Help- I Don’t Like My Kid {EP 71}

Robyn: Why am I nervous about the topic? Well, let's get into that in just a moment. Also, I'm recording this like first thing in the morning, when my voice isn't totally awake yet. But there's just not a lot of options today. So we're gonna keep trucking on. If you're just noticing anything sounds weird, it's just that I've only been awake for a few minutes. If you're new here, welcome. And I want you to know that this is a place for parents of kids with big behaviors. And of course, the therapists, and helpers, and educators who support them. A place for you to feel seen, and known, and gotten, and understood, and get some actually useful ideas about how to help your kid. 

Robyn: Y’all know that this isn't a fancy podcast. Maybe one day I'll be hiring a producer and doing more editing and have fancy music. But for now I just press record and go. Even if it's first thing in the morning before I've had my coffee and my voice is a little scratchy. If you need more support after listening to this episode, you'll want to head over to my website because I have a lot of ways we can connect, including a free masterclass on what behavior really is, and a free ebook on attachment. Just head over to RobynGobbel.com/FreeResources.

Robyn: And while you're there, while you're over on my website, you're gonna want to check out the tab that says The Club. Why? Well, because I just happen to think that The Club is basically the best place on the internet. That Club is an online community that's comprised of seriously the most awesome parents on the planet. And when I say awesome, I don't mean these parents are perfect or always regulated or anything like that. When I say awesome, I mean there are people who are committed to showing up for each other, for themselves, and for their kids. Like even when- a maybe actually especially when they aren't perfect. To me, that's way more awesome than perfect. The Club is the space for parents to get the connection, the co-regulation, and of course, a little education that you need. That you need to keep making it every single day through these overwhelming, exhausting, and no end in sight days of parenting a kid with really big behaviors. So The Club welcomes new members periodically, head over to the website and get on the waitlist. The next time The Club opens their doors. It's going to be like this grand reopening because so many new and amazing things are happening in The Club. My team and I have been working really hard and building what I've been calling a new beautiful, clubhouse for our current members. And then we'll be inviting new members in very soon. So yeah, head over to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub to read all about it and grab a spot on the waiting list. 

Robyn: Alright, so today's topic is feeling kind of tough. And honestly, for me, kind of vulnerable, the topic of what do we do when we don't like our kids? Why is it feeling vulnerable for me? Well, I think really hard about what your kids are potentially overhearing. Like, when I think about titling my book, I think about the fact that it might be on your night table, or it might arrive in the mail, and be sitting on my dining room table, which happened once when I had ordered a book for work, and it had a relatively negative title about children on it. And my son was kind of horrified by it. So I think about those things, when- when I pick topics, you know? I think about the possibility that your kids are hearing or that they get to see- that they'll see it in some way. 

Robyn: Right? Um, and I also think about all the grownups in the world, who once to were the kids that we talked about on this podcast. The kids with really big, baffling behaviors. The kids with a lot of dysregulation. And for so many of them, kids who have been really, really hurt inside relationship. I'm very connected to the adult adoption- adult adoptee community. And I think about them. Like I think about what their experience is when I publish things. And I- that really helps me like, I feel like it really, really helps me stay in integrity with being honest about what the experience is like of being in close relationship with somebody who's been hurt in relationship, while also still maintaining their humanity, really, really maintaining their humanity. And even the title of this episode, it's- I'm just hoping I get it right. I'm just hoping I get it right. It feels- I feel a little sheepish recording an episode that could potentially hurt the communities that I'm in of adult adopted people, right? This idea that when they were kids, maybe their parents actually didn't like them. But I also feel like, somehow I've got to figure out a way to balance that with giving voice and airing, you know, giving voice and air to topics that otherwise just get buried deep, and- and eventually end up causing a lot of shame. It's not like if I don't talk about a topic like this, like it won't be a real topic. No, all that will happen is that I perpetuate the feeling that it's just too shameful to talk about. 

