Not flipping your lid…when your kid flips theirs {EP 10}
How do we stay grounded and regulated when our kids are going bananas? Experiencing some trauma trigger? Having a $5 reaction to a $.50 problem? Or are WAY further into their watch-dog or possum brain than the situation reasonably warrants?
Isn’t that the million dollar question.
Keep reading or listen on the podcast!
Because of the way our minds and bodies and nervous systems are connected to each other, when our kids flip their lids, of COURSE we do too!!!!
Unfortunately, because we (the grown-up) are theoretically the more regulated one in the relationship (LOL, I said theoretically) it’s our job to take the steps to come back into regulation and catch our OWN owl brain, so that we can offer regulation, connection, and felt-safety to our children.
So. How on EARTH do we do this???
The absolute very first thing to do is simply to notice the reaction we are having.
“Whoa. I’m going bananas, too. Just like my kid.”
Acknowledge that it feels very real to you.
“My brain must think this situation is pretttttty scary.”
Then…self-compassion.
“This is SO hard. It’s hard to parent this child. It’s hard to be constantly on alert. It’s hard for my nervous system to be regularly going bananas. It’s exhausting.”
Next…take a big breath, with an emphasis on the long exhale. Relax your shoulders, fists, eyes. Maybe sit down. This sends a message to your watch dog brain that sounds like “Everything is OK here.”
Then…if I still need support to re-engage my owl brain, I bring to mind *my people.* The people in my life who love me, care for me, offer me compassion, don’t judge me, but also hold my behaviors to a high standard.
I see their faces in my mind. Hear their words. Imagine what it feels like to have their hand on my back.
(I actually have a little knick-knack in my house that reminds me of being cared for by these important people. I can lay my eyes on this knick-knack and that helps, too).
Now I draw back on self-compassion, and bring to mind my self-compassion mantra (thanks Kristin Neff- who literally wrote the book on Self-Compassion).
This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need. (taken from the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff).
Chances are by now, after another big deep breath, I’m ready to pay attention to what the real problem is with my child.
And it’s usually that they need help with regulation, connection, or felt-safety.
These are a lot of steps. I get it.
Practice. Try just one. Or two.
Or go through these steps later. You can reflect on a situation where you and your child got dysregulated, and still go through all those steps.
With more practice, it gets easier. Faster. More automatic.
Just like practicing anything else- easier, faster, more automatic.
To help you practice these steps,
Free Infographic
I created a one-page graphic you could hang on your fridge, save in your phone, or tack to your bulletin board. A short visual reminder that will walk you through the first four steps:
- Notice
- Acknowledge
- Self-Compassion
- Big Breath
Listen on the Podcast
This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.
Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’
Robyn
- When It’s Hard To Keep Offering Connection {EP 174} - April 16, 2024
- Are Connected Kids Always Cooperative? {EP 173} - April 9, 2024
- What Does It Mean To ‘Heal’? {EP 172} - April 2, 2024
Will you work help me with my kids even if they are young adults mostly?
I would love to have access to the tools you talked about on your podcast.
Hi there! Yes, the theory applies to all humans although the specific tools will have to be adapted given the age and developmental level. I imagine there are resources out there on repairing a relationship with young adult children though unfortunately I don’t know them off the top of my head. I edited your comment just a touch to protect the privacy of your family as these are public comments!
This episode really clicked for me and I thank you! Can I ask where the one page graphic, mentioned here, can be found? Am I missing a link somewhere? Thank you.
Hi Tiana! So sorry for this confusion! There was a website glitch today that made all the sign-up forms disappear! It’s fixed now but I took care of entering your info so you’d receive the download! Thanks!!!