Scaffolding is a Form of Co-Regulation {EP 82}


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What does my child need for their success to be inevitable?

If I wanted to paint the top of a 20 foot wall, I’d rent some scaffolding.  Scaffolding makes the floor higher and would get me as close to the top of the wall as I needed.  

The scaffolding would help make my success inevitable.  It’s not the only thing I need to be successful (paint would come in handy!), but it’s a really important piece.  

In parenting, scaffolding is the support that we put in place that allows our children to be successful.  Then, slowly, thoughtful, and sequentially, we decrease the amount of external support needed as our children develop that capacity to be successful on their own.

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We Scaffold Everything for our Kids

Eating (liquids, to solids, to forks).

Riding a bike.

Doing homework independently. 

Cleaning their room and doing chores.

Driving.  

But we also scaffold skills like playing nicely with friends, sharing, and not taking things that don’t belong to you.

When our toddler takes something from the coffee table and breaks it, it’s because they needed more supervision.

Supervision is a Form of Scaffolding

Toddlers don’t have a ‘pause’ before exploring.  They don’t understand ownership and have no concept of ‘that doesn’t belong to me.’

If a toddler takes and breaks something, we know we didn’t toddler-proof well enough.  

If our older kids are continually struggling at something that seems like a basic skill, like playing with their sibling without hitting or not taking things that don’t belong to them, they need more scaffolding.

There are a lot of complex skills involved in playing cooperatively with another child or resisting the temptation to take something you want.  

Supervision is Scaffolding and Co-Regulation

We wouldn’t leave four toddlers to play in a room alone together like we would with four ten-year-olds.  They don’t have the brain development to play safely without the supervision (which is co-regulation) from an adult.  

So, we can scaffold those skills because scaffolding is another form of co-regulation.  

Parents Need Scaffolding, Too

When I’m struggling to parent in the way I want to, I need help.  I need a friend or professional to break down the steps.  

Let’s say you really want to get better at making repairs and apologizing to your child, but you didn’t experience a lot of repairs when you were a child so it feels very uncomfortable and vulnerable.  So vulnerable, you just can’t seem to force yourself to make that repair.

One of the most important reasons to make a repair is that repairs help our kids feel seen.  They teach our kids that relationships can survive tough stuff.  

What other ways can you help your kid know you see them and the pain of rupture even if you just can’t force yourself to make an in-person apology?

Scaffold a Repair

You could send a text!

You could ask your partner to come with you for co-regulation yourself!

You could ask the members of The Club for encouraging words that you can ‘bring with you in your mind’ while you make the repair with your child.

When your child receives your repair, even if it’s not face to face, they feel seen. They learn relationships can survive tough stuff.

The scaffolding allows you to practice the level of vulnerability you can tolerate!

Decrease the Scaffolding

The key piece here is that in scaffolding, you withdraw the supports as you grow in your capacity to make the apology.  Maybe after a couple apology texts, you’ll have developed the ability to regulate through the vulnerable feelings and make the apology in person.

Just like your kid, you need scaffolding and co-regulation when doing hard things.  In a way, that’s exactly what the parents in The Club do for each other.

This way of parenting with connection and co-regulation is hard!!!  It’s vulnerable and risky and we are taking a huge leap of faith.  

We need scaffolding and we need more co-regulation.  

Be Scaffolded by The Club

In June 2022, The Club will be doing a whole month focused on scaffolding.  We’ll have an in-depth scaffolding masterclass and we’ll brainstorm how to do scaffolding in your home with your child with your specific and unique circumstances.

The Club will be open for new members May 31- June 6!  Come join us.

If you’re reading this after June 6, you can join the next time The Club opens and you’ll be able to access the video recording in the On Demand Video Library (along with over 45 other videos).  

Changing How We See People Changes People

We aren’t totally in control of our child’s success but we can absolutely strengthen the scaffolding.  When we see challenging behaviors about not having the skills or regulation to be successful, we see our kids in totally new ways.  We feel less stressed and can come up with better ways to help.

See you next week!

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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What Does Co-Regulation Really Look Like? {EP 81}


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There’s a lot of confusion about what co-regulation really is.  Parents often say to me something like “OK, I get it- I’m supposed to give co-regulation instead of a consequence.  But- what does that really mean?  Like- what does co-regulation actually look like in real life?”

What Is Regulation

Before we really define co-regulation, let’s define regulation.  Regulation is about balance.  The thermostat in my house regulates the temperature, right? The thermostat keeps track of the temperature- it monitors it.  When the temperature reaches a certain data-point, it tells the air conditioner or the heat to kick on so that the temperature will change back to the desired set point.  

The thermostat monitors the temperature and then works together with the heating or air conditioning to change the temperature when needed.

