How to Advocate for Our Kids at School {EP 58}

Robyn: As always, today's episode is sponsored by The Club, a virtual community of connection, co-regulation, and of course, a little education for parents of kids impacted by trauma. The Club is full of the most amazing, amazing parents and professionals. I've honestly, y’all, I've never seen anything like this. And it's far exceeded my expectations or hopes or imaginings, of what The Club was going to become. The way that Club members just continue to show up for each other and themselves. It's just gone way past what I thought was possible. If you need to feel seen, to be gotten, and understood. We would love, love, love to have you. The Club is going to open for new members next in, I think probably, February of 2022. If you head over to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub, you'll be able to add yourself to the waiting list and then you'll be the first to know when we open our doors again. If you feel like you need support now and you just can't wait to join The Club, that makes perfect sense. You can hop into my fully self paced digital course Parenting After Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain. You can start working through that course immediately access it at RobynGobbel.com/ParentCourse.

Robyn: Y'all, I actually had another series planned for the remainder of 2021. But what my guests were talking about and the interviews that I was doing, and then what the parents are talking about in The Club prompted me to change course and dedicate the rest of 2021 to a series about schooling, education, trauma, and the nervous system. School and schooling has always been a really big one for the families that I work with. Some kids with vulnerable nervous systems just thrive in the structure of school. They do well with like the less intimate relational demands, and can feel regulated by the daily routine and really clear expectations about what's about to happen next. Some kids with really vulnerable nervous systems end up feeling pretty chronically dysregulated at school, and then this, of course, largely results in the behaviors that the schools just don't know how to navigate. And quickly, the child is in a pretty vicious cycle of dysregulation, negative behavior, school response, increased dysregulation, increased challenging behavior, increased school response, increased dysregulation, right? And rinse and repeat here.

Robyn: If you're new to this podcast, I want to reassure you, before we go any further, that this podcast will take the same no shame, no blame stance as all of my previous episodes, because that's- that's who I am, like, that's what I embody. And that's what it means to be to deeply, deeply understand the relational neurosciences and our nervous system. We're simply looking at behavior and making sense of them without judgment. All behaviors adaptive and make sense to that individual's nervous system at that moment based on what they're experiencing, and neuroceiving, and how they make sense of what they're experiencing, and neuroceiving, which is completely subjective, and based on that person's billions of previous experiences. So for more science, I'm not going to go into that concept any further today. But for more science on that, and how our behavior is actually adaptive in the moment, given that person's nervous system, which certainly doesn't mean that our behavior is good or that we shouldn't feel pretty motivated to change some particularly challenging behavior. But in the moment, based on what that person is experiencing on the state of their own nervous system, in that moment, all behavior makes sense is adaptive. So to learn more about that concept, you can head to a previous podcast episode or blog article at RobynGobbel.com/maladaptive. It's one of the earlier podcast episodes, if you're on your podcast app, just kind of scroll back to the first handful of episodes, and you'll find it there.

Robyn: But, y'all, if I'm going to sit here and say that all behavior is adaptive, all behavior makes sense in that moment. Now, that certainly doesn't mean all behavior is adaptive for that person's, like, experience in the world and their relationships, or all that kind of stuff. But in that particular moment in which that behavior occurs, how a person's nervous system believes that that behavior is adaptive and appropriate. So when I anchor myself into that truth, and I, you know, really, really believe that, I believe that about adult behavior too. So while sometimes we might talk about- talk on this podcast about both kids and adults, including myself, behaving in a way that we might call badly. It is always, always through the lens of curiosity and compassion, and never judgment. Behavior, y’all, it's just information. We can get curious about what it means and definitely, sometimes we have to set a boundary about it. Because simply because we understand behavior, and believe it all makes sense, doesn't mean we allow or tolerate behavior that's harmful or crosses boundaries. I've talked about that a lot. You can scroll back and look in the podcast or head to my blog, about you know, a recent episode was called I think, What About A Consequence? One of my first episodes was called Boundaries With Connection. So I talked about this concept a lot.

Robyn: So, okay, here we are, it's the fall, it's October. And this makes sense. Usually about mid October, the conversation in my office with my clients becomes more about schools. The child's behavior at school, and the frustration on how the school is responding, or maybe even provoking the behavior. Right? We've settled in it's fall, right? We've been in school for a little bit now. Things are starting to kind of chug along which can, for many kids, mean increased behaviors, but also mid-October is when we start to have, you know, a never ending, it seems like parade of special events at school and it starts with Halloween. And then we find ourselves in a season of increased days off school holidays, special events, parties, treats, sugar. Just generally speaking, lots of not sure what's about to happen next experiences, right? So there's a lot of reasons why this time of year can bring about more dysregulation. And that's definitely one of them. 

