How I’ve Strengthened my Psychological Boundaries {EP 117}

We just concluded a three part series all about boundaries. Boundaries with connection, and specifically boundary with kids with these vulnerable nervous systems and big baffling behaviors, because it's just doesn’t look like traditional parenting and boundaries often do. And I actually think when folks initially kind of transition to this brain based way of parenting, that there can be this sense of that this way of parenting is actually very loose with boundaries. But actually, what you have found in the last several episodes, is that this way of parenting actually has very solid boundaries. What is tricky is that we don't all define boundaries in the same way. So we've just spent three episodes really exploring what boundaries really are, how we can have boundaries with our kids with vulnerable nervous systems. And then we concluded last week, with talking about psychological boundaries, how can we have boundaries ourselves with folks who are behaving in ways that definitely doesn't fit with how we want to be treated in relationship. Yet also, we can't just end the relationship. Right? So that was last week's episode. It was the third one. It was about psychological boundaries, and specifically with folks with verbally aggressive behavior or other verbally challenging behavior, like maybe lying, or manipulation. 

If you're anything like me, the idea of psychological boundaries might be feeling a little fuzzy, or kind of confusing, or like, well, what does that actually look like in real life? So I wanted to give you a little information about my own journey, my own development, and without question, continued development, continued strengthening of psychological boundaries. And while your journey will, of course, look very different than mine, we all have very different journeys. Sometimes it can be helpful to get a look into, you know, kind of what this looked like for somebody in real life. 

I was somebody who was genuinely literally confused by the word boundary. I remember- in graduate school, I remember talking about the word boundaries. I remember my supervisor talking about boundaries. I remember her like offering me a book to read on boundaries, I probably read it. And certainly like the concept of boundaries. That was clear enough for me. I do remember just this sense of it not really settling, I guess, in my own body and my own nervous system. I didn't have that kind of language back then. But as I look back, that's what I would say now, it just didn't have anywhere to land. And therefore, it always just felt really fuzzy to me. I really couldn't quite grasp or feel in my own body. I mean, sure, I could give you a definition of boundary, maybe. But- I hope so. I hope that I graduated from graduate school with a definition of boundary, but what it felt like in my body always felt elusive. 

Then later, in my own personal work, and I started specifically doing some sandtray work in my own personal work with my own therapist, it became clear to me that the reason this concept of boundaries always felt like just really elusive to me was that my own psychological boundaries, like my internal boundaries that helped me feel separate from other people, were essentially none, non-existent. So for me boundary work, because I, again, as I'm reflecting back on this, I could not have articulated this, when it first started, like when I first started doing boundary work, nor would I have even called it that or identified that. But as I look back, on my own, you know, two decades long journey at this point of doing my own personal work, boundary work for me has unfolded in a similar way that boundary work does for the developing infant, right? Infants aren't born self reflecting on their own boundaries, right? And I didn't start doing this work in my own psychological- my own personal journey, reflecting, at least not reflecting accurately on my own boundaries. My boundaries began to get cultivated inside these relationships that brought to me their presence, their co-regulation, their regulated and well boundaried self, like personhood. Again, I could not have articulated this back then. But as I look back, I can describe it in this way. 

Now, I've been super lucky to get these experiences and get them in a pretty wide variety of ways. I've been very blessed to have access to really good therapy. I mean, I lived for 15 years in like one of the therapy havens of the United States. Austin, Texas, right? There's, like more therapists per capita in Austin, Texas than, I don't know anything, practically. And there are excellent therapists in Austin, Texas. So I was super, super fortunate for that. I know, there are many places in the world where access to good quality therapy is, I mean, in some ways, it's impossible. So I was super fortunate for that to be true. It just happened to be kind of where I live. But of course, I had a lot of privilege as a therapist, in finding a good therapist and knowing what to look for in good therapy. All that kind of stuff. 

