdog and the possum. If we look back to his theory of state dependent functioning, and specifically look at his stress reactivity curve, which if you have his book, What Happened To You, you can see on page 79, the stress reactivity curve. Dr. Perry describes how different amounts of stress elicit a different stress response. So in what he describes as a quote unquote, neurotypical stress response, there is a linear relationship between the amount of stress and the shift in the internal state. So what that means is that the stress response seems like it makes sense. Your child is disappointed when they lose a game, because, frankly, it's disappointing to lose a game. And it's kind of ridiculous to say that, no matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game. No, it feels bad to lose, right? So it makes sense that kids get disappointed and even mildly dysregulated. And it makes sense that your kid is grumpy when they can have the snack that they want or that it's time to turn off the TV. It makes sense. But in folks with vulnerable nervous systems, the shift in internal state seems to be much bigger than anticipated given the amount of stress. And generally speaking, right, the shift in internal state is somehow reflected through their external behavior. That's why we're constantly talking about our x-ray vision goggles, right? That behavior is simply what we see on the outside, that tells us what might be happening on the inside. So folks with vulnerable nervous systems have a stress response system that is more sensitized. Small stressors evoke really big responses. They may have a harder time receiving co-regulation or offerings of connection or felt safety. Maybe it's harder to, kind of, settle back into or return to baseline, it kind of takes them a little longer to settle back into whatever their baseline is of, like, feeling okay, safe and connected in their body, in their nervous system. These might be kids or, frankly adults, who need more scaffolding or more supportive boundaries than their same age peers. Then yeah, y'all, everything I've just said doesn't just apply to kids. It applies to grownups. I know so many of you write to me and say, gosh, I started listening for my kid. But actually, I realized that this is helping me with me. This is helpenin- helping me understand me and my behavior, or it's helping me understand my spouse's behavior, or my partner's behavior, or my own parents’ behavior. I know we talk so much about parenting, but we're really just talking about being human. It's- I mean it kind of, you know, like, comes up in somewhat unique ways, when we're talking about the parent/ child relationship. But yeah, we really just talk about being human on this podcast. I know a lot of adults with very, very vulnerable nervous systems. And that doesn't make them, and that doesn't make our kids bad, or wrong, or manipulative or controlling, though, without question. It's not uncommon for folks with vulnerable nervous systems to have manipulative and controlling behavior as an attempt to bring some regulation, and safety, and predictability to their own nervous system. 

So what kinds of things might lead to some vulnerability in the nervous system? Well, definitely just temperament. Like our own unique humaneness is going to ebb and flow and be different, like person to person. Some of us have bigger internal shifts in response to stressors. Again, that doesn't make any of us good or bad, or right or wrong, it just makes us all different. So temperament, just being human, and being a different human can contribute to vulnerability in the nervous system. But what else? Obviously, I talk a lot about the impact of trauma and toxic stress. Right? But different neuro types can contribute to vulnerability in the nervous system. Sensory differences, the way each of us uniquely processes the sensory data that's coming in from the outer world like from the environment, but also the sensory data that is coming in from our inner world like our proprioceptive sense, and our vestibular sense, and our interoception. Right? Giftedness can absolutely contribute to vulnerability in the nervous system I have worked with so many kids where their giftedness and their traits of being gifted were contributing to the vulnerability in their nervous system. Different, again, different neuro types like ADHD or the autistic neuro type can contribute to having some nervous system vulnerability. And again, be- to be clear, this isn't good or bad. It just is. Okay? Medical trauma, early medical interventions can contribute to vulnerability in the nervous system. Adoption, attachment loss, even at birth absolutely contributes to nervous system vulnerability. Having a caregiver with a vulnerable nervous system or some insecurity in their own attachment state of mind can contribute to the development of a vulnerable nervous system in the developing child. And that's not criticism of the parent. Parents with vulnerable nervous systems and insecure attachment, I'm not criticizing them, right? That- that in every unfolding moment, we are all doing the very, very best that we can. And that includes parents with vulnerable nervous systems and parents with their own histories of insecure attachment. You can check out my Brilliance of Attachment ebook, to read all about this reframe on attachment and how we see our attachment adaptations as wonderfully brilliant and protective. And, yes, of course, not without some costs. So you can scroll back in the podcast to find a six part attachment series, or you can just go to RobynGobbel.com/ebook. And you can get the free ebook that I created out of that six part attachment series. 

