You aren’t Doing it Wrong
In recent discussions in The Club, a common question that arises is, “What am I doing wrong?” Many individuals find themselves examining their family challenges and questioning their own actions. It’s important to recognize that this question stems from a watchdog brain and a nervous system in protection mode. The assumption behind this question is that if we were doing things right, these challenges wouldn’t exist. However, it’s crucial to understand that this perspective is flawed and often driven by deeply embedded beliefs from our past experiences.
If We Could Only Just Get it Right
From a young age, many of us learned that things changed when we got them right. This belief led us to think that we had the power to make life easier, regulate others, and even ourselves if we could just get everything right. While we may now know that we don’t possess such control, moments of stress can trigger our old neural pathways, leading us back to this mindset. Stress narrows our window of tolerance and defaults our brains to use well-exercised neural pathways.
Widening the Window of Stress Tolerance
To create lasting change and healing, it’s important to widen our window of stress tolerance. By expanding this window, we have more choices in which neural pathways our brain will follow. Stress often reinforces the belief that getting things right will result in changes in others’ behavior. However, our brain takes in millions of pieces of data, and we can only influence a small portion of that for others.
We must recognize that our rightness or wrongness doesn’t determine someone else’s safety or behavior.
Embracing Uncertainty
While the watchdog brain seeks certainty through a binary understanding of right versus wrong, the owl brain is comfortable with uncertainty. It acknowledges that humans are complex systems constantly moving toward coherence and organization. When we observe baffling behaviors in ourselves, our children, or our partners, we can recognize that these behaviors do not align with coherence or organization. Embracing this complexity allows us to explore new possibilities and approaches.
Shifting the Question
Instead of asking, “What am I doing wrong?” we can step back and inquire if there are ways to offer more co-regulation, connection, and felt safety to our children. By cultivating curiosity and openness, we shift from demanding answers to embracing possibilities. This way of parenting doesn’t aim to prevent all dysregulation or baffling behaviors in our children. Instead, it acknowledges that change occurs when our regulation meets their dysregulation, leading to long-term shifts in the nervous system.
Offering Co-Regulation
When our children bring us their dysregulation, and we respond with regulation (not necessarily calmness), change begins to unfold in their neurobiology. Over time, our regulations become integrated within them, reducing their dysregulation. The goal is not immediate behavior change but rather sustainable shifts in the nervous system, which hold greater promise for long-term growth.
Embracing Curiosity and Compassion
It’s crucial to approach these questions without shame or blame. Instead, cultivate curiosity and self-compassion. When you catch yourself asking, “What am I doing wrong?” recognize it as a signal from your nervous system in protection mode. Understand that being in protection mode is challenging. By shifting the focus to how you can offer more co-regulation, you can navigate these challenges with compassion and curiosity, leading to meaningful growth and connection.
Listen on the Podcast
This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’
