Swearing- What it Means and How to Respond {EP 232}

Robyn: Swearing and the behavior of swearing, cussing, using those bad words, especially for your kids who know they're not supposed to be using those quote-unquote bad words. Just first of all, know that this is a very common experience in families of kids with big, baffling behaviors, and just like all the behaviors that we explore here on the podcast and in my book, The first thing I want to say is our child's behavior is not an indication of our goodness as a parent. Sure, there are things that we can do, from a parenting perspective to help our children experience more regulation, more connection and more felt safety, which ultimately, then is going to help their behaviors invite connection, right? But ultimately, we aren't in charge of anybody else's behavior. I mean, I kind of like to think or say that I'm hardly in charge of my own behavior. I'm certainly not in charge of anybody else's behavior. So if you have a child who's using a lot of swear words, a lot of cuss words, no. First of all, you're not alone. And also, this doesn't mean you're a bad parent, and it definitely doesn't mean that they're a bad kid. So we're gonna talk about a few different things in this episode on swearing and cussing. We're gonna talk about how our kids language impacts us and why that matters. We'll look at some possibilities of explanations for why kids swear. And then, of course, why does that matter? Right? We're always chasing the why here. Always, always, always chasing the why. Always trying to put on those x-ray vision goggles because it's from there that we get better ideas that are more useful and impactful about how to support our kids, so that again, they feel more regulated, more connected and more safe, and their behavior can invite more connection.   

Robyn: We'll also look at why I think that we want swearing itself isn't inherently bad. And if that thought makes you bristle a little, I invite you to just hold on, maybe try to keep an open mind. And of course, you can disagree with my thoughts on this, but I think there are some good things that we could think about here that would then change our reaction to our kids swearing and cussing, and that then could change how safe or connected or regulated that they could feel. And then we'll end with, okay, great, so what do we do about this? How do we address swearing and cussing? Because, without question, there's just certain behaviors that aren't going to work out so well for our kids in certain situations, like at school or at work. And so we do want to look at how we can address those behaviors, but we want to consider how we can address those behaviors in a way that they're that it's going to actually, you know, be helpful or useful. So we're starting with the thing we almost always start with here on The Baffling Behavior Show, which is exploring our own reaction to this behavior, swearing, I often put in the category of verbal aggression, because it can feel like an attack, right, especially when it's used in a sophisticated way, where it really is being used as verbal aggression and as an attack. So we really want to take a breath and explore at a time when we're not being cussed at what does swearing mean to us? What did we learn about swearing and cussing growing up, what are cultural norms and expectations and meaning that we make out of swearing and cussing? I mean, I've heard all sorts of things. I've heard the belief that swearing indicates low intelligence, or at the very least indicates low emotional intelligence. I've heard that it's extremely disrespectful that it is a way to control and have power over someone.   

Robyn: So I'm not saying any of these are right or wrong, but I think it's really helpful to get clarity around what are our experiences with swearing and cussing, and the meaning we make out of somebody using swear words and cuss words to add us, because that is, of course, going to impact our reaction to the behavior. So what comes up for you when your child is using swear words or cuss words? What meaning do you assign to it? And look at these swear words and cuss words being used in different contexts, right? Sometimes our kids are using swear words and cuss words to talk about something else. Sometimes they're using that language in conversation with us. Sometimes they're using that language directed at us, calling us cuss words, and based on the kind of those different situations, you're probably having a slightly different reaction to to them. So take some time really explore that. Now, what I don't want you to do is try to convince yourself that these words don't bother you, or something like that. This is about being honest, right? Not necessarily about changing our reaction, but being honest about our reaction. Because if we can be honest about our reaction, we are going to be able to slow down the intensity of the reaction that we have back to it, we're going to be able to decrease the activation that comes up so maybe it still feels disrespectful, but once we can label it the intensity of that sensation of disrespect off often comes down.   

