If you have an idea and most of your colleagues hate it, it might be a good one.
It might even be a great one. One that changes the trajectory of your field. And even humanity.
An idea like Attachment theory.
John Bowlby’s idea that children’s development was impacted by how they were cared for was not a popular one.
He persevered.
Keep reading or listen on the podcast!
Bowlby offered to the world that each of us has an inborn system that has ultimately been labeled our attachment system. More than that, it was Bowlby who first suggested that a child’s attachment to caregiver ensures that child’s physical and emotional survival.
Bowlby told us the connection is a biological imperative long before Stephen Porges, MD gave us the science to back that up.
We need connection to survive. Physically. First and foremost, out attachment system keeps us alive.
Babies, Bowlby said, are born with the drive to maintain both connection and distance. Togetherness and autonomy. Ultimately Bowlby came to identify these different drives and how they are expressed, labeling them ‘safe haven’ (behaviors that keep us close) and ‘secure base’ (behaviors that allow for autonomy, curiosity, and exploration).
Attachment Behaviors
Interestingly, a strong secure base relies upon first having a strong safe haven.
Bowlby noticed that babies have three different attachment behaviors.
- They seek, monitor, and maintain proximity to their caregiver.
- Babies cry. They are completely adorable. They have unique behaviors and features that keep us drawn to them. Eventually their motor skills develop and they can crawl, creep, walk, and then run toward their caregivers. We now know from neuroscience that baby’s brains internalize their caregivers. They literally create patterns of neural firings that represent their caregiver. As they grow older, they can seek and maintain proximity to their caregiver in their minds.
- They use their attachment figure as their secure base.
- When a baby’s needs for proximity are met and their nervous systems are repeatedly soothed, their innate and inborn natural desire for learning, curiosity, and exploration opens up. They begin to explore and return. Tiny babies do this with their eyes and then their limited motor ability, but of course as babies grow older they crawl away from their caregiver- not just toward. A baby’s secure base behaviors (explore!!) are supported by the fact that they know their caregiver is there and available.
- They flee to their caregiver when they are afraid
- When babies become overwhelmed and aroused, when they have a need they can’t meet themselves whether that’s a physical need or a emotional need (to be soothed!), they turn back toward their attachment figure- to their safe haven. These two systems work in harmony (afraid??? Find safety!) to create physical safety and ultimately emotional regulation.
Then Bowlby took this all an additional step further.
As development unfolds and children experiment with behaviors that keep people close, behaviors that allow for their autonomy and curiosity, and how to balance these relational opposites, children also begin to develop and internalize ideas about themselves, others, and the environment.
Hold this thought for a minute because we are going to come back to these internalized ideas but first, we need to look over at Mary Ainsworth.
Mary Ainsworth
Oh Mary Ainsworth. Ainsworth took Bowlby’s theories and really did the work that was needed in order for attachment to be a part of our every day language.
Ainsworth, through dedicating her life to science, attachment, parent/child pairs, and keen observation, learned that attachment systems are malleable- they can be shaped. She taught us that attachment is about a parent’s non-verbal communication and interactions with their babies– it’s not what parents do for their babies, it’s how they do it.
Ainsworth’s work brought us The Strange Situation- a ground breaking, simple, and short lab experiment that still holds up today and allows us to begin to classify an infant’s attachment to their caregiver.
Through Ainsworth’s work and The Strange Situation, as well as the continued work of the brilliant Mary Main, we now have language to describe attachment behavior.
- Secure
- Insecure
- Avoidant
- Anxious
- Disorganized (added later based on Main’s work)
We also now understand that not only can we categorize attachment based on secure and insecure, we can also categorize it based on organized and disorganized.
You’ll have to keep reading this series as it unfolds if to learn more about secure vs. insecure and organized vs. disorganized. Stay tuned!
Back to Bowlby
For now, let’s go back to Bowlby’s idea that attachment lays the foundation for a child’s ‘inner working model’ about themselves, their caregiver, and the environment.
Bowlby asserted, and decades of attachment research now supports, that a child’s earliest and most repeated experiences in the attachment relationship shape their view of well, basically everything.
Babies who would end up being classified as having secure attachment become children who are confident in themselves, believe they have power and autonomy, believe they are good people even though they sometimes do things that are not good, and believe that generally speaking, other people are good too.
These beliefs about ourselves, the world, and other people ultimately become like a pair of colored glasses we can never take off or even know we are wearing. They impact how we see and experience everything.
Attachment and relationships
Now, neuroscience and memory science helps us understand that babies have memory- it’s just that they have memory that’s called implicit as opposed to explicit. Meaning- babies surely hold onto experiences in a way that help them predict future experiences. They just don’t have the explicit felt-sense of “Oh!!! I remember!!!”
For example, after having the experience a few times, a baby starts to know that when their caregiver opens the fridge and brings out that one container, it means that they will get to eat soon. If they’ve had positive experiences with being nurtured and fed, they become physically excited. Their digestive system begins working to prepare their body for food. They might move toward their caregiver with delight and anticipation. All of this happens because they have implicit memory about what that one container means is going to happen next. They don’t have the felt sense of remembering “Oh!!! Yesterday what came out of that container was yummy!!! And when I get fed by my mommy I feel so loved and warned and nurtured and she looks at me with such warm eyes! I can’t wait for that to happen again!!”
But they do indeed, obviously, remember. And then anticipate what’s about to happen.
Well, the same is true for attachment and relationships.
Repeated experiences of being safe, seen, and soothed by their caregiver (or not) creates implicit memory about themselves (I’m good!!! And adored!!! My voice has power and helps me get what I need!!!), their caregiver (I can trust grown ups!! They aren’t perfect but overall they help me get what I need!) and their environment (The world is mostly safe and predictable!!).
This is what Bowlby was talking about when he said attachment leads to a baby’s inner working model. These repeated attachment experiences lay the foundation for how baby’s experience themselves, other people, and the world.
Free eBook- Brilliance of Attachment
This is part 1 of 6 in a month-long series all about attachment- getting back to the basics. What is attachment? What is secure versus insecure? Why does it matter? How does attachment develop? And ultimately then- how do we change it???
You can keep reading on my blog and listening on my podcast.
I’d also love to send you the F R E E eBook I created based on this series. With the eBook, you’ll have the entire series in one, downloadable PDF you can store on your device, print, and access whenever you want. It’s beautiful (and it’s not just me that thinks so! I keep getting emails from folks swooning over the gorgeous design- which I did not do myself!)
Just let me know below the email address where you’d like me to send it!
Robyn
Don’t forget to check out this week’s podcast all about attachment, too! You can listen to the podcast directly on my website HERE or search for Parenting after Trauma wherever you listen to podcasts- iTunes, Google Podcast, Stitcher, Spotify, and more!
The Club will be opening for new members this fall! Grab your spot on the waiting list now!
