Responding to the Judgement and Advice from Others {EP 264}

Robyn: You're looking maybe for connection, or at least, maybe just some peace. And then somebody says something, and it can be extra hurtful if you weren't even expecting it like it feels like it comes out of nowhere. So what we're going to talk about today are why people do that, what actually is happening in you when that happens, and then let's get really practical about things you can say and reply, I know that when we are even mildly dysregulated, once our owl brain has kind of started to fly away, or it's working on flying away, it can be really hard to remember what to say. And I also know that when I'm mildly dysregulated or a little bit more mildly dysregulated. Sometimes what I want to say comes out unnecessarily harsh. And the reality is is that, you know, you get a lot more mileage when you can set a really solid boundary from connection mode so we don't have to, like, sugarcoat things or dance around things. But generally speaking, boundaries are better set and easier to enforce if we can set them from connection mode again. That doesn't mean being like kind and sweet, it just means not being dysregulated. So having some scripts can be really helpful in that, and kind of staying in connection mode and feeling like you know what to say. So that's what we'll wrap the episode up with today, with some actual scripts. Yes. Now y'all know that I say really regularly that the vast majority of our kids behaviors are actually not personal. 

Robyn: They feel really personal without question, without question, but they're not personal, and when I what I mean by that is that your kids' behaviors are about what's happening for them internally in their own nervous system, and what their nervous system and brain and mind believe is the next best behavior for them that's going to keep them the most safe based on How they're neuro saving their own safety or danger and based on all of the experiences that have happened to them in the past. The same thing is true about humans in general. Very, very little of other people's behavior has anything actually to do with us, sure, like we may have been there. And they're like responding to something we did or said or something they saw, but their behavior, their reaction, the things that they say, it is all about what's happening for them internally. And oftentimes, when people are giving unsolicited advice and having judgment, they're actually making kind of a projection, like they're having their own experience and projecting that onto you. So they're maybe feeling some shame about a time something similar happened to them, and so then they project that onto you and give you some advice that, from their perspective, might be intended to help you from feeling the shame that they felt. That's just one example. But you know, we talk so much about how we're all just reacting to our own unique subjective reality, right? We've talked about this. We talked about this mostly, I guess, in regards to your kids, like, think about the All Behavior Makes Sense episode, I think it's episode 198 but I'll double check that. I'll get it in the show notes. I have an infographic on all of that neuroscience as well, about where behavior comes from, and so much of behavior is about what that person has experienced in the past and what they think is about to happen in the future. 

Robyn: And so as people are reacting to you or making comments to you, it is emerging from their own past experiences. When someone says something like your child's just manipulating you, possibly, what's happening is that they're really terrified of being manipulated themselves, or they've had experiences that have been very painful, in which they did experience feeling manipulated. There is actually this sense of trying to help you, but they have actually no idea really what to say, and that is still sort of combined with what they're really trying to help is themselves and how like a comfortable veil they're feeling and they're trying to, you know, get some space from that and how uncomfortable they're actually feeling, almost always, unsolicited advice that's judgmental or critical is going to be coming from a nervous system in protection mode. It's coming from that person's state of fear, not from their wisdom or their care or their compassion. Generally speaking, have I said that several times already now, generally speaking, when folks do want to offer something helpful because they care about you, there's some way that they kind of are asking for consent. First, sometimes people ask for it explicitly, like, Hey, I've been noticing a few things that I thought might be helpful, reflections regarding kind of what I've seen with you and your kiddo. Are you interested in hearing any of that? Like some people really, actually say things like that, like very explicitly ask for consent. Sometimes it's a little more implicit, or it's based on the relationship and but there is kind of some sense of having permission that's a good sign that what that person is saying is coming from connection mode, especially because if someone's asking your permission, you should be able to say no not thank you or no, no, thank you or not, right now, right? Something like that. But for the most part, people aren't doing that. They're not asking for consent. They're just giving you their unsolicited opinions. And yeah, that's often coming from protection mode. And of course, protection mode brains, right? They lose curiosity. They lose capacity to see nuance. 

