How Attachment Changes (Part 6 of 6) {EP 39}

Robyn: You are definitely going to want to head over to my website after the series is completed and get the free ebook that I had created all about the basics of attachment. So I took everything from this six part series, and had it professionally formatted into a free ebook. Watching the series go from the words that I wrote and spoke to you in this podcast into what feels like a work of art in this ebook was surprisingly lovely. And I hope that you love it. So go grab that ebook over at RobynGobbel.com/ebook. While you're on my website, then poke around and discover all the other free resources available. Be sure to check out The Club, a virtual community of connection, co-regulation and of course a little education for parents of kids impacted by trauma and all the professionals who support them. 

Robyn: Earlier this month, I released a brand new feature into The Club. Now all of The Club content masterclasses, Q&A, guest presenters, everything that happens in The Club on live video, now has the audio uploaded into a private podcast that just for Club members. This has been a huge hit, which is what I'd hoped. It's making the content so much more accessible. And for parents of kids with a history of trauma and people who are stressed out and spread too thin, I'm constantly looking for ways to how can I make this easier for them to access. And so far the private podcast feed and the audio like right at their fingertips, just like this podcast that you're listening to, except for that it's only for Club members, has been a huge, huge, huge hit. The Club opens for new members approximately every three months. And if you're listening to this podcast when it airs in June of 2021, The Club is reopening June 29 through July 6. If you've loved this series on attachment, you will definitely love what's in store for you in The Club in the coming months. For attachment to truly change, it needs to move from what I would call like this left brain learning, right? Like what we've been doing here. Me teaching and you taking the content in, right? And it needs to move from that into a more embodied, like whole brain body experience. And this happens best and a dynamic, active experience. Because as you'll hear in this episode, attachment shifts when we receive what was needed to be seen, and safe, soothed, and secure. So even though The Club is a virtual, that's exactly what we're doing with each other. Being seen, safe, soothed, and secure. Then we can offer that to our kids. One Club member recently said to me that feeling alone, and the stress, and overwhelm of parenting a kid with complex trauma has been traumatic. And this member added that they've been finding healing for themselves in The Club by feeling seen, and heard, and validated. Even though they came to The Club for their child's healing. And this is exactly why I created The Club. I mean, unfortunately, I'm just painfully aware that there aren't near enough resources available for parents of kids impacted by trauma. The Club fills just a little bit of that gap. You can read all about The Club and grab a spot on the waiting list at RobynGobbel.com/TheClub. 

Robyn: All right, so part six, here we go, what do we do now? Right? If you've listened to the first five parts, you are probably asking this question like, ‘okay, now what? What do we actually do? How do we change insecure attachment’? I know I've really emphasized in this series that insecure attachment is protective. Even when we full, fully lean into this truth, which is somewhat ironic, because what we need to do is lean into the truth that it's protective, if we ever want it to change. So there's this way that we have to have gratitude, and be okay actually with it not changing if we want it to change, right? But even when we can do that, like even when we can fully lean into this truth, that atta- insecure attachment is protective, right? We can still feel into the sense that there's something missing, right? That there's this longing, and a sadness that continues when needs go unseen and unmet. Or a longing and a sadness that's just covered up by the behaviors of insecure attachment. That unfortunately, often tend to perpetuate the expectations of insecure attachment, instead of the hopes. And if this is the first part of the series you're catching, if you haven't listened to parts one through five, that's a theme that's covered a lot: expectation versus hope. So in this final episode of the series, what could happen if we actually thought less about how to change attachment, even though that's what I titled it, right? What if we thought less about how to change attachment, and more about how we can stay connected to the ways that insecure attachment was first developed. So what we've learned is that in those moments, where insecure attachment was being- was developing, something was needed, but not received, right? And that something was to be seen, safe, soothed, and secure, right? To be seen, safe, soothed, and secure are needs. And we don't get the things we need, we develop all sorts of interesting tactics to go about getting that need met. We really remain focused on the short game, not the long game. And that contributes to behaviors, that ultimately aren't helpful in the long run, being perpetuated. So what if instead of focusing on changing attachment, we thought more about what was needed, and the moments that insecure patterns of attachment started to form, but not received. If we stay focused on that, we may be able to stay curious and open to ways that help that person or even ourselves receive what they need and are hoping for, but not what they are expecting. It probably doesn't come as a surprise at this point in this series. But helping kids move from insecure to more secure ways of being with attachment always starts, of course, with our own experiences and attachment. 