I've also been blessed beyond anything that I mean- I just can't even imagine how this came to be honestly, in my own life, the richness of friendship relationships that I've had, and truth be told that they were a therapist. And so we were kind of in the trenches together, doing this really hard work, because we wanted to be really good therapists. And what that also meant was, we learned how to be really good friends. And these are people that I was like, surrounded by. I mean, there has been time periods in my life like years in my life, where basically everybody I was in contact with was somebody who was pretty intentionally working hard on being in relationship in this way, right? Like my own therapist, my therapist friends, my deep consulting work that-, and my deep study that I've done with Bonnie Badenoch since like- something like 2015, and my really deep relationship with my own partner, with Ed, my husband, right? Somebody else who again, I you know, sometimes I think this is so much about luck. Like me and Ed found each other. And, in a way that's hard to say anything different than just luck. And are two people who have the resources internally and externally, to be really committed to our personal work and our own personal reflection, our own personal growth. And we do it independently of one another, and we have our whole marriage, and we do it with each other as well. I mean, we did not come into our relationship at all with- with a much of any ability to like be with our own selves. Which ultimately translates to the reality that we had pretty poor boundaries. Poor ability to like, regulate ourselves. Definitely not great ability to regulate ourselves outside of turning to like, kind of outside resources for regulation. And some of those were just kind of unhealthy. And some of them were like really unhealthy. And figuring out a way, inside our relationship, to be honest about these ways that were extremely unhealthy. And then to get the support that we each needed to find ways to be regulated that weren't quite so unhealthy. And so we've just had a lot, a lot of like, kind of luck and privilege in those ways. And again, my- having my partner on on that journey, and being a therapist, and being a therapist in a community, with therapists kind of on the cutting edge, and a lot of therapists interested in interpersonal neurobiology, and attachment theory, just kind of simply met. I had the luxury of- of having a life that was really cushioned by folks who were willing, and eager to do this work that essentially translated to all of us really working on and developing our own psychological boundaries. 

So, you know, back in the day, 20 years ago, as we- as I kind of started this journey, and started this therapeutic journey, you know, the vast majority, of course, of- of therapy for me always felt pretty cognitive. There is, you know, lots of content, lots of verbal processing. And that's always been true. That was like the most comfortable way, especially once I- when I started my own journey of me doing therapy, very verbal, you may have noticed. And so, I’m very comfortable, and a place of doing lots, and lots, and lots of high level verbal processing. And it wasn't the verbal processing and the insight that was helpful. It was helpful enough that it kept me doing it still, like I kept going back to therapy. But the insight and verbal processing is in of itself isn't what mattered. It was the presence. It was the presence of somebody who is able to offer me what I would call accurate reflection. Accurate reflection, meaning she showed me who I really was, which was a perfectly wonderful, precious, delightful human being, who sometimes had really bad behaviors, right? Y'all, that's the premise of the work that I do, right? That's what I say about these kids, perfectly wonderful, delightful human beings, who sometimes also have really bad behaviors. And being with folks in that way, where we see them that way, is essentially my definition of accurate reflection. And I needed somebody who could be with me in that way, who gave me that accurate reflection. I needed a therapist who had like, really, really excellent psychological and energetic boundaries. Now again, I wouldn't have called this that way back then. But that is what I needed. And just kind of by a stroke of luck, that is what I got. Somebody who could resonate with me, like truly be with me in my own chaos and in my own dysregulation. But without like merging with it. Merging, in a way, meaning like, she didn't take it all on personally, right? She didn't become the dysregulation. She didn't panic when I panicked. She didn't slide into these brilliant left brain discussions about like backs and brain stuff. You know, despite my very desperate attempts to keep us out of resonance with lots of talk about brains, and facts. She didn't need me to be anything. She didn't need me to be a good client. She didn't need me to be smart. She didn't need me to be a good therapist. And at first, it was really hard. I wanted to be all of those things. Because I thought I needed to be those things in order to be, like, worthy and deserving of- of presence, frankly. To be worthy and deserving of somebody staying energetically present with me, I needed to be all of those things. And over the years, I learned I didn't need to be any of those things. And at first, I didn't like that. That was the, kind of, the only way I knew how to be. And eventually, slowly over the years, I got to discover me. And it's kind of hard to articulate, like what that looked like and it was a very slow, there was no major aha moment. It was just over the years, I found more of me. 

And I'll also say as an aside, my work in a sandtray changed. And I could see through the sand trays that I was doing the kind of growth and strengthening of these energetic boundaries, which was pretty cool. Especially because I am a therapist and I can kind of see things through that lens. I can take a step out of my role as client and kind of move back into putting my therapist hat on and- and be able to see things really accurate through that perspective. Which, for me, was- was really helpful. 

