Nothing Works! Are you burned out on tools? {EP 227}

Robyn: Now, when we find ourselves kind of like hollering to the skies. This isn't working. One of the things we should do first is just sort of pause and ask ourselves, get curious really try to hold on to the owl brain and ask, well, what would it mean for it to work? What does working mean? And for a lot of us, especially once we've really fallen down that protective mode pathway, which we is where we are when we're kind of hollering to the heavens, this isn't working right? Once we've really fallen down that protective mode pathway, often what we mean by working is that it's changing someone else's behavior. And without question, if changing somebody else's behavior is the criteria that we have to meet in order for something to be working, then you're right. It's not working, and it's going to feel like nothing is working, because, right, we are not in control of anyone else's behavior. I mean, for pete's sake, I am hardly in control of mine. But at the same time, this is, of course, really tricky, because when we are offering tools and strategies of connection and felt safety and regulation, when we're offering tools from that place, sometimes we do get the illusion of control, because offering connection, offering regulation, offering felt safety. When those are received, they often do translate to behavior change. So sometimes we can be kind of tricked into thinking we do have the capacity to control someone else's behavior.    

Robyn: So we got to be really deliberate about remembering I have impact, not control. I can offer connection regulation and felt safety, but I don't get to control if those offerings are received, and I don't get to control when somebody receives enough connection, regulation, and felt safety that it's going to translate to observable behavior change, right? So if we're burnt out on parenting tools, what that means, very simply, is that we're probably living in protection mode, and if we are using tools from protection mode, we probably aren't really able to offer true connection or felt safety or regulation. Now this is, of course, not criticism. Okay. I am never here to tell you what you're doing wrong, or say something like, well, if you're in protection mode, then you couldn't possibly be offering tools of connection, regulation and felt safety. No, no, that's never the spirit we take here. Okay, this isn't about blame, but it is about being in reality and true connection, true regulation, true felt safety really can't come from protection mode now, luckily, our kids don't need us to be in connection mode and capable of offering regulation, connection, and felt safety all the time, not even close, but it is worth just noticing that if we're feeling really burned out, we're probably in relatively chronic protection mode and, yeah, if we're in chronic protection mode, we probably aren't really offering connection, regulation, and felt safety.    

Robyn: And I think it's okay to be honest with ourselves about that, without it feeling shameful or blaming or critical the tools and the strategies that we really talk about here and we cover here on the podcast, and is, you know, explored in depth and kind of like that middle two thirds of Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors, those tools and strategies work, quote-unquote work right when they are one grounded in the neuroscience and two come from connection mode. When the tools are grounded in the neuroscience, the tools become what I would call both useful and intuitive. When they're grounded in the neuroscience, we are not going to get stuck in kind of behavior whack-a-mole, or like chucking spaghetti at the wall and just seeing what sticks right. That we're not just randomly pulling tools out of this tools toolbox we have, but we are intentionally, deliberately pulling out the tools that could match what's needed, whether that be regulation, connection, and felt afety, or some combination of those, right? And I say useful and intuitive, because the more practice we have with understanding the neuroscience and really seeing behavior through the lens of regulation connection and felt safety, the less like kind of cognitive thinking we're gonna have to do. We're not gonna have to really pause and thoughtfully ask ourselves, is this about regulation connection or health safety? Oh, okay, now let me pull this tool out. I mean, sometimes we're gonna have to do that because sometimes the behaviors are really baffling, and we that's just what we need to do.    

Robyn: But the more practice we have right of being really steeped in the neuroscience and having this really robust set of tools, the more useful and intuitive those tools become right. And then the more that we are parenting from connection mode, the more we're able to stay grounded and connected to ourselves, then the more those tools really have the capability of emerging from a place of being with this child instead of doing something to them. This all takes a lot of practice. I mean, when I was practicing as a therapist, and then when, when I trained professionals, you know, we, we repeatedly go over the fact that when we learn new tools, when we learn new strategies, for a while, we use these tools from a place of doing. That's how we practice them enough to get to the place where eventually they can emerge more from that place of being.   

