Not flipping your lid…when your kid flips theirs {EP 10}

Robyn: Registration will be open until January 8th. If you're listening to this episode after January 8th, know that I plan to open registration again, probably near the end of March 2021, if you sign up on the waiting list, I'll make sure you know exactly when doors open again.    

Robyn: Let's dive into today's topic, not flipping your lid when your kid flips theirs. Hands down, one of the most common questions I receive usually has something to do with how to stay anchored and all that goodness you know about brains, behavior, regulation and felt safety when your kid is going bananas, when they are really dysregulated and out of control, or when they're doing that one thing that just really grates on you, or they've asked the same question for the billionth time, or they're just totally ignoring you, or maybe they don't seem dysregulated at all, but are still completely oppositional or outright defiant. I mean, honestly, right? It's really easy to stay regulated and grounded in parenting with the brain in mind when our kids are also regulated, but since dysregulation is literally contagious, we start to lose our foothold in regulation when our kids arousal and dysregulation begins to increase, this is totally normal, right? It doesn't make you a bad parent. Just makes you a real, live human being, just like the rest of us.    

Robyn: Now, staying regulated yourself and being able to offer regulation, connection and felt safety isn't a guarantee that your child's arousal will decrease or that they'll become regulated, or they'll experience the felt safety you're offering, or even that their behavior is going to change. So staying regulated yourself isn't the only thing that's important, but it's still a pretty important piece of the equation. If you're new to parenting through the lens of regulation, connection, and felt safety. Head over to RobynGobbel.com/masterclass for a free 40-minute masterclass that will help demystify your kids behaviors and show you these three most important things to consider when trying to support your kids behaviors, regulation, connection, and felt safety.    

Robyn: And if you're listening to me for the first time. I also want to just pause for a second and say perfection in parenting is never, ever required. It's not something I believe. It's not something that's supported by the science. It's not only not required, but even if it was possible, which it absolutely isn't, it wouldn't even be good for you or your kids. I talk a lot about what we can do as parents to help our kids, because we're really the only person that we can control, but our kids are their own people, and we're not in control of their behaviors when it comes right down to it, staying regulated in the face of intensity and dysregulation is just like anything else. It requires a lot of practice. Now, maybe this can feel like a relief to you, because your kids give you a lot of opportunities to practice trying to stay regulated in the face of their dysregulation. It's no more about just learning a set of skills and learning them than it is about your kids learning a set of skills and using those skills. If anything was actually that easy, you would likely not even be listening to this podcast. So learning the skills isn't enough, but still, it's a really, really important piece.    

Robyn: Hopefully, it goes without saying that the most effective thing to do to grow your capacity for stress and increase resilience actually happens more outside the moments of stress, right? Like when you're not faced with really challenging behavior or your kids dysregulation when you're not in those moments is really, truly the best time to practice growing your capacity to tolerate those moments. But today's episode is specifically about how to not flip your lid while your kid is flipping theirs. So that's exactly what we're going to be talking about today. We'll go through some steps in this episode, and then you can head over to RobynGobbel.com/notflippingyourlid, to read a blog article and see the steps in writing, because usually seeing things in a writing can be a helpful piece in kind of anchoring and remembering those steps. So I'll put that article in the show notes.   Okay, so the very first thing to do, and remember, I'm talking about in the moment when you're faced with a stressful situation with your child, but it's not a dangerous situation with your child, the very first thing to do, step number one, is to notice the reaction that you're having. That's it. Just notice it. Oh, I'm freaking out. Oh, I'm starting to flip my lid. Oh, I'm starting to go bananas, just like my kid, right? Noticing- the act of noticing yourself gives you this bird's eye view, or this astronaut view that we're looking at our behaviors, are looking at our experience, and this is an absolutely crucial part of the process. This noticing, this bird's eye view or this astronaut's view, it creates a little bit of distance, a little separation. When you see your experience or you notice your feeling you get to distance yourself from it. You can see the feeling instead of completely becoming the feeling. So step number one is simply to just notice it. That's it.    