I'll say, another really important part of my work with my own energetic and psychological boundaries was some pretty important work I did outside of therapy that involved just feeling my body. Like my literal, physical body. For a while, I dabbled in long distance running. Now, again, I didn't know this was why I was doing this. In fact, it's always been a little bit confusing to me why I pursued long distance running. I'm not a naturally athletic individual, like I didn't grow up doing sports or athletics or, or things that were physically hard period. Like physical physical challenges are not something I approach with a lot of eagerness. And I took up long distance running in, like, my early 30s. I've run several half marathons. I look back on that now and realize like, it was the kind of beginning of me feeling my body. Feeling myself hit the ground, and in this very predictable, repetitive, structured way. And I started moving into doing other kinds of physical body work. I really love, like HIIT style boot camps. I love hitting the ground hard. And again, I can understand this more now, that what I was really seeking was a lot of input about being me. And so I love to do jump squats, I love to do burpees, I like to lift weights, like I like to give myself input that helps my body feel me. And then I moved into doing aerial silks, which helps me even more with my own me-ness, right? Like they're being wrapped up into silks, while exploring all these different ways, literally different ways of being in my body. Upside down, you know, spinning, turning, wild stuff while being hugged by the silks. It's all been about helping me find my me. And without question is one of the primary reasons I've ended up kind of becoming known for my work incorporating movement into my sessions with kids. Like in Austin I had a yoga hammock hanging from my ceiling and trained to be an aerial yoga kids teacher. Because I wanted to bring that experience of the hammock, and of the silks, and of being suspended from one point into my work. I thought it was a really profound way of coming to know myself. And I wanted to really bring that to the kids that I worked with, who I knew also needed experiences of discovering themselves and discovering themselves in a way that was safe and felt good. A lot of the kids that I work with the way they knew themselves was not safe and didn't feel good. So giving them new experiences to find themselves, find their boundaries, find their bodies, was a really cool integral part of the work that I did. 

Okay, so anyway, back to kind of my own journey. I mean, eventually I was able to tolerate without question like as my own boundaries, like as my own me-ness, as my own sense of who I was my own edges, my own psychological edges, grew and strengthened and were reflected back to me. I was absolutely able to start to tolerate looking more directly at my own thoughts and my own behaviors that were really clearly very much contributing to relational challenges. And were, without question, all about having just really weak psychological boundaries still. So I had to start to be really honest with myself about how hard I work and continue to work frankly, in my life, controlling other people's behaviors, right? Like part of how I make up for having kind of weak psychological boundaries is I work overtime to control other people's behaviors, so that their behaviors don't stress out the fact that I have kind of poor psychological boundaries. And there came almost like this tipping point in my own therapy where I had enough internalized safety, I did have enough of a sense of self, I had developed enough of my own psychological boundary, that I could even tolerate looking that- like looking at myself that way. I could be self reflective, and I could also be self reflective about something that was kind of hard, like it felt a little bit shameful, right? You have to have a pretty high level of internalized safety, and then safety within the relationship that I was in, which was therapy, to be able to tolerate something that feels really shameful. Right? 

And then I had to start practicing overtly what Juliane talked about in the episode last week. I had to start practicing, asking myself those questions. When I was in relational challenges, is this true or not true? Is this about me, or not about me? And I'd do that in my personal life, I had to do that in my friendships, and I had to do that in my professional life, right, in my work as a therapist. I also got to practice that a lot in my work as a speaker and a trainer. Because when you speak and train, you very overtly ask for feedback. Right? And- and getting feedback, and getting negative feedback specifically, used to be almost impossible for me. Like I used to really not even be able to read them. Right? And I had all these opportunities now to start asking myself these questions when I would get evaluations, and frankly, good ones or bad ones. Right? Is this true or not true? About me, not about me? So all these professional evaluations I would get with training and speaking. All the emails that I get, again, sometimes I get, and most of the time, I get lovely emails from people telling me how my work has impacted them. Sometimes I get really hateful emails from people. So again, I'm regularly getting these opportunities. And I'm pretty committed to asking myself this in both ways. Like, whether it's positive feedback or negative feedback, pausing and asking myself about me or not about me? True, or not true? And slowly, slowly, slowly, like absurdly slowly, the activation that I feel in my body, when I'm going to receive feedback. You know, the anticipation of feedback, I don't know if it's going to be good or bad. But when I'm about to receive feedback, the anticipation in my body, that was intolerable for a while. That has started to decrease, like I no longer feel like I might just spontaneously combust, and cease to exist at the anticipation of getting feedback. That's about having strength- stronger psychological boundaries. Right?

