You Don’t Need More Parenting Experts {EP 67}

Y'all, every single day, for real, every day, I'm connecting with parents in some way, in my inbox from all the emails y'all are sending me, on social media, and you know, on my own social media, in social media groups on other people's social media pages, and- and of course, in The Club, right? Y'all know about The c\Club, which is my community, my virtual community, for parents of kids with history of trauma, kids with big baffling behaviors. The Club brings parents together, provides community, connection, co-regulation, a little bit of education, and professionals are in The Club, too. And they're learning like right alongside with us. But ever, so every day, I'm surrounded by folks who are struggling and confused, not just by their kids' behaviors, though. Like, they're struggling and confused by all the conflicting parenting advice that they're getting everywhere. Right? Again, from social media, from Instagram, from the class that their agency had them take, from the class that they- they found on the internet, from their parent coach, from their therapist, from their doctor, from their child's school. Right? Like, everybody has something to say. And a lot of people have really great ideas, really great things to say. Right? But sometimes even the really great people who have really great things to say are giving out conflicting parenting advice, right? Like, one experts says, help your kids name their feelings and name your kids’ feelings for them. And then other parenting experts are saying no, don't do that. Right? Some parenting experts are saying eye contact is really important. It's really important that we, you know, support and encourage eye contact from our kids. And then others are saying no, no, no, no, no, don't force eye contact. Which just to be clear, we should never be forcing eye contact. But, you know, some parenting experts say- but did you like how I did that to you. Right? Like I just broke my own rule and said we should, you know, parenting experts that are out there giving like this cut and dry, non negotiable, very black and white parenting advice are ultimately just causing a lot of confusion. And y'all know that I work really hard to like, live in the in between, live in the ‘both and’. And I can believe that that's true. That there's a lot of parenting advice, a lot of parenting experts that's just too black and white, it's causing too much confusion. And I can also believe that we shouldn't ever be forcing our kids to get those eye contact. We can, of course, encourage eye contact as something that's connecting, as something that's theoretically regulating, while also acknowledging that every human is different. And for some, eye contact isn't going to be experienced as connecting and regulating. And no matter what, we should never be forcing people to do things that we think are connecting. But I don't know, that's probably a whole other episode. 

Anyway, right? Everybody's got an opinion, some experts are saying like, never, ever, ever change your expectations of your child. You have to be predictable. And then other experts are saying, like, don't hesitate to change your expectations to match your child's capabilities in the moment. Which would probably be more along what I would say. But ultimately, what we end up with is that parenting kids with really big baffling behaviors is nothing if it's not extremely confusing. Our kids' behaviors are confusing. And then going to search for help and support is as confusing and overwhelming in ways, you know, in some ways, as our kids behavior is. So, you go search, right, you search for help, and you find it. Yay! Right? It feels so good to finally stumble across a resource that lets you feel so seen and so known. Like oh my gosh, this person really gets it. And I know that feels so good, because so many of you write to me and say that, right? And then you look for more help. But the next expert contradicts the first one. And then your neighbor shares a podcast, they recommend something completely different. And then oh, yeah, grandma sends you an article that is intended to be helpful. But once again, it says something completely different.

Now I know that when it feels like everything is crumbling down around you, finding an expert who says that they have a foolproof answer is relieving. It's regulating to us as the grown ups, it helps us feel less alone, it helps us feel less hopeless. And it's really important to be able to feel not alone and not hopeless, right? Because not feeling alone, not feeling hopeless helps us feel more regulated. And without question we parent better when we're more regulated. But getting really specific tools, and techniques, and strategies almost always backfires. I mean, I think about it like this, like it's kind of like how behavior charts can really work for some kids in the short term. But then, ultimately, they backfire. Right? That it tends to- there's a lot of reasons why parenting, quote unquote experts who understand like the neurobiology of behavior, and the impact of trauma, and the importance of connection and co-regulation, there's a lot of reasons to advocate against using behavior charts without question. But also the reality is, is that it's not necessarily that they don't quote unquote, work in the short term. Right? They can work the same way that having an expert give you like a toolbox full of, you know, identified tools can work in the short term, and then ultimately, it backfires. And it's for the exact same reason. And that reason is that the parent- the behavior charts aren't solving the real problem. Right? And parenting experts who only teach, quote unquote, what to do. They're not solving what the real problem is. 

