Grief in Parenting Kids with Vulnerable Nervous Systems {EP 129}

Today we're going to talk about grief. And I know I've talked about grief before. But also the truth is, is we couldn't talk about it enough. Because grief, in general, in our culture isn't talked about enough. And grief, especially in parenting is without question, not talked about enough. And y'all know that when we don't talk about something, when we don't see something, when we don't connect with it, or give a relational resonance, the possibility of that thing kind of morphing, and twisting, and getting tangled into the felt sense of shame gets really high. So we talk about the hard stuff here. And today, what we're talking about is grief in parenting kids with a history of trauma, with histories of toxic stress, kids with vulnerable nervous system, kids with big baffling behaviors. I had a mentor once, and to be honest with you, I'm trying to remember who said this to me, it actually maybe even could have been my own therapist who I consider as much of a mentor as any other therapist mentor that I've had. But whoever said this to me, they said trauma work really is just grief work. Underneath all trauma is a need, a really righteous need, that wasn't met. And the tapestry then of like, integrating trauma always brings us back to the precipice of the grief. For me, in my own work, I stood and looked at the pit of grief for a really long time before I was willing to take any step toward it. And I say that kind of metaphorically, but also in a way somewhat literally. So really quick story here is, I really hate yoga. Well actually, I really hate most yoga. I actually discovered I really love yin yoga, but regular yoga and me, we just don't get along. But I wanted to love it. And so I did yoga for a while, many years ago back in Austin, and maybe both because I kind of hate yoga and also because I- what I actually really love is yin yoga. I spent a lot of time in this yoga studio in child's pose. So my forehead and like my nose were on the mat, and my arms and hands were above my head, like my- my biceps, sort of like at my ears in child's pose. And for the longest time, when I would go into child's pose during this period of my life, I would literally see, like I had visualize this pit. And this is extra weird for me, because I don't really think in pictures. The inside of my mind is largely just like blank and black. And it takes me a long time to connect to anything that feels like an image in my mind. But yes, I went through this, like multi-month experience with yoga and the second that I would hit child's pose, I saw myself at the edge of this pit. And the pit was so clear to me, the pit of grief. And I knew in my mind, in my heart I guess maybe more than my mind, I knew in my heart, that if I could get brave enough to walk into the pit, who would be waiting for me at the bottom would be my therapist. And I really could picture this. Which, again, is very strange for me, because I do not really picture things. But I spent months in child’s pose just looking at the edge of this pit. And eventually, y’all, eventually I had a moment where the image changed for me and I took a step in to this pit. And then the image changed again, and I went down the staircase, and the image changed, and the image changed. And- and y'all, even despite this, I would still just like rage at my therapist, and I actually still can sometimes just rage when she suggests that underneath everything is grief and what feels like a grief, I'm having a very hard time connecting with. I really, truly say to her, like just tell me what to do. If you- you tell me the grief is underneath it and I have to grieve, but I have no idea what that means. I will just like kind of holler at her. And I'll say, just tell me what to do. And I'll do it. And she assures me that I am doing it. And she assures me that I will do it as soon as my system experiences enough safety that it is ready- that is ready for that. So I really get it. When I talk about standing like at the precipice of the grief, and a grief that can feel like it will consume you. While simultaneously being an experience that feels like I can't muscle myself to do it. Like I want to do it. You're- you've convinced me that the other side of it is better than this side. But also, I don't know how, will you please just tell me what to do? And of course, like everything else we talk about on this podcast, is I can't just tell you what to do. But I do have some thoughts about how we can all kind of come together, I guess, on our own paths. 

When I talk with parents about helping their kids with grief, and specifically kids who have been adopted or kids who have experienced some sort of tremendous, traumatic loss like that, I asked them these four questions. Number one, how does your kid know that feelings are okay? Any feeling? What- what do you do inside your family that helps your child know that it's okay to have feelings? Number two, how does your child know that it's okay to have hard feelings or the kinds of feelings that we might label negative? I don't label them that way, but maybe we could say like uncomfortable, like mad, or sad. Right? How does your child know that not only are all feelings okay, but the hard ones especially are okay? And then the next question is how about specifically grief? How does your child know that the feeling of grief is okay? Because in many parts of Western culture, there's all sorts of way we're telling kids, and everyone else, that grief isn't okay. Especially if it doesn't look a certain way. So I'm always asking parents, how does your kid know that grief is a feeling that's okay in your family? And then how does your child know that grief specific to adoption, or to the loss, or the trauma that they've endured is okay? And really work with parents on getting clear around that. Like, what are some of the overt and covert messages that exist inside our families around feelings, hard feelings, grief, right? And this kind of helps us see where our kids and our families could use some support around being okay with all feelings, especially hard ones. 