Regulation of Energy and Activation

When I talk about regulation, I’m talking about the regulation of the energy and arousal in our autonomic nervous system.  

Our autonomic nervous system has an accelerator and a brake.  Regulation simply means that the accelerator and brake of our autonomic nervous system is in balance and that there is an ability to both monitor that energy and arousal and change it, if needed.

Autonomic Regulation

A lot of our body’s regulation is autonomic.  It happens without us thinking about it.  When I’m exercising, my autonomic nervous system notices that I need more energy so it increases my heart rate, respiration, and probably a million other things that help me fuel a workout but I don’t really know about because I’m a social worker not an exercise scientist.  

Usually when the people that I know are talking about regulation, they are talking about how the autonomic nervous system fuels the energy and arousal that is underneath emotional expression.

How Regulation Develops

A lot of the autonomic nervous system develops in utero and continues to get strengthened and refined in infancy.

Think of it this way.  Healthy full term infants have a lot of ability to regulate their heart rate right?  But they are still developing regulation of their body temperature (we have to help by bundling them up for a while!) and they are definitely still developing emotion regulation, right?  Babies are great at crying- not so great at soothing.

Regulation is developed through Co-Regulation

A regulated adult offers soothing to an infant because infants are still developing regulation.  That doesn’t mean the infant is still developing a calm level of arousal right?  Infants can be calm.  What they struggle with is moving back and forth between activation and rest.  

When an infant is expressing activation by crying, they need a caregiver to soothe them.

That’s co-regulation.

Two people coming together.  One is regulated. 

Breaking it Down Even Further

I think to understand co-regulation it’s helpful to get even more granular about the co-regulation that occurs between a caregiver and an infant.

There’s two people.

The baby experiences some activation in their nervous system and can’t modify that activation- meaning they can’t bring it down- without help.

To help soothe the infant, the caregiver doesn’t just stay calm. 

The first thing that happens with the caregiver is that they experience enough activation in their own nervous system that allows them to match the baby.

There’s a little burst of “OH! The baby is crying!”  

For a brief moment, the baby and the caregiver are in sync with their level of activation. 

The caregiver then regulates their own activation because if you’ve ever tried to calm down a crying baby while you are super activated, you know it definitely does not work.

The caregiver brings their activation down so that they can energetically lend their de-activation to the baby. 

The caregiver is actually able to do both.  They are able to stay slightly activated in a way that matches and resonates with the baby, while also offering soothing.  The caregiver can keep a foot in both places.  The place of “I feel you I’m here with you in this activated place” and a foot in the place of “I can soothe myself and soothe you, too.” 

The Dance of Co-Regulation

If you’ve ever soothed a baby, you know that this process is not a straight line.  Caregivers don’t pick up their crying baby and then the baby soothes and it’s over. 

Nope.  There’s a little dance involved! 

Meaning- the caregiver responds to the baby.  The baby responds to the caregiver.  And then the caregiver responds to that.  Then the baby responds, and the caregiver responds to that. 

There’s a mostly unconscious dance that is sometimes in sync and sometimes not.  But the key here is there is what’s called mutual influence.  The caregiver responds to the baby.  The baby responds to the caregiver.  The next move can’t be predetermined because it’s based on what’s going to happen next- and that’s unknown until it happens. 

That’s co-regulation.  The continued presence and attunement of the dance. 

The Ingredients of Co-Regulation

We’ve already established that there are two people involved in co-regulation and one is more regulated than the other. 

But what else?

Physical Proximity

You can’t co-regulate a baby from another floor of the house.  Or even another room.  There is physical proximity and the closer you get to the baby the easier it is to offer co-regulation. 

Attunement

The caregiver allows the baby’s emotional distress to resonate in their own body and responds to that.  

Matching the Energy

In co-regulation, baby’s energy is first matched but by a regulated caregiver. 

Sure, sometimes caregivers end up joining the baby’s dysregulated state instead of the other way around.  Because we can co-dysregulate as well as co-regulate.  But when all is going well, the caregiver can match the baby’s energy while remaining regulated. 

Remember regulated doesn’t exactly mean calm.  It means that the caregiver has the ability to stay in balance. Regulated people are connected to themselves without getting flooded by someone else’s energy.  They are mindfully aware and present. 

They aren’t necessarily calm or happy or anything like that. 

What about older kids?

How do we co-regulate older kids? Or even our partners?

Well, first there’s some proximity.  For kids who have developmentally delayed self-regulation, they need more proximity to the regulated caregiver.  We can’t co-regulate a baby from another floor of the house and if your teen is delayed in the development of self-regulation, you can’t co-regulate them from afar either. 