Robyn: So the tools work when they're grounded in the neuroscience, and they come from connection mode. And in fact, in the immersion program, the baffling behavior training institute's professional immersion program, we use this Venn diagram that brings together, one, the science, two, the tools, and three ourselves and the science and the tools overlap so that the tools become useful and intuitive, and the tools and focusing on ourselves overlap so that the tools can become about being right instead of about doing so. One of. The things to pause and ask ourselves is, are we using tools without really understanding the why behind the tools? Now, I know I give you all a lot of tools, a lot of very, very practical examples and ideas, but what what my child finds connecting and safe and regulating, right? Which is all the things that are underneath our tools. What my child finds connecting and safe and regulating, and what your child finds connecting and safe and regulating, they're not the same. And when we start kind of blindly just trying tools, right, we're accidentally falling back into a behaviorist model, right? We're accidentally falling back into a, okay, there's this behavior. Here's a tool I'm going to try to see if I can get the behavior to stop, as opposed to, huh, this behavior suggests something's up with regulation, connection, and felt safety and how can I make an offering of regulation, connection and felt safety based on, you know, what I know to be true about me and what feels authentic to me, but also what I know about my child, and are things that they find regulating, connecting and safe, right? When we kind of fall back into that, here's a behavior, try a tool, right? We're falling kind of back into that experience of doing something to get a behavior to stop.    

Robyn: Now, of course, we want the behavior to stop. Of course, of course, of course we do. And if it was as simple as, here's a behavior, here's a tool to get it to stop, y'all wouldn't even be listening to this podcast, because you would have figured that out by now, right? And it's not because you're doing it wrong. It's because our kids with such vulnerability in their nervous system and so many baffling behaviors, right? We have to go beyond here's a behavior and here's a tool. We have to use the behavior as a cure or a clue to give us some information about what's happening in their nervous system so that then we can use what we know about our child in order to help invite their nervous system into regulation, connection and felt safety.    

Robyn: Now let's go back to that question. Are you stuck in protection mode? And although I really regret if the answer is yes, because I know how hard that is on your nervous system, I really regret that. I also want to be clear that if the answer is yes, I'm stuck in protection mode. That's not bad. As far as shameful, it's bad because it's hard on you, but it's not like, bad like, oh my gosh, you're doing something wrong, but it's something we want to notice and pay attention to and be honest with ourselves about, because, yeah, tools of regulation, connection and field safety aren't going to work so great when they're coming from a caregiver who is really stuck in protection mode again. Please hear me say, this isn't your fault. This is not criticizing you. Remember, we can acknowledge reality. We can be with what's true in reality. This is coherence. Those are cues of safety. Coherence is a cue of safety. We can acknowledge and be with reality without falling into blame or shame.    

Robyn: So if we are stuck in protection mode and it's feel like nothing's working, right, here's a couple things you can do. Number one, like we just did, just acknowledge that this is happening, give ourselves a lot of of course, right? Of course is right so many moments to pause and be with ourselves and say, of course, you're in protection mode. Of course, this is happening. Of course the tools aren't working so great because we're stuck in protection mode, of course. And along with of course, comes lots and lots and lots of self compassion, okay, of course, and self compassion, those are all cues of safety. Those are all ways we are giving ourselves cues of safety. We might be able to come into connection mode, we might be able to orient to safety. We're kind of adding drops into that felt safety bucket. Okay, that's number one. Number two. Keep looking for ways to give yourself more moments of care, moments, moments of care. And I say keep looking, because listening to this podcast is a way you're doing that. So I know you are on the lookout for those little moments of care because you're here listening to this podcast, listening to my voice. I know that you listen to this podcast to help your kid, but you keep pressing play, you keep coming back for you. You feel connected to me, you feel seen. These are micro moments of safety, of care for yourself and y'all. It's why I keep podcasting. It's why we're I don't know episode 220, something, I keep doing it every single week, because sometimes it's hard to do this every single week, but I keep doing it because I know there are 1000s of you out there relying on this podcast as cues of safety.    

Robyn: Okay, these are teeny, tiny, little, micro moments of connection to yourself, connection to me, and, in a way, connection to everybody who's listening all around the world. Okay, so that's number two, keep looking for ways to give yourself moments of care. Number three, ask yourself what it would mean for something to quote-unquote, work, then ask yourself if that's even possible. And if it is possible, would it really mean that it's working? I'm gonna say that all again. Ask yourself what it would mean for something to work. Then ask yourself if that's actually even possible, and if it is possible, would that really mean that it's working? Now I'm not telling you that there's a right or a wrong answer to any of those questions. It's the act of curiosity and of asking that brings safety to your nervous system. Okay, step number four, or let's actually not call this step number four. Let's call this a fourth thing you can try. Notice if you're in a pattern of trying tools to get behavior to change, and maybe instead, consider if you could shift the focus to reducing stressors, so instead of a tool that gets behavior to change, is there something you could do that without the focus on behavior change? Instead the focus was on, can we reduce all the stressors in our lives, stressors for you, stressors for your child, stressors for your whole family.   

