We are always searching…and yearning…for connection {EP 28}

Robyn: I'm Robyn Gobbel, a psychotherapist with over 15 years of experience working with kids with complex trauma and their families. I'm also a self diagnosed brain geek and relationship freak. I study the brain kind of obsessively and teach the science of interpersonal neurobiology and a certificate program. I started this podcast 28 episodes ago with one primary goal: to get you free, easy to access support as fast as possible. So this podcast isn't fancy, I do very little editing. It's morning, and you'll almost certainly hear cockadoodledoo in the background. After you listen to this episode, be sure to head over to RobynGobbel.com/masterclass to watch a free video on the most important questions to ask ourselves when our kids are struggling. Is my child regulated, connected, feeling safe? It's 45 minutes packed full of heart and science, Robyn gobbel.com/masterclass.

Robyn: If connection is a biological imperative, that means we are always searching for and yearning for connection. Let me say that again. We are always searching for and yearning for connection. Our brains are continuously scanning everything. The environment, our bodies, the people we are with, to decide if we are safe or not. In fact, if you want to learn a little bit more about felt safety, go back to previous podcast episodes about the science of health safety there is an episode called Connection or Protection will help you kind of piece together this idea of felt safety. Part of how we decide if we're safe is if connection is available. So connection is actually our default. Meaning we assume connection, it's a given. Okay? So when connection is missing, our bodies start to get a bit stressed/ It's like getting a bit stressed when we're hungry. The stress puts our bodies into motion, so that we find food, right? It's the stress of mo- mobilization, it's the stress of, hey, do something to fix this problem, right? This is protective, it's not bad, it just gets us moving so that we can get our needs met. The stress of missing connection is the same. We search for it. We behave in ways to get people's attention. And interestingly enough, we often behave in ways that get people's attention, but not necessarily the kind of loving or connection based attention that we truly actually are looking for. Right? We might get a little bit whiny, our voice gets a little higher, our voice gets a little louder, our movements might get a little bit faster, a little bit more agitated, we get a little persistent, right? It's like, kind of waving our arms in the air and saying, “hey, hey, hey! Pay attention to me here”. Right? I need connection. Right? And what if we even switch those words around like, “hey, pay connection to me”, because that's really what we're yearning for, connection. 

Robyn: Think about the last time you took a phone call, or made a phone call or kind of buried your face in a Facebook social media posts, which, by the way, no judgment for me about that. I know that my face can get buried in social media, probably more than it should. And I promise promise, promise, promise it’s something I'm working on. Was someone in your family needing attention, or let's say connection, almost immediately when you did that? When your attention get diverted to something or someone else, all of a sudden, all the other humans who lives in your home need you right? Of course, it's true. When all of a sudden, you aren't available for connection, the other humans in your house can sniff that out just like a mile away. And then they come like running to you like a heat seeking missile, right? Like idea that connection is a biological imperative, meaning it's an innate part of who we are as a human, and we can't lose it, we need it to survive. It's important to hold on to this idea if you spend a lot of time with someone who seems to reject connection at every pass. Someone who behaves in a way that makes it seem as though the last thing they want is connection. 

Robyn: Those of you listening to this episode right now, my guess is you know, someone like that. It's very possible you parent someone like that, or I know there are so many amazing professionals listening to this podcast as well. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And thank you from all the parents who are listening, because I know they are so grateful that there are more parent professionals out there learning this information so that they can support them. Right? So my guess is if you're listening to this podcast, and whatever capacity as a parent, as a professional, you know, someone like that. Someone who seems that the last thing they want is connection. And you know what? This is exhausting. It is exhausting to care for somebody to parent somebody who behaves in a way. That seems as though the last thing that they would want is connection. It's exhausting. It's demoralizing. It brings up the feeling of hopelessness. Except it truly isn't hopeless. But I know it does feel hopeless. If connection is a biological imperative, believing in connection isn't hopeless. I know it feels hopeless. I really truly get that. I know it feels that way. I get that feeling of hopelessness in my bones. I know that feeling. But the hopelessness is actually just a symptom. 

Robyn: Hopelessness is what existed to set a person up to become someone who rejects, sabotages, or refuses connection. I'm going to say that part again. Hopelessness is what existed to set a person up to become someone who rejects, sabotages, or refuses connection. Your child who rejects connection to the point that you feel hopeless. That's actually a child who yearned for connection with such an intensity, but didn't find the connection that was needed with such frequency that they became hopeless. Hopelessness is a terrible, terrible way to feel. Being powerful enough to reject connection to set people up to reject you to be constantly looking for proof that connection doesn't exist. Now, that's powerful. Or at least it's more powerful than the feeling of hopelessness. Hopelessness feels like a nothing. Rejection feels like a something. And something feels better than nothing. 