The first thing I look for in kids with dysregulated behaviors is how far are they from regulated adults and for how often?  Where are they sitting in the classroom?  Are the behavior problems happening at recess when there is no regulated adult in proximity.  Or lunch time?  Or on the bus? 

Then of course if we’re going to decrease the distance to an adult or caregiver, that adult or caregiver has to be mostly regulated themselves.  

To offer co-regulation, the adult’s nervous system is experiencing felt-safety and able to resonate with the child’s intensity without getting flooded by it. 

Then the adult matches the child’s intensity and activation- while also maintaining a connection to their own grounded and present self. 

Then the adult participates in the dance.  This is where I can’t tell you what to do because I have no idea what the next step in the dance is.  What I can teach you is how to grow in your regulated, mindful presence with yourself so that you can stay very present and attuned during that dance. 

And you won’t give up the dance when there is a misstep.  You’ll just keep going. 

Real Life Now

OK enough metaphor.

Here’s a story of co-regulation.

It’s time to leave somewhere your kid doesn’t want to leave. 

Your kid expresses their distress.  Maybe they ignore you or run off or scream “No, I’m not going!” Maybe they just start to cry, hard.  Or throw the shovel they were digging with at you.  There’s an infinite number of ways kids express their distress. 

You resonate with the distress first without trying to change it! 

“OH!  You do NOT want to go!  It seems like are so mad (or sad) that it’s time to go.  It’s so hard when the fun times are over.” 

If you’re real lucky, your child will immediately sync up with the dance and agree.  

“Yes! I don’t want to go! I was having fun!”

Now you’re in sync and you can continue the dance of matching and attunement.  What will almost certainly happen is that the child’s level of activation will slowly start to lower. 

You’ll stay present and attuned and notice when you and your child are connected enough that you can now focus back on the problem- it’s time to leave. 

“It’s so hard to leave.  It is time to go home.  I’ll be disappointed with you while you say goodbye to your friends and we get into the car.  I have a drink all ready for you in there- I knew you’d be thirsty after all this playing!” 

I know I know.  Your kid doesn’t fall into that co-regulated dance quite so easily.  You might have to spend a lot more time matching their energy before they sync up.  Kids with vulnerable nervous systems, and especially kids with disorganization in their attachment history, sometimes give very confusing cues.  

Sometimes we can even feel like our kid doesn’t want to be regulated- like they are staying dysregulated on purpose.

I get that.  If that’s your kid, check out the Attachment Series.  The whole series will be helpful but perhaps the section on disorganized attachment will be most helpful. 

Kids with insecure attachment are hoping for co-regulation but expecting more dysregulation.  This conflict between their hope and expectation can cause some really confusing behaviors so it’s helpful to understand those behaviors as well stay confident that the nervous system always wants to move toward regulation.  Even your child’s.  Promise.  

Co-Regulation Doesn’t Have to Involve Words

In fact, the more dysregulated your child is, the fewer the words you want to use.

Have you ever tried to connect with an angry child who screams at you to shut up?

Maybe you’re wondering- what am I supposed to do?  I’m supposed to connect and co-regulate with this person!  How can you attune and match the energy if you can’t use words??

I promise you- you can attune and match the energy without using any words.  You can sit still, with energy in your body that is present, matched, and regulated, and not say anything.

When my own son goes over a dysregulation tipping point, I know I can’t say anything.  Period.  I want to because sometimes he says things that are simply untrue and I feel defensive.  But words are pointless.  Unless the words sound like “would you like a drink or a snack?”  

Matching the energy doesn’t have to have words or gestures or actions.  We hold energy in our bodies.  Match the energy and then maybe offer a gesture of connection and co-regulation- like a drink or a snack. 

Passive Vs. Active Co-Regulation

So far, I’ve described active co-regulation.  The regulated adult is doing something to offer co-regulation to the dysregulated other.

Co-Regulation can feel a lot like doing, but it’s really so much more about being, right?

Most co-regulation doesn’t involve doing at all.  It’s the kind of co-regulation that is happening constantly between two people without us evening thinking about it.

Like a heartbeat.  It’s just always happening.

When my son is doing homework at the kitchen bar but I’m not actively involved, in fact I might not really be paying attention to him at all, co-regulation is still happening.  In fact, he is much more successful at staying on task and having frustration tolerance when he does homework in proximity of me or my husband- even though we rarely have to actively co-regulate him anymore.

Passive co-regulation is why our kids tend to behave better when we are nearby.  It can feel like our kids only behave well when we are supervising them or the risk of consequence is higher because we are watching.  

It’s really about the passive co-regulation that’s happening due to proximity.  The passive co-regulation allows our children’s owl brain to stay more engaged, which is where cause and effect thinking, frustration tolerance, and cooperation all live.