What parenting experts would be so much more helpful if they did and ultimately, y'all would feel less confused. As if we were doing a better job taking the science of behavior, the science of the autonomic nervous system, if we did a better job, taking the science and putting it into some sort of package that made it easy for overwhelmed, stressed out parents who need real solutions can take in, right? And that really is my biggest passion. I know for sure that it can sound really exhausting. But the only person who can become an expert at your kid, besides your kid, so hopefully that goes without saying, but the person who is an expert at your kid is actually your kid. And besides your kid, the only other person who can become an expert at your kid is you.

I absolutely know that having somebody like myself give you tools and strategies, like, that's super regulating. Having a toolbox full of parenting tools and scripts to say when faced with, you know, specific problems like disrespect or lying. You know, or even like a sensory strategy, I really like to give sensory strategies for- for challenging behavior. Like a sensory strategy, like offering a drink or a snack to your child who's being really sassy or back talking, right? You know, all of those things, scripts, tools, sensory strategies, without question, your tools are important. And the reality is, is that parents aren't experts in the sensory system, right? You’re not experts at the science of behavior and having a script to respond to a problem when you otherwise have no idea what to do or say, that's great. That's super helpful. And sometimes they'll work. Right? The strategies are going to help you feel more grounded, and more regulated, and less helpless. And that's a really, really important aspect in parenting, not feeling helpless, feeling more grounded, feeling more regulated. But sometimes your really sassy child who previously loved that smoothie that you offered is going to scream no back in your face. You know, like this has happened in my life. And sometimes that ‘try that again with respect’ script is going to be met with a sneer or worse. And it's not because these are bad strategies. No, no, no, no, no. These are great strategies that make sense. Sometimes. Right? I mean, it just all really just depends on your child, your history, their history, how dysregulated they are, what's happened in the moments leading up to this moment, right? There's just so many variables. 

But what if you can understand the science behind this strategy? Offering a drink to a sassy kid is potentially regulating because offering drinks is a nurturing gesture, and there's a sensory component to drinking something, right? Does your kid like hot or cold drinks? What about something thick that you have to drink through a straw. Sucking can be regulating So drinking something thick through a straw could be a good idea. But if your kid is too dysregulated like barking, growling, watchdog terror dysregulated. You know, when I say terror, I'm talking about Dr. Bruce Perry's state independent functioning his arousal continuum, right? Like, let's just say super, super dysregulated. Right? If your kid is super dysregulated, and you offer them a smoothie, what's the most likely thing to happen? Well, honestly, maybe the most likely thing to happen is that drink or that smoothie gets tossed at you, right? Or at the very least turned upside down and there's a huge mess. It's not, though, that that strategy doesn't quote unquote, work. It's not that drinks aren't regulating. It’s just wasn't the right tool for the right moment. 

And the same thing with really great scripts, you know, scripts like ‘try that again with respect’ can be a great option. It is a great option for a child who's mildly dysregulated. You know, this means that there's enough connection still intact between you and your child that the child is interested in preserving that connection. Right? This means that the level of dysregulation is mild enough that language can still be processed, meaning they can understand your words. And language can still be accessed, meaning they can form words and actually try saying whatever it was that they said disrespectfully, more respectfully. But when your child responds with a curse word and a shocking gesture, again, it's not that that tool didn't work. And I hear that a lot from rightfully stressed out parents who are overwhelmed by the number of tools they have in their toolbox that have come from a lot of different places that they- but what they haven't been given is the science and the understanding of when a tool might be appropriate. And then what to do if it doesn't- if it's not helpful, like but doesn't prompt more regulation, or connection, or felt safety. And that's what I mean by works. Right? I'm actually not overly concerned, in the immediate outcome, with changed behavior. I'm looking at, did what I did in this relationship, prompt or bring about more regulation, or more connection, or more felt safety? Did that smoothie I offered bring about more regulation, or connection, or felt safety? Did saying like, “oh, hey, I will absolutely get that glass of milk for you. Can you just try asking again, with a little bit more respect?” Did that bring about more regulation, or connection, or felt safety? And the answer is that yes, sometimes it absolutely will. But sometimes it absolutely won't. Right? 