So I want you to take those four questions and ask them of yourself. How did you learn in your own family when you were small that feelings were okay? And that hard feelings are okay. And that grief specifically is a feeling that's okay. And grief specific to a traumatic loss is okay. And then now, in your adulthood, how do you show up for yourself now in a way that tells you and all of your inner parts, especially your youngest and most vulnerable parts, that all feelings are okay? That hard feelings are okay. That grief is okay. And that grief related to a traumatic loss is okay. 

So that's where I want you to start first, as we're thinking about the grief of parenting kids with vulnerable nervous systems, big baffling behaviors, histories of trauma and toxic stress. Parenting a child who's bringing you to this specific podcast. There's grief there. There's grief there. The courage to grieve comes with the courage for being with yourself with self compassion. How can you grieve everything you've lost if you can't have the compassion for yourself to acknowledge those losses. We all- all have our own journey with grief. And presently, I'm coming up against the grief of living the life with a partner who has a serious, chronic illness. A chronic illness that impacts, y'all, in some ways, what feels like every moment of our lives. And if it feels like that to me, then what it feels like to him, is, in a way, just overwhelming. I mean, sometimes I'm just consumed with the grief. It at all feels so wildly unfair. This wasn't what either of us signed up for, and neither did our son. Sometimes I'm consumed with shame for having this grief, especially because my experience with his chronic illness doesn't even come close to rivaling his experience and all the things that he has lost. 

Sometimes I can really flex my self compassion muscle for both of us, for me and for him. And sometimes I can grieve the losses while also having gratitude for all of our privileges that make navigating his illness so much easier than it is for other families. And these things are all true for you, too. Sometimes you'll be consumed with the grief, and sometimes you'll be consumed with the shame, and sometimes you'll be able to flex your self compassion muscle, and sometimes you'll be able to hold in mindful awareness how exceptionally hard things are for you, and your family, and your child. While also holding that in mindful awareness of the things that aren't hard. 

You know, sometimes parents will come into The Club and say that they know that their problem is minor or that is not as big as other people's. They'll kind of like give this caveat as they come in and they ask for support. And, you know, I really get why folks feel like they got to preface it that way. But my heart I mean, I think it's so human nature, but- but also my heart just hurts for them. There is no contest in the hard. Like my hard gets to be mine and yours gets to be yours. And for some of you my hard is bigger, and for some of you, my hard doesn't even come close to rivaling your hard. And all of those pieces are okay. And yeah, mindful awareness is important for compassion and integration, but we don't have to force it. Mindful awareness emerges when we're brave enough to step close to our grief with compassion. Or if we're brave enough to show our grief to someone else who can step closer to us with compassion. Where there is trauma, there is grief. And it is okay to grieve that this wasn't what you'd planned. Compassion is so different than pity. 

Kristin Neff talks about that a lot in her work on compassion and self compassion. And that one of the reasons folks are hesitant to move towards compassion is because it feels like pity, and pity feels gross. And that's a valid assessment. And also, compassion and pity aren't the same thing. Compassion leads to connection with integration. Pity strengthens the walls that protect the grief from really getting what it needs. I mean, if we think about the other things we've talked about on this podcast: felt safety, regulation, connection, connection mode, protection mode. Compassion comes from connection mode. pity comes from protection mode. There's a similar experience in both of them, but one of them is experienced in a nervous system that's landing in safety and connection. And one of them, pity, is experienced by a nervous system that is experiencing a lack of felt safety and some protection. Pity isn't bad or wrong. I’m not judging self pity. Compassion, though, is the neurobiology of change. So if we can shift from pity into compassion, when there's enough safety in our nervous system, we will be on the path towards integrating that grief. 