I have a whole other podcast/blog all about how easy it is to label our kids unable to be trusted when we aren’t directly supervising but really what’s happening is that our kids need our passive co-regulation in order to stay regulated and connected to their owl brain.  You can check out that podcast HERE.  

Co-Regulation is Hard to Describe with Words

There’s only so much we can do in a blog or podcast to describe co-regulation.  Co-regulation is a little easier to understand if we can observe it (if you’re a Club member, I’m creating a ‘bank’ of co-regulation videos so you can see co-regulation in action).  

Co-regulation is best understood when you can feel it, experience it, and embody it.  Both the giving and the receiving of co-regulation. It’s one of the primary tenets of The Club.  I wanted to create a space where the caregivers could both give and receive the co-regulation that they want to give their kids.  The Club also supports parents while they practice (and mess up!!!) co-regulation with their kids.  It’s so hard and really calls for a lot of tenacity and persistence to keep trying.  

Learning about something like co-regulation in a podcast can help demystify it enough that it feels safe to practice it. 

Let me know in the comments if co-regulation feels a little more clear now!

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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What To Do After We Mess Up {EP 80}


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Our kids don’t need us to be perfect.  Not only do they not need us to be perfect, it would actually be bad for them if we were.  

In fact, research shows parents are in attunement with their children about 30% of the time.  30%!  That’s it!  

When I teach, I often reassure parents that ⅓ of their interactions with their child are “getting it right.”  About ⅓ of the time they are “getting it wrong” (whatever that even means- we all have our own, valid definitions).  The rest? The remaining ⅓? Well ideally, the other ⅓ is spent in repair.  

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The Relief

PHEW!  We don’t have to get it right all the time.  We can let go of the drive to be perfect.  Sometimes, relinquishing the drive for perfect allows parents to be willing to explore the concept of self-compassion. That’s a huge win in my book!

I’ve also discovered along the way that parents learning about trauma-informed, connection-based parenting hold themselves to a really high standard.  They think that since they’ve learned ‘trauma-informed parenting’ they should just be able to do it all the time!

This is of course impossible and creates more shame in parents, not less.  

Simply because we learn about what we ‘should’ do with parenting doesn’t mean we’ll do it.  I mean, this is my job and while I think I do a pretty job living out my theory in my family I’m sure I hit the 30% mark just like everyone else.  

The controversy

When I first started teaching, I was surprised to learn that some professionals have some strong negative feelings about this 30% statistic.  I heard from folks that they feel it “gives parents a free pass to not parent with connection sometimes.”  They told me they were worried that if parents learn this statistic, they’ll decide it’s OK to be mean to their kid.

I have considered this fear.  My dear colleagues adore the children they work with.  They are afraid that ushering in compassion could mean parents won’t work hard to parent with more connection and attunement.

I understand that fear but also, I choose not to worry about it.  If a parent hears the message of 30% attunement and takes from it that they can be mean to their kids and not worry about it, all I learn about that parent is that they have fierce protectors in place making it hard to move toward connection and vulnerability with their child.  

I know that does happen sometimes, but I don’t believe that means we should stop reassuring parents of the truth that they don’t need to be perfect.  

I’ve also had folks tell me that kids with vulnerable nervous systems or histories of attachment trauma need more than 30% attunement.  I don’t believe this is true, and I’ll address it more in depth later in this episode.

What the research really says

The below statistics are taken from Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold’s book The Power of Discord.

In typical healthy parent-infant pairs, on average 70 percent of the interactions were out of sync!

As long as there is an opportunity for repair, mismatch in 70 percent of interactions is not only typical but conducive to positive and healthy development and relationships. We need the normal messiness in order to learn to trust each other. 

Here’s what I’ve surmised based on the research, my clinical experience with thousands of families, and of course- my own relationship.  

Attunement isn’t really where we make it or break it with our kids.  This 30% being in attunement piece is really just a result of being human.  

The place to focus is the repair

What does repair mean?

Attunement is about being safe, seen, soothed, and secure.  Repair is about offering experiences of being safe, seen, soothed, and secure after a rupture.  

A repair could be an apology.  We can do to our kids that we did something we regret and take responsibility for it.

Sometimes a repair isn’t about admitting we did something wrong, it’s about expressing regret.  Regret that there was a rupture.  I mean, not every single rupture is our fault!

A repair could be less overt, and more just about getting the train back on the tracks.  Not every single rupture needs to be metaprocessed!  That said, it’s always a great idea to pause an make a repair as overt as possible.  

Sometimes, we can repair through notes and texts.  This is pretty common with teenagers, but also just in the way we naturally communicate with one another.  My husband and I have a lot of repairs happening in our Slack channel!  Notes and texts are a great way to practice repair if they feel too vulnerable to do face-to-face.

