How the Brainstem Heals {EP 49}


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The brainstem is developed, soothed, and repaired through experiences that are rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory

Bruce Perry, MD, PhD

This is part 3 of the Strengthening the Foundation of the Brain series.  I kicked off the series two weeks ago with a blog and podcast on the importance of taking a Neurodevelopmental Approach with kids who have experienced early trauma, toxic stress, or other experiences that have impacted the development of the foundation of the brain.

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Last week, I had the great pleasure of interview Melissa Corkum about The Safe and Sound procotol– a listening intervention that has been carefully created to offer the brain auditory experiences that can organize and in a way, reset, the autonomic nervous system (brainstem).

Strengthening the Foundation of the Brain

When we lived in Texas, we had to water the foundation of our house.

Like a garden.

I thought this was pretty weird but apparently this is one of the ways you keep the foundation of your house nice and strong.

When the foundation gets weak, the house starts to crack. At the ceiling!  A weak foundation impacts the very top of the house.

A weak, underdeveloped, and poorly organized brainstem- the foundation of the brain- impacts the top of the brain: the cortex.

Guess what the cortex does?

The cortex allows for cause and effect thinking- thinking about consequences and taking that into consideration before doing something.

The cortex helps us understand what another person is experiencing (this contributes to empathy).

The cortex stores all our coping skills.  Things like “I’m starting to get stressed- I should take a break and go for a walk!”

The cortex helps us find our words.  Things like “I’m feeling angry!”

The cortex helps our brain slow down enough that there is a pause before we react- a moment where we can identify what’s happening and think about what the most appropriate thing is to do.

When the foundation of the brain is shaky, a little amount of stress can metaphorically collapse the brain.  The cortex goes off line, the lid is flipped, and there is no thinking, only doing.

Teaching our kids coping skills is very important- but remembering that they can only use them if their foundation is strong enough to not collapse under stress is also important.

What does the brainstem do?

The brainstem is the lowest, most inside region of the brain.  It sits at the base of the brain and connects the skull brain to the spinal cord.  The brainstem is the first part of the brain to really wire up, flourishing with neural connections.  The brainstem is organizing and developing in utero and is working pretty effectively in healthy, full term infants.

The brainstem is responsible for all the things our brain and body does automatically- in fact, it’s called the autonomic nervous system.

Heart rate, respiration, and most importantly in this Strengthening the Foundation fo the Brain series- the regulation of energy and arousal in the nervous system.

It can be easy to overlook the relationship between energy, arousal, and behavior because we’ve been taught to believe the behavior is largely deliberate, intentionaly, and something we do with a lot of thinking.

Almost all behavior is implicit.

Meaning, almost all behavior is autonomic.  Most behavior happens without us thinking about it, though without a doubt, we can strengthen our brain to have the ability to slow down and think about more behavior (not all).

A much more effective path toward changing behavior isn’t encouraging kids to think about their behavior more.

It’s to change the energy and arousal in the nervous system that is driving that behavior.

Rhythmic, Repetitive, Relational, and Somatosensory

The brainstem is developed, soothed, and repaired through experiences that are rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory (Bruce Perry, MD, PhD).

The brain develops from the bottom up and the inside out (Perry) and the brainstem is the first part of the brain to fully develop.

It’s the bottom-most and inside-most part of the brain.

This part of the brain is really coming together in utero and shortly after birth…when babies are getting a lot of what?  Rhythmic, repetitive, relational, somatosensory experiences.

Floating in a cushy bed of amniotic fluid while mama walks is HIGHLY rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory.  Every part of baby is having a deep sensory experience while being completely enveloped by amniotic fluid.

And how about the always-present beat of mama’s heart?  The average human heart rate is the perfect tempo for regulation!!!

Rock, Bounce, Up, Down

With tiny babies, we swaddle, we hold, we wrap up…we pick up, put down, rock, bounce.  All I have to do is take hold of a baby doll and I’m almost instantly bobbing up and down.

Watch new parents looking at the dairy wall in the grocery store…staring at a sea of yogurt options, bleary eyed and struggling to even remember what’s on their list….and gently bobbing up and down with a little bend in their knees while holding baby close to their chest.

These instinctual ways of being with a baby are continuing to support the development and regulation of the brainstem.

Kids are rhythmic!

For YEARS children are focused on rhythmic, repetitive, relational, somatosensory experiences.  They run, jump, hop, skip, roll balls back and forth….the DANCE!!!

As more and more of their brain comes on-line and they develop more and more gross motor skills and capacities, they continue to engage in regulating and brain-building activities.  We are designed for this!!