So it's not exactly that a tool works or doesn't work. It's that was it the right tool for the right moment. Right? Were they too dysregulated? If so, it wasn't the right option for that moment. Almost always, when folks are asking me to address a very specific moment in parenting, usually a specific behavior that they're finding problematic. My answer is probably sort of obnoxiously like, well, that depends. What's the child's level of dysregulation? What's happening in their body? Let's check out felt safety. And remember, felt safety isn't just about the relationship. Felt safety is about the environment, your child's inner world, all their previous experiences matter, too. I've definitely found- you've probably heard me say this before that the concepts of felt safety is actually pretty misunderstood. So if you're not sure, if you're- our understanding of felt safety in the same way that I mean it, meaning it's more it's not just about relationship. And our job as the adult, it is only about offering safety. Like I can't- I have no control whether somebody else receives my offers of safety. But I have previous podcast episodes on felt safety. I have a previous podcast episode called Connection or Protection, and that one relates to felt safety. And I have one of my very first episodes, it's called No Behavior is Maladaptive. And that episode helps us understand how all of our previous experiences are impacting how safe or not safe we feel in any moment. Right? 

So sometimes, you know, somebody will be like, we’ll say that your child's behavior is about lack of felt safety, and it's like, what are you talking about? My child’s totally safe, everything's been fine. Well, what we do need to get curious about is, sure, objectively, in this moment, everything seemed fine and safe. But all of us are bringing to this moment, all of our previous experiences, and all of those kind of mash up together to inform how safe do I feel in this moment. So anyway, I've already said more- I've gotten off track here. But yes, previous episodes on felt safety: Connection or Protection, and the No Behavior is Maladaptive, you might want to check- check those out.

And then, of course, there's the reality that our kids are only going to come into regulation, and connection, and felt safety if we are regulated, and connected, and our nervous system is able to offer safety. Which doesn't make our kids' behavior problems our fault necessarily, but it does mean that our first priority is always to attune to and check ourselves, right? If we're just regulated, and y'all sometimes rightfully so. If this is the first time you've ever found me, like the first podcast episode you've ever listened to, you're still getting to know me. But if- if it's not your first episode, you've probably already gotten the sense that this is a no shame, no blame parenting space, right? Like, parents get dysregulated ,you get dysregulated, I get dysregulated. And I'm not really aiming to never get dysregulated. Sometimes things are happening around me that warrant a pretty dysregulated response. Sometimes they don't, but I can only be so super human, right? 

So there's this way that we're balancing both. Like we want to aim to be more regulated, while also acknowledging that we're not superhuman, and sometimes we get dysregulated. But anyway, if we are dysregulated, and like I said, sometimes very rightfully so, how can we expect our kids to become more regulated? Like even if it's completely reasonable that I'm dysregulated, it certainly isn't going to happen that my kid gets more regulated from that, right? So regardless of the why, the truth is, is that our first steps towards, you know, helping our kids become more regulated, more connected and more, you know, experiencing felt safety is tending to our own regulation, right?