I don't work as hard as I used to, to make sure I did as much in my power to only get excellent feedback. I still work very hard to do excellent work. But the motivation behind doing that excellent work is totally different, and therefore, extremely, less exhausting. Years ago, I heard Juliane say something like, and I think it was maybe in a training that I did with her. She said something like one of the most compassionate things that we can do is to allow others to have their own emotional journey and experience. And I remember writing it down and like putting it on a post it note, because wow, right? The most compassionate thing I could do is to allow others to have their own emotional journey and not interfere with it. Even if their own emotional journey was coming out in a way that felt very personal against me. True, not true? About me, not about me? 

So this journey, this practice- practicing the psychological boundaries. I actually do think it's way easier for me to do it as a therapist, because it is quite literally my job. I have to have good psychological boundaries in the work that I do in order to be helpful to the folks who come to me, right? And so it’s literally my job was to practice developing good psychological boundaries that gave me a great head start in being able to incorporate these ideas into my own personal life. So eventually, I started to get a lot better at anticipating feedback from speaking, and now it's from all the other things that I do, right? Like feedback in The Club, and feedback in Being With, and when I show up and I do trainings, and feedback on the podcasts and- and all that kind of stuff, right? And the truth is- is that sometimes feedback is true and about me. And it's really important that I hear that feedback and decide what I'm going to do with it. And a lot of times the feedback, even when it's good, might not be true. And oftentimes, like most of the time, isn't really about me, right? It was about that person and their experience. And yes, I have an impact on their experience, but their experience is theirs and all about their own boundaries, and all about their own history, and all that kind of stuff. So now I can still hear feedback. I can get the feedback, and I can move more easily towards witnessing that feedback compassionately. And I am less likely to make personal meaning out of it. And I don't feel like I'm going to like spontaneously combust over the potential of getting criticism. 

Now, the truth is- is that it's still really hard for me, I still do get, like a sensation in my gut and my heartbeat’s fast as I move towards opening up the evaluations, right? But I also know, I can be okay. I can now decide what's- what's about me, what's not about me, what's true, and not true. And I can use that feedback in a way to serve better in the future, as opposed to making that feedback mean anything about me. Good or bad. 

In my personal life, this is way harder, right? Especially, of course, for those of us who are in relationship with folks with vulnerable nervous systems. And yeah, in my current reality, my relationship with somebody with a vulnerable nervous system is my husband. And we've talked about that openly in my podcast. Back in October, I did a series on neuroimmune disorders. And I invited my husband to give us a- an inside out look of somebody who has a neuroimmune disorder and a vulnerable nervous system, because that's him. And so I'm practicing being in relationship with somebody with a vulnerable nervous system, and I'm practicing having really strong psychological boundaries with my partner, not my child, and it is a little bit different. And I also do want to be really clear that, yes, my husband has a vulnerable nervous system, and sometimes it is really intense. And also, so do I. And it's really intense for him. Right? Like, I kind of chuckled at how I did a podcast episode on my husband's vulnerable nervous system and how that impacts me and y'all, I am nowhere near being ready to do a podcast episode about my vulnerable nervous system and how that impacts him. Maybe one day, maybe one day. But for now, we'll just throw out there that there’s equal opportunity in my- in my home and in my marriage, right? So together, me and him get a lot of practice [laughter] allowing one another to just have our own experience without making a whole lot of meaning out of it. Like what I really want to work towards is that I can be annoyed with him because humans are annoying and we get annoyed with people without him making meaning out of it that he's annoying, right? And he can be irritated by a mistake that I make because humans make mistakes and sometimes they have irritating consequences. He can be irritated with me, without me making meaning out of it that I am a mistake. 

