Parents Need Co-Regulation, Too! {EP 24}


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When I’m falling (crashing!) outside my window of stress tolerance, I need help.

For years and years, my therapist offered me the co-regulation I needed.  And needed it, I did.  If it had been socially appropriate (or uh, legal), I would have lived in my therapist’s waiting room.  For years. 

I used to be embarrassed to admit that.

It felt so needy.  Small.  Embarrassing. 

What’s embarrassing about being human?

We all need co-regulation.

Me.  You.

When our kids are getting dysregulated quickly, flipping their lids a lot, or having mountain reactions out of mole-hill sized problems, what they need is more connection and co-regulation.

Do you know any adults right now getting dysregulated quickly?  Flipping their lids…a lot?  Having mountain reactions out of mole-hill sized problems???

I’m asking for a friend 😉

Adult brains and kid brains are different for sure, but in this way, we are the same.  Lots of lid flipping and mountains out of mole hills simply means there’s a brain that needs more help.  More support. More connection. More co-regulation. 

When two nervous systems come together in the space between, their windows of stress tolerance dance together.  A more regulated nervous system can lend their regulation to the other.  Isn’t that lovely?

Sometimes it’s a very active process.

It might sound like “Can I get you something to drink?” “How can I help?” “Do you want to go for a walk?”

It might sound like “Wow.  That’s super hard.” “Of course you feel that way.” “That makes so much sense to me.” “I think what I’m hearing you say is this…am I getting that right?”

It might sound like a breath.  It might feel like a touch of the hand.  It might look like eyes that are reflecting back your pain.

Sometimes it’s a more passive process.

It’s the energy in the air that exists between you and your friend, partner, neighbor, therapist.  It’s energy that exists when you are together and eventually becomes energy you can access when you aren’t physically together.

If you are parenting a child with a history trauma, a child with any brain-based difference, a child with a fragile mental health, a child with baffling and confusing behaviors, a child who seems to feel hurt by connection, a child with a special need…

You need connection and co-regulation.

You deserve connection and co-regulation.

You deserve to be seen and held and known.

You deserve to offer that same “I see you” to someone else who is struggling- but the giving is sometimes just as needed and powerful as the receiving. 

Something fascinating started to happen last summer. 

I started to get emails and social media comments and messages that were basically people telling me I was offering them co-regulation.

Strangers.  People I never met.  That’s the only way we knew each other.

They were telling me they were hearing my voice in their head when things were hard.

A soothing voice.  A compassionate voice.  A voice that helped them stay grounded even just a second or two longer.  Sometimes that second or two makes all the difference in the world, right?

I was thrilled. 

The kinda thrilled that has a weird giggle that seems to come out of nowhere. 

These emails were like rocket fuel.  They filled a tank that I’m not even sure I knew I had let alone knew it was starting to get close to empty. 

We started an official dance of serve and return.  An official dance of co-regulation.  Me and you. 

I couldn’t believe yet I also knew in my bones that of course we could do this.

We are doing this. 

It is soul-filling for me.  I needed the return more than I knew I needed it.  The loneliness of the pandemic.  A complete pivot in my business.  Some of the most difficult six months in my personal life that were leaving me feeling extremely alone and sometimes even hopeless. 

You sent a return to me.

So I kept serving. 

On my blog.  On my podcast!!!  And in The Club.

Then something extra cool started to happen.  I started to see- how did I miss it before???- that y’all are giving this to each other, too.

Sometimes it’s just energetic as there are alllll these people alllllllll over the world who are reading the blog or listening to the same podcast episode.

Sometimes you are engaging with each other on Facebook and Instagram.  Sometimes just your comment gets seen by someone else and it literally changes their whole day.  Maybe more.

And we are deliberately and intentionally doing this in The Club, which has become my greatest joy; my greatest soul-filler. 

It’s changing me, and it’s changing YOU.  It’s the connection and co-regulation you have longed for, and maybe didn’t even know it. 

Connection and co-regulation is what we believe changes our kids brains, so why wouldn’t we believe it changes our brains too? 

And why wouldn’t we prioritize it over just about anything?????

In this moment as I write this blog, I imagine my energy going out to you.

I imagine you reading it.

I imagine that energy coming back to me.

I imagine that you hear my voice in your head.  As you read this blog, you begin to internalize me.

Your brain is changing.  My brain is changing. 

I am in awe of this…it’s truly beyond words.

So let’s just feel.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Undoing Aloneness {EP 22}


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There’s a moment of energetic meeting between two people that is the sweetest most human experience possible.

In that moment, there’s a breath of

I exist. 

You exist. 

You are with me. 

I am not alone.

In that moment, there’s an intertwining of energies as the silent dance of co-regulation begins.  