Robyn: So I don't know if I'm going to get this episode right. But I'm going to try. And I'm going to try again. And I'm just going to keep walking my talk with rupture and repair, if needed. Most parents I know have had the thought like well, I do not like my kid right now. Parents of kids with big baffling behaviors, lots of dysregulation, and especially histories of attachment or relationship trauma, they thought this way more than once. And then they practically become paralyzed by the shame of it. They tell nobody that they feel this way. Or if they do, it's with a tone of both like shame and horror at themselves.

Robyn: In a way I have found this self shaming to actually be almost increased in the parents who are drawn to my work. It's something that I'm really working at addressing. Parents who are really drawn to my work or tend to be parents who are really committed to understanding, you know, what behavior really is and how to respond by increasing connection and co-regulation and- and felt safety. So they have some pretty high standards for themselves. And they feel like they're beginning to learn the quote unquote right way to respond or the quote unquote, right way to parent. But then of course, they're inevitably parenting in ways that they don't necessarily feel like is in alignment with that, because they're human, because none of us are perfect, and none of us behave the way that we want to all the time. Or, honestly, for a lot of us even most of the time. That's not really the point, right? The point is that we keep showing up, we keep showing up, we keep trying, we keep rupturing, we keep repairing. And these parents will say to me, though, things like, I know why my kid is struggling. Like, I've learned the things, I understand why they're struggling, I know why they're acting this way. And therefore, it's like, extra extra awful for me to feel like I don't like them. Therefore, I'm an awful human. 

Robyn: Which, y’all, here's the thing. It is awful to feel like you don't like your kid, right? Like, that's an awful way to feel. Parenting is really frickin’ hard. Even on the best of days, it's hard. We push to the heart of parenting, because we get a lot back from the experience that isn't hard. That's actually good and wonderful and joyful. Even though parenting isn't about getting our needs met in the serve and return of a parenting relationship, we do get a lot of our needs met. Like we get a lot of our connection needs met. There is a lot in parenting that fills a parent's cup, and thank goodness, because parenting is really frickin’ hard. And I don't know that we would do it otherwise, right? 

Robyn: So for most, I don't know if most is the right word. For parents of kids with neurotypical behaviors, parents of kids who fall, like, pretty solidly inside that bell shaped curve. The hard is worth it. But when you're parenting a kid whose history, previous experiences in attachment relationship, or just the unique makeup of their brain and their body, make you very possibly, you know, not get enough of those experiences that aren't hard to balance the hard. Did that sentence even makes sense? It's just that there's more hard, right? There's more hard. Those of you who are listening to this podcast, there's more hard than not. And it's then it's really hard to stay in balance with that and it's hard to keep showing up and doing a job that's really hard when there's very little balance. And this does not make you selfish. 

Robyn: Sure, we can all say selfless things about parenting, like parenting isn't about me. And it's not. And the reality is, is that parenting is a job for humans. And humans need connection. And for humans to keep showing up in a relationship, especially if that relationship is pretty hard, there is a serve and return that we need to kind of like keep our battery going. Parenting is just a relationship. And even though we're the grown ups in that relationship, we're still humans. And that means we still have needs. And again, yes, of course, I know we have more resources, theoretically. We have more internal capacity for regulation, theoretically. More ability to delay our own needs. Yes, yes, of course, that's absolutely true. But we still have those needs. And being in relationship with someone who, again, not because they're bad. But because of the way their nervous system is patterned. Being in relationship with somebody who struggles to be in relationship, parenting can actually become traumatic. 

Robyn: What do we usually tell people who are in a relationship that feels traumatic? I mean, we usually encourage them to end that relationship, right? Well, obviously, that's a pretty tricky nuance to navigate with parenting. Our kids are doing the very best that they can, right? They're behaving in ways that makes complete sense given the state of their nervous system, their level of felt safety, and the way their previous experiences has helped them survive. If you're new here, and you're looking for some support on just understanding your kids baffling behaviors, head over to RobynGobbel.com/masterclass for the What Behavior Really Is and How To Change It masterclass that's going to start to lay the groundwork for these ideas that our kids are doing the very best that they can. And their behavior makes complete sense given the state of their nervous system in that moment. 