Robyn: And the point in this, the point in wanting to decrease our own activation around our kids behaviors, is that so we can respond to that behavior through the lens of connection mode instead of protection mode, which y'all never means that we don't set a boundary. Okay, we can still set a boundary when we decide that that's the most appropriate thing to do. When we set a boundary from connection mode, it tends to be more effective boundary. We tend to be able to follow through with it better. It tends to be more meaningful. So we absolutely can set boundaries from connection mode. Please never interpret that my suggestion of kind of really tracking our own reaction and trying to not fall down the protection mode pathway ourselves means that we're going to, you know, let negative behavior just go and we're going to excuse it. That's never the case. We actually set better boundaries from connection mode. If swearing and cussing is feeling like problematic enough behavior in your home that you really want to focus on it and address it, I also encourage you to check out some of the resources on the podcast about psychological boundaries. So I did a boundary series last year, maybe, or the year before. I don't remember, but I did a boundary series, and one of those episodes was about the concept of psychological boundaries. I interviewed a guest, Juliane Taylor Shore. I followed that up with another episode about my own experience with strengthening psychological boundaries. If you're in the club, we have an entire master class on psychological boundaries that you might want to go check out that we hosted Juliane Taylor Shore inside the club so that her master class is stored in the library. Psychological boundaries without going into that concept in depth, but psychological boundaries are internal boundaries that will help you see the behavior for what it really is, which is information about your child's state of regulation and not about you. Psychological boundaries will help us be with the behavior without that behavior really destabilizing us now. Again, this doesn't mean that we're just disregarding the behavior or excusing it or not addressing it. It doesn't mean that at all but psychological boundaries will help us decide what we're going to do next, from a state of regulation, from a state of connection to ourselves, and from a place of understanding what the behavior really is, which, again, it's meaningful information about what might be happening on the inside, and we'll explore what some of those possibilities are next,

Robyn: As with all tricky behaviors or dysregulating behaviors in our kids, or behaviors we want to change in our kids, the more we can stay regulated, not necessarily calm, right? But the more we can stay regulated, the more we're going to be able to effectively navigate this behavior in our kids. We'll be able to set boundaries, we'll be able to offer co-regulation. We'll be able to help their nervous system be more likely to be able to experience safety and all of those things are what contribute to eventually behavior change. Okay, regulated adults can co-regulate dysregulated kids. So I have a very old podcast from with a guest, Lisa Dion about how regulated does not equal calm. I have a more recent podcast about the topic of matching the energy, but not matching the dysregulation. Also, if you're in the club, know, we have a master class all about that, matching the energy, not the dysregulation. So you can go check the video library for that. But for everyone else, I'll make sure that the links to these public podcasts that anyone can listen to get put down in the show notes.   

Robyn: Okay, let's look at some potential reasons for why kids swear and again, the reason this is important, the reason this is important is not so we can go, oh, well, I guess if it's for that reason, there's nothing we can do about it. No, it's so that we can contextualize what's going on and get better information about what that child might need in order to get the support that they need. Okay, so here's just a few thoughts about what swearing could be indicating. I think this is not an exhaustive list, in any way, but here's just a few thoughts that came to mind for me as I was prepping for this episode. First of all, I think about how kids are using swear words and cuss words in an attempt to communicate that they're having an enormous feeling. Most kids know that swear words and cuss words are big words, right? That there's a lot of energy behind people's reaction to swear words and cuss words, and so they know that these are big, big, big, heavy impact words, and sometimes they have no idea even what the words mean, but they know that they communicate something like, I'm having a huge feeling. It's almost like shorthand for I'm so overwhelmed, and I have no idea how else to communicate it. But I know if I use a swear word, I know if I use a cuss word that's gonna convey how completely activated and overwhelmed I am. So sometimes we can hear swear words and cuss words simply as that message I'm so overwhelmed, and I have no other words that match the intensity of how big I'm feeling right now.   

Robyn: Of course, people use swear words and cuss words to be verbally aggressive. It is a way of, actually, it's a way of, kind of setting a boundary. They will will hear the back off Watchdog, you know, so one level before the attack, Watchdog will hear the back offWatchdog become verbally aggressive, use swear words, cuss words as a way of saying, I need you to back off. So even if we can't make bigger meaning out of what's happening with our kid and why they're using this particular language, we may be able to at least determine the level of activation that they're at, and if they're using swear words as a verbal aggression, that's a way of communicating something I need you to back off I feel unsafe. That lets us know how far down the protection mode pathway they are, and then that lets us know what kind of response is most warranted in this situation. And when we are at that Back Off or Attack level on the Watchdog pathway, we know that what is needed isn't to specifically address the behavior, it's to offer regulation, connection, safety, so that the intensity of the activation can begin to decrease, and as the intensity of the activation decreases, we can begin to use other interventions and other strategies that can help address the behavior. But when we're in that Back Off level Watchdog, right with verbal aggression, we have to set addressing the behavior aside and instead focus on, how do I reestablish some connections? How do I start to bring the activation in my kid's nervous system down. How do I offer some regulation?   

