Parents Need Co-Regulation, Too! {EP 24}

Robyn: I'm Robyn Gobbel. And this is the Parenting After Trauma podcast, where I take the science of being relationally, socially, and behaviorally human and translate that for parents of kids who have experienced trauma. I'm a psychotherapist with over 15 years of experience working with kids who have experienced trauma and their families. I'm also a self diagnosed brain geek and relationship freak. I study the brain kinda obsessively, including teaching the science of interpersonal neurobiology in a postgraduate certificate program. This is episode 24. And today I'm giving voice to the fact that all humans need co-regulation. And that goes for us too. Us parents, helpers, healers, and educators. I started this podcast 24 episodes ago to get you free, accessible support as fast as possible. So this podcast isn't fancy. And I do very little editing, in fact, to tell you just how not fancy my podcast setup is, my husband said until I can get a good pop filter to go ahead and just put a sock over my microphone. He's an audio tech guy, and he knows these things. And so I said I could just put a sock like right over the microphone? He's like, Yeah, but y'all as I'm recording this podcast right now, the only sock I had handy was the one on my foot. So I don't know, maybe I shouldn't tell you, I took a sock off my foot and put it over my microphone. But that is actually literally what I did right now. If you're lucky, you'll hear a cockledoodledoo too. Because I record this podcast, in my home office studio and our free range chickens sometimes come right up to my door. And y'all it's just more important to me that I get these episodes out to you as fast as possible. And I don't spend a lot of time and I don't invest any money in editing, we'll go ahead and say yet. If you love this episode, add Parenting After Trauma to your favorite podcast player. And please share it with your friends and colleagues. 

Robyn: Be sure to head over to RobynGobbel.com to discover all the free resources I have for you, because there is a ton. While you're on my website, you can also read about The Club, which is a very special virtual space for parents to experience connection, co-regulation of course, and even a little trauma informed education. It's a space for parents and the professionals who support them to come together. And undo aloneness, which was what I talked about two episodes ago. Doors are open for new members now, if you're listening to this episode, the day it launches on March 30th. So doors are open for new members until April 1. So if you're hearing this message after April 1st, -or not this message. I mean, I guess it is a message. But what I meant to say was, if you're hearing this episode, after April 1st, don't worry, we'll open the doors again soon. I'm planning on about every three months. 

Robyn: All brains need co-regulation. By the time we're adults, hopefully, we've had sufficient experiences of receiving co-regulation that our brains, our minds, our nervous systems, our neural nets in our brain have internalized those experiences of receiving co-regulation. And then we can lean into that internalized co-regulation, even when we're technically alone. If you're new to the idea that self regulation is really just internalized co-regulation, you can read a bit more about that over on my blog, I'll put live links in the show notes. Or you can hop over to the Empowered to Connect podcast. Don't do that right now. Wait till you're done listening to this podcast, and then search for the Empowered to Connect podcast in your podcast player. And I was recently a guest, we talked all about this, the idea that self regulation is really just internalized co-regulation, which is, truly it's really based on the science of regulation theory, polyvagal theory, what we understand about the resonance circuitry, and mirror neurons, and all this kind of really cool stuff. So I swear this isn't just some neat idea I came up with off the top of my head. You know, studying so intensely with Bonnie Baddenoch. And together, both of us so intensely studying the interpersonal neurobiology, and the relational neuroscience, that helps us understand how self regulation exists, how it's created. What self regulation really is, this idea that and what Bonnie Baddenoch says is self- the myth, she says the myth of self regulation, and looks at how self regulation is really just internalized co-regulation. 

Robyn: So again, we talk a lot about this with regards to our kids. And I have a blog article. It's called like Building the Tower of Self Regulation. And we're talking all about how to build this internalized co-regulation for our children, that eventually becomes what we call self regulation. But all- this is all true about us, too, right? And so some of us didn't get the co-regulation we needed when our brains were developing. And even for those of us who did get the fo-regulation that we needed, we still, as fully functioning adults out in the real world, we still sometimes need co-regulation. Just like we can help our kids brains develop their regulatory circuitry through offering co-regulation, we can help build our regulatory circuitry by receiving and actually even through offering co-regulation. But the fact remains that yes, even grown ups need active co-regulation sometimes. Like when I'm falling and honestly I'll it- falling really in this way feels a lot more like crashing outside of my own window of stress tolerance. I need help. And for years and years and honestly years. It was my therapist who offered me the co-regulation that I needed, and holy moly, need it I did. Right? Iy- if it had been socially appropriate or y'all like legal, I honestly would have moved into my therapist’s waiting room. Like I fantasized about it in a way that was funny, but also I sort of meant it too. Like there were times where I felt like I needed to be there all the time, even just in the waiting room soaking in the goodness and the energy of that space. Well, what I was really needing was a lot of co-regulation for years and years and years and years. 