Okay, so we're talking about what kinds of things contribute to nervous system vulnerability. Okay. So neuro immune disorders, and y'all know, if you've been listening to the podcast for a while that that's a contributor in my family. That my husband has chronic Lyme disease, and that combined with some other things have absolutely contributed to our nervous system vulnerability. If you go back to, I think it was October of 2022, I did a three part series on neuroimmune disorders. So if you're unfamiliar with neuroimmune disorders, and what they are, it's a series worth checking out. Because I actually think a lot of kids with vulnerable nervous systems probably have an undiagnosed neuroimmune disorder. And the more we can increase awareness of what neuroimmune disorders are, what the symptoms are of neuroimmune disorders, and what kinds of things warrant an assessment, I think the better we are on, you know, really seeing our kids for who they really are. So neuroimmune disorders include things like PANS, and PANDAS and neuro immune disorders can be caused by a Lyme infection, by toxic mold exposure, by Epstein-Barr. There's a lot of things that can contribute to what we would then ultimately, kind of, classify as a neuroimmune disorder, which contributes significantly to vulnerability in the nervous system. 

Social circumstances like racism, ableism, sexism, all of these things, contribute to nervous system vulnerability. Being unseen, and mis- chronically misattuned to. Not occasionally. We actually know that there's a lot of misattunement that occurs in even the most attuned relationships and that's normal and healthy. And we don't need to panic or freak out about that, we just need to learn about rupture repair, right? And I have a whole- I have a lot of episodes about that. But one RobynGobbel.com/RuptureRepair talks, of course, very specifically about that. So we don't need to panic about the circumstances in our relationship with our child where we know we've contributed to them feeling unseen, or misattuned to. I'm talking about chronicity in being unseen. The chronicity of being misattuned to, which happen and all of the experiences that I listed off, right? Like having a neuro diverse brain and nervous system contributes to chronic misattunement. From people who are doing their very best but are simply missing cues, right? Sensory differences contributes to chronic mis attunement with each other and with the environment. And oftentimes with ourselves as well, due to the chronic misattunement that we received from others. Right? So any of the things that I lifted- listed off racism, ableism, sexism, all of these things are about a chronicity and being un- unseen. A chronicity of being misattuned to, which then leads to a lack of felt safety. And then to have a nervous system that's experiencing a chronic lack of felt safety is going to contribute to vulnerability in the nervous system. Right? Now, to be clear, there is nothing bad or wrong about having a nervous system that's not neurotypical. But to live in a world designed for the neurotypical nervous system can cause the experience of trauma or toxic stress for folks who live in a body or live in a nervous system that we would consider to be neurodiverse. So this is why my dear friend, Marti Smith, says, all people have vulnerable nervous systems. And y'all to be clear when I say that I am not minimizing the experiences of folks who have experienced significant trauma, toxic stress, racism, any of the things that are on my list. I feel like it's possible for us to do both. For us to honor the vulnerability of what it is to be human, while also honoring the truth, that many humans experience things they absolutely never, ever should, that contributes to a significant vulnerability in their nervous system. Dr. Perry teaches us that the experiences in the first two months of life are actually the ones that matter most when thinking about vulnerability in the nervous system. I mean, so often, we minimize those earliest experiences in the world, right? They won't matter, that just happened when they were such a tiny baby. But actually, what we know is those experiences matter the most and including in utero experiences. So without question, some of us have more sensitivity, and vulnerability just inherent in our own precious uniqueness. It's not good or bad. It just is. 

You may be here in this podcast, because your child does have a history of trauma or toxic stress. Their earliest experiences included prolonged exposure to stress. And that created a pattern of stress sensitivity. Their nervous system now is just really vulnerable. Teeny, tiny stressors evoke big, big responses, and then the repetition of that creates these baffling behaviors. 