Robyn: Of course, sometimes people use swear words, cuss words, words they know they're not supposed to say as a way of, kind of being slightly manipulative, maybe a lot manipulative, really testing a boundary. Can I get what I want if I have this level of behavior, right? Like, if I'm this activated and I use this big of a behavior, is that going to help me get what I want? Now we've talked about manipulation on this podcast before. I have a whole episode about manipulation. If you're in the club, we talk about manipulation a lot. We talk about manipulation in the find their voice masterclass. So you can go look at that. Manipulation from the perspective of the nervous system, is still just information that something is wrong. It's information about being in protection mode, and it's information about not feeling as though I can use my words to get my needs met. So instead, I take kind of like this roundabout way, which might still be words, but they're not the direct words that are really conveying the need or really conveying the feeling. They're it's a more indirect way of going about it. So when I use the word manipulation, I'm not being. Being critical or disparaging, I don't have a negative connotation of the behavior of manipulation, although, without question, feeling manipulated feels yucky, and I have this that reaction the same as you do, but I try to see manipulation the same way I see all other behaviors, which is just information about what's happening in the nervous system.  

Robyn: Sometimes using words you're not supposed to use, like swear words and cuss words, gives our kids a little bit of control. They know, or they have a really good idea of what is going to happen next, right? They have an idea of what the response is going to be, right? They have an awareness that you're probably going to be mad about that. So it's a way of, kind of poking at what they know is inevitable anyway. It's a way of having some control. That's a pathway towards safety. So just like manipulation, I don't use the word control when I'm describing kids behavior in a disparaging or pejorative way. Control, again, is just information about what's happening in the nervous system. Everybody gets controlling, either internally controlling, more controlling of self, or externally controlling when we fall into protection mode and as we get more dysregulated, everybody you me, our kids, this is our shared humanity. We all do this. Our kids with vulnerable nervous systems and sensitized stress response systems are spending a lot more time controlling behavior because their nervous systems are so vulnerable, and they're really looking for some predictability. They're really looking towards for a path that brings them back to safety. So control could be another reason kids are using the cuss words and swear words. Like I just mentioned, having a sensitized stress response system contributes to words like cuss words and swear words, because that sensitized stress response system is having a huge reaction to what we would objectively call a smaller stressor. So in a resilient stress response system, the stressors the intensity of the stressor matches the intensity of the response.   

Robyn: But in a sensitized stress response system, the stress response system can have a huge reaction to what we'd otherwise consider a relatively mild stressor, and so kids with vulnerable nervous systems are quickly escalating to Back Off and Attack level Watchdogs. They're living in protection mode, right? And so they're just kind of like a hair trigger away from shifting into Back Off or Attack level Watchdog, even though the stressor is what we would call relatively mild, right? And once we go into back off, you know, Attack level Watchdog, the Owl brain has totally flown away, so access to more sophisticated language has totally kind of left their capacity.   

Robyn: Believe it or not, there is some research that shows that swearing and cuss words activate our pain relief systems. There's some research that shows that cussing brings about more regulation, and I'll touch on what some of that research is in just a second, swearing has a sensory component to it, right? All behavior is an attempt to move towards safety. Is an attempt to move towards regulation, pause and think for a moment about some of like the most common cuss words and swear words, and they all tend to be one syllable. They all tend to have like a sensory punch in the mouth or in the jaw or in the lips when you're creating that word and saying that word out loud. And these are all regulating experiences. So believe it or not, swearing could be a way our children's nervous system is so brilliantly trying to feel better and trying to move more towards regulation. And I think if we look at swearing, especially through that kind of lens we can see how it might be possible to open up our ideas about swearing, like maybe swearing isn't that quote-unquote bad. Now, again, you are absolutely welcome to disagree with me. You might think that that's bonkers, and you also might consider just hanging out for a minute and hearing some of these thoughts about why swearing isn't, quote-unquote, that bad.   

Robyn: So there's some research, and I will link to some articles over in the show notes. So there's some research that shows that swearing can down regulate pain, right? That a well timed, effective swear word, or cuss word, it can help to regulate both physical and emotional pain, that it's actually a way of feeling better. We also know that as we get more activated it, the language centers get harder to access. So complex language in an attempt to express a feeling or a need gets dramatically decreased, and a swear word or a cuss word is a shorthand right for communicating what I need or how I'm feeling. Now this next one is going to feel especially out there for you, but there is research that suggests that swearing and cuss words are shared social bonding experiences that essentially like a well timed swear word that is contextually appropriate, so certainly not used as verbal aggression, but a quote-unquote, well timed, socially appropriate swear word actually can increase connection, increase social bonding, and create a sense of belonging inside social groups.   