Robyn: So again, it's this time of year where I started to spend more time on the phone with schools, meetings get scheduled, and I'm sending off resources to the ones who are expressing interest in curiosity and learning more. But let's just name a truth here at what's still kind of the beginning of this episode, the families I work with have to navigate a lot of school personnel: teachers, admin, support staff who aren't really behaving in a way that suggests that they are curious or interested in learning more, right? And then what happens is that, regretfully, these become adults who are behaving in a way that could be called rigid, controlling, and really even scary to our kids. Again, y'all remember, this is a no shame, no blame zone. I am not using words like rigid, controlling, or scary as judgmental words. They're just descriptions that describe the state of the nervous system, and ultimately, the behaviors that emerge from them. And that's happening- that happens in adults, too, right? When I'm working with adults who are behaving in controlling and rigid ways, I really work hard to remind myself that those are behaviors of a brain in protection mode. Person's nervous system is not experiencing felt safety and they've moved out of our brains, kind of, default connection mode and into protection mode. Defensiveness, rigidity, control, those are all behaviors of protection mode. And a lot of the times, we're looking at those behaviors through the lens of our children. And today, we're just going to be thinking about them through the lens of grownups, and educators, and parents too. Right? Curiosity, compassionate boundaries, flexibility, those are all behaviors of a brain and nervous system in what I call connection mode. And if you're pretty new to the podcast, and you're like, what protection mode, connection mode? I, of course, have a podcast about that too, scroll back, it's called Connection or Protection. And on the web, you can find it at RobynGobbel.com/ConnectionOrProtection. And that really will give you a framework for this concept of these two different, kind of, modes of the nervous system. Connection mode, or- or protection mode. 

Robyn: And, y’all, educators right now are living in protection mode. They're stressed. They're at times literally unsafe. And if they aren't literally unsafe, they aren't neuroceiving that lack of safety. And maybe they're not phys- being like physically attacked, although sometimes they are, they're being verbally attacked, right? They're understaffed, and overworked. Some are still trying to figure out how to do both virtual teaching and in person teaching at the same time. They're worried about their students. Students are missing, like there are so many vulnerable students in the United States, and I know that a lot of you aren't listening from the United States it’s just- of course, what I know most about is United States. But there are literally students that educators are missing, you know, like students from previous years, or like, where did this family go? Right? They are living in almost a chronic state of crisis. And this is now our third year of COVID school. Right? Teachers are working in districts where parents are actually being arrested for assault of the teacher. Being a teacher is a hard task in the best of times, and we are nowhere close to the best of times. Nowhere close. And kids and parents are also spending a lot of time in protection mode in their nervous systems. So that means teachers are in protection with themselves surrounded by other people in production mode. And, guess what happens when we create a system full of people in protection mode? We see behaviors of control, rigidity, and lack of flexibility. Relational behaviors emerge from connection mode, from feeling safe, connected, and regulated. And it's just plain hard to feel safe and regulated right now. 

Robyn: Okay, so now that we've brought some understanding and compassion for our teachers a little bit back online, what do we do next? Because you might be thinking like, yep, my kids’ teachers and admins are understandably stressed and they're running on fumes. But my kid’s behavior is escalating, the punishments escalating, and they're getting more dysregulated. So it's causing worse behavior, not better. Maybe you're thinking I'm about to lose my job because I keep having to take time off of work to go to the school. Maybe you're just bone weary. That you're still having to advocate against systems like token behavior management systems. Honestly, it really is hard to understand why after all these years of clear evidence that those kinds of systems are harmful and don't work, they're still being used, right? Yes, of course, you're weary of this.