Some of you are here listening to this podcast, for reasons you might not be able to identify at all, you just know that things are a lot harder for your child, and therefore they're a lot harder for you. Now, y'all, in the moment of dysregulation, it really doesn't matter why your child has a vulnerable nervous system. It just matters that they need help. They need you to see their stress response, their watchdog or possum reaction, and then to respond to exactly where they are on the watchdog or possum pathway. And again, in that moment, it doesn't really matter why. Like, it doesn't matter if their stress response was due to, you know, their history of trauma, or due to the fact that they're just really tired or due to, you know, their neuroimmune disorder. Now, of course, in the bigger picture, it can matter very much why your child has a vulnerable nervous system. I mean, if they have a neuro immune disorder, they need assessment and treatment for that. And if they have a sensitive sensory system, they need support and accommodations. If they have ADHD, they need accommodations. If they have a history of trauma, they need trauma treatment. If they have an allergy, they need that identified and then they need those, you know, triggers avoided. So it's not that the why doesn't matter. It's just that in the middle of an attack watchdog moment, it really doesn't matter what the why is. All that matters, in that moment, is bringing safety, and connection, and co-regulation to their nervous system and to yours. 

So let's sum this up really briefly, what is a vulnerable nervous system? A vulnerable nervous system has a bigger shift in an internal state in response to the stressor than we would anticipate or expect. Again, that's not criticism. It's just true. A vulnerable nervous system has a bigger shift and their internal state. And the entire premise of this podcast is that behavior is just what we see on the outside that gives us some cues and clues to what might be happening on the inside in their internal state. Kids with vulnerable nervous systems have these big, baffling behaviors because we're confused. We're seeing objectively, the stressor and feeling confused, like, why did this problem evoke this behavior? Well, nervous system vulnerability. That's why. So we're here to learn and understand more about nervous system vulnerability. What creates nervous system vulnerability, what contributes to nervous system vulnerability, what are the things that we can do to support our child's internal world, their external environment? And how can we strengthen our relationship with them? How can we see below their behavior, really use our x-ray vision goggles to look past behavior, that other people would just label bad, and stay curious about their behavior, so that we can offer them the support that they need, not only in that moment, but also supports in ways that might help to strengthen their stress response system. Not all of us have kids who need quote, unquote, treatment, some of us have kids that need just more compassion, more understanding. They need for the grownups in their world to see their needs as worthy of being met. They don't need treatment, they don't need to be changed. Some of us have kids who would benefit from an intervention that can help their nervous system feel more settled and potentially more resilient. That's going to be different for each of you listening. 

So if you've been hearing me say, vulnerable nervous systems and big, baffling behaviors, which is something I've been saying for many, many months now, and maybe even years. If you've been hearing me say that, and you've ever felt a little confused, like, what does she mean by vulnerable nervous system? I'm hoping that this episode helps to articulate, one, what I do mean by that, but, two, also that, it really is about whatever you mean by that, or whatever your kid does. And I want to emphasize just one last time: vulnerable doesn't mean bad or wrong. It isn't better to have what Dr. Perry calls a neurotypical or more resilient nervous system. It might contribute to an easier time in the world. And it might contribute to better physical and mental health to try to decrease some of the vulnerability in the nervous system. That can be true. Like, it can be true that there are some costs associated with having a vulnerability- vulnerable nervous system that make it harder to be in the world. While also being true that it's not bad. It's kind of like my series on the brilliance of attachment. There are some costs to insecure patterns of attachment. But there- it's not bad or wrong. And it's not better to be in a more secure state of mind with regards to attachment. So it's a similar idea here, there are costs. But it's not bad or wrong. 

As always, y'all, thank you so much for tuning in. Thank you for what you do for kids and families, whether that be your child and family or somebody else's child and family. Thank you for wanting to work so hard to see them. It matters. It matters so, so, so much. If you know other folks who would really benefit from growing their x-ray vision goggles and seeing kids and grownups through this lens of the nervous system, I'd love for you to tell them about the Parenting After Trauma podcast. One of the best ways that you can help the podcast be discovered by the families who need it the most is to leave a quick rating and review. That really helps the algorithms suggest the podcast to other folks who might really, really be needing it. So if you have a second, right in your podcast app, you can just hit leave a really quick rating and review. I'm so grateful for that and the families who discover the podcast because you were rating and review they are so grateful for that. Alright y'all, thank you, thank you, thank you. I will see you back here next week!