Robyn: Then step number two, this will probably surprise you, but step number two is to acknowledge that your experience is real. Okay, I work with parents who are working so hard to see beneath their child's behavior or not get triggered by their behaviors, or really understand where their kids behaviors are coming from, that sometimes they start to criticize their own experience. Parents are criticizing their reaction, or get being hard on themselves for having this reaction, even though they know that this is, you know, a trauma based reaction from their child, or that the child's behavior means, you know that simply that they're not regulated or or whatever, that we're working so hard to see our kids behaviors, through this new lens that we unintentionally kind of criticize or demean or even downplay our own experience. So the second step after noticing your experience is to acknowledge that it's your real experience. Don't try to talk yourself out of it or convince yourself that you're overreacting, or really say anything to yourself at all accept something like, wow, my brain thinks this is scary or overwhelming, or whatever it is that is under the reaction that you're having, acknowledge that it's real. It is your experience. It doesn't really matter if it's quote unquote reasonable, or if it's, you know, quote unquote helpful, or if it's a the response that you want to have, it is your response, period, in this moment, kind of, end of story. So it's just an acknowledgement. Wow. My brain must think this is really scary, this- we'll call this inner attunement, this attunement to self, right? So we're not saying that the reaction is helpful. We're not saying that the reaction matches the problem. We're just acknowledging that it's your reaction.    

Robyn: Okay, it's an inner attunement, an inner a way of just being with what is, and this is a really important part of the process. So again, number one was notice number two, acknowledge your experience is real. And then the third step is offering yourself self-compassion, right? I have a whole other episode on self-compassion. So if the idea of self-compassion is new to you, you're going to want to go back and check that episode out. I also blog about self-compassion. I talk about self-compassion a lot, so go check out that previous episode that I did about how self-compassion keeps you regulated. What self-compassion might sound like in the moment of your child's dysregulation could sound something like, wow. This is so hard, or this is so hard to parent this child. It's hard to be constantly on alert. It's hard for my nervous system to be regularly going bananas. It's exhausting. I'm doing the very best that I can, and it is hard, right? So self-compassion and self-pity or different. And a lot of the difference between self-compassion and self-pity is really that tone. It's the energy that's underneath it. Self-compassion has a mindful, gentle kindness to it. Wow, this is so hard. Again, that's just inner attunement. It's just acknowledgement. Yeah, this is really hard. Parenting a child who has experienced trauma is hard enough that you're seeking out resources and listening to podcasts and reading blog articles about it. I mean, that's hard.    

Robyn: Okay, so we've done noticing, acknowledging, offering self-compassion. And now at this stage, you actually may have already done the next step without even thinking about it. And the next step is take a breath, a good breath in with a longer exhale. Relax your shoulders, your fists or your eyes. Relaxing your body, maybe even sitting down, and that breath of a long exhale helps us send a message to your brain that says, hey, I'm okay. This is a stressful situation, and I have to deal with what's happening, but I'm not in physical danger. And like I said, By time you've gotten to this point, by the time you've noticed acknowledged it as real, offered self-compassion you may have already without even thinking about it, taken that big breath in, right but if not, be intentional about it. Big breath, long exhale. Physically relax your body send a message to your brain that says, I'm going to be okay. What's happening here is hard. It's stressful. I've got to deal with it, but I'm going to be okay. I'm not in physical danger in this moment.    

Robyn: So by now, after these four steps, you may have already successfully recontacted to your own thinking brain, which means you're not necessarily calm, but you're no longer feeling like in your in extreme danger, right? Maybe you're feeling just as though there's a situation at hand that needs to be managed, which is completely true, but you're no longer in this intense kind of fight-flight, flipping your lid, state of energy. And also the reality is, is that aiming for calm while your kid is kind of going bananas or flipping their lid. Aiming for calm may not even be what you want to aim for. There is a way of being with somebody who is pretty dysregulated that we could call matching their energy or matching their level of arousal, but without the dysregulation. And so when somebody is really kind of flipping their lid or going bananas, calm might actually not be what you're aiming for at all. So this idea of matching the energy, but not the dysregulation is a pretty tricky skill. It takes a lot of practice. It's going to be what the January master class is in the club.    