I'm only just getting old enough to start grappling with big existential truths, like the reality in life that we do not get to do over. I mean, this has always been true. But like feeling its truth has become just more true for me lately. And, oh man, what a new layer of grief that's ushering in. And then I consider trying on the truth that maybe I don't actually need a do over. I mean, yeah, this is not what was planned. But what is? And yeah, it's true that no one's life goes as planned. But those of us who are caring for and loving people with vulnerable nervous systems, big baffling behaviors, life really hasn't gone as planned. Right? There is a lot of little losses, and there's a lot of big losses. 

Just yesterday, I was out on a walk. Oh my gosh, y'all, it’s like the first outdoor walk I've taken in months. [laughs] It was so wonderful. And I listened to most Michelle Obama on a podcast, We Can Do Hard Things with Glenn and Doyle and Abby Wambach and Glenn’s sister who I'm like, totally blanking on her name because they call her sister. So anyway, Glen, and Abby, sister and Michelle Obama are on this podcast. And, you know, Michelle Obama, she's offering up all sorts of lovely thoughts about parenting, and about letting kids fail and, and just wonderful, gorgeous thoughts for parents of kids with neurotypical kids. And I was able to- to notice that and enjoy hearing her thoughts, while also really feeling into the grief of being a parent who has a child who is not going through these kinds of developmental milestones and in parenting just isn't going this way. The way that Michelle was talking about with these lovely podcasts hosts, right? Our kids need more scaffolding, they need more co-regulation. Right? As- as Michelle Obama's talking about hel-, you know, helping her kids kind of launch out into the world, you know, the way that she is able to scaffold her kids with their launching is so wildly different. I mean, obviously, for many, many ways, which she does speak to, right? “ike launching, the children of the previous President of the United States out into the world is unique in a bajillion ways. And launching our kids out into the world is unique in a bajillion ways, right? 

Parents of kids with big baffling behaviors, vulnerable nervous systems just have really different kinds of worries. And I had this deep moment of compassion for all the parents that I know, while I listened to this podcast, which was again, it was a lovely podcast. I really enjoyed it. And I also had this pang of sadness, as I imagined parents of kids with a vulnerable nervous systems listening to this podcast, which wasn't necessarily about parenting, so it'd be easy to kind of stumble upon it and press play. And all of a sudden, you're hearing somebody talk about parenting, in a way as though it is the norm. And then feeling in your own bones, that it is not your norm. Both experiences are completely valid. 

And I do think it's an example of, like, a micro loss, right? That parents of kids with vulnerable nervous systems don't get to be seen in the ways that other families get to be seen. It's one of what drives me on this podcast is to create a space where you instantly feel seen without having to work too hard, or sort through too much to find that moment of seen-ness. This is a loss to not be seen in ways that other families are so regularly and easily, kind of, seen and reflected. Right? In a way it's about not having representation, right, in the media. 

Did- did y'all know that my husband is significantly hearing impaired? So he has this serious, you know, complex, vulnerable, nervous system. And he also has this really significant hearing impairment. And he's also a musician, so you can just kind of noodle on that for a little bit. A musician with a serious hearing impairment. He wears hearing aids. And he was telling me just- just the other day, about how he saw a commercial and- in fact, this is reminding me, I've never gone and watch the commercial with him, I'll need to go do that. But he saw a commercial, I think it was a car commercial, maybe I don't remember. And in the commercial, there were like two, kind of, actors that were in the car together weren't talking to each other, like gesturing or something. And then at the end, they finally stopped driving, and so the driver could turn to the passenger. And they started signing to one another, which is why they weren't talking before. Right? They started signing to one another. And he told me about how watching that commercial caused him to tear up a bit. And I said, yeah, of course it did. That's the power of representation. How often in the media does he see a representation of him? Hardly never. And his hearing loss is mostly corrected by hearing aids, kind of. He doesn't sign. And his hearing loss gets worse, you know, pretty regularly. And so we don't know what that's going to mean for our future. Right? So that emotion, that's full of emotion for him, hat was the power of representation. Though, I guess that kind of swell of emotion is actually really about the power of representation when, typically, there isn't representation. 

So yeah, the lack of representation in something as simple as a podcast, it wasn't really even about parenting, that's a loss. And of course, the losses just get bigger from there. Y'all know what the owl brain is really good at? The owl brain is really good at being okay with what I've heard called the ‘both and’. A place where two or more, sometimes contradictory things, can be true all at the same time. There's this kid's book called Double Dipped Feelings. It's the same idea. The owl brain is good at being with two different things without judgment. You get to adore your kids or not, and you get to feel that while grieving. Our systems and our communities have utterly failed parents of kids with vulnerable nervous systems. And we can point a lot of our grief and our anger that way. Because how much of our grief would- wouldn't even exist if the systems were in place, if the communities were in place, if the representation were in place, right? There wouldn't even be hardly much to grieve. But would there still be grief? Yeah, I think so. I think so. I mean, it's hard to imagine. But I think so. I think there would still be grief, even if the systems were perfect. 