So over the years, y'all, my personal jello wall has really, really evolved. While I was working on my book last year, I regularly had the image come to mind to me of this, kind of, like confident owl wrapping their wings around a very stressed out watchdog and possum. It's an image that's ultimately made it into my book. It was this gesture of hey, you're okay, I've got you. And that image and then ultimately, the creation of that image with an illustrator, which has been so profound, has become my own personal like jello wall. It's not a jello wall but it's the same- it serves the same purpose as the jello wall that Juliane talked about. And sometimes this image I get of this owl wrapping its wings around this watchdog and this possum in this gesture of I've I've got you, sometimes that's my owl brain wrapping its arms around the other person's watchdog or possum brain. And that's helpful for me because it's helpful for me to see the other person's behaviors. And again, whether that's my husband, or my child, or my friends, or- or the folks that I inter- interact with professionally. It's helpful for me to see their challenging behavior as their watchdog and their possum. And so it's so helpful for me to see my owl moving towards- moving towards their very stressed out, very afraid watchdog and possum brain with this arms open wide sensation of hey, I see you and I've got you, right? That's been so helpful in my own psychological boundary. And I think that's- can be really helpful for parents with their psychological boundary. Like really see this behavior as watchdog behavior, possum behavior, which looks scary, but is scared. Right? 

But sometimes this image of the owl with its wings wrapped around the watchdog and the possum, sometimes that's an image of- of my owl brain wrapping its wings around my own watchdog and possum brain. Right? The ones, the parts of me who- who holds these brave, protective voices that tell me I'm not safe, or I'm in danger, or I'm bad, and will be abandoned forever, or that I hurt people simply by existing, right? And to invite my own owl brain to notice when those parts of me come alive, and want really hard to take over. And to respond with this big, wise, confident, compassionate, wide open arms. And sometimes, that's just the very best that I can do. And every time I do that, I strengthen that energetic boundary, that psychological boundary. Every time I can imagine this owl with its wings wrapped around my watchdog and possum brain, I strengthen what gets to come in. I strengthen my own resolve about what's true and what's not true, and what's about me and what's not about me. And when I feel confident that it's not about me, I can respond with my own owl brain with compassion, and curiosity, and later with a boundary. And I tried to do this so much in the moment. But when I fail, in my watchdog brain or my possum brain take over, then I try to do it after the moment. Like I try to look back with compassion towards my own watchdog and possum brain, because obviously my watchdog and possum brain take over, sometimes, really bad behavior comes out for me, right? And so I try to look back at those moments with a lot of compassion, a lot of gratitude for my own owl- or my own watchdog and possum brains, and care for them and nurture them. And I do that kind of outside these really intense moments. And that also strengthens my psychological boundary, so that I can do it more often inside those really, really hard moments. 

Now, it might help you give your own watchdog and possum brain a lot of compassion and a lot of grace if you go back to the interview that I did with my husband. It was back in October, where he lovingly, lovingly acknowledges that I'm able to kind of have my psychological boundary, not join his chaos, and instead move toward him with compassion about 5% of the time he said. He gave me, I think like an F minus or something. It was loving and honest. And since that episode aired in October, I would love to tell you that I have increased to 6%. But I actually think it's more honest to say that I've gone to 4.5%. And y'all, I just keep trying. I do it for me, right? Like I keep trying to strengthen the psychological boundary for me, so that I can feel better. Because it feels bad to get sucked into somebody else's chaos. And it feels bad to have my own protective parts try to convince me that something about me is bad. Right? So I tried to do it for me, right? I'm strengthening the psychological boundaries for me. But I'm also really doing it for him, right? Like, I don't want my husband to see in my eyes, that he's too much. Right? Because he's not. The truth is that sometimes my owl brain flies away and I'm overloaded, but that doesn't translate to that he's too much. So I want to keep working really hard to keep strengthening my owl brain, my jello wall. I want to help my owl feel so clear and confident that what's happening here in this energetic space between me and him isn't about me. And it's also actually not about him. It's really just information about the state of his nervous system. 

I want my psychological boundary to know that confidently so that my owl brain can stay in charge and my old brain can soothe my own watchdog and possum brain, and my own protective parts. And be much less likely to get into a big old fight with my husband's watchdog brain, right? And let me just be clear, this is such an enormous work in progress. It's something I recommit to- I literally recommit to this every single morning. I'm up and alone by myself for a long time in the mornings. And that's when I do my own, kind of, I wouldn't call it meditation, but maybe somebody else would call it that, it's my way of being with me and my own kind of strengthening my resolve every single day. Today, I'm going to keep practicing my energetic boundary. And I'm going to do it for me, and I'm going to do it for him. And sometimes I'm really good at it. And some days, I'm really terrible at it. And all of those days, kind of regardless of the outcome, I deserve a lot of compassion. And sometimes I'm good at giving myself that compassion I deserve. And sometimes I am not. It's this process of regularly rupture, and repair with myself over, and over, and over again, continually asking myself: true or not true, about me, not about me. Each time I do it, it's like a little bicep curl for my psychological boundary. 