Robyn: Now, maybe this isn't possible, but it is still something to just ponder, something to consider, and frankly, even arriving at the conclusion of like, yeah, that's not possible. I cannot reduce stressors anymore. That's a cue of safety. That's another place of coming into congruence with yourself. And then another thing to do, a fifth thing you can do is ask yourself, are you using these tools, the tools of regulation, connection, felt safety? Are you using them on yourself? Are you prioritizing regulation, connection and felt safety for yourself. Now, over in the podcast show notes, I'm going to make sure you get links to a few things. Number one is my free download on what to do when your nervous system is fried. The second thing I'm going to make sure that's over in the show notes is a link to download a list of podcasts that I think are especially helpful for parents who are experiencing burnout. The third thing I'm going to make sure is over in the show notes is a link to my previous podcast episode all about having a little mini pep talk. It's episode 220 it's kind of short. I mean, for me, it's short, short and sweet. And I recorded with the intention of you pressing play on it whenever you need a little mini pep talk. So that link will get in the show notes as well. Episode 220 also, you can just head to Robyn gobbel.com/podcast, and just put self-compassion into the search bar that's at the top of my podcast page, and the episodes that I have about self-compassion will come up. And then remember, I number all my episodes, so you can go search on my website for whatever you're searching for, but I'm suggesting self-compassion, right? And go search on my website. Then you can just write down or note or screenshot those episode numbers. Then come back to your podcast app and scroll and find those episode numbers.    

Robyn: If you're a member of the club, a couple additional things you can do. I mean, everything I've already mentioned, you can also find over in the club. It's all stored there for you in very easy ways, but additional things, if you are a Club member are you can go and check out the self compassion challenge that we did a few months ago, even though we're not kind of running that daily self compassion practice right now, it's stored over in the resource library. So you can go find that. That, and you can still do that daily self-compassion practice. Right? You could go to the resource library and download the workbook on how to increase cues of safety for yourself. Remember that's over in the resource library. That's a relatively new one. Or just look in the resource library under the heading, grow your own window of tolerance, just lots and lots over in the resource library for those of you in the club. And then also, we're doing a caring for your own Watchdog and Possum parts kind of daily practice. There'll be another three week daily practice. We're gonna be doing that in July. Okay, so those are some additional resources for those of you who are over in the club. And if you have a hard time remembering what those are, just come and ask, and we'll make sure all of those get linked to you.    

Robyn: All of you listening, remember all the tools that you have for your kids. Use them for yourself, those sensory strategies, the connection strategies, the felt safety strategies, all of those strategies and resources you can turn them toward yourself. Now, y'all, what if nothing really is working. Nothing is helping your child's nervous system shift more into connection mode. Truly, nothing is working. Something to consider is, do your child's needs go beyond what you're capable of meeting without getting additional support or additional resources or additional providers, or have you eliminated so much stress that it does seem like your child might be more regulated, but the amount in which you're reducing stress is absolutely not sustainable. It also could be that you've reduced a bunch of stress. They seem more regulated, but the reality is is they actually aren't any more regulated. It's just that you have found a way to avoid almost all triggers. You've made these really extreme changes in your routine or your family, right? Like maybe your other children have given up extracurriculars or spending time with friends or even getting to their own appointments, just so you can reduce all of the stressors for your child with a vulnerable nervous system, or maybe your kitchen only has like your child's three preferred foods, and there's no other foods even in your home, because even seeing those dysregulates your child all the way into attack mode, if other folks in your home are having their own boundaries significantly violated, their ability to do things that are perfectly reasonable right have been really restricted in order for your own or in order for your vulnerable nervous system child to have any sense of regulation and safety right, and if these changes must be maintained long beyond what would be considered a crisis related change. Then it is very possible that you have a child who needs more treatment, who needs more intervention, who needs more support, who needs more resources than what you have available to them and what you're able to provide to them in your home, right? And this might mean that they really are in need of a treatment program or increased psychiatric treatment.    