Robyn: Things get rigid and black and white. You know, we knew we lose so much nuance when we shift into a protection mode. We think we're certain, and so we approach things with our, you know, well meaning perhaps certainty about how something should be different. But when we approach something from connection mode, it's with a lot of curiosity and a lot of well maybes, or I'm wondering ifs, and sometimes those are explicitly stated, but sometimes just just kind of the spirit of things, right? So you can kind of tell if somebody is coming to you from a space of connection mode or protection mode. And again, when somebody comes to you from connection mode, you're either going to be more open to hearing their thoughts, or you're going to be able to you're going to feel really empowered and safe to set a boundary and say no, and then they're going to say, okay, you know when folks are genuinely curious. This, they don't offer criticism. They ask for questions like, What could I do to help this seems like it's really hard for you. Is there anything I could do to be supportive? Things like that? And I'm sure you've learned that if someone's not coming to you with curiosity, they're not actually really open to hearing what you have to say. So trying to explain yourself to them isn't useful, and it often ends up kind of coming out and maybe even feeling like making excuses, and then everybody's in protection mode, and now all like true relational connection, engagement has stopped. You know, even well meaning, quote, unquote, well meaning judgment is still probably coming from a nervous system that's not feeling safe is in protection mode, right? That person maybe is feeling scared for you. They're scared of the behavior. They're scared of something they don't understand. They're scared that they don't know how to help or that they don't know how to stop it. They're scared that something like that could happen in their own family. And, you know, understanding these things don't make it okay. It just helps. Make sense. It's the same with our kids. 

Robyn: Understanding their behavior doesn't make it okay. It helps. It makes sense. So that we could stay more in connection mode, get less dysregulated. That's less exhausting for us, and then we're more capable of setting an actual, compassionate, enforceable boundary. We're trying to do all that with our kids, and we could do this with families, friends, teachers, you know people out there who are giving you advice about your kids and about your parenting, we can do the same thing, understand it so that we can stay in connection mode and then set a boundary. Now, of course, if somebody has criticism, judgment, or sometimes even worse, like, clearly, is being judgmental or critical, but is offering it like they're being very kind and helpful, right? So there's also, like a mismatch happening there when we're on the receiving end of that. Of course, the first thing is going to happen is we are going to have a little protection mode shift. Just like when our kids are in protection mode, we're going to have a little protection mode shift. We tend to match nervous systems first, then we can notice that we've made the shift. And if we can notice that we made the shift, and we can notice what's happened for us, we might be able to shift back to connection mode. You know judgment from others. You know the clear expression of just totally, really not getting it, not getting your family, not getting how hard things are for you, not being able to offer any help or support or resources. It's just one of those things that goes into making this parenting experience even more traumatic, right? We've we're parenting these really vulnerable kids who have behaviors that society has all these judgments about. They tell us about their judgments, but also, nobody really has any great way to be truly supportive. 

Robyn: They just want to pass judgment or offer advice that will will not work for your kid, and you know that because you've tried all of it so tracking what happens for you when on the receiving end of unsolicited judgment, unsolicited advice, criticism, tracking what happens for you is really important so we can have an authentic reaction. Notice it. Offer ourselves compassion. Shift back into connection mode. Does this sound familiar? Yes, this is exactly what we practice when responding to our kids who are in protection mode. And just like with your kids, I encourage you to notice, like, what comes up for you? What what are the triggers for you? What is the meaning you're making out of things? And so when you get some unsolicited advice, do you have a sense of shame, like, Am I doing this wrong, or I must be doing this wrong. Or do you end up feeling like rageful or angry with this, like, how dare they thought or energy? Or do you collapse more into like that possum pathway and kind of deflate and say to yourself something like, oh my gosh, they're so Right. Or do you find yourself getting kind of the urge to explain or defend, which, of course you do. That's perfectly normal. It's just unfortunately not typically super helpful, because. Now both of y'all are in protection mode, and it's just a rare time when two people being protection mode end up, you know, solving anything for real, right? Again, all of those responses make total incomplete sense. You of course, you're going to shift in to protection mode. Okay, so now let's talk about what to do. Like, what could you say in return that could be useful kind, which doesn't mean you can't set a very firm boundary, right? You could be kind and set a very firm boundary. 