Robyn: But also it can be sure that your kid is doing the very best that they can, and it's still really, really, very, extremely hard. Sometimes our kids best is to protect themselves against intimate, close relationships, like the parent child relationship. This, of course, comes out with all sorts of behaviors that are challenging for us. And, and frankly, these behaviors are really challenging for them. It's terrible to be driven to reject something that you also really need, like connection, like the dependence that is, you know, that is- that comes out of the parent child relationship, right? The safety there. 

Robyn: Some of our kids have such sensitive stress responses, that living with them feels like walking on eggshells, we're tiptoeing around a waiting for an explosion, feeling like hostages in our own homes. Some of us have kids with traumatic histories that have left such a tragic impact on their nervous system that they have behaviors that we actually even find disgusting. The feeling of disgust is designed to help us push away, whatever is causing that feeling. And when it's your kid? Like when you feel compelled to push away, and then feel the shame of being disgusted by your kid? [exhale] Whoa, like, I just took a big breath, a big breath that came with a big sigh. 

Robyn: Y'all, this is all just so so hard. Like, calling it hard, feels ridiculous, actually, because hard doesn't even begin to capture the true feeling. It's hard for you. And of course, it's hard for your child. They're trapped, right? They're longing and desperate for safety and connection because all humans are. Yet they have had experiences in the past that tell them that safety and connection just isn't safe. You know, what happens when we need something that we also believe isn't safe? Well, we act really weird. Bizarre, actually. Maybe even in ways that evoke disgust. Or maybe their nervous system for whatever reason is just so fragile that they, and then of course, you too, are constantly on alert just waiting for the next explosion. It's exhausting. 

Robyn: And then you add in the judgment from others, the lack of support, and the fact that for some of you- your kids and your families, like what you need literally doesn't even exist, let alone wouldn't exist in a way that would be accessible to the average family. So yeah, sometimes, all of this results in a feeling of not really liking our kid that much. So here's what I want you to try. See if you can just be honest with yourself. Honest about that feeling of not really liking your kid. And honest with yourself that not really liking your kid is painful. It's so painful to you. It's a moment of suffering in your own heart. And you know what Dr. Kristin Neff says we do with our suffering? You do if you've listened to the podcast before. We meet our suffering with self compassion. 

Robyn: Yeah. When you find yourself not liking your kid, instead of judging or shaming yourself. You take a breath, and you think, wow, not liking my kid is so painful. This is a moment of suffering. And suffering deserves compassion. Y’all, the only way out, the only way out is to be seen and in a safe place. When we start talking about vulnerability and being seen and choosing who gets to see and kno- know us, we have to choose with intentionality. We have to choose people who have given us some indication like they have proven up to us in some way, shape or form, that they're safe. That they deserve the honor of seeing our true self. And that feeling of not liking your kid needs to be seen. And not with horror, but with curiosity and compassion. 

Robyn: And then an invitation can be extended to that feeling. An invitation that sounds like can this feeling exist without acting on the feeling? Yes. Can I like my kid but still take care of them? Yes. Can I meet myself with compassion ever time I feel like I don't like my child? Yes. Will meeting that feeling with compassion help me feel better? Yes. Can I not like my child while still believing 100% that they are worthy of love, and adoration, and overflowing with infinite worth? Yes. And that, in fact, is the goal. Being able to hold both truths. Being worthy of love and adoration is our birthright. Your child does overflow into infinite worth. And their nervous system drives behaviors that make it very difficult for you to like them. 

Robyn: Listen, don't get me wrong here. Our kids deserve to be looked at with eyes of adoration. They need that! They need to know they delight people simply because they exist. You can send yourself self compassion, for feeling like you don't like your kid. And still keep working ferociously hard at finding a way to like your kid. They deserve that. And honestly, you do too. You can find other adults in your child's life, who will look at them with the light. That's super important. And you can find other adults in your life, who will look at you with delight, because that, y’all, that's the antidote. I'm gonna say it again, you can find other adults in your life who look at you with the light. 

