Nurturing Your Window of Tolerance as a Parent with a History of Trauma: Part 3 of 6 {EP 252}

Robyn: What do we do? So part one of the series just kind of acknowledged that that's a thing. And then part two of the series looked at how we can take everything that we've learned here on the baffling behavior show, and in my book raising kids with big baffling behaviors, how we can take all that stuff that we've learned about our kids and their nervous system, and how we can apply all of that specifically to ourselves and our own nervous systems that have been impacted by trauma. Now in this episode, we're going to look at how can we nurture and care for, strengthen our own window of stress tolerance when we are actively parenting a very dysregulated child, when we have our own history of trauma and that has caused our window of tolerance to kind of shrink up, and then parenting has caused our window of tolerance to shrink up even more. What can we do about that? What I really hope to do in this episode is strike a balance between offering you hopefulness and the felt sense that there are things that you can do. I want to strike a balance between that and what I think is such a common cultural message of you better figure this out. Try hard enough, and you will figure out how to be more regulated. You need to figure out how to be more calm for your kid. Hey, I wanna strike a balance here. Because, of course, if you've been listening to me, you know that that's not how I feel. I don't have a you better figure this out. Attitude in the least. And I also do want you to feel hopeful, like there are things that you could do right, like I want to help you feel restored, with and connected to your own power and your own agency. We can't even begin to consider how we could strengthen our stress response system, widen our window of tolerance, whatever language you want to use. 

Robyn: We could never begin to consider that we could do that by adding more pressure by adding more, quote, unquote, things to do. Basically, we can't approach ourselves from protection mode and expect that that will bring resilience to our nervous system, right? We can find a way to approach ourselves from connection mode, but I'm also just so cautious of even saying that as kind of something else for you to do. If it feels like hard to impossible to be with yourself, to meet your own nervous system from connection mode, I get it. I totally get. It. What I would invite you to do is give yourself permission to maybe keep listening to this episode, but also not take steps to implement some of the ideas in the in this episode, to really just give yourself the opportunity to rest, to not change anything right now, and also to know that these resources exist, and you could find them again, and you could return to them in the future. We're going to look at how we widen our own window of tolerance, grow our owl brain, strengthen our stress response system, essentially yell the same way that we talk about that with our kids, right in micro moments with a lot of compassion and through the lens of regulation and connection and felt safety, it's very likely that those of you listening have a nervous system that preferences leans toward or is more easily triggered into protection mode. 

Robyn: This is true for our kids too. Those of us with a history of trauma and toxic stress, we can kind of default into protection mode. Living in chronic protection mode is hard and stressful, and most of us, if not all of us, I'm always a little reluctant to say things like all but most of us, if not all of us, have developed a pretty loud inner critic, and that inner critic has emerged from a place of protection, believe it or not, that inner critic that you hear inside your mind is trying to help you, is trying to protect you, is trying to find its way towards safety. And it's also very, very, very painful, even if you know that, even if you have a belief that this inner critic is trying to help you, it's also very, very, very painful to move through the world being constantly accompanied by this inner critic. So when we think about how to widen our own window of stress tolerance, one of the things I think about first is, how can we begin to cultivate a more compassionate experience with ourselves, ultimately, self compassion, I've observed to be probably the most powerful intervention for helping the nervous system rest more in connection mode, to help the nervous system feel safe when it is safe. Self-Compassion, truly, I've observed to be probably the most powerful intervention, but it is also an intervention that feels very, very, very inaccessible to folks who have histories of trauma. And I know at one point it felt absolutely inaccessible to me as well, and as I've done this work professionally and personally over the last couple decades, what I have observed to be so extremely helpful is to be in connection, to be in relationship, to be in environments where folks hold compassion as a value, to be with other people who believe In compassion, or to who holds you in a compassionate lens, even if you don't believe them, even if you think this person's feelings of compassion towards you are total hogwash. It is still super valuable to be in a relationship with that person if you can tolerate it, and then if you can't tolerate it, then we scaffold this. 