Being in relationship with folks who set compassionate boundaries, and seeing- who- people who see me as overflowing with infinite worth, has been crucial. It's been a non-negotiable part of developing my own psychological boundaries. And it is really like the primary reason that when I wanted to create something different in my work, and in my business, that what I landed on was what has now become The Club. Right? Like, I can give people trauma informed education. I can give people relationally informed, you know, education and parenting advice. And, and frankly, people can get that from a lot of places, I am not even close to the only person where people can turn for this information. But I do think what's really unique about The Club, and maybe even my podcast, actually, right? Is that it is a unique place for people to get reflected back to them, their infinite worth. For people to be in relationship with somebody, that's me, as well as everybody else in The Club, who firmly believes, regulated, connected kids, and parents, and humans who feel safe, are doing well. Right? That we are all always overflowing the infinite worth and in every unfolding moment, we are all doing the very, very best that we can given what's happening in our own very unique neurobiology in that moment. And we can believe that people are doing the very best that they can, and not judge them for what's maybe kind of bad behavior or very bad behavior. And also hold a very strong compassionate boundary with ourselves and with each other. And that's what I think is pretty unique about what happens in The Club. 

I think it's this experience, that is what prompted a member recently to tell me that I make it easy for this person to work on themselves. Because I never make any excuses for their behavior, but also make them feel so loved and just so perfectly normal. What that member said to me was that they feel that I see their true self. I see their troubles- their struggle. I welcome the parts of them that believe- that they believe aren't welcomeable. But I never make excuses. And I always just love them. That strengthens their psychological boundaries. And frankly, it strengthens mine, like the work that I do to show up in this way for them is part of my own practice of strengthening my psychological boundary. Right? So it's strengthening their cycle boundaries- psychological boundaries, and it's building this strong foundation, so that they can practice things like true or not true ,about me, not about me. And they can practice putting up their own jello wall, whatever that is for them. Whatever they have, that will allow them to take in what's true, and what's about them and leave out what's not true and not about them. So that they can just show up for themselves and their kids, even if their kids are very, very dysregulated. 

It's our psychological boundary that allows us to hold a boundary when our child protests it. Our kids do not have to like the boundaries we set for them and they get to have a watchdog or a possum reaction to them. That's their right and we can hold it. It's our psychological boundary that allows us not to verbally attack back when somebody verbally attacks us. One of the most common questions I get is how will my child know that they aren't supposed to act this way, if I don't respond, if I don't have a boundary? And people say I don't have a boundary- I don't have a boundary, but what they really mean is if I don't give a punishment, right? We talked about that in part one of the boundaries series. And y'all I get that, like acknowledging that. So often when we say, you know, I need to have a boundary, what we often mean is, I need to give a punishment. That's not criticism, I feel that way too. Right? When people make me feel bad, I want to make them feel bad. That is just about being human. And it emerges from my own deeply held implicit belief that I learned when I was very small, that gets triggered when I'm dysregulated, that making people feel bad, might actually change their behavior. I mean, the vast majority of us were parented that way. So it makes perfect sense that we hold these really deep seated beliefs, that when people act bad, we should make them feel worse. And that will change their bad behavior. We just happen to know now, from the science, that that's not true. And we can do our own work on our own psychological boundaries so that our owl brain can stay more in charge and we can remember more often that it's not true. Right?

So when I hear that voice in my head, that is shouting at me “if you don't do something about this behavior, they are learning that it's okay”. I try really hard to like, grab my owl brain’s, like feet, right? Like as my owl brain is flying away, I tried just so hard to imagine just just grabbing its feet. And reminding myself that that fear makes so much sense. But also that we know that regulated, connected kids, and people, and parents who are feeling safe are doing well. Our kids aren't confused about the fact that it's not okay to be hateful. They definitely know it's not okay. In some ways, that's why they're doing it. We don't have to teach them it's not okay, they're not confused about that. But until their our brain has returned, the focus does need to, as much as possible, remain on regulation, connection and felt safety. Owl brains don't hurt people to stay in positions of power and control. Kids who believe they need to use power and control to stay safe including like verbal aggression, and manipulation, they are not in their owl brain, They aren't experiencing real, true felt safety. There are so, so many ways we can keep learning about how to respond to our kids watchdog and possum brains so that they can experience true felt safety. And y'all it's a long journey. It isn't going to happen overnight. It isn't going to come with you learning a new tool or a technique. If it was, you would have already done that. It's a slow process. And the more we strengthen our own psychological boundaries, the more effective that we will be. 