Robyn: Remember, one of the characteristics of secure attachment and caregivers is that they have what I call x-ray vision goggles, right? They can see beneath behavior and respond to the need, not the behavior. They can make sense of the child's behavior without personalizing it. One way to help our children begin to shift into more security and attachment is to really, really, really practice putting on those x-ray vision goggles. And research actually really supports this that regardless of our own history of attachment, if we can get really good at those x-ray vision goggles and seeing beneath the child's behavior, really seeing the need that's being expressed through the behavior, that that matters. That that begins to shift our kids and actually it begins to shift ourselves. This is why I'm just so, so, so passionate about teaching kids to understand what's really, truly underneath behavior, right? For so many parents, making sense of that behavior and truly understanding the underlying neurobiology is a really fast path towards developing that x-ray vision. It's faster than shifting our neurobiology into more secure attachment neurobiology. In which your x-ray vision is a byproduct of that, right? Focusing first, on the x-ray vision, this seeing beneath behavior tends to be a little bit faster path. I've also found that understanding what's underneath a child's behavior helps caregivers stay more present and regulated in the moments of those difficult behaviors. Right? Even if the caregiver still has no idea what to do about it, you know they can- if they can understand why it's happening, here, governors tend to stay more regulated, they can more easily depersonalize that behavior and remain in more of a compassionate state. So that means that they're probably way less likely to respond in a way that escalates the situation. But it also means that they're remaining grounded, and present, and compassionate in the face of that dysregulated behavior. Which that, in and of itself, is an intervention. Staying grounded, present, and compassionate in the face of dysregulated behavior. Even if you still have no idea what to do about it, is an intervention, because it changes our children's neurobiology. I think that's pretty cool. I think that's pretty cool. Because so often, I hear from parents like, ‘yeah, this is all really great information. But I still don't know what to do’. And I get that, like, I get that helpless feeling of, I get all this, but I still have absolutely no idea what to do. And that might be true, right? And there's times where I have absolutely no idea what to do. But in the face of having absolutely no idea what to do if I can stay grounded and connected to myself and not dysregulated. That in and of itself is an intervention. It changes the neurobiology of the person that we're with. But then if we do want to get a little more like okay, but what do we do? Something to think about is what was needed at the time, but not received? So if insecure attachment means something was needed, but not received. And we talked about that in the individual episodes, we talked about what was needed, but not received in anxious attachment, and in avoidant attachment, and in disorganized attachment. Then healing insecure attachment means giving now what was needed then. 

Robyn: So let's go through all three of them briefly. So children with anxious attachment, needed a caregiver who could stay present, not get entangled and enmeshed with their dysregulation, and become dysregulated themselves, right? Remember that Venn diagram from part three: insecure anxious attachment? That- the Venn diagram of that representation had so much overlap, right? That the child's distress and the caregivers distress emerge too much. Kids with anxious attachment haven't had the opportunity to develop as much internalized co-regulation, and they also don't trust that they can rely on themselves to be okay. So these kids need caregivers who can be with their dysregulation without rescuing them from it or merging with them in it. They also need support and encouragement to discover who they really are, like, what their likes and their dislikes are, their preferences. Because in order to be okay, insecure anxious attachment prioritizes figuring out what other people like and dislike, how to make other people be okay. Because if they can regulate that other person, they're going to be more likely to be okay too. 

