Why does my child demand constant attention? {EP 116}

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I totally remember this stage. And first, I just want to normalize not only just this behavior is pretty typical, normal four year old behavior, but I want to normalize your reaction to it. It makes a lot of sense to have these kind of feelings of intensity or overwhelm, or like, if it was me, I think the words in my head would sound something like “oh, my gosh, why can't you just play by yourself for five minutes?” Or “do you need constant attention?” Or like, “ugh, is this- if I give you constant attention, are you going to need constant attention forever?” So I'm not saying that this is what that- this person who writes in is thinking any of those things, but I remember that stage. And I even just think of that sensation that comes up when I feel like somebody's just clinging for attention. Those are some of the words, and thoughts, and sensations that can come up in my own mind and my own body. So I really want to just normalize that not everybody feels that way, but a lot of people do. And you're not a bad parent for feeling that way. 

Now, let's look at it from your kids’ perspective. It is, without question, completely normal. Now maybe this intensity is something we can look at, but the general behavior of becoming distressed when the connection diminishes, that's totally normal. It's completely just about being human. The lack of connection, even just energetic connection, doesn't have to be physical connection, just the energetic connection, like somebody stops paying attention to me, they turn their attention to something else, is experienced by our own nervous systems as a cue of danger. We are searching for, and longing for, and have the expectation of connection with others that Bonnie Badenoch would say contains presence, contact, reflection, responsiveness, and delight. That's the flavor of connection that we're looking for. And we need connection in order to experience safety. So lack of connection is a cue of danger. 

When you are physically present with your child, that that, of course, helps with the physical sense of safety. But we all also really need a sense of emotional presence. And some kids, some humans, are very sensitive to the loss, even momentarily, of emotional presence and connection, even the loss of connection that comes from shifting your attention, you know, for 10 seconds because your phone dinged, you went to look at the notification and the text message that you just got. You're not doing anything wrong, necessarily, by checking that text message. And that can be true, it can be totally true that you're not doing anything wrong and your child will still experience that loss of connection as cue of danger. Now especially if there is any history of abuse, neglect, caregiver loss, kind of chronic misattunement, there is very likely going to be a sensitivity, an intensity to the response to that loss of emotional presence. And- and sometimes even the most well meaning caregivers find themselves in situations like medical challenges in the child, right? And the child is in a lot of distress or a lot of physical pain and is, kind of, often crying out for co-regulation and often kind of crying out for their parents to alleviate their distress, but they can't. Right? It's beyond their parents’ capability. Right? And so sometimes, circumstances like that even can contribute to kids developing infants and babies, not getting as much attunement as they really need. So think about it like this. When babies are born, their felt sense of just existing in the world is dependent upon really feeling basically totally merged with their caregiver. They don't develop a sense of differentiation between them and their caregiver for- for a couple of months, right? Babies feel as though they are the one with their caregiver. And of course, from you know, the moment of birth ruptures, disconnects, times when the baby doesn't feel in merge with their caregiver are completely inevitable. And that's not bad. And when those ruptures are quickly repaired, the baby learns slowly, slowly, slowly, over time, something like basically the word sounds something like “oh, I can exist and be safe, even when me and my caregiver aren't merged”. Okay? This is an experience that happens inside a relationship where the stress is noticed, and repaired, and attuned to. So there's these inevitable ruptures, but there's also a lot of inevitable repairs. 

And eventually, that develops into children having their own solid sense of self and who they are. And I can be okay, even when I'm not feeling completely merged with or have complete, 100% connection, and attention from my caregiver. So it's true that all people experience lack of connection as a cue of danger. And then vulnerability in the nervous system can lead to that lack of connection, feeling something intense, like, I don't exist. Okay? It can also potentially lead to a lack of feeling safe, that they're going to be okay again, right? There's a sense of like, I'm not ever going to feel okay, ever again. Right? That the feeling of the lack of connection is never, ever, ever going to go away. 

This now starts to remind us of what I talked about in the podcast where we talked about being a bottomless pit, right? And what it feels like to care for a child who has that sensation of like- like the leaky bucket syndrome, right? Like, all the love we pour in, just kind of fa- falls out. So I encourage you to go and check out that episode. I'll link it in the show notes. There are tons of strategies and scripts in that episode. 

You also might want to Google the ‘still face experiment’ and I will warn you that the still face experiment can feel pretty triggering, it can feel pretty distressing. Because we'll wat- you'll watch a baby cry and not be soothed for a length of time that feels uncomfortable. But in the still face experiment, you can see how quickly an infant experiences pretty severe distress when they have a caregiver who is physically present, but emotionally absent. I mean, ahapson- it happens like instantaneously and escalates really quickly. And I think sometimes seeing that, in that setting, it's a laboratory experiment. And eventually the mother does soothe the caregiver- or soothe the baby. So just know that, we don't leave the baby crying forever. But happens in this laboratory setting. And sometimes seeing this happen in that kind of a setting can be really helpful for putting into perspective, why the lack of connection when we just simply respond to a text message, or pick up our telephone, or start talking to our spouse like why that can be so distressing for your child. 

So what do you do from here? How do we help support your child because without question are, we want to support our kids’ development where they can be okay without having constant connection from someone else. Because it's not possible to have constant connection from someone else first of all. But also we all need, in order to develop a really healthy sense of self, to feel okay just by ourselves. Right? This is a really important piece of human development. 

So the most important thing that you can do when your child is freaking out, because you have not been paying attention to them constantly is to stay in your own owl brain. Right? So your child starts freaking out, the first thing I want you to do is just take a breath, notice what comes up for you. Are you feeling like “oh my gosh, I'm never gonna get a break, like, this child will never be okay”. Or “I'm raising a kid who's demanding and spoiled”, right? Notice those fears, don't judge them, soothe those fears first, offer yourself a lot of self compassion. Then you can stay in your owl brain and offer some co-regulation to your child, which doesn't necessarily mean like giving in. You know, but offering co-regulation. And we can actually scaffold the amount of time that your child experiences disconnection. And this happens pretty naturally as kids grow older. But we can do it with a lot of deliberateness. So I'm going to refer you again back to that bottomless pit episode, lots of practical tips and scripts. And that's actually one of my most popular episodes. And I think one of the reasons is because it does give a lot of very practical tips and scripts, as well as it just being a very common challenge in my listeners. As well as check out the scaffolding episode. I don't think I specifically address scaffolding a child's ability to feel safe while also feeling disconnected. But I think you can probably extrapolate some ideas from that scaffolding episode about how you could turn this experience with your child and their, you know, lack of tolerance for feeling disconnected. How you could work to scaffold that. 

This is also something we talk about inside The Club a lot, like we talk about so much in The Club, I'd say that's probably the vast majority of what happens in the forum is taking the theory, right? Taking what y'all are learning in the podcast or what I'm teaching in the- in the masterclasses inside The Club, taking all the information and then making it very useful and practical in your own very specific situation. So that might be a resource that feels like it could be helpful for you if you find yourself needing support with that specifically. Taking the theory and making it practical and come alive in your very specific situation. 

Alright, y'all, thank you for tuning in for another Friday Q&A session. Again, if you have been enjoying this series throughout the month of February, just send us an email. It looks like y'all are enjoying it. They're getting a lot of listens. And I think they're really fun. I actually really love doing Q&A kinds of things. I've started doing that a little bit more in The Club as well. I just really enjoy this format. So let us know if you're enjoying them and we may be able to figure out how to keep going with them even after February is over. Alright y'all, I'll catch you next week with our regular Tuesday, weekly episode. Bye, bye!