Robyn: So again, if you're lucky enough to be listening to this episode before January 8th, you can hop on and join the club before registration closes at the end of January 8th, and then January's masterclass is going to be on this exact topic. How do we match the energy, but without the dysregulation? Okay, so by the time you've gone through these four steps, noticing, acknowledging, self-compassion, big breath, long exhale, you might not be calm, but you might have reconnected to your own thinking brain enough that now you can connect with your kid and manage the situation, but maybe not, maybe after those four steps, you still aren't quite there. Yet you haven't quite reconnected to that thinking brain quite well enough, right? And maybe the situation isn't so dire that you do have a couple more seconds where you can help yourself come into some more regulation. So for me, the next step, which I guess is at this point is like step five. What can be helpful for me after I've taken that big breath with a long exhale and I've sent cues of safety to my own body, the next thing that I often will do is to bring to mind who I would call my people, the people in my life who have my back, the people in my life who show up for me and support me no matter what, the people in my life who will hold me accountable, but will do that with compassion.    

Robyn: I literally picture these people behind me with their hands on my back, literally physically supporting me. I hear their voices, and their voices are soothing and inspiring, not critical and harsh, right? I actually have a physical object in my house that represents these people to me, and sometimes I can bring that object to mind, or maybe even go and get the object, like, go hold it, or put my fingers on it. And that helps me bring to mind my people. And really, what I'm doing here is leaning into the co-regulation of these individuals, these people that I have internalized. And so I'm leaning into this internalized co-regulation, and that can offer me a little bit of additional regulation. Then if I still have time, and if I still need more help with my own regulation, I'll go back to self-compassion again, and I often use Kristin Neff's self-compassion mantra. It sounds like this is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment, and may I give myself the compassion that I need?    

Robyn: So I learned that self-compassion mantra right from Kristin Neff. It's in her book 'Self-Compassion.' If you head back over to my blog, RobynGobbel.com/notflippingyourlid. I've written that mantra in there. And then again, it's also in Kristin Neff's book, Self-Compassion. I recommend her work all the time. It's very inspiring. It's wonderful. Self-compassion, in a way, is one of the most important experiences you could cultivate in your own nervous system when parenting a child impacted by trauma. Okay, so maybe by now I'm ready to be with my kid and connect. With my kid over whatever that real problem is. And my kid might think that the real problem is that I won't give them, like more screen time, or that I'm asking them to complete their homework or do a chore, but I know that the real problem lacks- I'm sorry, the real problem lies in, most likely, a lack of connection to themselves or to me, or lack of regulation or a lack of felt safety so I can tackle the real problem, regulation, connection or felt safety, and not get sucked into just fighting about whatever the surface problem is, right? If I'm dysregulated, if I lose access to my own thinking brain or my own Owl brain, I am much more likely to kind of jump down the rabbit hole of whatever my child is telling me is the problem, and then I lose connection to what the real problem is, right? Which is something about connection or regulation or felt safety. So I know that you're very likely not taking notes while you're listening to this podcast.   

Robyn: So again, you can head over to Robyn gobbel.com/notflippingyourlid, and you'll get all of these steps in writing. Number one, notice. Number two, acknowledge that it's real. Number three, send yourself some self-compassion. Number four, take that breath. Offer yourself cues of safety through your body. Relax your fist, relax your shoulders, relax your eyes, maybe even sit down. Number five, bring to mind your team, the people who have your back, who will speak to you with compassion, who offer you co-regulation. Number six, offer yourself more self-compassion. Number Seven then brings us to being able to focus on what the real problem is.   