So ways you can keep doing that. Keep listening to the podcast. This free resource, hit play. There's a lot of episodes, you can listen to these episodes over, and over, and over, and over again and get something new and do like a little bicep curl for your psychological boundary probably every single time you listen. So, keep listening to the podcast. You can come and join us in The Club, where you can get this like really supportive community, practice your psychological boundaries, and, yeah, learn really practical ways to reconnect with your child's owl brain after their watchdog and possum brain are feeling safe again. We have a lesson on that in The Club, and it's affectionately nicknamed But What About a Consequence? because as we were always asking “what, but now what? What about a consequence? I have helped their watchdog brain, I’ve helped their possum brain, and so now what? What about a consequence?” So yeah, that's a nickname for it. And it's What to do When the Owl Brain Returns. And that's how we help continue to grow the owl brain so that our kids can eventually find the felt safety they need when they don't feel like they need power and control and our families in order to be okay, in order to be safe. You could also head to RobynGobbel.com/BeingWithDirectory and you'll find a practitioner who has trained with me in my model. Okay? Somebody you might be able to work with individually. You can head to RobynGobbel.com/ParentCourseDirectory and you can find somebody teaching my parent course. Lots of them are teaching it virtually online, so you might be able to find someone. And very, very soon, in September, you'll be able to buy my book. Okay, y'all that is not that soon as I said that. I'm like, why did I say that, very, very soon? It feels like it's so far away. But it probably is sooner than I think. September, you'll be able to buy my book, Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain Body Sensory Strategies That Really Work. Yes, I know that's the world's longest title for a book. [laughter] It takes up the whole cover. And you'll be able to buy it in September. And it will be full of, essentially ways to grow your psychological boundary. I mean, when I think about it, that's, I guess, really what the book is about, is growing our own psychological boundaries, staying in our own owl brain more. So that we can then use our very full toolboxes of- of things to help our kids feel more regulated, connected and safe. And that's also an enormous part of the book, is a huge toolbox full of tools. 

All right, y'all, I'm gonna wrap up this series on boundaries. It's been really impactful for me. It's forced me to really look at some things in my own life. And also just to spend some time learning and- and being in like learner's mind, and curious mind, and really thinking about boundaries in- in a way that I wanted to in order to bring to the podcast, right? It's so easy to get pulled into resentment when it feels like people aren't cooperating with my boundaries. [laughter] And resentment is a feeling that is so uncomfortable for me. And- and when that- when that resentment pops up, I try to see it. It's just like a red flag. A red flag that says whoa, whoa, whoa, you need to pause and tend to your own heart and your own boundaries, my psychological boundaries. Because boundaries aren't about controlling somebody else's behavior as much as I wish they were. 

If you are feeling pulled to explore this more in depth, and even join in on a masterclass with Juliane- Juliane Taylor Shore who was interviewed in last week's episode, you can come and join us in The Club. If you're hearing this in the very future, right? Not when the episode is actually airing. You can still join us, The Club will be open, if it's not open right now, it’ll be open again at some point. And we are always working on boundaries in The Club and the masterclass with Juliane will be available in our- our big on demand video library. But if you are hearing this episode when it originally airs, The Club is open for new members now February 28th through March 6th, at RobynGobbel.com/TheClub. Otherwise, we're just going to keep showing up here on this podcast, you're gonna keep popping in these earbuds. And I'm going to keep writing podcasts and recording them. Because all of those things: you listening, me creating, all of them are helping us grow our own psychological boundaries. And if you've been listening for a while, you could probably pause and reflect on how that's true. How you do feel more regulated. How you do feel more capable of staying present, and offering co-regulation, and offering connection, and- and staying more focused on felt safety since you've started listening. I said just keep coming back, keep coming back, because I'm going to keep recording them. Because I record them as part of my practice, for my own personal psychological boundary. And we just get to be really lucky that they also help you too. So grateful for you, so grateful for what you're doing in the world, what you're doing for yourself, what you're doing for your kids, whoever you're doing this for, whoever you are listening for. It's for you. And I'm so grateful. I will be back next week with a new episode, ‘til then y'all, bye bye.