Robyn: And nope, I did not move in. I did not go there when it wasn't my time to go. Although I actually think she would have let me if I'd asked, right? If I had said, I really need the co-regulation experience of just being here, I have a sneaking suspicion she actually would have said yes. But what I did instead was just think about it a lot. Right? And in a way, I used to feel really embarrassed to even admit that, right? To admit, and I had these feelings that were so needy, and they felt so small and really embarrassing. But as my circuits of regulation increased, as I became more regulated, more able to hang out in my own window of tolerance, right? I started to realize, like, what's embarrassing about being human? There's nothing embarrassing about being human and having connection and co-regulation needs. We need those things because we're human, right? We all need co regulation. I do. And you do. 

Robyn: When our kids are getting dysregulated quickly, or flipping their lids a lot, or having mountain reactions out of molehill sized problems. What they need is more connection and co-regulation. But you know, just curious, asking for a friend here. Do you know any adults right now who are getting dysregulated quickly? Or flipping their lids a lot? Or having mound reactions out of molehills sighs problems? Like I said, just curious, just you know, asking for a friend. Y’all, the truth is- is that adult brains and kid brains are different for sure. But in this way, we're the same. Lots of lid flipping and mountains out of molehills simply means that there's a brain that needs help, more support, more connection, more co-regulation. 

Robyn: When two nervous systems come together in that energetic space between, their windows of stress tolerance dance together. A more regulated nervous system can lend their regulation to the other, which is gorgeous. And sometimes it's a very active process, right? Like sometimes, this dance of windows of tolerances, this act of co-regulation can sound something like can I get you something to drink? Or how can I help? Or do you want to go for a walk? This act of co-regulation might sound something like wow, that's super hard. Or, of course, you feel that way? Or yes, that makes so much sense to me. Or even, I think what I'm hearing you say is and then attempt to summarize or reflect that back. Am I getting that right? Active co-regulation might sound like a breath. Might sound- it might feel like the touch of a hand. It might look like eyes that are reflecting back your pain. 

Robyn: Sometimes co-regulation is a more passive process. It's- it's the energy in the air that exists between you and your friend, or you and your partner, or a neighbor, or your therapist. It's the energy that exists when you're together and eventually becomes energy you can access when you aren't physically together. If you're parenting a child with a history of trauma, a child with any kind of brain based difference, or a child with a fragile mental health, a child with baffling or confusing behaviors, or a child who seems to feel hurt by your offerings of connection, a child with any kind of special need. You need connection and co-regulation. You deserve connection and co-regulation. You deserve to be seen, and held, and known. And also actually you deserve to offer that same I see you to someone else who is struggling. The giving is sometimes just as needed and as powerful as the receiving. We have to make sure that there's both happening. If you find yourself in a relationship, where it's not equal, it's not even. And you're doing all the giving and very little receiving, that's- that's not what I'm talking about. That isn't co-regulation, it’s not an act of experience of co-regulation. But an act of experience of co-regulation can involve both the receiving of co-regulation and the offering of co-regulation to someone else who's struggling.

Robyn: So, it's been a year y'all, you're right, you're right. For all of us, like everything has just been flipped on its head, in some really hard and painful ways and some ways that have been inspiring, or at least just not negative, right? So last summer, a couple of months into the pandemic, I started getting emails, and social media comments and messages that were basically people, and it might have even been you, telling me that what I was doing was offering them co-regulation. And to be clear, again, these were people who were receiving my emails, or people who were connecting with me on social media. These- these people were strangers, people I've never actually met or had a one on one conversation or interaction with. People who were receiving my emails, or reading my memes. That's it. That's the only way we knew each other. And they were telling me that they were starting to hear my voice in their head, especially when things were hard. They were hearing a soothing voice, a compassionate voice, a voice that was helping them stay grounded even for just a second or two longer. Sometimes that second or two makes all the difference in the world, right? 