Robyn: Imagine having been so hurt by connection, that you orchestrate your entire life around rejecting connection. I imagine that those of you listening don't have to imagine that hard, either because you live with a person who does that, or maybe even sometimes you are that person. I know I've been that person. Can you hold hopelessness with the belief that connection is a biological imperative? Can you hold hopelessness with the truth that we actually need connection to survive? That means connection is there somewhere, that desire to receive connection is there somewhere it's hidden? I know it's hidden. I know, it's hidden to the point where it feels like it doesn't exist, it feels hopeless. But it is there. It is devastatingly sad to think that someone has had such terrifying experiences with connection that they have to work that hard to- to avoid connection. If connection wasn't a biological imperative, they wouldn't have to work that hard to avoid it. But it's there, y'all it is there, I promise you, I promise you, I promise you. The rejection is a reflection of pain of the need for protection. The greater the intensity of the rejection, the greater the intensity of the pain. I have found that to be true 100% of the time. Now, I've never set up an official scientific experiment, gone to the, you know, gotten IRB approval, done all the things to, you know, attempt to prove my null hypothesis. But I can tell you that in 100% of the time, 100% of the people I know and the people that I've worked with or the people I've loved in my- in my personal life, the greater the intensity of the rejection is directly reflected- reflective of the greater the intensity of the pain.

Robyn: Holding on to the belief that connection is a biological imperative, might allow you to keep offering that connection, despite the constant rejection. Holding on to the belief that connection is a biological imperative might allow you not to take the rejection personally, but to feel instead deep sadness, compassion, and empathy that this person was hurt so badly by connection, that they are now working this hard to avoid that level of hurt from ever happening ever again. What changes for you if we reframe our child- your child's rejection of you of connection as a symptom that shows us how deeply they've been hurt by connection in the past? What changes for you if we reframe your child's rejection of you and have connection as a symptom of how excruciatingly hard they have worked to ward off connection. How hard they have to work, to ward off connection, because it's indeed a biological imperative. And since it's a biological imperative, I have to work really darn hard, right? To try to ward off connection.

Robyn: My hope is that considering these truths may provide you with a moment of ease. A moment of this isn't my fault, as well as a moment of this isn't their fault either. And maybe even a moment of gratitude for their protective parts who are working so hard to prevent that level of pain from ever happening again. A moment of gratitude that comes wrapped in grief for the tragedy of what they're missing. Of a- of the pain that they are causing themselves in an attempt to prevent pain. Y'all, my heart just aches for you. I know your grief, I know your sadness, I know the hopelessness. I know about being that person who loves someone who rejects connection. And my heart just aches and grieves for everyone who is working desperately hard to reject connection for everyone working desperately hard to reject the life preserver when you're drowning, because you believe that life preserver will kill you. Y'all, moms, dads, parents, grandparents, caregivers, therapists, helpers, healers, educators, if you can keep offering it. Keep offering it to those who are rejecting it, keep offering it. And my commitment to you is that I'll keep offering it to you. I'm offering it to you now, as I am here in my office recording this podcast. I'm imagining the connection just bursting out into the world and landing on you, and finding you as you're listening to this podcast, can you imagine that? But the connection that I'm offering is swirling out there. It's looking for you. And here it comes. It's landing on you. I'm so, so, so glad that you found this podcast and found this episode. 

Robyn: I have so many more resources, free resources, waiting for you over at RobynGobbel.com including a blog with almost 50 articles, free videos. And of course my- well you know, more podcast episodes. You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram for daily doses of connection and compassion. And if you're ready for even more, you can grab an on demand digital download, you can sign up for my comprehensive, full, inclusive parent course. It's on demand. It's- it's all online. It's all digital. It’s all self paced. Parenting After Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain. You can sign up and be starting it immediately. All of this you can find over at RobynGobbel.com Take a moment now to just subscribe to Parenting After Trauma in your podcast player. And please, please, please share, the faster we spen- spread the truth of what it means to be relationally socially and behaviorally human, the sooner we will change the world for our kids and for ourselves. I can't wait to be with you again next time.