Robyn: Again, what's happening is they are not really strengthening their stress response system. You're just avoiding all the triggers, and you're walking a very, very thin tightrope to keep your child regulated enough that they or others are safe, right? And if this is happening, then of course you are burned out, and of course it's feeling like the tools aren't working, not because you're doing it wrong, but because there's a mismatch between what your child needs and what they're receiving, because everyone else in your life, right is having lives that are getting smaller and smaller and smaller and having fewer and fewer needs, and this really isn't sustainable. Now, to be clear, I am not talking about the kinds of sacrifices and hardships that are inevitable in a family where one person has a very significant special need, these are just inevitable and something to really grieve. What I'm talking about is what essentially becomes for the other folks in your family, a relinquishment of self. This is absolutely gonna lead to burnout, feelings right and feeling like nothing is working, because it's kind of true that really nothing is working. Now I regretfully don't have a great solution for this. It might be absolutely true that are really truly no so. Services or no treatment available for you and your family, that there is no other choice but to live this way or live in extreme dysregulation or even violence instead. Even if that's true, I do actually believe that acknowledging the truth is helpful, acknowledging the truth is helpful, right? That, of course, nothing's working because we have reduced stress so much, and we have impacted everybody else so much, and asked everybody else to make so many sacrifices just to keep the child with a vulnerable nervous system in a state of somewhat safety. Right? Then, of course, nothing is really working, and it might feel really hard to acknowledge that. Might feel maybe really even hopeless to acknowledge that. But I actually think it's really important to just be with the reality. Just be with the truth. That's a cue of safety. Honesty is a cue of safety.  

Robyn: I know some of you feel as though the support your child needs isn't available, and you might be right, and you may agree that your child's stress response system isn't healing because there's no healing happening. It's just all about reducing stress, reducing stress, reducing stress, reducing stress in a way that's not really being felt as sustainable, but you also feel like you have no other option, right? You're just you're not really strengthening their stress response system. You're just getting better at avoiding the trigger, and that that really might be right now your only and safest option. And I get that. I believe you, I don't judge you. Even still, it's a good idea to acknowledge all of this, acknowledge all of it, bring some congruence and some honesty to the situation. Because if this is true, then of course, nothing is working because you don't have what you need for something to work, and that is not your fault. If your car's alternator is broken, yeah, I'm about to give you a car metaphor. I have no business doing that, because I don't know anything about cars. So if this metaphor is wrong, please forgive me, hopefully you get the spirit of the metaphor. Okay, if your car's alternator is broken and you don't have what you need to fix it. That's not your fault. Maybe you have other tools, tools that should help a car start, like gasoline or a new battery, but those tools don't work because they're not solving the real problem, and that's not your fault also. It's not the gasses fault, and it's not the battery's fault, and it's not a bad battery, and it's not bad or not good enough gas, it's just not what's needed to fix a problem. Continuing to buy new batteries or overflow your gas tank with gas isn't going to fix anything, and acknowledging that is the cue of safety, because it brings congruence. More Tools won't work if they aren't the tools that solve the real problem.    

Robyn: Okay? So this episode gave you five things for you to consider and ask yourself if it feels like nothing is working. And then I gave you a bunch of resources, ones you can just click and download right from the show notes. If you're in the club, I gave you some more resources that you can go and find over stored in the club resource library. And then I also just gave you some few things to consider that maybe really nothing is working, and it's not because you're doing it wrong or because it's your fault. It's because you don't have what you need in order to solve the problem. And that's not your fault, right? It's it's the fault of a failing mental health system. It's the fault of communities not having the funding or the resources is the support that they need in order to support all of you who are trying to care for a child who has needs beyond what you could provide for and for that, I have just so much, so much deep regret for and I hope that me giving language to that doesn't give you a sense of hopelessness. I hope it gives you a sense of honesty, a sense of being seen, a sense of congruence, because those are cues of safety.    

Robyn: Now, hopefully one thing you have noticed in this episode is that there's a lot of resources I can't give you, but there are a lot of resources I can give you, and I've worked really hard to create resources in a way that are hopeful and supportive of you. And so in addition to the ones that will be down in the show notes, head to RobynGobbel.com/freeresources and see what I have for you over there, I'm also going to let you know that we are doing a lot of really cool behind the scenes work to make all of the free resources I offer to you even more accessible. So hold on, be a little bit patient with me, because we are kind of experimenting with some new technology. We got to get all the kinks worked out before we release it, but we are very actively working to get all of the free resources that I offer to all of you. So not just those of you over in the club, but to all of you. We're working out some ways to make these free resources even more accessible to you. 

Robyn: So until then, just head to RobynGobbel.com/freeresources. Subscribe to the podcast so you always get it in your podcast app. Go to Robyn gobbel.com/podcast use the search bar. Grab yourself a copy of Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors, and if you still need more support, considering coming to join us over in the club. Robyn gobbel.com/the club. When this episode airs, the club will be opening for new members. But if you're listening to this episode at another time, just come check us out at Robyn gobbel.com/the club. We might be open for new members at this time. We might not be, but we are opening more frequently in 2025 so the weight between when we are welcoming new members is shorter, so definitely go to RobynGobbel.com/the, club, see if we're open. If not, we'll be open shortly. All right, y'all I hope that this episode felt helpful. I hope that the resources I've offered you felt helpful. I will be back with you again next week for another episode of The Baffling Behavior show, bye!