Robyn: So I'm getting these messages. And all I can say is that I was thrilled. I mean, it was kind of dumbfounded in a way, it was this like, sensation, this experience, emotional experience for me. That almost had this kind of weird, bordering on slightly maniacal giggle that seems to come from out of nowhere. I mean, I think I was dumbfounded yet all at the same time having experience like, well, of course, this is happening, right? And those emails and those messages. And again, if you were one, and you sent me one of those messages, thank you, because you're responsible for everything that I'm doing now. And for my new commitment to the blogging and the podcasting and in The Club. 

Robyn: So those emails were rocket fuel for me, they like filled a tank that honestly in a way I didn't even know.I needed filling, right? I'm not sure I knew that that tank was there, let alone that it was getting close to empty. But it was. And you were sending me messages. And then me and you, all of y'all out there who are listening, or reading, or connecting with me in some way, shape, or form in this virtual way. We started an official dance of serve in return. An official dance of co-regulation. Again, and it was one of those things where I was like, I couldn't believe it. Yet. I think at the same time, I also already knew in my bones that of course, we could do this. Of course we could do this and here we are, we are doing this. It has been soul filling for me. I needed these returns, these messages, these notes from y'all. More than I knew I needed it, right? A loneliness of the pandemic, a complete pivot in my business, right? Like, if you're new to me, you might not know that when the pandemic happened, I was almost exclusively public speaking. Like literally in public, I was getting on airplanes. I was going to conferences, workshops, training and events. I canceled like 15 or 18 speaking engagements, or transferred them to the virtual space when the pandemic happened.So I had a time period of completely pivoting and figuring out how am I going to connect with these people? How am I going to offer these people what they need when we're not allowed to leave our houses. 

Robyn: And then in addition to the pandemic, my family has just had what I'd call probably the most difficult six months that we've probably ever had. And all of this combined. The pandemic, the pivot in my business, the things that are happening in my own life, all were leaving me just feeling really alone and, at times, sometimes even hopeless. And in the middle of that, you sent a return to me, I offered to serve, and you sent a return. So I just kept serving, right? I started showing up super regularly on my blog in a way I probably never have, and certainly haven't for years. I started this podcast as a way to offer this energetic serve out into the world. And then you're sending it back to me! Sometimes really sending it back to me, you’re sending me messages, and notes, and- and emails, and commenting on social media. But also, you're just energetically sending it back to me, I feel it. I know, you're out there listening. And I feel that energy of you listening, and kind of sending my offerings back to me. And then I was like, “whoa, we've got to really anchor into this way of offering this connection to co-regulation in this virtual space”. And that's why I created The Club. Right? 

Robyn: So this amazing, fascinating, cool experience of serve, and return was, I mean, I was in a way I'm like, at a loss for words. So it was happening. I leaned into it. I looked for ways to really just enhance what was already happening. And then something else happened. Something that I did not anticipate, but in a way, I can't believe I didn't anticipate this. Because what started to happen is y'all started to give to each other too. So through my blog, and through my podcasts, and through the social media, and then, of course, through The Club. You and I got into this co-regulation dance of seven return. And then you all started doing it with each other. Right? 

Robyn: And sometimes this way of- the way y’all are co-regulating one another. It's just energetic, right? As there's all these people all over the world, who are reading my blog, or listening to my podcast, or engaging on social media, or even just reading what I'm putting out on social media. But sometimes you're also engaging with each other. Right? Sometimes you're connecting with one another in the comments of Facebook or Instagram, right? Sometimes your comment gets read by someone else. And it literally changes their whole day, maybe even more than their whole day. And I know that this is happening, because people are telling me that it's happening. And then of course, we're deliberately and with great intentionality doing this over in The Club. Which has become my greatest joy, like my greatest soul filler. If you're reading that you're listening to this. And you're already in The Club. Yeah, I'm just smiling, imagining you and so, so, so grateful, you're there and so grateful you're contributing to that space. And if you aren't a member of The Club, I'd love, love, love, love, love for you to come and join us because The Club has changed me. It has absolutely changed me. And I know it's changing the members, I know it's changing you, right? 