Robyn: The thing about it is that oftentimes our kids struggle with social cues, and so they might kind of have both parts being true, this desire to have more social connection, and maybe they've observed their peers, use swearing and cussing as a way to create social bonding or social connectedness. And again, there's research that supports us, so they may see their peers successfully using it in this way, as well as adults, right? Our kids are overhearing other adults, but also struggle themselves to navigate those social cues and navigate the context. And so they may be trying to use a swear word or a cuss word, in that way of increasing social connectedness, but it's falling really flat because they are misreading or misinterpreting social cues. So this can be something we support our kids with. Is reading social cues, you know, we can set boundaries around behavior for our kids who aren't developmentally savvy enough to use these words and this behavior in a way that's not hurtful, right? We still set boundaries around that, but we also can make meaning out of their behavior. We can see it as our kids, you know, attempt at wanting to fit in and create social connections the way they see their peers doing it, they're just really struggling with the nuances. And that perspective shift changes our reaction. It changes how regulated we feel, it changes, you know, the labels or the meaning we make out of that behavior, as well as the way we're kind of labeling our child, right? So understanding what's underneath that behavior, again, that doesn't mean we don't address it. It just shifts the meaning we're making out of it, and that changes everything.  

Robyn: So bottom line here is we can put those x-ray vision goggles on see swearing and cussing as neutral, meaning it is simply a behavior that's giving us a cue or a clue about what's happening on the inside. It doesn't mean that the impact of that behavior is neutral. Certainly, there are experiences where being cussed at, being sworn at, the impact of that is not neutral. There are absolutely times when it's verbally aggressive, right? When it's used as a power over technique, when it's used to bully, the impact isn't neutral, but we can see the emergence of the behavior as neutral, meaning it is simply information about the state of the nervous system. So over in the show notes, I will put some links to some of the research that I stumbled across when I was learning a little bit about why we swear or cuss. Okay, so the final part of today's episode is all right well, what do we do about it? How do we address swearing, and how do we, and I want you to think about it through these terms. How do we scaffold new or different ways of using language, if we need to, the swear words, the cuss words, it's information about what's happening in the nervous system, and it is attempt at communicating something. So we don't want to shut down the communication, but we do want to help our kids communicate more effectively, right? And more appropriately and in a way that enhances relationships and enhances them actually getting their needs met, whereas oftentimes swearing and cussing that isn't contextually appropriate and said between peers, right? Like kids to grown ups, that's can feel tougher for some folks, but what we want to help our kids do is get their needs met.   

Robyn: And if this language isn't helping them get their needs met, then we can try to help scaffold in new language that will help them say what they really mean and actually get their needs met. So the first thing we want to think about is matching the energy, not the dysregulation, which I had talked about earlier in this episode. I am not going to dive into that concept, because I have a whole episode about it, as well as a whole hour long master class about it over in The Club. But if you have a kid who's loud and yelling, then you want to use a strong, clear voice while staying regulated. You have a really shut down kid, then you're gonna get quieter, slower, smaller. Okay, we're gonna match the energy. Doesn't mean we're gonna necessarily swear back at them, right? We're gonna stay regulated, but match the energy. We can try to translate their swear words, or their cuss words into what might be their real feeling, right? And so if they're swearing at you, you might respond with matching the energy and something that's like, yeah, you are so mad at me right now. You need me to just back off, help our kids discover the words that communicate what they're really trying to express. It could sound something like, this feels so unfair, I get that ,you did not expect that it would go this way. Or you might reflect back to them something like, something about what's happening right now just feels way too bad, way too hard. It's hard to even know what to say. Something like that. Okay, so we're gonna match the energy and the intensity, but attempts to reflect back what their real words are.   

Robyn: And even if that doesn't immediately land, well, like even if your kid responds with additional cuss words, remember that they're still possibly taking in what you're saying. And it might not matter right now, but it might matter in a month after you've responded this way consistently by helping them identify their feelings that are underneath those words of their language. Okay, so simply because it doesn't have an immediate positive effect, doesn't mean that validating and reflecting back their real feeling is the wrong approach. I'm also not saying it's always the right approach, but we have to stay open to whether or not it's the right approach, not only dependent upon their immediate next reaction. We really want to help our kids understand themselves better and find the words to more effectively communicate their own experience. You can start to set boundaries, and then we have to, again, we have to kind of scaffold this. Eventually, some of the scaffolding and how you respond to swearing and cussing could be something that sounds like you can be really mad at me. You can be so angry with me. You cannot call me names try again or something like that. You could say something like, yeah, you know. You can totally tell me how bad this sucks. You can absolutely express that to me, and I'm gonna help you in whatever way I can. We do not cuss each other out, but yeah, tell me how bad you think this sucks, right?   