Robyn: Kids with more avoidant attachment, developed that avoidant attachment because they had a caregiver who struggled to stay really present and embodied with their whole self. So what they need then, is a caregiver who can remain fully emotionally present and embodied, right? Allowing some of that child's distress to resonate in their body. Remember that Venn diagram back in avoidant attachment part four. The child's distress and the caregivers distress- like they don't resonate enough, right? There's not a big enough, embodied wee space between the two. Children with avoidant attachment have learned to over rely on what we could call auto regulation as opposed to co-regulation or self regulation. I first heard this term autoregulation from Stan Tatkin who does a lot of work in applying the neurobiology attachment to couples counseling and working with couples in the clinical setting. So sometimes this byproduct of avoidant attachment is that the child's- doesn't- didn't have enough experiences of co-regulation, to then ultimately develop true self regulation, which is just internalized co-regulation. So they've developed this- this way of regulating through autoregulation. They've like- they cope with their own internal distress by kind of avoiding it or ignoring it, right? And so instead of relying on co-regulation, to cope with their own internal distress, they figured out their own way to deal with it. It's just really not true self regulation, since self regulation is developed after repeated experiences of co-regulation. So kids with avoidant attachment then need caregivers who can be with their dysregulation. But here's the catch. Oftentimes, these kids aren't even showing their dysregulation. So they need caregivers who can be with their dysregulation, even though they aren't demonstrating a lot of external dysregulation and need caregivers who are offering lots of presence, compassion, co-regulation, and attunement. These- these are caregivers you can recognize that the miscue from circle security the miscue have avoidant attachment, is to look cool, calm, and collected like they don't have any emotional needs. So the caregivers, these caregivers need to really, really lean into trusting in kind of this the basic truth of being human that kids have emotional needs. Even if they aren't demonstrating them. And then these kids also need help recognizing their own sensations and feelings, as well as the feelings and sensations of others. Because of the neurobiology of avoidant attachment, kids with avoidant attachment often really struggle to even notice that they're having sensations and feelings. And therefore they're not very good at noticing the feelings of other people. And they really need help in order to do that. 

Robyn: Kids with disorganized attachment, develop these pockets of disorganization because of having experiences with a caregiver, who was mean, weak, or gone. And again, I'm referring back to circle security language. So kids who have pockets of disorganized attachment, they now need a caregiver who isn't mean, weak, or gone. Right? These kids have internalized the disorganization and the chaos of their caregivers’ nervous system. The caregiver that was mean, weak, or gone. And this internalization of the chaos is what is now causing the child's bizarre, chaotic, confusing behaviors. So these kids need caregivers who can stay present and regulated, particularly in the face of the child's activated like disorganization. So as the child moves into their own kind of internal chaos, which then presents as some of these hardest, most bizarre, baffling behaviors. And caregivers who can stay really present and grounded and regulated, which of course doesn't mean calm, right? Regulated does not mean calm. Check out the previous podcast with guest Lisa Dion to explore that concept. More for- you know, more further? Isn't the right language. That's not the right grammar. That doesn't sound right, you can explore that idea more in depth. If you check out that podcast with guest, Lisa Dion, how regulated and calm are not the same thing. And then these children also need caregivers who can see that it's the child's internal disorganization that's causing the difficult behavior they really need. Caregivers have very strong clear x-ray vision goggles. Because when kids start acting in ways that match their internal disorganization, it's very, very easy for caregivers to get dysregulated themselves and then make all sorts of judgments about why the child is acting that way. And then that causes the caregiver to get dysregulated of course too. I mean, this is- it's so clear why this happens and there's no judgment towards, you know, those of us engaging in this cycle. It's so clear why it happens. And if we can, what is helpful to our children with pockets of disorganization is being able to see what's underneath that behavior. See that disorganization that's causing this very, very, very definitely- difficult behavior. And then the caregiver staying as present and regulated as possible. The- the what's needed for disorganized attachment is actually very simple and clear. But of course, extremely, extremely challenging. Yes. 