Robyn: What do we do next? Well, in some ways, my answer to that is, I don't know. But in some ways, my answer to that is, here's what I do know and here's what I'm gonna offer you. So first, I have a lineup of guests in the coming kind of, I think, six weeks of episodes that are going to bring compassion, care, and understanding to all sides of this, all sides. Kids, parents, and of course, our educators. One of my upcoming guests is Lori Desautels, author of several books, but the one I know best is called Connections Over Compliance, and it's written for educators. She says in the interview that I- that Lori and I did together, that educators are crisis schooling right now. Maybe actually, what she said was crisis educating. I don't- I don't totally remember. But you get my point, right? Many, if not most of our educators have been crisis educating for years, way before the pandemic. Due to lack of funding, under resourced, overcrowded classrooms. Now, again, they're in their third year, third school year, of COVID school. And yes, this is a crisis. Very rarely do we have an experience where the folks whose job it is basically- basically to kind of like hold the world together. Folks like health care workers, educators, mental health workers. Very rarely do we have an experience where those folks are experiencing the exact same crisis in the exact same time as the people that they are serving. Co-experiencing a crisis with the people you're supposed to be regulated enough to hold their crisis is straight up traumatic. I'm more in touch with how this is impacting our mental health workers who are burned out. they're quitting, and at times providing sub optimal care, because their own nervous systems are so frayed that they don't even realize how afraid they are because it's become our baseline. It's become our new normal. And I assume that this exact scenario is playing out with our educators. Burned out, quitting, and at times, providing sub optimal care. Now, and remember, y'all, this is no blame, no shame. These are just descriptions of the behaviors that are happening. A nervous system on a chronic state of crisis isn't capable of providing optimal care. Right? So the normal and adaptive responses are leading the way. Control, rigidity, inflexibility, judgment, and punishment. Because those are behaviors that may emerge from a nervous system and chronic protection mode.

Robyn: So you're listening and you're a parent or mental health worker and you're wondering, or maybe even an educator. Yeah, yeah, I know. There are lots of educators who have been listening. And you're wondering, okay, but what do I do? Right? How do I connect with the child's teacher or the admins, because what's happening to my child or my client, you know, the controlling, the rigid systems, a punitive approach to change your behavior, the lack of compassion, the suspensions, the everything. It's just not okay. Right? So, what do we do? Well, I'm going to give you just a little bit of what you can do. And luckily, it matches everything we talked about in this podcast and everything you read on my blog, and you get through my trainings, and if you've taken Parenting After Trauma, it's in there too. Right? You're gonna lead with the same skills that you lead with when you want to connect and offer co-regulation to your child who's nervous system has moved into protection mode, right? So that means, first of all, we're going to tend to our own nervous systems, first. Acknowledge your very real and righteous feelings, right? Feelings of frustration, maybe even anger, maybe hopelessness. And you're going to notice those, acknowledge them as real, give yourself compassion, take a breath, and then apply the science of safety to the teacher. Their behavior lets us know that they're stressed and in protection mode. Approach them with curiosity, and a genuine and I truly mean genuine, and if you can't muster up genuine, you need to pause longer until you can. A genuine spirit of connection and teamwork. Be clear that you see them and their struggles, and then offer to help and offer to help in a way that doesn't add more to their already packed days, more to their workload, right? So this could be an email. That sounds something like, “dear teacher, I know you have so much going on. And this email is now one more thing for you to attend to you. I can't even imagine how you're juggling everything you're juggling right now. I wanted to send a quick note about Sam. He's definitely struggling to stay regulated at school, which we see in his behavior when he's rude, sassy, refuses to work, distracts the class, walks out, calls you names”, whatever it is that your kid is getting in trouble for. “I'm on the same page as you in that I definitely want Sam's behavior to change so that he can learn and you can do your job. I really understand the urge to punish Sam for his behavior, because sometimes the behavior is so confusing, baffling, overwhelming, frustrating”, whatever word. “I sometimes don't know what else to do, either. And then I moved towards punishment too. Unfortunately, I've learned the hard way that not only does that not work, but it usually makes things worse. I'd love to con- to work together with you. Because I want as much as you do for Sam's behaviors to get better, not worse. How could I best support you? Would you like a meeting or would it be easier on your time and schedule if I just email over a few resources that have been really helpful to me in understanding Sam's behavior, and in responding in a way that decreases those behaviors?”

Robyn: Now, some of you are like, oh, my gosh, pause, rewind, like, I need to listen to this again, how do I get that? So let me just tell you, don't bother pausing going back, trying to memorize the little script I just gave. I'm going to put it up in the extended show notes that I end up publishing on my blog. So you're just going to head over to my blog, and go to RobynGobbel.com/SchoolAdvocacy, and I'll put that script there. So that you can kind of look at the little key points in it, and then shift and adapt it to match your situation and what's going on with you. But here's a couple things you've heard in that, you know, kind of imaginary email communication. 

