The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. ~Carl Rogers

The Science Backs it Up

You know, one of my favorite things about studying relational neuroscience is discovering the science that proves things we’ve known all along. 

Not everyone needs the science, and I know some think the science destracts from the powerful truths that people have been brave enough to say and believe without having science to back it up.  

I think both approaches are fine.  I just happen to like the science.  

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Acceptance Leads to Change?!

Y’all I remember being pretty pissed about this sentiment by Carl Rogers.  

How could I accept parts of myself?  How could I do that with the explicit purpose of wanting to change because frankly that seemed to contradict itself.  And I wanted to follow the instructions correctly because yeah I really wanted to change.  I’m very good at following instructions to eventually obtain the end result.

But that didn’t seem exactly what Carl Rogers had in mind.  

I also wanted to understand why.  WHY did acceptance lead to the possibility of change?

You know, I needed to make sure Carl Rogers wasn’t tricking me.  And if I could understand the mechanics of this phenomenon I could perhaps risk accepting the parts of me I was pretty desperate to change.  

The Mechanisms of Change

First I had to understand the mechanisms behind change.

Change that wasn’t just about developing a new behavior that was stronger than the one I wanted to change but real true change.  Change that reached the depths of whatever was driving that behavior.

The Path for Integration

The field of interpersonal neurobiology tells us that the characteristics of integration are Flexibility, Adaptability, Coherence, Energetic, and Stable. 

That seemed like a good place for me to start because yeah, the parts of myself I was pretty desperate to change aren’t flexible, adaptive, coherent, energetic or stable.

But here’s something interesting…desperation isn’t flexible, adaptive, coherent, energetic or stable either.  Desperation is the opposite of flexible, that’s for sure.  Desperation, for me, is quite rigid and actually pretty stagnant, not energetic.  

I pondered this- I was seeking integration for sure, but taking a path that wasn’t integrated at all.

I suspected that was something worth looking into.

The idea of integration intrigued me, though it did perplex me a little.  It felt slippery- I couldn’t quite hold on to the definition and wasn’t sure exactly what it meant.  But I was intrigued.

Characteristics of Integration

Interpersonal Neurobiology also tells us that an integrated mind leads to response flexibility, regulation, the ability to participate in attuned communication, empathy, insight.

Cool.  I wanted those things.  

The parts of me I was desperate to change weren’t those things.  

But then I learned something else that really actually changed my whole life.

Always Seeking Connection

We are all always seeking connection, and my mentor Bonnie Badenoch says the most nourishing connections we can imagine.  

That one gave me pause.

How could this make sense?  How could I bring together some of these behaviors I was desperate to change with the idea that my system was always seeking connection?

Because just take my word for it- these weren’t behaviors there were exactly inviting connection.

They weren’t behaviors that were inviting connection with others and definitely not with myself- given that I was desperate to banish them.  

Could both be true? Could there be a part of me that has behaviors that I want to change while another part of me that’s always seeking nourishing connections?

Not All of Me

I suddenly had to consider the possibility that the part of me I wanted to change was indeed- just a part.

It wasn’t all of me.

It wasn’t who I was at my core. 

Who I am at my core is the same as who everyone else is at their core.

Precious. Good. Full of infinite worth. Longing for connection.  Deserving of connection.  

Easier to Believe about Others

I’m telling this story a little bit backwards actually because for me, it was easier to believe these ideas first about everyone else.

I embraced this theory as a professional first.

I embraced this theory as a professional who loved to work with kids who’d experienced attachment trauma.

Who had very real, troubling, and even dangerous behaviors that certainly did not invite connection.

They were kids who seemed as though the last thing they ever would want is connection and they worked quite hard to make sure we all knew that.

I embraced this theory during a time period when the popular belief about kids with a history of attachment trauma was basically the opposite of “we are all longing for connection.”  

I felt like I had to.

I didn’t know how else to keep showing up to work to welcome these kids – and adults too – who had very intense push away behaviors if I didn’t believe that somewhere underneath all of it they were – like everyone else- seeking connection.