Robyn: So let's talk a little about the concept of rupture and repair, because that is another really important piece of ch- changing or healing insecure attachment. I think one of the most fascinating aspects of attachment research is that children who develop insecure attachment actually insecure- insecure anxious and insecure avoidant attachment actually receive initially approximately the same amount of attunement from their caregivers as kids who develop secure attachment. So the experiences of kids who develop secure attachment and develop insecure anxious or avoidant, the organized ones, their initial experience and how much attunement and presence and co-regulation they they get from their caregivers actually approximately the same. The difference then and what seems to contribute to kids, you know, developing secure attachment versus kids developing insecure, but the organized parts of attachment. Is that kids who go on to develop secure attachment tend to have caregivers whose experiences and secure attachment themselves make it more likely and possible, that they're capable of offering the repair to their child that the child needs when there's been a rupture in their relationship. So caregivers with secure attachment themselves notice when they've fallen out of synchrony and attunement with their child. And they can regulate through that rupture themselves, and take a step into the dance of repair. It's so brave and so vulnerable to repair with someone after there's been a rupture in the relationship. And it's especially brave and vulnerable to do this with our children. So what if learning the art of repair? What if learning how to notice the rupture, how to be brave through the vulnerable- vulnerability of taking that step towards repair could lead to more secure attachment, in not only your child, but in yourself? So the really cool answer and probably the obvious answer, that's not surprising to you at this point, is that it can do that it does do that. I know that this simple truth and learning about the rupture repair process has brought so much relief to the families that I work with, and so much relief to myself. When we can really get clear that we're not aiming for perfection. We're not aiming for always parenting our kids in quote unquote, exactly the way that they need. What we're aiming for is to notice when things have gone awry, and then to be able to repair with our child. I mean, there's hardly an experience that creates a bigger moment of feeling seen and known than having somebody else notice that your relationship is off. Right? But something's not right. And then that they're willing to do something to make it right. I mean, that is so powerful. It's such an experience of being safe, seen, soothed, and secure. 

Robyn: Healing attachment has absolutely nothing to do with being a perfect parent. What kids need is for their parents to put on their w-ray vision goggles, as often as possible so that they can see their child who is hiding behind this behavior. They need parents who can see their true selves, just this imperfectly perfect child who is struggling in that moment. What kids need is for parents to be regulated themselves enough, as often as they can, right? That they can provide the co-regulation and soothing that the child needs not 100% of the time, just enough. What kids need is for their parents to repair when things have gone awry. You need their parents to see that the relationship has ruptured, and then be brave enough to make that repair. And finally, what kids really need is for parents to practice their own self compassion, because self compassion leads to a more secure state of mind in the caregiver. A more secure state of mind makes it easier to put on those x-ray vision goggles, see beneath behavior, soothe dysregulation, and make the repair when needed. And because all of those things are true about what kids need, and what kids need most is parents who have a solid practice of self compassion. When all that means is that you have stumbled into exactly the right place. Because that's what I'm all about. That's what this podcast is all about. That's what my blog is all about. It's about creating a space where you're discovering that you are worthy of self compassion. So if you went to my blog, you would find so much that speaks to that. Some of it directly, but some of it really indirectly, right? Just in how I write. If you keep listening to this podcast, you're going to discover that you're in a place, this podcast, that believes with 100%, that you are worthy of self compassion. So if you're new here, I hope you keep listening. I hope you keep listening, because that's exactly why I do what I do. To create a space where you will learn about what's underneath your child's challenging behaviors. So that you can put on those x-ray vision goggles, and then read their real need, right? And this is also a place where you could go even deeper than you wanted, right? Like if you're reading the blog, and you're listening to the podcast, and you're like, ‘oh, this is great, but I really want to go deeper’. I have that for you, too. Right? Like I have this really really in depth parent course, Parenting After Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain. Where, through that course, you become the expert at putting on those x-ray vision goggles. You learn how to respond based on how dysregulated your child really is. And you learn how to repair, both with yourself and your child. Right? 