Robyn: We titrate this by maybe finding places where compassion is a part of the culture of a group or an experience, but not necessarily having that compassion directed toward you, but just that compassion is a shared experience in the group, being in places where folks are offering and receiving compassion, and ultimately developing the capacity for self compassion is wildly powerful, so I'm going to offer that as one way to begin To widen or strengthen your window of tolerance, find places, be in experiences where other folks really value compassion. I'm also going to acknowledge that this is feeling pretty hard right now, if those of us, especially here in the US, if we're consuming any type of media, a lot of the media that's available to us right now is full of judgment, full of resentment, full of hatred, honestly and it is really hard to stay connected to a value of compassion. Where we're kind of constantly being flooded with information that's essentially saying, you know, people aren't worthy of compassion, and really moving into like the dehumanization of folks is really hard to hold on to our own values of compassion. And so we can also look at, you know, are there places where we need to kind of shift our attention or reduce some of the media that we're taking in, and can we replace that or add to it experiences that are really, truly, you know, valuing compassion on a similar note, finding and nurturing and cultivating connections with others and with ourselves is another really important part of widening our own window of stress tolerance, strengthening our stress response system. 

Robyn: Most of us who have experienced trauma experienced that trauma inside relationship. Some folks, I'm sure, are listening and the trauma that they experienced didn't occur inside a connected relationship, but my guess is that the very vast majority of you who identify with this felt sense of having experienced trauma in your history, that trauma occurred inside a relationship, and probably inside a relationship where it was reasonable for you to assume safety and connection, so risking finding new places in the in The now, where you could expect and experience safety and connection together can be a very important part of widening that window of stress tolerance and connection with ourselves is valid, and also connection with media, with characters, with nature, with pets. Those are all really valid as well. I mean, in an ideal world, we could find places to be in connection with folks who share our values, who also are really valuing connection. Want to have close connected authentic relationships. Want to approach one another with curiosity. Want to set boundaries, but want to set those boundaries compassionately, and can set boundaries about behavior without, like, making these enormous characterological assessments. Like we are all really craving that, and it would be spectacularly spectacular if we could all go out and find that. And yes, that would be a great way to help grow and strengthen our stress response system. 

Robyn: But I'm also aware of the fact that for a lot of you listening, it might seem impossible to find people in your life that are like that, and so I also want to offer some hope around this one, it is absolutely possible to create connections that really impact your nervous system in a positive and, I guess, in a negative way too. But I'm thinking specifically about doing this positively. It is absolutely possible to create connections with folks that you aren't in, like physical, in person, relationship with. You know, I've watched folks build meaningful, rich, nurturing relationships with folks online, for example. I mean, I have met people, quote, unquote, in real life that it's dumbfounding to me that we've never been together in the same room, right? Like that, our entire relationship has been built over the internet. It just feels dumbfounding like that person's nervous system and their presence feels so present to me. So we absolutely can build these relationships and these connections with the help of technology, with, you know, zoom, with video conferencing. I also think we can do it asynchronously. I think when I look at what I know happens inside the club, I'm positive we can do this asynchronously. Yes, in the club, sometimes we do come together for live meetings, absolutely. But you know, the number of people who come to live meetings versus the number of people who are in the club, those numbers are extremely different. They're wildly different. 

Robyn: And folks stay in the club because they're experiencing shift and change in their nervous system, even though, despite the fact that they're really not coming to live meetings again, some people absolutely come to live meetings, and they're getting so much out of that presence and connection with one another. And of course, like all all groups, you know, we have some folks who come to everything, and then we have some folks who come to nothing, and then we have some folks who come occasionally with a wide variety of folks. And one of my beliefs in the club was. To create a space where people could get what they need. So if somebody does need to come to every live event, they can if they want to, if someone doesn't need to, they don't have to. If somebody wants to, just participate in the forum by reading. They can do that if somebody is a very active participant in the forum with responding and commenting or making their own posts, they can do that too. I really wanted to create a space where, however you wanted to be in connection with others, that that was a very valid way to be in connection with other folks inside the club. And I think that that matters. I think that that's that very intentional aspect of how I created that I think that does impact the connection and the compassion that people are experiencing inside the club. 