This is truly some of my favorite research when it comes to brain development because we can harness the powers of rhythmic, repetitive, relational, somatosensory activities when helping children who experienced traumatic, stressful, or neglectful early caregiving.  Too much harsh sensory input, or too little sensory input, may have delayed the development of a strong foundation of the brain.

When the foundation is shaky, everything collapses in a moment, with seemingly little stress.

One of the most important things we can do with children who have experienced early complex trauma or toxic stress is PLAY WITH THEM.

Intentionally thinking about the concepts of rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory helps, but if that feels like too much, just play!

Playgrounds!  Balls.  Catch.  Race to the end of the driveway.  Skip everywhere!  Blow cottonballs back and forth.  Dance and drum!!!  Fill up a bin of water beads and hide ‘treasures’ inside.

BUT!!!  Don’t forget about the crucial importance of RELATIONAL!!!  We have to play WITH them.  To organize and regulate the brainstem our kids need experiences engaging in the rhythm of relationship, the back-and-forth serve-and-return that happens when two people come together.

That’s a non-negotiable piece of this equation.

Get them moving!

Kids starting to melt-down and lose their mind??  MOVE THEIR BODY!  Add a yoga ball to homework time.  Keep these ‘Get Moving’ (no affiliate!! I just think they’re cool!) cards nearby and have them draw two every five minutes.

Be sure your child is drinking (something thick is great!!!) or maybe has a crunchy snack or thick bubble gum.

All of these experiences are what???  Rhythmic, repetitive, relational, somatosensory.

Adding in more movement will probably not solve ALL of your problems, but I can almost guarantee it will bring SOME regulation.  And it sure is a lot more fun and easier on your relationship than lectures and consequences.  Especially because these activities are regulating for us too :)  We are more likely to smile, be relaxed, and tolerate stress when WE are engaging in these activities too!!

Which is very, very good for you, your child, and your relationship.

Be creative…have fun…ENJOY!!

Robyn

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The Safe and Sound Protocol {EP 48}


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The Safe & Sound Protocol can help shift the confirmation bias from DANGER to SAFE.

~Melissa Corkum

Listen on the podcast or keep reading!

Melissa Corkum was the obvious guest to invite on the podcast as part of this Building the Foundation Brain Series.  Melissa was adopted as an infant from Korea and is also a adoptive mom.  She is the co-host and co-founder of The Adoption Connection Podcast– which has now evolved into so much more than a podcast.

Melissa has been supporting adoptive families for many years, training in the Empowered to Connect parenting curriculum that is connected to Trust Based Relational Intervention over ten years ago.  She studies neuroscience and parenting in between raising kids- including at times, homeschooling!- and now offers education, hope and healing to other adoptive families.

Melissa could be a guest that talks about so many different topics but I invited her to the podcast this time to talk specifically about how she uses The Safe and Sound Protocol to support kids and families.

The Safe and Sound Protocol

Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges (the theorist behind Polyvagal Theory), The Safe and Sound Protocol–in the simplest terms—resets the neuroception system.  The neuroception system is the system that determines felt-safety based on cues received through relationship, the environment, and our own inner experience.

All of our senses (touch, sight, smell, proprioception, etc.) play a role in helping the neuroception system determine our level of safety.  The Safe and Sound Protocol specifically aims to help our auditory system take in “cues of safety” from sounds.  Melissa explains that Dr. Porges hypothesized that if we could hyper-expose the ears to ‘sounds of safety’ (specifically, the frequency of the human voice) then the nervous system could in a way be ‘reset’ so it could actually take in sounds of safety.

Hope Versus Expectation

Remember from in The Brilliance of Attachment series and eBook when I talked about how we all have a hope for attuned relational experiences as well as an expectation that is based on our previous experiences?

When we expect danger, we see danger.  In the interview, Melissa talks about this as confirmation bias. Our brain filters information through the lens of our previous experiences and then creates an expectation about what is going to happen.  For people who have had a lot of danger or negative experiences, their brain expects danger and negative experiences.  It even assumes danger and negative experiences and then reacts as such, even when none is present.

The Safe and Sound Protocol helps to shift that confirmation bias.  In a way, it offers a reset to the nervous system and allows the neuroception to not only consider the possibility of expecting safety but also to take in safety when it’s available.

If you are parenting for or caring for someone who has a history of trauma, you are familiar with how that person assumes danger and attributes negative intent- even to the point of overlooking and disregarding positive experiences.

This is the brain’s way of attempting to create safety and prevent danger from happening.  It’s so brilliant!  But just like our attachment adaptations, it isn’t without cost.