Parenting experts, and also, I recognize that you might consider me one, but I actually don't consider myself a parenting expert. But parenting experts are easily at risk of disempowering parents. And I don't believe that that is their intention, at least not the majority of them. Right? I don't believe that at all. I do think that it's very easy for professionals to feel a lot of pressure to know how to solve somebody else's problem. And I think that this pressure is actually only increased with greater accessibility to help. Like through- like through things like this, or podcasts, through books, through online courses, even through like Instagram, and Facebook. How many of you have gotten really great support and parenting simply by being on social media? I mean, that's amazing. I'm so grateful for that. And it has also kind of contributed to this expectation for people out there, you know, offering parenting advice, to be able to, quote unquote, solve a problem in a step, or three steps, or five steps. Understandably, that's really what parents want, right? And then parenting experts really want to give parents what they really want, because we really, really, really want to be helpful. Right? But again- then it- there's this unintended negative consequence, that the more we rely on an expert to tell us what to do, the less empowered we are. Right? And honestly, I don't consider myself a parenting expert. But you know, what I know a lot about? I know a lot about the nervous system. I know a lot about the science of safety. I know a lot about how behaviors emerge from our autonomic state. Right? I happen to know a lot about attachment. And I understand the neurobiology of disorganized attachment, how this translates to behaviors. So I've just had a lot of really fortunate opportunities in my life to study and to study intensely, right, the science. And I've had a lot of cool opportunities in my life, to then make the science come alive in real life, right? Like, I haven't just sat by my computer and read for 20 years, and then teach that. Like I've combined what I've learned with- with what's happening in real life. I've just been really lucky to have super, really neat, cool experiences, and opportunities to really dive into, understand the science of behavior, study with some experts in the field. And I seem to have a knack for translating some of that science in a way that makes it applicable to your real life. So that's what I do. I teach about that. And then I want you to take what I teach you to become your child's expert. I want you to understand the science of safety, and what behavior really is.

And then of course, I also want you to apply all that information to yourself. So that you can have some compassion for yourself t- too right? With a few tools in your back pocket, and an understanding of why those tools work, and then some compassion for yourself so that you can stay regulated, too. Then ultimately, what happens is you become your child's expert. It is so great to get ideas from others. I get a lot of ideas from other people, like a lot of ideas from other people. Ideas about parenting, ideas about growing a business, about being a good partner, about being a good friend, about being an aerialist, right? I get lots of ideas from other people. People who have gone before me, people who have tried things and can show me like what's worked for them, and what doesn't work, and why. But ultimately, they're all just ideas. You know, I can combine those ideas with what I know about my child, my business, my clients, my partner, my friends, and my body. And then the magic really happens. Then I can use my regulation, my embodied attunement to myself and to others and allow my quiet wisdom to guide what my next step is. And definitely I get things wrong a lot in parenting, and partnering, in business as- as a helper. But because I'm in the relationship as my full self, and not just as somebody who's acquired a toolbox full of tools, and is using them in some kind of pre-scripted or manufactured way, I could just use the mistake that I made, inform or help me know like what to do next.

So we're gonna keep learning about the science of behavior, right? We can make sense of what feels impossible to make sense of. Which is your child's behavior. We can work together to grow your window of tolerance, become your child's expert, yet at the same time, stay curious and humble enough to know that actually, your child is their own expert. And we can learn from the experts for sure. I learned from experts. Like I am somebody who seeks out experts. Like when I need to learn something, to master something, to bring something into my life, and get better at it. I go to the teacher, I go to the expert, I go to the person who's been before me.

But I also want to learn the why. Right? And in this situation, that's about like, it's about the science of behavior. And it's about your actual own child, and it's about your child's history, and how all those things combined together. And ultimately, what we have is this behavior that we can see, right? But we all- that- the behavior is just the part that we see. What I'm most curious about is all those things that we can't see. And then using the science of behavior, the science of the autonomic nervous system, the science of safety to generate ideas on how we might be able to bring safety and regulation, you know, offer that to your child's nervous system. And knowing that regulation and safety typically translates to improve behavior. 