Robyn: So I'm not attempting to make this some sort of like infomercial for the club, because there are other virtual communities and other virtual spaces. My hope is to really emphasize that these are valid. These are very valid ways of being in a relationship and being in connection with other folks. And for a lot of us, it's probably a little bit more accessible than thinking about, you know, really cultivating in, quote, unquote, in real life relationships, right? But we can use media and other ways as well. I'm positive the vast majority of you listening aren't in the club, and I'm also positive that unless this is your first time here, right, you keep coming back to this podcast, because something about it feels connecting to you. Can you feel connected to me? And over time, you're probably starting to feel more connected to yourself, like more able to be present with your, you know, true, authentic self and all of your own complexity. When I meet folks out in the world, you know, when I'm speaking at conferences or I'm doing trainings, or, you know, I'm come to somebody's community, or even when I have the opportunity to have a meeting with someone on Zoom like, I always have a Zoom meeting with folks who are interested in bringing me in to, like, speak or teach or train their organization. We have this? We always have a Zoom meeting, and it is very common. I mean, probably 90% of the time, folks who I'm meeting synchronously, whether it be in a Zoom meeting or like in a in real life meeting, right? Folks, I'm meeting synchronously for the first time, so many of them have a felt sense of being deeply connected to me, even if we've never met before, even if we've never met before, and I can tell on how they approach me, and oftentimes they say that directly to me, like, Oh my gosh. I feel like I know you. 

Robyn: I feel like we're friends. I hear your voice in my head. You have gotten me through so many hard times and y'all, what those folks are expressing is the truth that we can develop connected relationships with folks, even in those kinds of circumstances, right through, you know, being with, quote, unquote, being with People that we're consuming over media and consuming one way, meaning it's not, you know, like here on this podcast, me and you aren't chit chatting back and forth. That would be fun, but that's not what we're doing. I mean, it's pretty one sided. You're developing a relationship with me, and when I meet you in real life, I hold that truth, like, really front and center, right? Like, I know that you're having an experience now of being able to be with somebody that you feel deeply connected to. And I am really reverent of that, because I know how powerful it is. Because, yes, you can develop connections in this way. How many times have you ended like a TV show or a book and been so sad because now your relationship with those characters is over? I have absolutely done both multiple times, and had this felt sense of like, Oh my gosh. I feel like I've lost a relationship with a close friend, you know, when I was talking about, you know, compassion, and, you know, being in spaces where people really value compassion and connection. And also talking about how that might be too hard to be in a place where people are actually giving you compassion or giving you connection, right, like you might need to kind of scaffold yourself and have this be one-sided at first. 

Robyn: What came to mind for me is when I watched for the very first time ever, the entire series of Schitt's Creek. And of course, shitts Creek is like on so many of our minds right now, with the loss of the. Brilliant, wonderful, Catherine O'Hara, and I remember the first time I watched Schitt's Creek. There was this experience in the first several episodes. I won't give any spoilers here. There's this experience in the first several episodes of like, whoa. I don't like these people, and I don't think I want to keep watching this show. It feels kind of yucky to watch these people, and it's really funny to hear folks on the internet say something over and say that identical, identical statement over and over and over again. Like, you have to get through the first four episodes, you know, the first four episodes really hard tolerate these characters. And there comes a moment and like, I don't know episode series, sorry, season three, maybe where I had this kind of hit me over the head thing. Like, like, really this, like, Oh my gosh. Moment of we are watching these characters shift and change and grow, and we are watching them learn how to love each other, no matter what, no matter what, and that sort of chokes me up, even just saying it right now, like the way that they are so willing to embrace each other's flaws and just believe that each other is, you know, well meaning is just so remarkable. It's not really, you know, indicative of what happens in real life that is a very, very, very hard to do in real life. And being able to observe this fictional experience where folks are being with one another with this core belief of of believing in one another's goodness and and embracing each other's just very human flaws and loving each other no matter what. 