Robyn: One, really clear to the teacher that you want the same thing, right? You want the behavior to get better. Two, use tons of empathy, compassion, and statements that communicate things like, of course. Like, of course you want to punish. That's what I want to do a lot of the times too, right? Of course, and that makes so much sense to me are words of connection, and they're words that decrease protection mode in the brain. And then set a boundary. Unfortunately, I've learned punishments don't work and often make things worse. That's the boundary. Right? Of course, it makes perfect sense to me that we want to punish and we are hoping that that's going to solve the problem, and unfortunately, I've learned punishments don't work and often make things worse. Compassion, empathy, and then a boundary.

Robyn: What you say after that is gonna really depend on the response that you get. You know, my experience working with teachers, is that they chose a career dedicated to kids for a reason. They love kids, and they want to have good relationships with them and they want their job to be more fun, right? So when teachers feel seen, and not attacked, or blamed, when they feel a partnership with parents instead of an adversarial one, you know? Remember, y'all, that there are literally teachers in the United States who have been assaulted physically by parents and the incidence of verbal assaults are even higher. So if you really pause and step back and think about this, teachers are afraid and they're defended right now, their nervous system, right? We want to give their nervous system an opportunity to shift into connection mode, just like we do for our kids. And then you know what emerges from connection mode of our nervous system? Things like curiosity, flexibility, and compassionate boundaries. 

Robyn: Ultimately, those are the things that you're hoping you're- that the teacher will be able to bring to their relationship with your kid. Right? Now, I'm not an educator, and I spend very little like, no time in schools. Like literally, I've not really been in a school since I was a student. Right? So it really isn't my place to talk terribly much about schools, teachers, advocating for both your child and their teacher. And their child- their- your child's teacher really does deserve a safe and regulated place to spend their days. This is their job. They spend the vast majority of their time there and, yes, they deserve to have a safe and regulated space to go to at work. 

Robyn: But like I said, I, you know, when it comes right down to it, I'm not the best person to really advocate for- for how to do this. So I've gathered those folks for you. In the coming weeks, I have so many amazing guests lined up for you. You're going to hear from Emily Daniels: education consultant, founder of the training and consulting agency Hear This Now, author of The Regulated Classroom and creator of the educator self toolkit. You're going to hear from Greg Santucci, occupational therapist extraordinaire who has decades of experience working with the schools and whose playful, compassionate, and grounded in science approach has taken the social media world by storm this past year. If you don't already follow Greg Santucci on Facebook, go do it. Lori Desautels: author of corre- Connections Over Compliance, she's assistant professor at Butler University in Indianapolis, creator of Butler's nine hour graduate certificate- certification in applied Educational Neuroscience, and founder of the Educational Neuroscience symposium. You're going to hear from Jim Sporleder, the former high school principal who you are probably familiar with from the documentary Paper Tigers. And holy smokes, if you're not familiar with Jim from Paper Tigers, go watch it now. Type in to Google “Paper Tigers”, and watch it. Jim is also the co-author of Heather Forbes- the co-author with Heather Forbes of The Trauma Informed School. And you're gonna hear from Julie Beam, executive director of The Attachment and Trauma Network, who- which offers so many services for all the grownups who are charged with caring for kids impacted by trauma, especially in including their trauma informed schools initiative, which includes their annual Creating Trauma Sensitive Schools conference, a trauma sensitive schools task force, and a trauma sensitive schools think tank. 

Robyn: So y'all, that's an amazing lineup. I cannot wait. I cannot wait to get these episodes to you. So if you haven't already subscribed to the Parenting After Trauma podcast, obviously, you want to do that now. These amazing guests will take us pretty close to the end of 2021. They're going to take us past this podcast's one year birthday! And these episodes are going to lead us into a well deserved winter break. So again, if you want to see the script for the email that I narrated earlier in the episode, and even just a longer summary, you know more than what the show notes offer of this episode, you can head over to RobynGobbell.com/SchoolAdvocacy. 

Robyn: As always, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for joining me today. Y'all exciting things are happening. If you want to grow your skills and supporting the parents, and yeah, even the teachers or other grownups, really anyone who works with our kids. Consider joining the inaugural year of Being With. An immersive, holistic program that's going to anchor you into the science, fill your toolbox with tools, and provide a safe container to explore your inner world. It's- actually that whole safe container to explore your inner world peace is really the most important piece of all. Head over to RobynGobbel.com/BeingWith to see all the details for that year long, immersive, holistic program, and for registration. I will see you next week with my first guest interview in this supporting our schools series.