Repair also involves taking steps to decrease the likelihood this will happen again

An authentic repair means we are fiercely working toward tending to our inner-worlds in the way we deserve so that it makes it less likely that kind of rupture will happen again.  

Why it Seems Like Our Kids Need More than 30% Attunement

If you’re listening to this podcast, you’re probably parenting a kid with big, baffling, behaviors.  You’re probably exhausted.  That might cause more ruptures and make repair more challenging.  It can feel like our kids have less tolerance for misattunement but it’s probably more likely that we are more frequently misattuned.  This isn’t shame or criticism!  It’s extremely hard to parent kids with big, baffling behaviors.

Kids with a history of attachment trauma learned to have different kinds of expectations about relationship.  They hope to be safe, seen, soothed, and secure.  But they expect not to receive those things.  You can read more about this in the Brilliance of Attachment eBook by CLICKING HERE.

There are more ruptures because our kids have a discrepancy in their hope vs expectation.  The way the mind marvelously works is that when we expect something to happen, it is pretty likely to happen.  When we expect not to be safe, seen, soothed, or secure, we tend to get what we were expecting.  This isn’t anyone’s fault- it’s just how the mind works.  Wild right?  You can read about that over in the Brilliance of Attachment eBook by CLICKING HERE. 

Mean, Weak, or Gone

If the ruptures in a parent child relationship are instances where the parent is becoming mean, weak, or gone- the parent is really flipping their lid- this a place for so much self compassion and then curiosity.  Repair isn’t enough.  Parents need to do the work to integrate their own trauma so that they can stay more connected to their owl brain.  

Mean, Weak, or Gone is language I’ve learned from the Circle of Security.  I write about it more in the Brilliance of Attachment eBook!

How to Decrease Ruptures

  • Do our own inner work on what’s causing us to flip our lids. 
  • Track the triggers.
  • Develop a fierce practice of self-compassion
  • Be in community with people who are committed to compassion and having boundaries (like The Club! https://robyngobbel.com/theclub)
  • Look for patterns! Do you get dysregulated and merge energetically like anxious attachment? Do you protect yourself by staying too disconnected like in avoidant attachment? 
  • Or do you have a vulnerable nervous system that leads to moments of mean, weak, or gone? Professional trauma therapy would be wonderful if that’s an option. 

Imperfect Parenting is Perfect.  Promise.

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Bonnie Badenoch on Healing Attachment with Safety & Presence {EP 40}


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I couldn’t think of a better way to wrap up this month-long series on attachment than with having Bonnie Badenoch as a guest on my podcast.

Bonnie Badenoch, PhD, LMFT is a thought-leader in the relational neurosciences.  When I think about her contribution to this emerging field of study, I think ‘integrator.’  Bonnie has helped us all feel into the many different strands that are woven together to become what we now call relational neuroscience- interpersonal neurobiology, affect regulation theory, polyvagal theory, memory reconsolidation theory, attachment theory, and more.  Bonnie has taken the science and created space for clinicians to make meaning of how the science comes alive in us and in our work with clients.

Bonnie knows the science of relationships better than anyone I know, but more than that she knows relationships.  She’s been an integral part of my own journey- without Bonnie there certainly would not have been this attachment series or the Brilliance of Attachment eBook.

The Both And of Attachment

Bonnie and I begin the discussion by look at the both and of attachment.  Insecure attachment is a brilliant, protective adaptation and not something to be ashamed of.  Insecure attachment also shows us a moment where something was missing and longed for.

Bonnie is so clear that there is nothing wrong with someone who develops insecure attachment; yet in order to make that adaptation, a part of ourselves was left behind.  This can leave us with an enormous ache to be heard, met, and cared for.

The healing happens when that ache can be met by someone.

Attachment is an interpersonal wound and is healed in relationship, though Bonnie is clear that the kind of relationship or the format of that relationship can vary tremendously.  It doesn’t have to be therapy.

Care for the Caregivers

We quickly shifted into a discussion about how helpers, healers, and parents- people caring for kids with attachment losses- can get the care that they need and deserve.  Bonnie said that if we are going to provide care for others, we need to get care for ourselves; otherwise, the care runs the risk of coming from a ‘checklist.’

Because I care for you, dear reader, I need support.  And the people who support me need their support.  And those people need their support.

Until there is a big web of interconnected support that encompasses everyone. 

Before I even knew who Bonnie was, I had been taught by mentors that the best thing I could do for my clients wasn’t to learn a new technique- but the best thing I could do was to do ‘my own work.’  To explore my own implicit world with curiosity and compassion- and with accompaniment.

But knowing that and doing that are not the same thing!!!