Robyn: If you want to find ways to adore your child, find people who adore you. Even actually, if that person is yourself, and since you're listening to this podcast, you've actually already found one person. And that's me, I adore you. I adore your kids. People ask me all the time, like why do you work with these kids? And the reality is is I have some ideas, but I'm also not completely sure. But for whatever reason, I just get them. They make complete sense to me. And I adore them. But this is actually also true about their parents. I don't know exactly why I love y'all. But I do. I love the parents of kids with big behaviors, who just keep looking for what they need. I love the parents who are willing to regulate through the vulnerability of asking for help and show up. 

Robyn: For years, they showed up in my office every week. They were brave and showed up. Now, you all show up by hitting play on this podcast. You show up at the conferences and the workshops that I teach, and you show up in The Club. This really is unbelievably remarkable. It's raw and honest. And I love these parents. I adore them. I adore you. I know, I know, I know. This could sound actually super trite. Like, I don't even know you. But also, I actually don't really need to. I know your true self is easy to adore. Because I know that's true about all people. Not liking your child is painful. Hitting play on this episode was brave. 

Robyn: I worry about all the adults who were kids with big, baffling behaviors seeing this podcast and feeling the pain of wondering if their parent didn't like them. Or maybe just some confirmation to something that they knew when they were a child was true. And that's really, really painful. But here's what I know. I know feeling that way about your kid and still seeking out support, seeking out help, listening to a podcast, going to conferences, joining The Club. I know that those things all really, really matter. 

Robyn: One time I spoke at a conference for parents who had adopted kids and who had been in foster care. Well, I didn't do that one time. I mean, I do that all the time. But on one specific instance, I will never ever forget a conference attendee that emailed me after the conference. We actually also got to speak during the conference. And so I had like a face and- with the name. And this person emailed me after the conference, and what they told me in this email was that they were one of those kids that we were talking about. It was a conference for parents. It was a conference about parenting kids and big behaviors. And navigating their behaviors, and helping their behavior, and helping these kids be okay in the world. And she said, I was one of those kids. They told me that they grew up in foster care, and had experienced abuse and neglect. And had the behaviors of the kids that we were talking about at the conference. And they told me that they were overcome with emotion just sitting in a conference ballroom looking around at the literally hundreds of parents who were there, showing up for themselves and for their kids, and wanted to do better. And this person said to me, I wish I had had parents like that. I wanted to be a kid again, they said, I wanted to be a kid again, and have one of them be my parents.

Robyn: Ah, y'all, that was so, so, so profound for me, so profound for me. And I think about that person a lot. It really helps me just keep putting one foot in front of the other and- and keep showing up for y'all, and also for these kids who are deserve it. They deserve for y'all to keep showing up. Right? No matter how imperfectly you show up for your kids, you are trying. And you keep trying. To deal with the pain and the vulnerability of everything and to keep trying. You wouldn't be listening to this podcast, if that wasn't true. And it matters. It matters to your kids, which you never know who else it might matter to. Like that adult in the audience of that conference, who was once a child. And who was filled with relief that so many parents were there trying, trying to see their kids for their real, true, lovable, and worthy of adoration selves.

Robyn: So thank you, thank you for tuning in again. Thank you for everything, everything you do to love- love and, and care for kids. Love and care for kids who are hard to love and care for. Even though we didn't exactly ask for the job of changing the world. We are y'all that's that's what we're doing. We do for our kids, and we do it for their kids in a way we're doing it for everyone's kids.Thank you for hanging with me through today's episode, through my scratchy voice, through, you know, just wading through a topic that made me feel a little nervous and a little vulnerable to talk about to title this episode. And to put it out into the world that makes me go “AHHHH!”. And I'm going to regulate through that vulnerability. And I'm going to risk the fact that I didn't do it well. And I'm going to put it out there because this is a topic that needs to be talked about. This is a topic that needs to be seen. This is a topic that needs to come out of the shame, so that we can be with ourselves with compassion. That is the only way out. You deserve it. You deserve that. And so to your kids. So I will see you back here next week.