Robyn: This might seem really impossible to do, like these are a lot of things to do in the middle of, you know, some intense dysregulation with your child, or something that's really triggering you or leading you down your own path of dysregulation, right? And it makes perfect sense that this feels really impossible, like a really long list of things to do, right? It's like it would be impossible for me to go out and run a marathon today, right? Or It'd be impossible for me to climb my aerial silks using only my arms. So I am not a very good aerialist, but I've been taking aerial silks classes and lessons for the last couple years, and absolutely adore it. It takes a ton of strength, strength that I'm still really building. And I tell you what, even two years in, I can't climb the silk using only my arms, right? Like just pulling myself up the silk on my arms, I'm still using my feet and my legs a lot, but that doesn't mean that it's always going to be impossible. It just means that I have to keep trying a lot like I have to keep doing a lot of practicing, and sometimes it hurts because growing those muscles stresses those muscles, and if I want to grow the muscles to climb myself using only my arms. I'm absolutely going to get sore, no question about that.    

Robyn: But I'll still practice and I'll still just go one step at a time, and then maybe two. I'll practice these seven steps towards not flipping my lid when my kid is flipping theirs, when I'm only mildly dysregulated, right? Or I'll do a mental-like practice session, like I'll do it in my mind by reflecting on a situation that has happened in the past. Like I'll rewrite the scene in my mind's eye, and in my imagination, and in my imagination, I'll do the steps. So just like anything else, with practice, this is going to become easier, it's going to become more automatic, and it's going to become more implicit. So it won't take long, like you'll be able to do these seven steps in like a second, and of course, also, just like anything else, doing something hard is way easier when you do it with someone else. So just like anything else, learning the steps and doing the steps, especially when you need to, like especially when your kids dysregulated, and you're starting to get dysregulated. Those are two completely different things, and this is exactly why I created The Club, this new virtual community for parents of kids impacted by trauma. The club is completely resting on the belief. That we all need connection and co-regulation to be our best selves, right? To parent the way that we want to.    

Robyn: When we struggle to parent the way that we're hoping to parent. It's not because we're had parents. It's because we're dysregulated. Right? When I was seeing clients in my office, parents would talk about how coming to these appointments were a weekly dose of co-regulation for them, they had this experience of being really seen and known and held and cared for, but the weekly dose of co-regulation was almost like this booster shot of regulation and compassion for them, right? Because these weekly appointments they could get through another week of parenting a pretty dysregulated kid. The club is definitely not therapy, but connection and co-regulation aren't things that should only be available in therapy or in the therapist's office. That's just not reasonable. Therapy is not accessible enough for that we all need connection. We all need co-regulation, and we especially need it when we are in deep, close relationships with people who are pretty dysregulated, like kids who have experienced trauma, right? So what I have discovered is that we can receive connection. We can receive co-regulation, and it's especially important to receive this connection, co-regulation from other people who are committed to the belief that all of us are always doing the very best that we can, even especially when things are really hard. And that's true about me, that's true about you, it's true about everybody.    

Robyn: So being in a community of people who are committed to offering connection and co-regulation and to this belief that we're all always doing the very best that we can, right, this is a way for us to build our own resilience. Us to build our own nervous systems, that through this co-regulation, we will develop more capacity to navigate all of the stress, all of the dysregulation in our homes, and we can do this virtually. We can connect with others, and we can offer co-regulation to others virtually. And we can do this with people we never, ever, ever get to meet in real life. And this is why I have created the club. The club is going to offer these parenting master classes where you can continue to increase your skills, but it's going to offer so much more than that. So if you're interested, registration is open now through January 8th. So if you're hearing this after January 8th, 2021, you'll still want to head over to my website, read all about it, put yourself on the waiting list, but I am going to close the doors to new members on January 8th, for probably about three months, because I want all of us, like founding members, to come together and work together to create the culture and the community that we're longing for, and a culture and a community that is going to allow the club to last for a long, long, long time, like for years and years and years and years, is my hope. So I'll be opening those doors again, probably at the end of March, beginning of April. So again, head over to RobynGobbel.com you can read all the details if you're happy to catch this podcast episode before January 8th, 2021, you can sign up and come right into the club, or you can sign up to be on that waiting list, and I'll let you know as soon as it's open again. Thank you so much for just continuing to show up for yourself and for your child. You do this. You show up for you. You show up for your kid. You do this every time you join me here for an episode of the Parenting After Trauma podcast, and I can't wait to be with you again next time bye, bye!