Robyn: The truth is, is that, generally speaking, like I said, if we can stay in connection mode and set a clear, solid boundary without, you know, being mean or being in protection mode or being judgmental back the boundary tends to be more enforceable. You do not owe anyone an explanation of your parenting choices. And this is especially true if whoever that person is isn't coming to you with some curiosity or with a heart to be helpful or to ask, how could I support you? Wow, this looks like it must be really hard. How could I support you. I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through, but I would love for you to feel supported by me. What would that look like for you? Okay, that is somebody who's coming to you with such deep love and care and connection mode, but generally speaking, unsolicited judgment, advice, criticism is not coming from a place of curiosity, and explaining anything to them isn't going to be helpful, right? They are not open to hearing anything. There's no curiosity there, and they're not genuinely even interested in in your explanation at that point. Anyway, when I was a young adult, I participated in this youth performing arts activity called drama bugle core. And I was, like, 17. This probably felt like a big segue, all of a sudden but trust me, it's related. So I was, you know, an older teenager, a young adult, and Drum and Bugle Corps is a competitive circuit. So we were touring the country, and we were competing against other youth, you know, performing arts Drum and Bugle Corps. And we were actually having a shocking to other people, successful competitive season, and because of this, probably because it was shocking, it was surprising to folks. Because of this, we would sometimes be on the receiving end of folks saying not very nice things to us, other members of other organizations, and sometimes the parents of the other youth in the organizations. 

Robyn: And I learned such. I learned so many important life lessons from my participation in a Drum and Bugle corps. But one of these things that I remember so clearly was our director telling us to respond in this way, he would say, you know, when somebody says something to you and it's not very kind, they're not being very, you know, supportive or good sportsmanship, you can say, thank you. You have a very nice drum corps. And the point wasn't, of course, to be like, performatively gracious, right? Of course, we were like, Wow, thanks. Tell me more about what you have to say. It was really about politely disengaging without escalation. It was really about not like stooping to their level in a way. Now, remember, we were kids, but I will never forget the spirit of like. Thank you. You have a very nice drum corps. It was really just about, you know, respond and move on. Do not engage. Don't stoop to their level. I've actually found this to be such an important life lesson. I think about this a lot now, in parenting, that might sound like Thank you. I'm comfortable with our parenting decisions, or I hear you and I need to go tend to my child right now, it's really going to depend on who this person is, your relationship. You know what is happening at that moment? Does your child need tending to at that moment? There's going to be variables that impact how you respond, but overall, some sort of like polite acknowledgement that you heard what they have to say. Say and that you need to go do something else now, or that you are confident in what you are doing and don't need their advice, something that communicates that in some way, you absolutely have permission, depending on the situation, to just not respond at all, like if somebody sent you a text or an email, in particular, you don't have to respond. If I get a text or an email and I get them, I get texts or emails, like about the podcast, for example, like criticizing it, and sometimes people have valid feedback that is absolutely important to hear and receive. That's a totally different category of feedback. Sometimes people are just sending criticism and we just delete them. Y'all like I just I have so much to do every day, and my team has so much to do every day, and I have so many people who are depending on me, I just don't have the energy to read them. So give you permission to delete them. 