Accepting Isn’t Excusing

OK back to the idea that it’s only when we can accept something as it is that change becomes possible.  

There was a part of me that thought accepting meant excusing, allowing, or inviting.

If I accepted this part of me- if I accepted these parts of my clients- it meant I was giving up.

But how could it possibly mean that if I knew in my core that we are all always seeking connection.

What if I could really truly trust that truth?

What if I didn’t need to try to change anyone- including myself- because we are all always trying to move toward integration?

What if acceptance absolutely positively did not mean the behavior that was emerging from that part of self was OK?  

What if acceptance simply means that I am connecting to reality in this moment. 

Acceptance means getting very curious and compassionate about what is happening inside that person- or myself- that is more powerful than our inherent drive for connection.

Survival and Connection

It’s not that our inherent drive for connection- and therefore for behaviors that are inviting of connection- disappears.  It’s that something else becomes more powerful.

We are all driven for connection, yet, but we are all also driven for survival.  

Can you imagine anything more tragic than the felt sense that connection – to ourselves or to others- is so terrifying that protection based behaviors emerge instead?

OK OK OK I’m veering off track again from the premise here- that only when we accept something as it is is change possible.

I mean, I’m kinda veering off track.  I’m really showing you all the tracks I took to finally be willing to believe that.

Integration invites Integration.

If I want something in myself to change- or something in someone else to change- I have to find a way to be with that something with an integrated presence.

What the heck is an integrated presence!?

Well I won’t bore you will alllll the science but we can be certain than an integrated presence has characteristics like curiosity and compassion.  An integrated presence feels open, not constricted, and definitely not desperate.

I’m a therapist so I worked my tail off cultivating the ability to sit with folks – some of who had extremely challenging behaviors not just outside my office but inside my office- with curiosity and compassion.

Notice, I never said CALM.

This is True of All of Us. Including Ourselves.

Eventually I had to have a real heart to heart with myself as I wondered why I continued to consider myself the one outlying variable here.

Why wasn’t I worthy of this approach?

Could I connect with the parts of myself that I was desperate to change with curiosity and compassion??

Turns out, I can.

Connecting with Ourselves

Yup, it’s reallllllly hard work.  It’s so counterintuitive.  It almost feels even absurd at times.

But I can and I must and I do and it’s exactly what the hurting parts of me need.

It’s also exactly what the hurting parts of our kids need.

Behaviors of Hurt and Fear

We have to stay grounded in the truth that these behaviors that we realllllly want to change are indeed grounded in hurt and fear.

They must be.  If there was no hurt and fear, connection based behaviors would emerge.

No Step by Step Instructions

There is no formula I can give you, no step by step instructions on how to practice this place of acceptance while also still honoring your own truth which is that you realllllly want a certain behavior to change.

Maybe, in your quietest moments, you connect with the parts of you that want a behavior to change – in yourself or in others- and you experiment with curiosity.

Why would someone who is biologically driven for connection have a behavior that is pushing away connection?

I promise promise promise that we can find moments of acceptance that aren’t about giving up, or allowing bad behavior, or no longer hoping something changes.

Acceptance is About One Moment

Acceptance is about a moment.  In this moment, my child or me or my partner or my client, has something happening for them that is leading them to believe they need to prioritize behaviors of protection over behaviors of connection.  

Sometimes- certainly not ALL the times but sometimes- that may just inspire us to lean in and offer safety.  Or connection.  

A gesture that makes sense when our belief is “you’re hurting” instead of a belief of “I need your behavior to change.”  

You’re Doing the Very Best you Can.

Always.  Your desperation to get a behavior to change is emerging from your own fear.  Your fear deserves to be met with compassion.

Maybe that’s why you come here.  So I can give you heaps of compassion.

Until one day you’ll notice that you hear my compassionate voice in your head even when you aren’t listening to this podcast.

And then one day you’ll notice that the compassionate voice in your head is yours.

You know what’s super cool?  What I’m doing for you is what you are doing for your child.  They’ll eventually internalize your compassion and eventually they’ll have compassion for themselves.

I can’t think of anything more amazing.

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!