Through the nervous system shifts that can be achieved through the Safe and Sound Protocol, it becomes more possible that the safe experiences a person has actually be taken in.  This can shift the individual’s overall sense of safety and and create a new confirmation bias where they expect safety instead of expecting danger. 

What actually IS the Safe and Sound Protocol

It’s music!  Music that has been intentionally digitally mastered to offer ‘sounds of safety.’

Doing The Safe and Sound Protocol is listening to music.  That’s it!  Putting on headphones and listening to music.

The Safe and Sound Protocol was originally designed to be one hour of listening to music, five days in a row.  Initially, The Safe and Sound Protocol was developed to support children on the autism spectrum who struggled with auditory sensitivity.  As the uses for The Safe and Sound Protocol expand, so does the implementation of the protocol.

In order to make The Safe and Sound Protocol as accessible as possible to the people who need it most, it isn’t difficult to become trained to administer the Safe and Sound Protocol.  This has many benefits in increasing accessibility, but there are also a few drawbacks.  Potential families and clients may have to spend some extra time and energy to find a practitioner who is trained in and experienced with working with children and families with a history of complex trauma.

Experienced and attuned practitioners can support a family by adjusting the protocol in order to decrease the possibility of adverse reactions.  Melissa really recommends finding a practitioner who can titrate the protocol in a way that honors the nervous system. 

Building the Foundation of the Brain

The Safe and Sound Protocol is working to regulate the autonomic nervous system, which is part of the brainstem- the lowest and earliest developed part of the brain.  The autonomic nervous system creates the foundation of the brain.

Remember in last week’s podcast I talked about the importance of building a house on top of a strong foundation?  That way, the foundation can support the house through stressors.

That’s a pretty decent metaphor for the brain.  The autonomic nervous system – which includes energy, arousal, and is intricately involved in our neuroception system, is physically lower in the brain than the systems responsible for relational processing and cognitive processing.

When the autonomic nervous system is dysregulated or the confirmation bias in the brain is heavily tilted toward DANGER DANGER, it becomes extremely difficult to take in the safety of attuned relationships even when those cues are present.

A Catalyst

I’ve worked with so many families who are offering safe, seen, soothed, and secure experiences to their children in the best way they possibly can.  But because of how the child’s nervous system is expecting to experience danger, it feels difficult or even impossible to make much progress in helping the child experience safety and regulation.

Melissa describes how The Safe and Sound Protocol can feel like a ‘catalyst’ in the nervous system.  It allows the nervous system to potentially shift toward safety sooner than therapy, therapeutic parenting, or other more ‘traditional’ interventions can bring about.  And because of this, it can then allow therapy and therapeutic parenting to create more impactful change.

The Both And

The Safe and Sound Protocol is an intervention that on one hand, relieves the caregiver from feeling as though all of their child’s healing is their responsibility.  It is also true, though, that even the Safe and Sound Protocol brings about change partially through relational safety.

Melissa requires the parents in the families she works with to also experience The Safe and Sound Protocol.  The way The Safe and Sound Protocol helps to regulate and shift the parent’s nervous system can have a positive impact the child’s sense of safety.  The Safe and Sound Protocol is also intended to be administered while the child is, in the very moments of listening, experiencing relational safety.

So yes, the Safe and Sound Protocol is an intervention that doesn’t completely rest on relational experiences, like therapy, while also needing relational safety to be present.

Back to Felt Safety

Here we are again, talking about felt-safety!  Yes, felt-safety really is underneath everything.

Felt-safety isn’t exclusively the parent’s responsibility. As parents, there is so much we can do to offer our children experiences of felt-safety.  At the same time, the child’s nervous system is independent of us, filtering their experiences and deciding if they are safe or not.

Regulation Rescue

Melissa offers a 60 day, all inclusive program, called the Regulation Rescue.  The program teaches caregivers how to offer cues of safety to their children through and involves both parent coaching, support, and The Safe and Sound Protocol.  In the program, Melissa walks families step-by-step through a very specific path toward offering and scaffolding cues of safety.  Melissa also incorporates aroma therapy into her work with families in order to pair a specific smell with the felt-sense of safety.  This tool is based on the theory of a conditioned response- the intentional pairing of two seemingly unrelated things.

Her approach is solidly based in neuroscience and I’m so grateful for innovative practitioners like Melissa who are pushing the boundaries of how we can help families experience and create moments of healing.

Go find Melissa!

The Adoption Connection

The Adoption Connection Podcast

The Adoption Connection Facebook Community

IG: The Adoption Connection

FB: The Adoption Connection

Regulation Rescue

Free eBook on the Brilliance of Attachment

In this podcast interview, Melissa talked about confirmation in a similar way to how I talk about hope vs. expectation in relationship.   You can read more about hope versus expectation, especially with regard to how that’s related to attachment and our history of relational experiences, in my F R E E eBook, The Brilliance of Attachment.

