Honesty in Adoption. Even when it’s hard.

I sat down to write a blog post about stories.

Specifically about helping kids understand and get connected to THEIR story.

Even the crummy parts.  Devastating parts.  Traumatic and tragic parts.

The blog was…let’s just say….no good.

I couldn’t even think straight.

My mind story is jumbly.

So I deleted the whole thing and started again.

This is what I want to tell you…

I’m in therapist discussion groups where people are still discussing if kids should know they are adopted.

Before I transitioned to a new website and dropped off some of my oldest blog articles, one very popular search that brought people to my blog was “When do I tell me child they are adopted” and “Should I tell my child they are adopted.”

Stories have been my favorite way to connect.  It’s interesting because I’m not inherently gifted at crafting a coherent story.  But stories and words and narrative…ALWAYS my favorite.  I used to skip recess to stay indoors to write stories.  In 3rd grade.

I know that sometimes it is very hard to help our kids grapple with the details of their story.  How much to tell?  Do we tell? What if they don’t really remember?  Why remind them?  Why bring up hard stuff?  Let’s focus on the good!

Tragedy always precedes a child’s need to have a new family.  Always.

Some of the tragedy involves things that feel realllllly uncomfortable to talk about.  With kids.  Abuse.  Rape.  Abandonment.

Some of the tragedy seems to feel a little less uncomfortable, but in a way, the less uncomfortable topics are almost more uncomfortable.  Poverty doesn’t seem quite as uncomfortable as abuse, but then…how do we explain that it led to the loss of their parents?

And then there’s the million dollar question of….do we really need to tell kids these things?

Yes.

The answer is yes.

Unequivocably yes.

There is no room for negotiation here.

And I have the science to prove it.

Then the next question is….HOW do we do this?

This question is a little more complicated but not even close to impossible to answer.

We tell children their story with honesty, transparency, and authenticity.

Lot’s of attunement.

And after we as the adults have worked out our own issues related to their story (though this isn’t a pass to delay telling the story- it’s an invitation to work out those issues as fast as possible).

If we don’t work out of our issues first, our children’s story becomes about us.

Our children need their story.

I know it’s hard to know how to give it to them.

I can help you 😊 Because it’s actually really not that complicated.  I know it FEELS extremely complicated.  I get it.

But it’s not.

Promise.

Robyn