Robyn: That's what I took away from watching Schitt's Creek, and it took, it took a while for that kind of arc, you know, story arc, to feel clear to me, but that mattered to me, that really impacted my own nervous system, and I could pull in even these fictional characters, beliefs that other people are good, even if they're doing some things that aren't so good, but that they're so good. And we can find a way through rupture and repair to be in close relationship with an with one another, and that impacted my own nervous system, and then impacted my kind of willingness to be with other people in that way. So this long, rambling, little side quest I took talking about Schitt's Creek, remember where I started this all from, which was from the truth that if our real life, quote, unquote, real life feels like we don't have a lot of opportunities for connection, for being in relationship with other folks who value compassion, we can actually seek those relationships out in other ways. And I know that there's a lot of sadness and grief in that, right, that we don't have that in real life, and we have to turn to these other experiences, whether it be through virtual relationships or through, you know, listening to this podcast, or reading my book, or other podcasts and other books, or, you know, again, like fictional characters. I mean, I really feel as though Anne of Green Gables, Anne Shirley is like a very, very, very dear friend of mine because of how often I watched those movies and how that impacted me neurobiologically, and how this fictional character has become a part of my own inner community and that that matters, that's a very valid experience of connection and compassion. You've also heard me say a few times that we can pay attention to, you know, titrating these experiences scaffolding them, when our own window of tolerance is so small and our nervous system is so fragile, so fragile, it makes perfect sense that we would approach healing and widening or nurturing that window of tolerance through teeny, tiny, little, micro moments, because, number one, anything else is too much work, and we can't do it. But also, anything else is too much risk. It's so risky to open yourself up to the vulnerability of safety, to the vulnerability of connection, when your nervous system is so close up. 

Robyn: And your window of tolerance is so closed up. So we have to do it in micro moments. We have to do it in microdoses. We have to do it through titration. So a micro moment could be that you try to begin using language with yourself, your self-talk might sound like. Of course, you feel this way. Of course, this is so hard. Of course, you just screamed at your kid, right that you you know that that the micro moment for you is inserting the, of course, language in to your self-talk as a tiny little titrated step towards developing some self-compassion. You could also consider tracking micro moments of okayness. And we want to make sure that if we start to consider how we can notice moments of okayness that we aren't unintentionally, kind of shifting into toxic positivity, or, you know, trying to convince ourselves to something that's bad is actually good, or anything like that, but to just try to start increasing our capacity to notice when things are okay, which could be totally neutral, you know, like it's just something that's not bad. It could be moments of goodness, maybe tiny moments of relief, or moments where you do find yourself connected to some owl energy, or moments where you do notice compassion towards someone else, right? And then the piece here is, is having that experience, having that moment of okayness, and then helping our brains notice those tiny, little, micro moments of okayness, when our brain and our nervous system has been so impacted by trauma, and then we continue to live in so much crisis and chaos. Our brain by design, this is such a brilliant adaptation, right? Our brain stops noticing things that are okay or good it's not safe. Like the brain needs to give all of its energy to paying attention to things that aren't okay or aren't safe. 

Robyn: And there can be this sense of the nervous system that kind of letting go of that job can be too risky, can be too vulnerable. And if we can find a way to balance both like to acknowledge it feels really risky to notice moments of okayness. It feels really scary. It feels really eye rolling, like it feels really ridiculous to have a notice where I have a moment where I'm noticing I'm okay, right? Like I'm in the shower. I've grabbed a two minute shower, the water's hot and nobody's screaming at me, and in these two minutes, I can notice that in this very moment, my body is experiencing a sense of okayness. It could feel like that feels ridiculous, ridiculous to you, like, how could it be helpful in the middle of all your chaos to even consider noticing that moment. And if that does feel true to you right now, I want you actually to just notice that, like, notice that that feels ridiculous to you right now, and that's all you have to do. Just notice that you're just noticing your own truth. You're just noticing your own truth. And maybe also some of you listening, notice that, oh, actually, I maybe could notice that I'm okay. You know when I'm in the shower and the water is hot and it's quiet, or whatever, a moment of okayness could be to you, and starting to develop a practice of tracking and noticing those moments of okayness. Now, y'all, there's probably, you know, a million things we could talk about in this episode. I could make it like an eight hour audio book or something, but I'm going to try to keep this episode less than 40 minutes. So the last thing I'm going to mention in this way that I think folks with their own history of trauma who are currently parenting kids who are very dysregulated, in a way that I think we can consider nurturing our own window of tolerance, is by honoring our limits for. By recognizing this is all I've got.