Your parenting experience is as valid as anyone else's. It's really, really hard. And I get that. I get that as much as I can. It's valid. And I see you. I wish there was a way to just open the door to the pit of grief and say, okay, I'm ready for you. Bring it on. Well, I mean, I guess I've always wished that were true for me. I've just wished that we could just be like, alright, I'm doing it. Door open, let's grieve. Okay, then let's be done. [laughter] But, what I've discovered is that that's not really a thing. It's an ebb and a flow. A touch in and a touch out. Like everything else we talk about, it happened in these micro moments. 

So I'm grateful to be with you today in this micro moment of grief. You can grieve parenting and love your kids. You can grieve that sometimes, and maybe even a lot of the time, that feeling of love for your kids actually feels very far away. That feeling is valid, and worthy of compassion, and of being seen. And until you can give yourself that compassion, I hope that you'll just keep hitting play on this podcast. Because I think even my episodes that aren't explicitly about compassion for you, as the parent, I think that my compassion for you, and for your kids, just touches every word. I mean, I hope it does. That's my hope, that even when the episode isn't overtly about compassion, you're getting compassion from me. So keep hitting play. And if you're in a place in your journey, where you're- you'd like to be in more community with other folks who get it, then come be with us over in The Club. We will hold your grief, and your anger, and your adoration, and all your other parts too! We will delight in you and we will adore you, and we will just be with you in the places that you're afraid that nobody will be with you. 

And then in September, my book is going to come out, which is just one more way of bringing something, hopefully very accessibly for folks especially, and corners of the world where there just isn't much actual support. I wrote this book with a very clear intention in mind. And that was to not just be another parenting book that gave you a lot of ideas about what to do. And then you read it and you were like, oh, these are great ideas, I’ll try these. But then kind of quickly, we fall back into real life. I mean, that's what reading parenting books is kind of like for me. And so I didn't want to do that, right? And I thought hard about what I know about relational neuroscience and about how the brain really changes. And I thought about all of the parents who have come to me over the last 20 years. And I've thought about how my own brain has changed. And I thought about, can I do that while writing a book? Can we create a relationship, me and you the reader, in a way that invites integration and invites real change in your brain so that you're not just getting a bunch of new parenting tools, but you're actually experiencing change? So I wrote my book with that really deliberate intention that it would change you. And I'm really, really excited for you to get your hands on it so I can see [laughter] if I'm right or not, but that is definitely my hope. Because I know that like probably 98% of you listening don't have access to the resources that you and your family need. And- and I don't pretend for a moment to think that a book is going to change that. But I am hoping that it is one piece of what can help the hard be a little bit less hard. 

So that's coming out in September, you can find out more information about it. Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work, you can check that out at RobynGobbel.com/BafflingBook. And you can preorder including the possibility of preordering a book that I'm gonna sign before they get shipped. So that's pretty fun. Many, many, many thanks to my local bookstore here in Grand Rapids, Schuler books. Whose- it was their idea. They told me that preorders that come through them can get signed by me if I come in and sign them before they get shipped. And I'm like, well, that sounds easy enough. So y'all give me a hand cramp, okay? Preorder lots of books through Schuler's! All that information is over at RobynGobbel.com/BafflingBook. 

The most important thing that you could do to help me help other families is going over to wherever you listen to podcasts, and give a quick rating and review. On Apple podcasts, you can leave a comment on most of the other podcast platforms, you can just leave a five star rating, [laughter] I'm hoping. Ratings and reviews are what prompts podcasts to get discovered by more families. And so the more families that are discovering the podcast and more families are getting access to this free, consistent, compassionate experience of being with them, you, and your kids. So you can do that on whatever platform you listen to podcasts on: Apple, Google, Spotify, whatever it is. Y'all, thank you. Thank you for what you do for your kids. Thank you for what you do for yourself. Every time you show up here, and you press play. It matters. It's meaningful, and I will be back with you again here next week.