When Parenting Advice Hurts {BONUS}
A short note from Robyn…
How many parenting experts do you follow on social media?
How tall is your stack of parenting books?
Blogs? Podcasts?
Sheesh, even the next door neighbor and the checkout person at the grocery store seem happy to give parenting advice.
Wouldn’t it be awesome if your child’s vulnerable nervous system was healed by an Instragram reel?
There’s some pretty amazing, grounded, authentic voices out there giving some pretty amazing, grounded, and authentic thoughts and ideas about raising kids.
I’m grateful to them- they aren’t doing anything wrong.
But I know it’s also just one more place you feel very unseen.
Or worse- even some shame.
“If this person has 1 million followers on Instagram and a popular podcast it must mean their advice works, right?
Why does it work for everyone- except me?”
Parenting can be an experience that unites us- but it is also an experience that causes more isolation.
Oh and I suppose I should mention that I’m not convinced that vulnerable nervous systems need healed. Maybe what they need is to live in a world that supports their needs? Maybe if that happened, their vulnerable nervous system wouldn’t lead to dangerous behaviors? I don’t know…
The worst part of all of this is that the families in the most desperate need of a quick solution that is memeable or reel-able are the families who aren’t helped by memeable or reel-able solutions.
It’s not that those ideas are bad- they just aren’t enough.
I know you do not have time to learn the complex neuroscience of behavior so you can figure out what on earth is going on with your kid (and yourself) because you are constantly putting out fires and cleaning up messes and recovering from the exhaustion of being yelled at by your kid as well as continually let down by all the services and professionals who are supposed to help you but aren’t.
I also know you didn’t become a parent so you could learn about the amazing science of behavior. I mean- I think it’s amazing because it’s my job. But yeah- it wasn’t your plan.
I recently said to my therapist “This is not the way my life was supposed to unfold.” She smiled and said “You and everyone else.”
To be fair, me and her have been together for a loooooong time and our relationship is at a place where I didn’t feel minimized. I had a moment of relief actually. Of being connected to- well- everyone.
This isn’t the way life was supposed to unfold.
I want you to have the space to grieve that, to revolt against, to shake your fist at the sky and stomp your feet. Like I do.
Then I want you to have the space to take a breath.
To welcome and comfort your tantrumming-self because it’s not fair.
And then maybe it will feel OK to take a breath, attune to yourself that indeed it’s not fair and it isn’t what you planned. But here we are.
Together.
And you aren’t alone in that. There are more families of kids with vulnerable nervous systems around the globe than I could even begin to county.
More families of kids who have survived horrifying trauma.
More parents who have survived trauma themselves who are just trying to not pass it on…or at least pass it on less.
My podcast just passed 300,000 listens.
THAT’S A LOT OF PEOPLE.
I’m devastated at how many people need my help. But also- you aren’t alone.
OK OK, this email got rambley which tends to happen when I just sit down to write without a clear goal. My only goal when I opened up my browser was “I haven’t sent an email in a while. I miss them. I want to connect.”
And then this all just dumped out.
I’m been making a few reels here and there in Instagram which I totally know is ironic since I just said reel-able ideas are often leaving you feeling alone but I’m trying to make reels that help you feel the opposite. Sometimes I succeed sometimes I fail. If you wanna join me on the success/failure rupture/repair journey, come hang with me on Instagram.
Robyn
- All Behavior Makes Sense {EP 198} - October 8, 2024
- How Can the Club Help Me? {EP 197} - October 4, 2024
- Whiplash! When a Meltdown Comes Outta Nowhere {EP 196} - October 1, 2024
Robyn:
I know you talk a lot about the complex experiences of being and feeling safe; seen; supported and soothed.