Robyn: Might even be by recognizing I can't do anything to even consider widening my window of tolerance. That's that is not something that is even mildly capable or accessible to me right now, honoring those limits with compassion, with honesty, with some radical acceptance of like this just is how it is right now. I just can't, I just can't, and I need to prioritize resting. And that might sound like a joke, like, how could you possibly live in your life and also rest? But we could think about maybe it feels like you need to rest in regards to doing something like trying to Widener strengthen your own window of tolerance, like maybe that just feels like more work to you, and you can't do it right. And maybe what we need to do in this moment is to let our protective systems do exactly what it's designed to do. And there have been many, many, many points in my life where I've watched my protective system do things that are harmful, and I'm like, Whoa. There's some consequences to that behavior of my protective system, and to acknowledge the truth of that, and to also acknowledge and right now, I just don't have any energy to give towards trying to change that, and I'm gonna let my protective system just do its job and honor again, honor my own capacity be true to what my nervous system needs in this moment, which, again, could be to just allow your you know, your protective system, your your very narrow window of tolerance, to do exactly what your very narrow window of tolerance is supposed to do, protect you, keep you safe, right? There's just nothing there to give to regulating through stress. There's just not sorry. And can that be okay? Can that be okay without there being self-criticism? Can that be okay without self-blame or self-judgment? Can it just be true? Can it just be true can it just be true that this just is what it is right now? And can it be true without also you kind of falling onto that possum pathway? 

Robyn: You know, there's a difference between kind of radical acceptance and like, I'm just being with myself fully in what's real right now and collapsing into kind of like shame and dissociation of this is terrible, this is awful. This is hopeless. This will never get better. And I get, if that's where you're collapsing into, I totally get that there's no judgment there. And if possible, can we be with our own limits from connection mode. Can we be with our own limits from a true place of just radical acceptance? This is, this is what it is. And I'll also say that, although in no way, shape or form, do I tend this to be manipulative or like, you know, a backdoor entry into widening your window of tolerance. But the reality is, is that being with ourselves with that level of radical acceptance and acknowledging and honoring our own protective system that actually would also be a way to have a little micro moment that could begin to strengthen that stress response system. Now again, that wasn't my intention, that I wasn't trying to be manipulative by any means. But it also is true that if you can be with yourself just in reality and acknowledge your own limits and your own capacity, that is bringing cues of safety, that is a way of being with yourself, with compassion, and that is a way of offering, like this little micro dose to this overall idea of strengthening or widening our window of tolerance. Now also, y'all, there's no end goal. There's not a moment where you cross the finish line and go, Yes, I have widened my window of tolerance. Yay. Done Right. Our window of tolerance is constantly ebbing and flowing and widening and and in collapsing. And this is just about being human. This is just about being alive. And this way of, kind of nurturing and caring for ourselves is this lifelong journey, and at times we kind of fall off the path, and then, you know, something happens, and we're like, oh, I fell off the path. And then we'll, you know, try to reorient our way back back to this journey. Journey of nurturing our own stress, our own stress resilience, right? There's no end goal, so don't approach this as something to achieve, because actually, that would not be a way to widen your window of tolerance. 

Robyn: Okay, approaching this with a checklist, and I can do this, and I'm going to do this, and I can be good enough to widen my window of tolerance. Actually won't widen your window of tolerance, right? It's not about achievement. It's about being with about being with ourselves, right, being with our own experiences, and even being with our own watchdog and possum parts, our own behaviors that we know are emerging from the watchdog and the possum pathway. So y'all, that's what we're going to actually talk about next week, is being with our own watchdog and possum parts. You know, we talk so much about, you know, growing in compassion and understanding and even gratitude for our kids, watchdog and possum parts. So next week, we're going to talk about that specific to ourselves, especially those of us who have a history of trauma. Y'all, there's a few free resources over in my free resource hub that I think could be supportive of you as we go through this six part series, specifically, I'm thinking of like the one page infographic I have about what to do if your nervous system is fried and but even some of the other resources that are about helping you know, learn about the nervous system, learn about behaviors through the lens of the nervous system. You know, so many of those resources are written about your kids, but you can look at those resources and apply it all to yourself. So if you aren't already in my free resource hub, it's free. RobynGobbel.com/freeresourcehub, it's about 25-ish free resources over there that could be supportive for you in this very specific journey of caring for your own nervous system when you yourself have a history of trauma. So again, that's RobynGobbel.com/freeresourcehub. We are halfway through this series. We've got three episodes down. We've got three more to come next week, come back, press play, and we will talk about caring for our own watchdog and possum parts, specifically when we have our own histories of trauma. All right, y'all, I look so forward to it. We'll be back again together next week, bye, bye.