Just let me know below the email address where you’d like me to send it!

Robyn

This blog is a summary of the podcast interview with Melissa Corkum.   You can listen to the podcast directly on my website HERE or search for Parenting after Trauma wherever you listen to podcasts- iTunes, Google Podcast, Stitcher, Spotify, and more!

Are you ready to end the loneliness that comes along with parenting a child with a history of trauma?  Then you’re ready to join The Club– a virtual community of connection, co-regulation, and a little education. The Club will be opening for new members this fall.  Grab a spot on the waiting list HERE.

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A NeuroDevelopmental Approach: Right Intervention, Right Time {EP 47}


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If you’re reading this blog or listening to this podcast, my guess is that this isn’t your first experience with a parenting ‘expert.’

If you read this blog because you’re a therapist, this probably isn’t your first experience learning from a child therapist ‘expert.’

The parents and professionals who come to me, my blog, and my podcast are searching for something new.

Listen on the podcast or keep reading!

Something that Makes Sense & Something That Works.

You may have had a felt sense all along that some of the most mainstream ways we support kids and behaviors just didn’t make sense to you.

Or maybe they did make sense but then they just simply didn’t work.

And one thing led to another and now you’re here, with me!  On my blog, or listening to my podcast.

Like You…

Like many of you, I also was searching for something that made more sense and that honestly just worked better.  I’ve always had the drive to look for relational approaches–to truly understand what is going on underneath behavior–and have been studying attachment since high school.

Also like many of you, I had plenty of experiences of being trained in more behavioral or even just more mainstream approaches to children and behavior.

They Didn’t Work!

My therapy room was destroyed.

I was hurt.  Several times.

Something wasn’t right and I knew it right away.

I suppose it was possible that I just wasn’t a very good therapist– and I probably wasn’t– back in those early days.  But still.  Something wasn’t right.

What I was equipped with– cognitive approaches, child centered play therapy, behavioral interventions and consequences– was clearly not working for the children I was working with.

Or their parents.

They were parents like you- good parents who tried.  If those approaches were going to work, these families wouldn’t have landed in my office.

So I did what I do which is I got a bit obsessive about figuring it out.

The Trampoline that Changed Everything

I got lucky and had an officemate and mentor who kept a trampoline in his office.  And who didn’t have a lot of time to coddle my ego and just straight up let me know I was doing it wrong.

I didn’t know what to do different but jumping on a trampoline seemed more fun than getting bit– so I was intrigued.

This led me to Bruce Perry- where I learned the science to justify the trampoline in my office (and ultimately a yoga ball, pogo stick, balance board, and an aerial hammock and swing).

Then I discovered the boarder field of the relational neurosciences- starting with Interpersonal Neurobiology, Polyvagal theory, Memory Reconsolidation Theory, and Affect Regulation Theory.

This literally changed everything for me.

Interpersonal Neurobiology

Interpersonal Neurobiology isn’t techniques or tools.  It’s not even a clinical theory.  It’s a theory of being human.

It has changed my core fundamental understanding of what it means to be human and therefore has given me a map that I can bring into the office and apply to treatment planning.

More than that– it’s given me a map that I can bring into every aspect of my life.

Behavior is Simply a Clue

Behavior is simply a clue about a person’s autonomic state- felt safety, regulation, and their openness- or seeking- of connection.

The tools, techniques, and clinical theory I was equipped with made assumptions about my client’s state of regulation and brain development based solely on chronological age.

Child-centered play therapy makes the assumption that a five-year-old has the regulation and internalized sense of self that was needed to benefit from symbolic or projective play.

A NeuroDevelopmental Approach

Learning about Interpersonal Neurobiology, and especially Dr. Bruce Perry’s Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics, validated for me was that chronological age is largely irrelevant in the therapy room and that I needed to meet my clients- the kids and the adults- in the correct neurodevelopmental space.

For kids and adults with histories of complex and relational trauma, and for many of my kids with really dysregulated behaviors, I wasn’t meeting them where they were.

I wanted them to have symbolic and metaphor play skills that they simply didn’t have.

Yet.

You may have heard Dr. Perry’s catchy phrase that the order of operations is always regulate, relate, reason.

Regulate first.

When I was a new therapist, I didn’t even know what regulate meant.

I had no idea how the autonomic nervous system was related to therapy.

Turns out…a lot.  Like…everything.