These moments are not a luxury.  These moments are a necessity.

Parents of kids with a history of relational and complex trauma are some of the loneliest people I’ve ever known.

The well of aloneness is deep when you are parenting a child who’s own history in relationships means they are terrified of that sweet moment of energetic meeting.

These deeply wounded precious sweet children crave this moment with their entire being in a way that would overwhelm them if they acknowledged it. 

These deeply wounded precious sweet children match the intensity of that craving with an intensity of complete rejection.

Rejection of themselves and rejection of those who try to meet them in a space of connection.

Humans exist whether someone acknowledges that existence or not.

But we only KNOW we exist because someone acknowledges our existence. 

Because someone meets us in that space of connection. 

Someone brings their existence and touches ours.  

When children experience deep pain in their earliest relationship- pain of being hurt, pain of being ignored and unseen,

pain of being present with adults who were so dysregulated they weren’t energetically present for their child-

they do not have the necessary experience of having their existence acknowledged. 

So even though they do indeed exist, they hardly have any moments of experiencing that they exist.  It makes existence slippery. 

The possibility of not existing is felt and real and utterly annihilatingly terrifying.  

When you aren’t sure you exist, you desperately crave confirmation that you do

while also desperately doing everything possible to avoid confirmation that you do.

Parenting, loving, and attempting to create moments of connection with this deeply wounded precious sweet child is a profoundly lonely journey. And then….absolutely no one gets it.

It’s an experience that unless you have direct experience with, unless you can hold the felt sense of it in your own heart and mind and body, it’s impossible to truly understand.

The loneliness in parenting becomes compounded when the loneliness isn’t seen. The loneliness is traumatic.

It leaves an imprint on our spirits that wreaks havoc on our health (physical and mental) and our relationships (with others, and with ourselves).  

I’m writing this for the parents who are longing to feel seen.  

I see you.

I’m writing this for the professionals who

have the great privilege and honor of meeting with these parents.  

They need you to see them.  

In fact, it’s really the only thing they need from you.

They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that you have no idea how to help them.  They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that bringing healing to children who have experienced relational trauma is a loooooooong road without many moments that confirm you are the right road.  They need you to feel comfortable with the enormity of the intensity of both them and their child.  

Being uncertain of your own existence in the world is overwhelming.  When it comes into your office, you could become swallowed by the overwhelm or you could welcome the overwhelm, hold it, be with it, see it. 

Undoing aloneness is your number one goal.

Undoing aloneness in families where it’s possible that the chaos and overwhelm won’t ever change might be your only goal.

It’s profoundly healing to not be alone.

It’s profoundly healing to have someone meet you there and say

“I am not afraid.  I will be with you here.

  I will confront my own feelings of helplessness

and be with you right here.  I will not go.”

Parents of kids with relational trauma are desperate for things to change.  They also have a terror and a knowing that it’s possible things won’t.  Yes, they want us- the therapists and professionals- to help things change.  But yes, they also do know that it’s maybe not possible and what they really want is to feel seen. Known. Not alone.

They want to be met in that energetic space of meeting.

It isn’t a luxury.  It’s a necessity.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Why Do I Get So Dysregulated? {EP 20}


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Or mad? Or scared? Or overwhelmed? Or shut-down?

Why do I make a mountain out of a mole hill?  Why can’t I keep it together?  

Being ignored (or yelled at or cussed at or disrespected or refusing to eat or do a chore or or or or the list is endless) is never going to feel good.  But- have you ever wondered why your brain goes into full on attacking watch dog mode when the reality is- refusing to do a chore, go to school, or even being ignored or yelled at, isn’t life threatening?

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

If it isn’t life threatening, why does our brain go to attack mode?

A mode that really we only need in life threatening circumstances?

We’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the arousal continuum with regard to our kids – but as my friend Eileen Devine says, the brain is the brain is the brain.  And you have one, too 😉

Why does our brain go to attack mode- a mode that is intended to help us survive a life threatening circumstance- if we aren’t in a life threatening situation (and as much as it feels like it’s life threatening, a kid who is refusing to go to school or even yelling and cussing at us isn’t life threatening).

Narrow window of stress tolerance

For all sorts of reasons, many of us are walking around the world with a narrow window of stress tolerance.  Pandemic.  Economic uncertainty.  Virtual school.

Parenting kids with a history of trauma is stressful and overwhelming in the best of circumstances but now some (many?) families are cooped up, have lost their respire, can’t access the limited services they accessed before.  And kids are stressed, isolated, overwhelmed.  Their felt-safety has been shook to the core.  For many kids, this means their trauma-related dysregulation and challenging behaviors are at an all-time high.

There’s only so much we can take. 

Chronic stress and overwhelm- even when it’s not life-threatening- causes our window of stress tolerance to get smaller…and smaller….and smaller…….