Robyn: And then there's The Club, right? A space where you can go even deeper. Where you get- where you as the parent, get what you need, so that you can give the child what they need. And this is true for parents, and caregivers, professionals, right? All of us who love and care for these kids, we also need more connection and more co-regulation. Like I got to be really good at my job of supporting families of kids with huge, big baffling behaviors. Because I got what I needed outside those experiences, right? Like outside the office, outside my job, I got the connection and co-regulation that I needed to shore up my nervous system, so that I could then be with these kids and with these families. And so that's what The Club is. The Club is this virtual community for parents and professionals, for kids with histories of trauma. So that your nervous system can get the connection and co-regulation that you need in order to then give your kids what they need. Y'all know that kids with a history of trauma have big, baffling behaviors that are so overwhelming to parents. It's lonely, and isolating, and just hard. And The Club, then, is this place I've created to be a place where you get to be really seen and known, right? It's a place where you can undo your own aloneness. It's a place where you can give and receive the connection and co-regulation that you need. So you can be the parent you want to be. And what I have discovered in my study of the relational neurosciences, in my own work as a client and in my own work as a therapist is that both parts are important. The giving and the receiving. Being in a space in which both are present, opportunities to give connection and co-regulation and opportunities to receive connection, and co-regulation. 

Robyn: So if this sounds like something that you want to check out, The Club welcomes new members approximately every three months. And we're opening again at the very, very end of June, moving into July. And then you know, kind of on a three month basis from there depending on when you're listening to this podcast. So you can head over to the website, RobynGobbel.com/TheClub. You can read about The Club, you can read about when it's opening next, you can read tons of testimonials. Right? So RobynGobbel.com/TheClub, and I'll make sure there's a live link in the show notes as well. 

Robyn: And then oh my gosh, don't forget what I told you at the very beginning of this episode. Right? I had this six part series that we're just wrapping up right now. I had the six part series crafted into this gorgeous free ebook that you'll be able to download over at RobynGobbel.com/ebook. And I really truly am seriously just so excited to get this ebook into your hands. And then I'm super excited to hear what you think about it. My friend and colleague Alicia Bidwell, who is just brilliantly talented, and all the things. Like she's a brilliantly talented therapist. She's an amazing mom. She really embodies all that we are working to embody here in this podcast. And she's got this brilliant eye for design, which y'all, I do not have at all. So I asked Alicia like will you- will you help me? Can I hire you to put this series into this beautiful book that can be downloaded? And she said yes. And oh my gosh, I'm so glad I asked her because y'all, it's beautiful. She knocked it out of the park and I really want you to see it RobynGobbel.com/ebook. 

Robyn: In next week's episode, I'm going to be introducing you to my colleague, mentor and friend Bonnie Badenoch. What I've learned from Bonnie, what my head- what my like skull brain has learned from body and what my nervous system has experienced in my relationship with Bonnie have been absolutely crucial, integral pieces of my own journey. In my own healing, and shifting of my own nervous system so that I can show up and do this work for you that I do. So I'm super excited to introduce you to Bonnie. And we're going to talk about what my journey was like, and hear about it from both our perspectives. I'm also really excited to kind of hear what her perspective was and what she even remembers. 

Robyn: As always, thank you, thank you, thank you! For taking the time to connect with me and for caring for kids impacted by trauma. I am so grateful for you. Please keep coming back. Keep doing all the amazing work you're doing out there in the world. And then take a moment to share this podcast with your colleagues, your friends, grandparents, teachers, anyone and everyone who needs this information. The sooner the whole world understands the neurobiology of being relationally, socially, and behaviorally human, the sooner our kids are going to be able to live in a world that sees them for who they really are: completely amazing. Sometimes struggling and yeah, y'all, sometimes struggling a lot. Thanks for tuning in today and I will be back with you next week.