Focus on Arousal- Not Behaviors (Part 2) {EP 4}

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Or….getting to know your child’s possum brain (and maybe yours, too).

Have you ever looked up from your morning cup of coffee to find a real, live possum sitting on top of your brand new laser-jet printer??????

Or…is that just me?

Yup.  That happened to me.

It was freaky.

And now my friends sometimes bomb my Facebook wall with photos of possums, news stories about possums, and little factoids about possums (North America’s only marsupial!!!  They eat ticks!).

The possum on my printer acted REALLLLLY mad.  It hissed and spewed and screamed this non-scream (seriously, it was so weird).

And then it played possum.  Totally zonkered out.  Which allowed us (ahem, my husband) to safely get the possum into the backyard.  When I checked five minutes later-it had scampered off.

The possum used their fight response (the possum’s watch dog brain!!) to spew and hiss and look really, really mean until that just didn’t work anymore.  So the possum collapsed.

The possum used their possum brain.

The super mean freaky spitting scary possum was really just terrified.

So terrified, it seemed to believe that playing possum was it’s only chance.

And it worked.  The possum was then gently and safely placed in our backyard.  Alive and well.

The total collapse from the possum let me know it was in absolute terror brain.  But just like the watch dog brain goes from alert to alarm to fear to terror, so does the possum.

Remember Dr. Perry’s Arousal Continuum from Part 1?

Today, let’s focus on the possum brain (dissociation continuum).

When humans dip into their possum brain, they are dipping into a brain that believes “I’m probably about to die.”  The possum is actually MORE terrified than the watch dog.  Usually our possum kids have had significant experiences of feeling as though their life was in terrifying danger (this could also be experiences of neglect because neglect is a life threatening experience).

I like to make this clear because possum behaviors SEEM smaller than watch dog behaviors.  The possum shuts down and gets smaller and smaller and smaller.  Less and less and less energy and arousal.  The watch dog gets bigger and bigger and bigger- the watch dog gets our attention.

Possums sometimes slide under the radar- especially if you have a possum AND a watch dog in your family.

Possum behaviors feel less scary but can feel MORE frustrating.

It’s hard to understand being ignored.  The spacey eyes.  The forgetfulness.  Parents of possums need to be regularly reminding themselves that possums are terrified.  They need lots and lots and lots of connection and felt-safety.

The alert possum is just starting to shut down.  This possum might look bored or a little ‘flat’ in the eyes and face.

The alarmed possum can become OVERcompliant (weird that this is a problem right?  But overcompliance is actually pretty dangerous outside the safety of your family).  The alarmed possum can sometimes feel robotic- they tend to say ‘Yes!’ a lot and just do what they are told- without even thinking (again, I know that sometimes this doesn’t seem like a problem but it is.  It’s a pretty unsafe behavior AND shows us that the brain is realllllly afraid).

The fear possum is starting to show body signs of collapse.  Arm and legs lose their energy.  They are slouched over.  They are forgetful, can’t complete tasks that you are confident they know how to do.  They might be using dissociative behaviors- totally immersion in a book or video game or television.

And the terror possum is in complete collapse.  This could be as severe as fainting or falling asleep.

Here’s the most important part!!!

The MOST IMPORTANT TIP when parenting a child in their possum brain is to offer up lots and lots of felt-safety.  I know that it is so frustrating to parent a child in their possum brain but it’s important to stay regulated and connected.  Imagine trying to hurry up a collapsed possum, or fussing at them to “JUST THINK.”  Or my favorite (speaking from experience here, dear ones) tell a possum that “If you would just DO IT instead of procrastinating and fussing, it would be DONE BY NOW!!”

Patience.  Connection.  Boundaries.

A drink and a snack (for real).

Maybe a little bit of movement.

Patience. Connection. Boundaries.  Appropriate expectations.

Parenting a kid in the possum brain is waaaay less about strategies and waaaaaay more about parenting with coregulation and looking for opportunities to create felt-safety.

I know.  It’s really frustrating.

I have a two-page infographic that will help you know what you are looking for with these different levels of arousal in both the watch dog and the possum brain.  When you can recognize behaviors as a cue or a clue that your child is in a certain level of watch dog or possum brain, you’ll increase your compassion, patience, and ability to be helpful.

If you snagged the infographic from Part 1 of this 2-part series on watch dog and possum brains, it’s the same one- you don’t need to sign up again because you already have it!

But if you didn’t get it yet…

Thanks for coming along on this watch dog and possum journey 😊  It’s been fun!!!  I hope to see you back here soon!

Robyn

PS Oh yeah!!! If you haven’t read part 1, you can read it by CLICKING HERE.

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!