When our window of stress tolerance is nice and wide….we can tolerate stress without freaking out.  We have a feeling that matches the stress.  Frustration.  Annoyance. 

To be clear….I’m not implying that when our window of tolerance is wide open we just bop through life like Pollyanna, never being frustrated or irritated.

When our window of stress tolerance is nice and wide, we can handle frustration, annoyance, irritation, nervousness, sadness…without completely losing it.  We can stay connected to the emotion and then use the emotion to help us know what to do next.

Frustration and annoyance might suggest you need to set a boundary.  But when our window of tolerance is nice and wide, we can set the boundary without screaming, yelling, threatening, or becoming overwhelmed.

We are all walking around with small windows of tolerances. 

And mole hills become mountains and teeny tiny little stressors feel like we are being chased by sabre tooth tigers.

Of course now you’re curious about how to increase your window of stress tolerance! 

You can read about playfulness and self-compassion– both which absolutely increase our ability to tolerate stress.

You can also check out The Club – a virtual group of education, connection, and co-regulation.  I teach some pretty cool things in the group but my focus is actually on facilitating and offering connection and co-regulation (because that changes the brain more than education does!!!).

Implicit Memory Awakenings

There’s another reason, too, that to the best of my experience, impacts every human on the planet.

Early early life experiences shape the way we perceive the world and our expectations about how things are going to go.  We adapt to painful experiences in brilliant ways that help us meet our needs the best way we know how and protect us from overwhelming, and often not co-regulated, pain.

Maybe when we were verrrrrry small, our own cries and needs went unanswered.  A lot.  When we are small, having our needs ignored a lot is indeed life threatening.  Our brain experiences the lack of response as something that is very very dangerous.

When we are 40, and our children ignore us, we aren’t in a life threatening situation.  But we have a very intricate and brilliant protective system that is always on alert and trapped in the past- so it can experience being ignored as life threatening and cause a “I’m in life threatening danger!!!!” response.

Maybe when we were verrrrrrry small, ignoring our parents was verrrrrrry dangerous.  We learned that if we didn’t immediately respond, and respond in a way that satisfied them (who knew what that was, but we sure tried!!!) we would get hurt- physically or emotionally.

Now we are 50, and when our children ignore us our own verrrrrrrry wise and still on alert and stuck in the past protective system actually is trying to protect our children by having an enormous reaction that gets a response from them.  It’s not safe to ignore!  I don’t want my child to be unsafe!  When they ignore me, I’m terrified for their safety and will spring in to action so they cannot possibly ignore me!!! (I understand this doesn’t make a lot of sense, practically speaking.  But it makes PERFECT sense to our implicit memories, and sometimes, they take charge).

Obviously, we aren’t consciously thinking these things through.

You see, behaviors are mostly part of our implicit (unconscious) world, too.  We like to think we have a lot of control over our behaviors- and sometimes we do and we can work to have more control- but a lot of behavior is actually implicit and behavioral impulses are triggered in the brain waaaaaaay faster than our conscious explicit mind could stop or pause them.

Consider a behavior your child has that awakens something really intense in you.

Maybe you have a child that is shut-down and seems lazy (I don’t believe in lazy but that’s another blog!!).  Maybe when you were small achievement is how you were safe. Or created your identity.  Or got seen by others.  Not being seen or not having an identity can feel annihilating- life threatening.

Maybe your child gets really rude and sassy and down right disrespectful.  I agree with you that it’s important to speak to each other with respect- so I’m not saying having a reaction to this isn’t warranted- but when we react with intensity, anger, or our own shut-down or ignoring behaviors, we aren’t able to help the real problem- supporting our kids in expressing their needs and feelings in a prosocial way!

Our reaction to their disrespect touches into our past when we learned to tow the line and never express any negative feelings, so that we kept the peace as much as possible.  Or we were treated with such extreme disrespect, but couldn’t have a strong boundary to keep it from happening again, so our bodies and implicit selves now want to react with all the power that we couldn’t when we were small.

Remember.  No behavior is maladaptive.

All behavior makes sense.  This is true of our children, and this is true of US.

You can explore the science behind our implicit awakenings (the stream of the past) in the blog post No Behavior is Maladaptive.

You can dive even further into the impact of memory on behaviors in the blog post Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors, as well as the FREE three-part video series (and short e-book) on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors. 

Both resources are written with our children in mind, but see if you can read and watch the videos while thinking of yourself- yourself as a child, and yourself now.

This might help your behaviors make more sense.

And when behaviors make sense, we can have more compassion.

And we have more compassion, we create the opportunity for integration in our brain- so that the stream of the past and the present come together equally and we respond in a way that matches the present situation- not in a way that matches our past.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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