Becoming Securely Attached {EP 66}

Sarah Bren, PhD is a clinical psychologist and mom to two little ones in upstate New York where she loves to work with new parents, especially parents who want to parent differently than they were parented.  

Dr. Bren developed an interest in working with parents when she became a parent herself.  She was learning about parenting and parenting models and realized that so much of what she was reading directly related to the work she was doing with adult clients.

This insight sparked Dr. Bren’s interest in working with parents with the goal of helping parents break generational patterns and hopefully reduce the number of adults who have to heal from their childhoods.

Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast

There is no checklist- or is there?

I remember when I first learned about attachment parenting, I really wanted a better checklist.  I wanted the parenting experts to just tell me what to do to raise a kid with secure attachment.  

Regretfully, I didn’t find exactly the checklist I was looking for. Yet Dr. Bren reminded me that in a way, there is a checklist.  It just doesn’t contain things like “babywear” or “cosleep.”

The Secure Attachment Checklist

• Can I sit in this space and just be with my child?
• Can I respond to their needs?
• Can I respond to my needs?
• Can we both be two humans in this space, paying attention, tuned to it, but still two separate human beings?

Attachment Theory

Dr. Bren looks at attachment theory as an umbrella.  Under the umbrella there are lots of different ways of parenting that are supported by attachment theory.  For some families, that’s attachment parenting.  For some families, it’s not.

Dr. Bren reminds us that secure attachment emerges from secure attachment to ourselves.  Secure attachment to ourselves involves being attuned to ourselves, noticing our own needs and feelings, and responding to our own needs while negotiating how to respond to our child’s needs.  

Disconnecting from Ourselves

When we lose ourselves in the parenting relationship and focus only on our children’s needs and never on our own, we can unintentionally foster a relationship that looks more like co-dependence.  

Our children can struggle to feel like separate individuals. This ultimately leads to a lot of anxiety when children and parents aren’t together.  

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment leads to feelings of both connection and autonomy.  Togetherness and separateness.  

When babies are born, they are merged with their caregiver.  This is by design!  

As babies grow and get older, it’s inevitable that their caregiver will misattune to them.  

Not only is this inevitable but it’s good.  It allows our children to develop their sense of separateness.  

“I’m different from my caregiver.  We aren’t the same person. I am me and you are you.” ~Babies developing secure attachment. 

This separateness is actually the very foundation for secure attachment.  

Attunement to Self First

It’s impossible to attune to someone else if you aren’t first attuned to ourselves.  

As a parent, this can be so hard!  We are working so hard to be tuned in to our kids that we can lose our attunement to ourselves.  

Attachment and Older Kids (including adult children)

You might be reading this and reflecting on attachment with your older child- maybe even with your adult children.

Sometimes learning about attachment when our children are older can evoke a feeling of hopelessness. It can feel like it’s too late to make any changes.

It’s never too late and there is so much hope!

Attachment and Relationships can Always Change.  

When we are motivated to shift our relationship with our older or adult children, we often want to know what to do.

The first step, though, is getting quiet with ourselves. The first step is determining where your own safety is.  How do you feel safe?  What is the safest relationship you have ever had?  

If we want our children to feel safe in their relationship with us, we have to feel safe in our relationship with ourselves.  

The second step is often to explore our own attachment relationships.  How were we parented? And how did that impact us? Why are my triggers?

The third step, and only after we explore steps one and two, is to ask ourselves the question “And now what do I do differently?”

Curiosity Leads to Secure Attachment

Exploring these types of questions with ourselves is a step toward more security with ourselves!  Curiosity both leads to and emerges from secure attachment.  

If we had caregivers who were with us with curiosity, that curiosity becomes our narrative.  If we had caregivers who were harsh or critical, that criticism becomes our narrative.

As an adult working toward secure attachment, we can develop relationships with curious people and can become our own curious voice.

Instead of asking ourselves “What is wrong with you?” we can shift to asking ourselves “That’s interesting- I wonder what’s happening right now?”

Internalizing a New Voice

It’s possible to internalize the curious voice of a friend, a partner, or a therapist.  It’s also possible to internalize the curious voice of a fictional character.

One of my internalized fictional characters is Anne from Anne of Green Gables.  Her curiosity for life, her delight, her ease in finding the goodness in everyone is a way of being I’ve deliberately internalized.  

Dr. Bren and I agree that we both think therapy is a wonderful way to develop a new way of being with ourselves, but it’s not the only way.  So many people don’t have access to therapy, and so many people have found healing without therapy.  

How Do I Do Differently For My Kids?

So many of us want to parent our kids differently than we were parented.  It’s important to take one step back from that question and ask ourselves “How can we parent ourselves differently?”

• Can we be with ourselves in a curious, compassionate way?
• Can we welcome all of our own feelings and even the times where we parent in a way we wish we hadn’t?  

If we can do that with ourselves, we’ll be more successful at doing this with our children.

The curious, compassionate, “all parts of you are welcome” way of being is the path to secure attachment with our children. ~Robyn Gobbel

Find Dr. Sarah Bren

Follow Dr. Bren on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drsarahbren/

Listen to Dr. Bren’s podcast: https://drsarahbren.com/category/podcast/

Listen to when I was a guest on Dr. Bren’s podcast: https://drsarahbren.com/26-redefining-trauma-informed-parenting-how-parents-can-utilize-this-framework-for-all-children/

Check our Dr. Bren’s parent course: https://drsarahbren.com/tap

Explore More About Attachment

Early in this episode, Dr. Bren and I briefly discussed my free downloadable eBook all about The Brilliance of Attachment. Download that free eBook here: https://robyngobbel.com/ebook

Robyn