Autonomic Nervous System

The autonomic nervous system is underneath everything.  Certainly behavior.

We want to believe we have a lot of cognitive control over our behavior but really, we don’t.  We can work to develop more conscious awareness and control over our behavior, but even still– most behavior is implicit.

People who experienced trauma, loss, toxic stress while their autonomic nervous system was busy developing have had the regulation of their autonomic nervous system impacted.

Ultimately this means that their behavior is pretty baffling, confusing, and overwhelming.

Right Intervention Wrong Time

Child Center Play Therapy or other approaches that support the client in engaging in projective, metaphor or symbolic play is not a bad treatment approach. It’s an excellent treatment approach and provides the safety and the distance for the child to touch distressing memories in a safe space so they can integrate.

Cognitive therapies or approaches that help kids identify thinking errors and coping skills are not a bad treatment approach.  Becoming mindful of our own thoughts and making the previously held implicit beliefs more explicit can be an important step in increasing integration.

These aren’t bad or wrong therapies.  They just are often used at the wrong time, especially with children with histories of complex trauma.

Complex trauma in early life impacts the develop of the autonomic nervous system, regulation, and sense of self.  It impacts the develop of the neurobiology that is needed to benefit from child-centered play therapy.

Beyond Trauma Informed

Complex trauma has always been my area of expertise but studying the Relational Neurosciences has shifted my understanding of ALL humans.

Regulation, felt-safety, and connection- our autonomic state- is underneath all of our behaviors.

We had to start with regulate.

If we have children or clients who have autonomic nervous system vulnerabilities due to trauma or toxic stress, we may have to start with with therapies and interventions that support the lowest part of the brain.  The child may need us to stay with those types of interventions for a while.

This might feel frustrating is your child is seven or 10 or 15- and you want them to have age-appropriate capabilities for impulse control, cause and effect, and self-awareness.  You want them to have an age-appropriate ‘pause’ before they act so they can make a choice.   They may even demonstrate those skills occasionally.

But children with a history of complex trauma who have a shaky foundation of the brain quickly lose their ability to have relational or logical behaviors when their autonomic nervous system is stressed.

Their foundation collapses. 

Dr. Perry’s work and the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics shows us that children with a shaky foundation in the brain (brainstem and autonomic nervous system disorganization and dysregulation) need therapeutic experiences that are based in the here and now (not prompting self-reflection or symbolic play) to promote organization and regulation.

This neurodevelopmental lens also helps us make sense of behaviors as a completely appropriate response given the vulnerabilities in their nervous system, as opposed to a behavior problem that needs punished or a characterological problem. 

The problem isn’t the child’s behavior. The problem is the disruption of the energy and arousal that is fueling that behavior.

Strengthen the Foundation

If I don’t want to get hurt in a therapy session, helping the child developing coping skills to calm down before they start hitting and throwing things will only be helpful if the problem is that they don’t have coping skills. But this is almost never the case. The problem is that they aren’t regulated

Coping skills are important. But if the child’s energy and arousal is dysregulated to the point that they are rapidly escalating, continually making “mountains out of molehills” or behaving in head-scratching ways that leave adults feeling baffled and overwhelmed, what that child needs isn’t coping skills. They need increased regulation in their autonomic nervous system, which is in the bottom-most and inside-most part of their brain.

Teaching coping skills to a dysregulated child is like focusing on the decorations when you are earthquake-proofing your house. It’s way more important to strengthen the foundation, not nail picture frames to the wall. If the house collapses, it doesn’t really matter if the picture frames didn’t fall down.

So…how do we do this?

Well, I’m glad you asked!

This is what I’m going to focusing on for the next six weeks on my blog and podcast– strengthening the foundation of the brain.  I have some great guests lined up, too, starting with a guest interview next week about the Safe and Sound Protocol.

At the end of this series, you’ll have the opportunity to go deeper and get more practical, more hands on with the material, and of course, waaaay more support by joining us in The Club– because strengthening the foundation of the brain will be our focus in The Club October through the end of the year.

If you’re a professional and you’re curious to learn how I’ve incorporated this bottom-up approach inside a traditional hour-a-week outpatient therapy paradigm, I have something special in store for you this fall, too.  Stay tuned 😊

Therapeutic Moments

I’ve come to be a believer in therapeutic moments.  So much healing and changing can happen– it must happen– outside the therapeutic hour.

I want to empower you to become your child’s expert, to see behavior for what it truly is, and give you the tools to help regulate and organize your child’s nervous system- because that’s when the behavior you are looking for will begin to emerge.