Robyn: Delete the texts, delete the, you know, the emails. I can think of an email I got recently that had a whole lot of things in it that I really wanted to respond to emotionally. And I paused, and I waited until the next day, and the next day I just sent a very clear, fact-based, bullet-pointed email, responding to the actual questions that were asked in the email, as opposed to responding to the energy of it, the emotional, you know, I just disengaged from it. It wasn't necessary to respond like, how would that have ever even helped? Sometimes I feel like, oh my gosh, I had to make sure this person knows that what they said was so inappropriate or so unacceptable or it landed so poorly. And I can feel this compulsion to be like, I have to make sure they know. But the reality is is I don't like, I'm not, that is not my responsibility in any way, and almost certainly that person isn't open to that information anyway. Now, if I was really, really close to someone sure, like as a part of relational repair, we can have a conversation about how what happened impacted me, right? Of course, of course. But if it's just random unsolicited advice from somebody that you don't really need to worry about preserving your relationship, yeah, just don't respond. You can respond without any kind of engagement, right, make a response to the other parts of what they said, or just sort of ignore the criticism, you know, that was inherent in it, and without question, you absolutely have permission to you don't need permission for me, but you know, give yourself permission to just pause and protect your own nervous system. First, you know you can take a breath, you can step away. You cannot answer that call. You cannot respond to that text. You know you can do what you need to do to take care of yourself. First, I wrote down a handful of possibilities of short, succinct statements that convey, I'm not interested in continuing this conversation, so I'm going to read them off here, and then I will put them. Let's see. What will I do? I'll put them in the email. An email always goes out during the podcast. 

Robyn: We are my emails always go out on Wednesdays, and so the Wednesday email is almost always related to the podcast from that week. So I'll put that in the email that goes out this week, and I will maybe you remember, maybe she makes like a social media post about them, and I will put them in the show notes as well. So just some very neutral, short, direct statements. We've got it covered. Thanks. We have a lot of support around this. I have people I go to for that that's not something I'm looking for input on. We're working with someone on that if you wanted to be a little bit warmer, but still, you know, have some clarity around I'm not going to continue this conversation with you. Maybe something like, I appreciate that you care, but we're good, or, thanks for thinking about us. We've got the support that we need. If you need to be a little bit firmer, you could say I'm not looking for advice, but thank you, or that's not actually something I'm open to feedback on. We're pretty settled on how we're handling this. I. Not going to take that in, but I hear you, Oh, y'all that one feels hard for me. I would have a hard time saying that. I'd have to practice that. And you can totally practice these things if you don't have someone to practice with. You could practice with yourself, practice in the mirror, just practice while you're driving down the road. I'm not going to take that in, but I hear you, oh gosh, that one sounds hard for me to say, and I'm going to practice that one. Y'all, that's what, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to practice that. I'm not going to take that in. But I hear you now, if you are finding yourself needing to set this boundary with someone a lot, maybe something like we've talked about this and we're not changing course, or I've let you know that this isn't something I want and put on. You can also just kind of change the subject. Ah, Hmm. Well, tomorrow, I am going out to this new restaurant tomorrow. 

Robyn: Have you heard of it? You know, it's downtown and it's, you know, just change the subject. Most people are actually pretty quick to follow just a new a new subject and forget all about it. If you really need to be clear and set a very clear boundary or limit with somebody who continues to push past your boundary, you can add in something like we've talked about this and we're not changing course on it. If it feels too hard for you to pull back on making comments about this part of my life, we might need to take a break from talking to one another or hanging out with each other, or something like that. Just be really clear, if you can't stop doing this thing I've asked you to stop doing, we might have to stop hanging out together. Now, if it's coming from somebody who you're really close to and really need in your life and really rely on for support, maybe you can be clear about what you need, something like, I'm not looking for feedback right now. I just really need your support. You can set a limit like when and where a conversation can happen. I can't talk about this right now. Let's talk later, when we're both settled, you can decide that it's actually interesting. I know that setting boundaries feels so uncomfortable. Asking somebody to stop doing what they're doing is so uncomfortable. And I really think it's worth pondering. Why, right? And sometimes I can get this sense in my own self of like, almost the injustice of it, like, why is this uncomfortable for me. The person who should feel a little uncomfortable is them. I've asked them to stop, and they're not stopping. So I'm going to be more clear about it, and that person should feel uncomfortable, because the kind and appropriate thing to do in relationship with somebody you care about is to respect their boundary, and when they ask you to stop, to stop, you know, just remember, you are not required to educate other people, explain yourself, justify yourself, especially to folks who aren't being curious. 