Robyn: It's the connection and the co-regulation that you've been longing for and possibly didn't even know you're longing for it. Cort of like I didn't really even know I was needing it or longing for it. Connection and co-regulation is what we believe changes our kids' brains. So why wouldn't we believe it changes our brains too. And why wouldn't we prioritize it over just about anything? 

Robyn: In this moment, as I'm sitting in my home office, as I'm recording this podcast, I'm imagining my energy going out to you. I imagine you hearing my voice. I imagine you sending your energy back to me. I imagine that you're hearing my voice in your head and as you're hearing this podcast, you're beginning to internalize me. You're beginning to internalize my compassion, my offerings of connection, the tone in my voice, the way that I believe we are all always doing the very best that they can- that we can. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. But you're beginning to internalize me. And therefore your brain is changing. My brain is changing. I mean, I really- just in awe of this. It's truly just beyond words. 

Robyn: So right now, in this moment, I want to invite you, if you're safe, if you're not driving or on the treadmill, because I would fall off if I paused to do this while I was on the treadmill. I'm inviting you to just feel into this. Feel into this energetic serve in return. I'm sending energy to you. You're receiving it and sending it back. Even energetically, even if you never reach out to me, you never send me an email, you and I never have any connection. Other than you listening to this podcast, the energy of the serve and return is still happening. So pause, just pause in this moment, and feel into it. Take a breath. Notice that in this exact moment, you and I are in a relationship. There is a serve, and a return. And another, serve. 

Robyn: Thank you, thank you, thank you for being out there for listening, for returning the serve, even if it's just energetically. For contributing to this amazing intricate web we are all creating together of parents and professionals committed to caring for our kids and for each other. For pausing right now, and imagining the millions of people in the world who know the loneliness, the overwhelm, the confusion of parenting a child who has been impacted by trauma.

Robyn: We can keep growing this community, this web, when you share this podcast with your friends, or your family or your colleagues, we are growing this community. You are offering a new experience to a parent who is feeling lost. You are growing the sea of people who can hold space for you, and offer you the serve and return. This podcast is scheduled to air on March 30th. And we're welcoming new members into The Club now, through April 1st. I have just been so inspired by what all of the current and founding members of the club have created. And oh my gosh, I would just love for you to join us. I would love for you to come and experience what these amazing first founding members have created. In fact, you might be one of those first founding members, right? You might be listening to this and saying like, hey, that's me! So thank you, thank you for what you've contributed, thank you for what you've helped to create. If you aren't one of those founding members, we're waiting for you. Like, literally, we're waiting for you. So you can read all about how The Club is anchored in connection, co-regulation, and then of course, a little bit of education. And so we do tackle concrete topics about parenting and how to grow our own window of tolerance. Right? So in addition to the connection of the co-regulation that's happening, there is some education that's happening. In fact, I'm no longer offering the public webinars that I've been offering for years and years and years. And they were offered to the public, anybody who wanted to join these webinars. I was offering about once a month with snippets of education, right? I have decided to shift all of that and now just offer these webinars or these masterclasses. These focused topics on especially parenting and how to parent some of these challenging behaviors that emerge from kids with a history of trauma. I'm doing them all inside The Club now. So head over to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub, and you can read all about everything that's happening in there. 

Robyn: You can also poke around on the rest of my website because there's tons of free resources available including a free video series about the impact of trauma on memory and behaviors. But if you happen to listen to this episode, and it's April 1st 2021, or before, the doors for The Club are open right now. So you can head there and join immediately. If you happen to be listening to this episode, it is not before April 1st, 2021. All that means is you'll just have to wait a little bit longer to join. My current plan is to open the doors for The Club approximately every three months. This seems to give us some time to welcome in new members, really get anchored in as a group, get solid in our group culture, that connection and the co-regulation and really solidify that anchor into that for a while. And then we open the doors again. 

Robyn: If you are loving this podcast, please, please, please share. The sooner the whole world understands the neurobiology of being relationally, socially, and behaviorally human, the sooner our kids will live in a world that sees them for who they really are. Completely amazing, though, of course, sometimes really struggling. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode, and we will be back together again next week.