What Behavior Really Is…

If you’d like to get a jump-start on this new paradigm while you impatiently wait for next week’s blog and podcast on building the foundation of the brain, watch my F R E E video-series on What Behavior Really Is…and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

Robyn

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Imperfect Parenting Grows Resilience {EP 46}


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Relationship has nothing to do with perfection.  We are going to mess up.  Our kids are going to mess up.

~Dr. Amy Stoeber

Listen on the podcast or keep reading!

Meet Dr. Amy!

Dr. Amy Stoeber is a clinical psychologist in the Portland, OR area.  She has a small private practice where she works with kids and families who have a history of trauma and toxic stress.  Amy also trains medical professionals on recognizing trauma in their patients and families, and then helps them know how to support the building of strong thriving families and resilient children.

Trauma-Informed Resilience

Amy is at the forefront of shifting the conversation around trauma away from “What’s wrong with you?” and toward the important conversation on resilience. 

As families and professionals develop an understanding of Adverse Childhood Experiences and then a broader understanding of the impact of trauma and toxic stress, the conversation is beginning to focus more on the question of “now what?”  

How do we promote resilience in children to mitigate the impact of trauma?

What is resilience?

A common definition of resilience is the ability to bounce-back.  Amy talks about how many survivors of trauma don’t resonate with that definition and added that “trauma survivors don’t feel particularly bouncy.”

Resilience: the ability to overcome and face challenges and be strengthened rather than defeated by them. 

But Amy went out to emphasize that resilience isn’t the responsibility of the survivor.  

Relationships, systems, and community all help to co-create resilience.  We can all take responsibility for creating experiences that promote resilience within one another and our communities. 

Buoyancy

A few years ago, I worked with a moms group and one of the moms stated that she wanted to feel ‘buoyant.’  She knew that the stress and chaos in her home wasn’t likely to change much, and that there came a point where she couldn’t really even control that.  

What she was aiming for was to increase her capacity to just ‘ride the wave.’ 

She wanted to be able to ask herself, “What can I do in this moment that could support my nervous system to be more buoyant- so I can ride the wave instead of being taken over by the tsunami?”

Amy and I talk about how resilience isn’t about toxic positivity or looking for the good in the trauma.  Resilience is about acknowledging the impact of trauma and then finding ways to move forward as a person impacted by trauma. 

How Do We Build the Buffering?

Whether a child has had a traumatic history or not, relationship builds the buffering.  This is true about all kids, actually.  A history of trauma definitely makes it more challenging to build resilience but it’s the same path- safe, stable, nurturing, and consistent relationships. 

Within those relationships, children need unconditional love.

What is Unconditional Love?

Unconditional love means that children can feel that their caregiver’s love for them persists even when they have challenging behaviors. 

Unconditional love, Amy says, is our ability to separate our kids from their behavior.  Kids will always challenge us as adults- they are supposed to test boundaries! Kids with a history of trauma can have extremely challenging behaviors.  Unconditional love is a clear message to a child that no matter what, you aren’t going anywhere. 

Amy clarified that unconditional love doesn’t mean we always like our kids’ behaviors or even just like them in general.  Unconditional love isn’t about being a perfect parent.  It’s about communicating to kids that we aren’t going anywhere. 

Understanding the Why Behind Behavior

Amy and I talked about my love for teaching parents the theory behind behavior.  I have found repeatedly and consistently that when adults understand why their children are acting the way they are- whether it’s because this is developmentally normal boundary-pushing behavior or it’s a behavior that has emerged from their trauma history- they are able to stay more regulated and communicate this experience of unconditional love. 

If we understand that our child’s attachment trauma is contributing to their bizarre behavior, if I can make sense of that behavior, then I as the adult can separate my child from their behavior.  

I can also separate myself from their behavior- not take it personally!

And…I can set a boundary more effectively.

This all helps us anchor back into unconditional love- which brings us back to resilience. 

Hope versus Expectation

Amy and I laughed a bit about how I wrote about hope versus expectation in my series on attachment.  

All of us hope to receive unconditional love in relationships.  Many of us, because of our own history in relationships, also have the expectation that we won’t receive it- so we behave in ways that make it more likely we will receive what we expect as opposed to what we hope.

As parents, if we can understand this, we can again soothe ourselves and stay connected to our children’s hope for unconditional love even when they are acting in ways that seem to say they don’t want any connection.

Self Compassion

This is hard!!!  Amy and I are professionals who live and breathe practicing this and we don’t always get it right- in both our personal and professional lives.  

So of course the parents we work with aren’t always going to get it right and definitely our children aren’t going to always get it right. 

Luckily, none of us have to get it right all the time- and this brings us back to self-compassion. 