Robyn: If you have someone in your life who wants to be supportive of you, and you want to educate them and help them understand what's going on in your family, and you know why you're making the choices that you're making, then, I mean, that's a totally different story, of course, like, I'm so grateful that you have that, but If folks aren't being, you know, offering up true gestures of help and support, and instead, they're just giving, you know, feedback and unsolicited, unsolicited advice. You don't have to justify anything to them, explain anything to them. Thank you. You have a very nice drum corps, right? Your job is to protect your own regulation so that you can stay present with your kid. Do you remember a few weeks ago, I had a podcast guest on they were a member of the club, and one of these really brilliant things that they said in the interview was that no one ever became good by being told they were bad, and she was talking about kids. But y'all, of course, the same thing is true for us, and the reality is, is that this parenting journey that we're on is so hard, it is so hard, and it is so hard to. Continue to kind of return to the truth that you're a good parent who's doing the very best that you can. It's so hard in the best of circumstances to return to that, and so you want to protect your peace, right? Protect the information that you're receiving from the outside world that is anything except you're a great parent who's doing something really, really, really hard. How could I help you? If it's not that, it's probably not super useful to you, and you're going to be much more. You're just going to get so much more out of protecting your energy if you can disengage from that and stay focused on what really matters, which is helping yourself stay regulated, so that you can parent your kid in the way that you really want to. Y'all parenting your kiddos is hard enough, like spending time figuring out how to respond to other people just feels like this extra burden, and I wish that you didn't have it. So I hope that this felt helpful. I hope that some of those scripts felt helpful. 

Robyn: You might be able to just kind of tuck them away, practice them, you know, drive, be driving down the road and say out loud Thank you. You have a very nice drum corps, or while you're in the shower, or while you're walking your dog, you know, just practice saying these things. You can imagine the things that people say to you. Imagine that, and then practice your response. I appreciate how much you care about our family and me. I'm not open to discussing that right now and then change the subject, something like that. All right? Y'all, well, if you and I are connecting in more ways than just on the podcast, like you get my emails, or you are connected with me on social, you know that there is so much going on right now, right? We are beginning to open up applications already for the 2027 cohorts of the professional immersion program. We are preparing to open the club again real soon. Y'all, I am launching a book again soon, September 21, the guided journal for raising kids with big, baffling behaviors is coming out. That means I have travel and events planned. There is so much going on. We're getting closer and closer, believe it or not, to coming to the summer break that we take for the immersion program. And although I really miss my Wednesdays of being with my immersion program students, we all also really enjoy those 10 weeks off. There is something pretty magical about taking a pause and a rest and allowing your nervous system to just integrate on its own time, you know, without, you know, continuing to take in more new information. 

Robyn: So that's coming up as I'm recording this episode. I'm preparing to speak at a conference in Vegas, and then I'm heading off to Syracuse to co-teach therapy with kids with big, baffling behaviors with my dear colleague, Rose. I have another workshop coming up here in Michigan in July. Oh, and y'all, we are really getting very close to unveiling my new website, which is going to have a new wonderful directory of all of the folks who have who are alumni of the immersion programs. So we're really getting close to that finally, finally happening. I know things are hard. I know there's so much going on, there's so much going on in your families, there's so much going on in our communities, there's so much going on in our country and in the world, and it's a lot right now. It's a lot right now. And so I really take very seriously the privilege and the honor of being invited into your mind and into your heart and to be offering you this connection and co-regulation in this podcast or in my emails or in social or in the club, you know, however, I have the opportunity to do that. All right, y'all I'll be back with you again next week. Bye.