Helping Kids with Toxic Shame {BONUS}

Hello, good morning. It's me Robyn with a parenting after trauma podcast and today's short episode is just a short note from me. One of the most tragic byproducts of experiencing relational trauma especially, and the first months and years of life is a powerful protector of self hatred and toxic shame. Sometimes this toxic shame is directed inward at the self and sounds like I hate me. And sometimes it's projected outward and sounds like I hate you. All the current advice for parenting a child with a history of relational trauma places a heavy emphasis on connection and that's great. As parents of kids who have been hurt you long to show your kids that they're worthy of connection, that connection is safe and that they're perfectly precious. That trickster protector of self hatred can be so powerful that our children can start to doubt the trustworthiness of adult who tell them about their goodness. It actually feels to them like their grown ups are lying to them which raises suspicion and leads to wondering, what do you want from me? This leaves us the adults who love them and see their preciousness quite stuck. How do we mirror a child that we see their protector of self hatred, but also that their protector is playing tricks on them trying this protector is trying to protect them from more hurt by convincing themselves that they are hateable. Loving, this child can leave us feeling trapped. Like no matter what we do or what we say it's the wrong thing. This self hatred is held within a pocket of memory called disorganized attachment. held inside that memory network is the experience of being trapped I've always wrong and there being no way out. It makes sense than when we're with someone who's experiencing a moment of self hatred that we to feel trapped, always wrong. And as though there is no way out. You are feeling what your child is feeling. I unfortunately have no brilliant solution to this. The self hatred and toxic shame is just longing for presence, attunement, and someone who is able to just be with them, without trying to change them. Yet, this self hatred will also evoke behaviors that will push you away. Perhaps one of the greatest challenges I've run across this is how to stay present and attuned with someone who is desperate for you to be present and attuned, yet also desperate to avoid the the vulnerability of feeling someone be present and attuned. For me, there's something regulating about understanding why things happen. It helps me feel seen and not crazy and more organized. In my mind. This brings about a another moment or two of regulation and helps me stay present with myself or with someone else. inside this pocket of self hatred, and disorganization. If I can have a moment or two of staying more present with myself, I feel a little tiny bit better. So maybe this helps you to win kids express negative thoughts about themselves, it can be real easy to want to contradict them and show them the truth. That what we show them the truth about what we see in them. It's almost painful not to it can Unfortunately, though, make us more untrustworthy to our kids. When we insist that we know how wonderful smart kind they are, when they are insisting that they aren't. It can bring about this felt sense of like you just don't fully know me or if I show you the real me, then you'll really know how bad I am or you're lying to me and can't be trusted. And I know that sounds extreme, but I've worked with hundreds and hundreds of kids and adults who sometimes articulate things better and more clearly than kids. And sometimes I also know this because of my own lived experience. And yes, it did eventually shift. I did eventually learn in my own heart that my own therapist and my husband, they aren't lying to me.
But for years I believe that they were and it hurt the felt safety. It didn't help it. So when our kids say really hard things about themselves validated first, it is so hard to validate a feeling like I hate myself, because we don't want to give the impression that we agree but Y'all validating is not agreeing. Validation can sound something like you have huge yucky feelings, that must feel so bad. Or you feel like you are a terrible person. And if your child says, I don't feel like a terrible person, I know I'm a terrible person or something like that. You can reflect back, you know, you're a terrible person, it doesn't just feel true, you know, it's true. This isn't the same thing as agreeing with them. It's simply giving them a moment of you expressing something like, I'm not afraid of your huge feelings, and I'm willing to be in them with you. Once you have some connection and reestablished with their child, you could say something like, I know, it might feel like I'm lying, or I'm just your mom. So of course, I have to say these things, but you are precious. I know you're precious, because I believe all humans are precious, you are uniquely precious and special in your own ways. But I actually believe this is true about all people. So of course, you're included in that. Now, of course, if you're gonna say that to your good, you gotta believe that that all humans are precious. That's part of the club manifesto, to believe that all people have infinite worth. And it's part of the manifesto for a very specific reason. Because it helps us stay strongly anchored to believing that our kids and ourselves are 100% precious, and that we are all, all worthy of care. And we are all full of infinite worth. And when it's part of our core beliefs about humanity instead of just part of our belief about our specific child that increases our trustworthiness to them. When we say things like you are precious, and I know you're precious, because I believe this about all people. So I know it's true about you, too. I have seen that holding this as a universal belief is actually the only thing that's eventually helpful to people who believe that they are simply terrible people, because I'm not trying to convince them that they are precious, and full of infinite worth. And frankly, I never would try to convince them of that, that it's unique to them. It's just simply a universal truth about all people, and therefore they are not the exception to the rule. And you know, what, neither are you or me. So attune to the reality that it might feel like I'm lying. Or like, I don't really know you or if I only didn't know the real you, then I wouldn't. I wouldn't believe that you're precious. I know it feels that way. And that must feel terrible. And then you could add something like, we'll just have to sit together in this hard place where you don't believe me that I know you're precious. I know you're precious because I believe at their core all humans are. And then we have to just take time to grieve. It's so so painful to love someone who is plagued with toxic shame. Toxic shame needs us to be present with no agenda to change it. That's a big ask. We just have to be with it. Y'all, I am really super grateful I had the opportunity to connect with you in this short little bonus episode. This one ended up being not quite as short. But I really wanted to make sure I included these practical tips. If this resonated with you, please share the podcast. And if you'd like more connection, more support, more CO regulation, more more education. Please consider joining us over in the club. We would absolutely love to have you. I know this episode included some scripts, and that's kind of hard to take in and remember and podcast. So all you have to do is head over to my website to get the transcript. Robyn gobbel.com/kids with toxic shame is where you'll find all the scripts that I gave you all written out so you can remember them. All right, till next time