It wasn’t until I met Bonnie that I started to understand what doing ‘my own work’ even meant.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

During this podcast interview I invited Bonnie on a little trip down memory lane to the first time we met.  I had signed up, with my friends and colleagues, to attend a three-day retreat in Austin that was more of an experience of self-exploration than a traditional therapist training.

After signing up, I learned a little more about what the retreat was going to entail (yeah I know, I should have done that before signing up!!!) and I started to get cold feet.  I very seriously contemplated dropping out- but I reached out to Bonnie before making the final decision.

At that time, I hadn’t met Bonnie, talked to her, or even read her book Being a Brain-Wise Therapist.

I told her I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it.  That, in the retreat, we’d be invited on this journey of self-exploration and I’d freeze.  And then I’d be so disappointed that I’d wasted this opportunity and I would also be embarrassed at having done so in front of a lot of colleagues.

I will never, for the rest of my life, remember what Bonnie said to me.

All Parts are Welcome

Bonnie said, “If that happens, those parts of you will be welcome, too.”

I want to weep, just writing this now.

I believed her.  And it changed my life.

Because I believed, I was brave enough to go to the retreat.

I’m sure this is why I keep studying with and training with Bonnie, and now I get to call her friend.  Because she really truly means it.

All part are welcome.  Not only are all parts welcome but we can have gratitude that those parts felt safe enough to show up.

Even though it’s Scary

It also makes perfect sense that therapists, parents, everyone- even if they want to communicate this idea that all parts are welcome- that we can still get scared when certain parts show up.

We have to continually work to trust our clients (and our children).  Trust that every part that shows up needs to show up.  That the part holds wisdom and needs to be seen and welcome.

Who Welcome All Parts of You?

In order for each of us to truly welcome all parts of one another, we need someone to welcome all parts of ourselves.  And we all need to be supported well enough that we can welcome all of each other.

I welcome all parts of the parents I work with so they can eventually welcome all parts of their children.  I have a team of people who welcome all parts of me, so I can welcome all parts of the parents I work with.  My team of people all have their own team of people who welcome all parts of them. And on and on and on.

I’ve always had tremendous gratitude for my therapist’s therapist. 

Whoever that person is.

Rupture & Repair

Bonnie and I moved onto having a lovely and relieving conversation about the value of rupture and repair.  We don’t need to be perfect.  We don’t have to know what to do next.  Really, we can’t know what to do next if we are truly present with someone.

I don’t know about you, but I find so much relief in this idea.  I don’t have to always get it right.  In fact, it wouldn’t even be good if I did because ruptures lead us into repair- and repairs are rich for attunement and connection.

Techniques and Tools

Another profound thing I learned from Bonnie is that it’s OK to rely less on techniques and tools.  Not only is it OK, but relying on techniques, tools, and answer to the question of “Just tell me what to do!!!” pulls us out of true attunement and connection- the very thing that is most healing.

Techniques and tools might calm our anxiety but it pulls the real human out of the equation; now we don’t see the person, but we see the problem or the thing we are trying to fix.

I have found this wisdom to be helpful in and out of the therapy room.  The moment I am trying to change someone’s behavior is the moment I’ve moved into having an agenda, not seeing the other person, and not offering felt-safety.

Safety comes from nonjudgmental presence without agenda.

And of course because Bonnie is Bonnie, she reminds us to have compassion with ourselves when we find ourselves having an agenda.  We are going to sometimes have an agenda because we are human and humans sometimes have agenda, especially when they are scared.

The Science of Being Human

Bonnie and I both find regulation in understanding the science behind why people do what they do.  Understanding the relational neurobiology helps us both to stay regulated in the face of challenging behavior so that we don’t judge the person but instead stay curious about the meaning of the behavior, while also setting a boundary.

Bonnie said that it’s so important to stay in a place of compassion and curiosity for the people we are with because “What we feel inside about somebody is the loudest voice in the room, no matter what we say on the outside.”  The person we are with feels what we are feeling, even if we aren’t saying it.

How we see people, what we think and feel about them, matters.

If we can stay in a regulated, open space in our nervous system, it becomes an invitation to the other person’s nervous system- because they are yearning for that.

Our inner worlds are communicating nervous system to nervous system. 

Connection is a biological imperative.

Safety is the treatment.

We can stop and set a boundary on destructive or even violent behavior while still communicating that all parts are welcome; there is nothing wrong with you.

Social Baseline Theory

Social Baseline Theory (Becke & Coan) tells us that hard things are less hard when we do them with someone else, even if that other person is a stranger.

Through the way our resonance circuity begins to imbed our caring companions and trustworthy beloveds into our nervous system, we internalize people who care for us.

And then they are always with us. 

There is a sense of warm accompaniment that we are not alone, even if we are physically alone.

This.