We all mess up.  A lot.  We all had parents who messed up.  Maybe a lot.

When we know this is normal and can let go of our expectation to be perfect, we can make a repair when we mess up.

The repair matters and it matters a lot.

Ruptures are going to happen in relationships.  It’s impossible to avoid a rupture and even if we could, we wouldn’t want to.

Rupture & Repair

In the interview, Amy and I get a little geeky with excitement about rupture and repair.  I am a rupture and repair fangirl because:

  •  It’s a learnable skill
  • It can be scaffolded

For so many parents, repairing a rupture feels so vulnerable. It feels like an impossible task. 

It’s not! 

Repair can start with a tiny gesture and not an overt repair or apology.  The vulnerability of repair can be titrated and tolerated over time- promise!

Imperfect Parenting is Perfect

Relationship has nothing to do with perfection.  We are going to mess up.  Our kids are going to mess up. 

Attachment research shows us attunement happens in securely attached relationships about 33% of the time.  The rest is just rupture and repair.

Repair, of course, requires attunement which brings the percentage up to about 70% attunement.  

Ruptures make repairs possible- they aren’t bad, we just have to follow up those ruptures with a repair.

Connect with Dr. Amy Stoeber

You can learn more about Dr. Amy over at:

Doctoramyllc.com

Instagram @doctoramyllc

Facebook @doctoramyllc

She is doing revolutionary work training medical providers on how to support kids and families with a history of trauma.  

Free eBook on the Brilliance of Attachment

Amy talked about my attachment series and the difference between our hopes and expectations in relationship.  If you missed the attachment series, you can read the entire six-part series in my free Brilliance of Attachment eBook.

 Just let me know below the email address where you’d like me to send it!

Robyn

Don’t forget to check out this week’s podcast all about attachment, too!   You can listen to the podcast directly on my website HERE or search for Parenting after Trauma wherever you listen to podcasts- iTunes, Google Podcast, Stitcher, Spotify, and more!

Are you ready to end the loneliness that comes along with parenting a child with a history of trauma?  Then you’re ready to join The Club– a virtual community of connection, co-regulation, and a little education. The Club will be opening for new members this fall.  Grab a spot on the waiting list HERE.  

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Cookin’ is Connecting with Chef Kibby {EP 45}


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“Life is messy. Parenting is messy.  Cooking is messy.  But if we do it together, we are creating experiences of togetherness with our children that teaches them they are safe, loved, and empowered.”  Chef Kibby

Listen on the podcast or keep reading!

Social media might be good for something after all- like meeting really neat people like Chef Kibby from Cookin’ With Kibby.

Meet Chef Kibby

Kibby is a professional chef who has been teaching culinary skills to others for many many years.  He’s also a dad to his biological, adopted, and foster kids.  

Kibby has shifted his professional life to be supporting foster and adoptive families with what has got to be, from my very non-scientific way I collect data, difficulties: FOOD.

The families I work with almost always have an undercurrent of energy around food and feeding.  Sometimes it’s not just an undercurrent- it’s the primary, biggest challenge.  

Feeding our Kids Can Be So Stressful

There’s just so much that goes into food and feeding. Our own history, societal messages about parenting, subtle and not-so-subtle messages we get from well-meaning (and not well-meaning) friends, family, and even the doctor about the right and wrong way to feed our kids, and how for some reason we make meaning about how good of a parent we are based on how well we can control what our child does and doesn’t eat.  

I see this even in families where the child doesn’t have an obvious history of food trauma or scarcity.

This actually makes complete sense because food, attachment, and giving and receiving nurturing are intricately intertwined.  They cannot be teased apart.  

Cooking Is Connecting

Kibby is taking a unique and in my not-so-humble opinion brilliant approach to supporting families where there is just too much negative and stressful around food and feeding.  

Kibby isn’t a therapist.  He’s a chef and a dad who intimately knows the power of bringing families together in the kitchen.  He’s clearly a keen observer and has developed a program with structure, yet flexibility, that empowers parents to create connection with their children in the kitchen.  

What Food Can Really Be

Kibby showed up his whole self in this interview and shared with vulnerability how COVID impacted- well we could say decimated- his business.  Pandemics, groups of people, and eating just don’t go together.  (You have to take your mask off to eat…).  Kibby found himself facing a pandemic, the loss of his business, and the loss of his personal and professional identity.  

Oh boy, do I ever relate to that!  Pandemics, groups of people and conferences, trainings and workshops don’t go together well either (yup, I canceled 18 events on March 13, 2020…)

Kibby ultimately used this as an opportunity to really look at what’s important to him and the impact he wants to make in the world.

He took a step back and looked at what food can really be.  