Robyn: So I would encourage you to see if you could get comfortable using language that maybe feels outside your specific comfort zone, but isn't a cuss word or a swear word. Words like pissing me off, words, like, sucks. I know that for some of you listening, you're like, oh, that's no problem we use those words. That's the least of my concerns in our home. But I know some of you listening are still feeling like, I don't want my kid to use those words either, and I get that. So think of this as scaffolding. Okay, we are wanting to help our kids still find words that pack the energetic and emotional punch that they're looking for, as we attempt to scaffold them away from using cuss words and swear words, especially in situations where that's not going to work out so great for them, like, for example, at school, also consider how you want to revisit the behavior when the Owl brain returns. We can't do a lot of teaching in the moment, of course, when the Owl brain is flown away, and we're really focusing on regulation and connection and felt safety. But later, for those of you who have kids who are becoming increasingly more regulated, you might be able to get to the point where they can reflect back on previous difficult experiences. So you might be able to reflect back on, hey, I get it. You are really, really mad. Next time you feel that level of mad, that big mad, what are some words you could use that would communicate that to me, that would help you feel like you're communicating how mad you are, but aren't cuss words or swear words, because in our family, we don't cuss each other out.   

Robyn Gobbel  37:19

And so you can, once the Owl brain returns, start to brainstorm, what do we do different next time? And in the moment when you have noticed your child use a different word than a swear word or a cuss word to express how they're feeling, you might think that it's well timed or appropriate to notice and acknowledge that, hey, thanks so much for telling me that you were really mad. Instead of cussing me out. It helps me so much when you tell me with words what the real problem is. When you just tell me to f off, I don't know what the real problem is, so thank you. Thank you for telling me what the real problem was today. Now again. Remember, we're scaffolding. I know some of you listening are like, Oh my gosh, if I said that to my kid, they would just, you know, totally escalate again. Or if I reinforced a behavior like that, that kid would make sure they never did it, that behavior ever again. I get that. So you have to look at where you are in the scaffolding of helping your child find more accurate, more appropriate words to express how they're feeling.   

Robyn: All right, so here's a really quick summary of all of the goodness in today's episode number one, like always, notice our own reaction. Notice the meaning we're making out of the behavior. See if we can set some psychological boundaries, and then work to stay more regulated, though not necessarily calm, because we set better boundaries when we're regulated, consider what's underneath. Why the cuss words or the swear words are being used. Consider if these words are being used as placeholders to express something else, and if so, can we start to scaffold and help our kids use their real words to express the real problem. And again, if you're a member of the club, we talk about this idea over in the Find Your Voice master class, and we apply this idea to a lot of things, manipulation, lying, control, cussing, verbal aggression. So we apply that concept to a whole lot of different behaviors, in seeing these behaviors as an attempt to communicate something. So how do we help our kids communicate what they're really trying to communicate?   

Robyn: Alrighty, I hope this episode felt really helpful. I really wanted to give you both kind of like theory and information. And put those x-ray vision goggles on, but also to give you some practical ideas about what to do next. And so I hope, I hope I hit that. I hope I got that right. If you would love to have more opportunities to take the theory and translate it into practical reality, I'd love to have you consider coming to join us over in The Club. The Club is open periodically for new members, and the week that this episode is released, I think will be open for new members then. But if you're hearing this episode at a different time, just go check the website. If we're not open at that moment, we'll be open soon. We've gotten to a pattern here in 2025 of opening every approximately four to six-ish weeks and over in the club, not only can you get support, connection, co regulation, you can see that you're not alone. You're not the only one having these struggles, but you can also get what we talk about here on the podcast, and you can connect with me, and you can connect with other members, and you can help take some of these broader ideas that we talk about here on the podcast and turn them into ideas that are specific for you and your family, so you can learn about what the club is at RobynGobbel.com/theclub. See if that's something that might benefit you or your family. We would absolutely love to have you. Love to get to know you.   

Robyn: Other places you can get more support are my book, Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors. If you don't know, you can go to my website at RobynGobbel.com/podcast and there's a search bar. So you can use that search bar to find other podcast episodes that are related to the topic you're searching for. I have a free resources page on my website. We are getting ready to launch a free resource, resource that is going to be so wonderful for all of you. It'll be so much more accessible and user friendly, all these free resources that we offer. So stay tuned for that that should be coming up soon, hopefully within the month or so, we'll be able to launch that. Otherwise, just keep coming back. Keep coming back every Tuesday, new episodes. Subscribe to the podcast. Hit play every week, and you and I can continue to connect in this way. Already. Y'all, I'll see you again next week. Bye!