When you know the why, when you understand what behavior really is, and the science of safety, you’ll be able to figure out how to approach any behavior, right? Any behavior! And when- so when people ask me about specific behaviors, I take a breath. And I go, and what's the science? What's the science? Where is this behavior emerging from? Right? And then that's how I answer. And there's nothing particularly unique about me and my ability to use the science and then blend that together in a way that helps us come up with an answer. So that's why I'm so passionate about teaching the science, teaching the why. When you know the why when you understand what behavior really is, in the sense of safety, you'll be able to figure out how to approach almost any behavior. Or again, like at least a lot of them, maybe not all of them, but a lot of them. And then you'll feel a lot more confident just acknowledging when you have absolutely no idea what to do next, because y’all, neither do a lot of the experts. And it's brave and vulnerable and honest to say, huh, I have no idea what to do next.

Alright, so anyway, if you haven't seen or watched my free masterclass, that's called What Behavior Really Is, I definitely recommend going over and grabbing that. You get it right on my website. It's just a great jumping off point on becoming your child's expert. Right? You can grab that at RobynGobbel.com/masterclass I'm actually working on getting the content from that video series turned into an ebook. And who knows maybe even by the time you hear this, that's already happened. But at the time of recording, that's still in the works. Taking that video series, making the content from it and- and crafting this gorgeous ebook, like the Brilliance of Attachment ebook that you might already have of mine. That's my writing. But I had a colleague of mine design it and create this like beautiful book out of it. So anyway, my colleague, Elisha Bidwell, dear friend is going to do that with the What Behavior Really Is video series as well. So if you snag that video series now and the ebooks not done yet, don't worry, I'll be sending the ebook to everybody once the once it's done. So anyway, that was very long winded RobynGobbel.com/masterclass to get What Behavior Really Is. 

All right, y'all. I'm so grateful. So grateful you're on this journey with me. Understanding the science of behavior has like seriously literally changed every single one of my relationships. It's gotten me through COVID. It's brought me a piece that I didn't even know was possible. And that's just what I want for you too. And maybe, just maybe, then your kids nervous system will experience and regulation and, and their behavior will change, too. So keep coming back, keep coming back to the podcast. That's what we do here. We're translating the science, making it useful to you. I've got so many free resources over on my website. If you would like to do this work inside of community, because that's really where the brain changes, and maybe you don't need that. Like maybe listening to the podcast getting my free resources, maybe that's enough for you. And that's amazing. But if you're struggling to implement any of this, it's not because you're not a good parent, or because you're doing it wrong, or you don't understand it, or any of those things. It's- it could certainly could feel that way. But what- that's really about like, knowing something, and having a hard time doing it is really just about not having enough connection and co-regulation in your life. It's the same thing that's true for your kid, right? Like your kids, for the most part, know what the right behavior is, they're just having a hard time doing it. It's simply because there's not enough regulation, connection, and felt safety on board in their- in their nervous systems. And that's true about us as the grown ups too. So if you feel like, oh, I'm learning the stuff, and I really know it, and it really makes sense. But I'm really, really, really, really, really struggling to implement it like, really do in real life. It's not because there's something wrong with you. It's because you just need more connection and co-regulation in your life. And that's exactly what I created The Club for. So The Club- information on The Club is also over on my website, I'm expecting to open the club up for, again, for new members, probably around the very, very beginning of March 2022. If you're hearing this after that, you'll just have to check my website to see when it's going to open- open again. The Club is presently, like, under construction. So my team and I are building a beautiful new clubhouse for all The Club members and will shortly be bringing current Club members into our new clubhouse. And then we'll be opening our doors for new Club members. Like I'm expecting that to be the beginning of March 2022. You can read about the club at RobynGobbel.com/TheClub. But, y’all, that's- that's really all it is. It's not that you're- you're not a bad parent. You need more connection and co-regulation in your life. And that's exactly what I created The Club for. And that's exactly what's happening in The Club. These parents in The Club are amazing. And we would love to have you in our doors open. Anyway, got off track again, the less I use a script for my podcasting, the more off track I get. So that's just how it goes. Alright, y'all. Great to be with you today. Come back next week. I can't wait.