This is why I’ve thrown my whole heart and soul into The Club.

Because the parents who read my blog, get my emails, or listen to my podcast sent me messages that say things like

“I hear your voice in my head when things are hard.”

“I find myself asking myself, what would Robyn do?”

“I listen to your podcast in the morning and it helps me stay regulated just a little bit longer each day.”

Once someone actually just straight up said “I listen to your podcast so I can get some co-regulation.” (That person was a therapist and spoke therapist-ese).

When I realized that my people- the parents and professionals who read my blog and listen to my podcast- were beginning to internalize me, I got excited about what changes could be made if I offered this connection and co-regulation with even more intentionality inside The Club.

And not only could I keep doing that for everyone in The Club, but they could begin to do that for each other. That’s where the real magic happens (except it’s not magic.  It’s neuroscience).

Then our inner communities just grow and grow and grow with people who care for us and see us for who we really are.

Perfectly imperfect.  Doing the very best we can, all the time.

Free eBook- Brilliance of Attachment

This interview with Bonnie Badenoch was the icing on a month-long series on attachment.  In June 2021, we got back to the basics.  What is attachment?  What is secure versus insecure?  Why does it matter?  How does attachment develop?  And ultimately then- how do we change it???

You can read the series on my blog and listen on my podcast.

I’d also love to send you the F R E E eBook I created based on this series.  With the eBook, you’ll have the entire series in one, downloadable PDF you can store on your device, print, and access whenever you want.  It’s beautiful (and it’s not just me that thinks so!  I keep getting emails from folks swooning over the gorgeous design- which I did not do myself!)

Just let me know below the email address where you’d like me to send it!

Robyn

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How Attachment Changes (Part 6 of 6) {EP 39}

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Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

We made it!  Here we are, part 6 of this 6 part series on attachment! 

After a closer look at anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment, you might be wondering “OK, so now what? What do we actually do?  How do we change insecure attachment?”

Even when we fully lean into the truth that the insecure streams of attachment are protective, we can still feel the sense that there is something missing.  

There is a longing and a sadness that continues to go unseen and unmet. A longing and a sadness that is covered up by the behaviors of insecure attachment that unfortunately tend to perpetuate their expectation in relationship instead of meeting their hope.  

What happens if we think less about how to change attachment and more about how we can stay connected to the ways insecure attachment developed?

Something was needed but not received.

To be safe, seen, soothed, and secure are needs.  

When we don’t get the things we need, we develop all sorts of tactics to get that need met.  We remain focused on the short-game, not the long-game. 

What if, instead of focusing on changing attachment, we thought about what was needed in the moments that insecure patterns of attachment started to form, but not received?

Then we can stay curious and open to ways to help that person (or ourselves) receive what they need and are hoping for, and not what they are expecting.   

Helping kids move from insecure to secure attachment always starts with our own.

X-Ray Vision Goggles

Remember how one of the characteristics of secure attachment in caregivers is that they have what I call x-ray vision goggles?

They can see beneath the behavior and respond to the need, not to the behavior.

They can make sense of the child’s behavior without personalizing it.

One way to help our children begin to shift to more security in attachment is to practice putting on our x-ray vision goggles.

This is why I’m so passionate about teaching parents to understand what’s underneath behavior.  For so many parents, making sense of the behavior and truly understanding the underlying neurobiology is a fast path toward developing that x-ray vision!

I have also found that understanding what’s underneath a child’s behavior helps caregivers stay more present and regulated in the moment is difficult behavior, even if they still have no idea what to do about it.  They can more easily de-personalize the behavior and remain in a more compassionate state.  

Not only does this mean that they are less likely to respond in a way that escalates the situation but it’s also true that remaining grounded, present, and compassionate in the face of dysregulated behavior actually is an intervention.

It’s an intervention because it changes our children’s neurobiology.

What was needed?

If insecure attachment means something was needed but not received, then healing insecure attachment means giving now what was needed then.  

Anxious Attachment

Children who develop anxious attachment needed a caregiver who could stay present- not entangled- with their dysregulation without becoming dysregulated themselves. Remember the Venn Diagram?  The child’s distress and the caregiver’s distress merge too much.

Children with anxious attachment haven’t had the opportunity to develop much internalized co-regulation and don’t trust that they can rely on themselves to be OK.  

These children need:

  • Caregivers who can be with their dysregulation without rescuing them from it or merging with them in it.
  • Support and encouragement to discover who they are- their likes and dislikes- because they’ve prioritized figuring out what other people like and dislike so that they can regulate that person and be OK.  

Avoidant Attachment

Children who develop avoidant attachment needed a caregiver who could remain fully emotionally present and embodied, allowing some of the child’s distress to resonate in the caregiver’s body.  Remember the Venn Diagram?  The child’s distress and the caregiver’s don’t resonate enough.