More than just food on the table, it can be a deep, life-changing relational experience.  

The first step- a mental shift

Sure, that sounds good in theory- but what about families who flip their lid just thinking about food and feeding?

It all starts with a mental shift, Kibby says.  Even for him- who has a lot of skill and confidence in the kitchen- he had some mental shifts to make when choosing to make food, meal prep, and meal time an intentional time of connection with his family.  Kibby had to examine his own beliefs about himself and feeding his family and be brave at how those beliefs were impacting him with his kids.  

It always starts there- looking inward at our own beliefs and expectations.  Y’all I wish it didn’t because it’s just so much work!  But it always starts there.

The second step- a strategy

After thinking about our mindset, the next step is to come up with a strategy- how do you as a parent start implementing these ideas to integrate cooking and connection.

Which is exactly what Kibby has created!  He has a framework for families that gives structure but not rigidity (which is the very foundation of parenting with connection and co-regulation as a foundation!) so parents and caregivers can feel confident- like they have a plan – with bringing their child into the kitchen.  

You can get a glimpse of this framework by signing up for Kibby’s emails and listening to his podcast.

Spoiler- he’s working on developing a workbook that sounds so completely brilliant.  

The Kitchen is a Vulnerable Place

Kibby and I get real for a moment on the vulnerability that is inherent in bringing our children into the kitchen with us.  For some parents, it’s the only place they feel in control.  For some, the kitchen has never been a place they were comfortable.  For some, the kitchen has turned into the most stressful room in the house because of all the food and feeding stress in the family.

Cooking also comes along with a lot of opportunity for mistakes!  Mistakes with chopping, measuring, or something doesn’t turn out right.  Relational mistakes because of frustration or failed expectations.

What mistakes mean- though- is opportunities to repair.

The Power of Repair

Y’all know how I feel about the power of repair!  It’s basically a magic ingredient in attachment.  Repairing ruptures with our kids is seriously the most powerful tool for helping our kids move toward secure attachment.  

Plus, cooking actually could become playful and joyful!  Really it can be.  And playfulness, joy, and delight are more ingredients in secure attachment.  

To read more about attachment, especially the power of rupture and repair, CLICK HERE to download my free eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment.

Attunement, Trial & Error

Kibby and I round out this interview with tips for parents who have kids who are ….let’s just say resistant…to getting involved in the kitchen.  Of course- this just comes back to attunement and scaffolding.  What is the child interested in doing?  Meal planning? Grocery shopping? Washing or chopping?  Setting the table?  Choosing what dessert to make?  

“Like so many things, this takes attunement, trial and error,” he says. Kibby acknowledges that this is hard, especially for parents who are parenting kids with a history of relationship trauma and loss.  

Healing Moments

Dr. Bruce Perry talks about the power of healing moments.  Instead of healing hours (like therapy), healing moments are powerful ways to increase connection and resilience and decrease an over-active stress response.

Cooking is Connecting offers the opportunity to look for these moments.  

We Are All Just Fumbling Through

Before we sign off, Kibby and I offer compassion to everyone caring for kids with big behaviors, kids who have had hard things happen.  This is hard.  Really really really hard.  It often feels like it doesn’t go well.  Parents are too hard on themselves and can shame themselves for mistakes, mess-ups, and ruptures in their relationship with their child.

We are all just fumbling through.  We all have our experiences of hurt because of rejection.  Add food into the equation and the experience of feeling rejected, of feeling as though our offering of nurturing is being rejected seems to be multiplied.

That pain, that rejection, is real.  You can acknowledge your child’s pain and what is driving their rejecting behavior and still acknowledge that the rejection hurts.

All of those feelings are valid.

Life is messy. Parenting is messy.  Cooking is messy.  But if we do it together, we are creating experiences of togetherness with our children that teaches them they are safe, loved, and empowered.  

Connect with Chef Kibby

RUN RIGHT NOW to find Chef Kibby and all the cool things he is offering.

CookinWithKibby.com

Chef Kibby on IG

Cookin With Kibby podcast

His online course: Knife Skills for Busy Families

Cooking is Connecting 20 Day Challenge

Robyn

Don’t forget to check out this week’s podcast all about attachment, too!   You can listen to the podcast directly on my website HERE or search for Parenting after Trauma wherever you listen to podcasts- iTunes, Google Podcast, Stitcher, Spotify, and more!

Are you ready to end the loneliness that comes along with parenting a child with a history of trauma?  Then you’re ready to join The Club– a virtual community of connection, co-regulation, and a little education. The Club will be opening for new members this fall.  Grab a spot on the waiting list HERE.  

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