Children with avoidant attachment have learned to over-rely on what I call (and I first heard this term from Stan Tatkin) ‘autoregulation’- a way of coping with their internal distress without relying on co-regulation but also not true self-regulation (since self-regulation is developed after repeated experiences of co-regulation).  

These children need:

  • Caregivers who can be with their dysregulation even though they don’t demonstrate dysregulation by offering presence, compassion, co-regulation, and attunement.  These caregiver’s recognize that the ‘miscue’ of avoidant attachment is to look cool, calm, and collected; they trust that the child does have emotional needs even if they aren’t demonstrating them.  
  • Help recognizing their own sensations and feelings as well as the feelings and sensations of others.

Disorganized Attachment

Children who develop disorganized attachment needed a caregiver who was not mean, weak, or gone (Circle of Security).  These children have internalized the disorganization and chaos from the caregiver’s nervous system.  This internalization of chaos is what is causing the bizarre, chaotic and confusing behavior they now demonstrate.  

These children need:

  • Caregivers who can stay present and regulated
  • Caregivers who can see that it’s the child’s internal disorganization that is causing difficult behavior.  It’s actually very simple- but extremely challenging.  

Rupture and Repair

One of the most fascinating aspects of attachment research is that children who develop insecure attachment receive relatively the same amount of attunement from their caregivers as children who develop insecure attachment.

What’s the difference then??

Caregivers with secure attachment offer repair to their child when there has been a rupture.

Caregivers with secure attachment notice when they have fallen out of synchrony and attunement with their child.

They can regulate through the rupture themselves and then take a step in the dance toward repair.  

It is so brave and so vulnerable to repair with someone after there has been a rupture in your relationship.

It feels especially brave and vulnerable to do this with our children.

What if learning the art of repair could lead to more secure attachment in your child- and in you??

It can and it does.  

This simple truth has brought so much relief to the families I work with- and myself.

Healing attachment has nothing to do with being a perfect parent.  


What children need is for their parents to put their x-ray vision goggles on as often as possible so they can see their children who is hiding behind the behavior.  They need parents who see their true selves- an imperfectly perfect child who is struggling in that moment.

What children need is for their parents to be regulated themselves enough that they can provide the co-regulation and soothing that the child needs.  Not 100% of the time.  Just enough.

What children need is for their parents to repair when things have gone awry.  They need their parents to see that a relationship rupture has occurred and then be brave enough to make a repair.

What children need is parents who practice self-compassion because self-compassion leads to a more secure state of mind in the caregiver.  A more secure state of mind makes it easier to put on those x-ray vision goggles, see beneath the behavior, soothe the dysregulation, and make a repair when they need to.  

Luckily, you are in the right place.

This is a place where you will discover you are worthy of self-compassion.  Click around the blog- you’ll see that quickly!

This is a place where you will learn about what’s underneath your child’s challenging behaviors so you can put on those x-ray vision goggles and meet their real need.  

This is a place where you can go deeper if you want.

In Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain you will become an expert at putting on those x-ray vision goggles.  You’ll learn how to respond based on how dysregulated your child really is.  You’ll learn how to repair- with yourself, and your child.

In The Club, you’ll receive what you need so that you can give your child what they need- more connection and more co-regulation. The Club is a virtual community just for parents of kids with a history of trauma (and the professionals who support them).

Children with a history of trauma or big, baffling behavior are so overwhelming to parent!  It’s lonely, isolating, and just plain hard.  The Club is a place to be seen and known.  It’s a place to undo the aloneness.  It’s a place to give and receive the connection and co-regulation you need so that you can parent the way you want to.  

The Club welcomes new members approximately every three months!  Our doors will fling open and you can strut down the glittery (virtual) red carpet between June 29 and July 6.  You can read all about The Club, including testimonials from current Club members, HERE.  

Did you love this series?

I did!  So much that I had all six blogs turned into a beautiful, downloadable PDF e-book.  With the e-book, you’ll be able to easily re-read the series without being online.  It’s also beautiful, if I do say so myself.

I’d love to send you the e-book right now!  Just let me know below the email address where you’d like me to send it!

Thank you for everything you are doing for kids and their families.  You’re part of a world-changing movement of change-makers.

Robyn

Don’t forget to check out this week’s podcast all about attachment, too!   You can listen to the podcast directly on my website HERE or search for Parenting after Trauma wherever you listen to podcasts- iTunes, Google Podcast, Stitcher, Spotify, and more!

The Club will be opening for new members June 29 – July 6!!!  After that, we pause registration so we can welcome everyone and cultivate a space where everyone has the opportunity to feel seen and known.  We’ll open the doors again in the fall!

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