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I couldn’t think of a better way to wrap up this month-long series on attachment than with having Bonnie Badenoch as a guest on my podcast.
Bonnie Badenoch, PhD, LMFT is a thought-leader in the relational neurosciences. When I think about her contribution to this emerging field of study, I think ‘integrator.’ Bonnie has helped us all feel into the many different strands that are woven together to become what we now call relational neuroscience- interpersonal neurobiology, affect regulation theory, polyvagal theory, memory reconsolidation theory, attachment theory, and more. Bonnie has taken the science and created space for clinicians to make meaning of how the science comes alive in us and in our work with clients.
Bonnie knows the science of relationships better than anyone I know, but more than that she knows relationships. She’s been an integral part of my own journey- without Bonnie there certainly would not have been this attachment series or the Brilliance of Attachment eBook.
The Both And of Attachment
Bonnie and I begin the discussion by look at the both and of attachment. Insecure attachment is a brilliant, protective adaptation and not something to be ashamed of. Insecure attachment also shows us a moment where something was missing and longed for.
Bonnie is so clear that there is nothing wrong with someone who develops insecure attachment; yet in order to make that adaptation, a part of ourselves was left behind. This can leave us with an enormous ache to be heard, met, and cared for.
The healing happens when that ache can be met by someone.
Attachment is an interpersonal wound and is healed in relationship, though Bonnie is clear that the kind of relationship or the format of that relationship can vary tremendously. It doesn’t have to be therapy.
Care for the Caregivers
We quickly shifted into a discussion about how helpers, healers, and parents- people caring for kids with attachment losses- can get the care that they need and deserve. Bonnie said that if we are going to provide care for others, we need to get care for ourselves; otherwise, the care runs the risk of coming from a ‘checklist.’
Because I care for you, dear reader, I need support. And the people who support me need their support. And those people need their support.
Until there is a big web of interconnected support that encompasses everyone.
Before I even knew who Bonnie was, I had been taught by mentors that the best thing I could do for my clients wasn’t to learn a new technique- but the best thing I could do was to do ‘my own work.’ To explore my own implicit world with curiosity and compassion- and with accompaniment.
But knowing that and doing that are not the same thing!!!
It wasn’t until I met Bonnie that I started to understand what doing ‘my own work’ even meant.
A Trip Down Memory Lane
During this podcast interview I invited Bonnie on a little trip down memory lane to the first time we met. I had signed up, with my friends and colleagues, to attend a three-day retreat in Austin that was more of an experience of self-exploration than a traditional therapist training.
After signing up, I learned a little more about what the retreat was going to entail (yeah I know, I should have done that before signing up!!!) and I started to get cold feet. I very seriously contemplated dropping out- but I reached out to Bonnie before making the final decision.
At that time, I hadn’t met Bonnie, talked to her, or even read her book Being a Brain-Wise Therapist.
I told her I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it. That, in the retreat, we’d be invited on this journey of self-exploration and I’d freeze. And then I’d be so disappointed that I’d wasted this opportunity and I would also be embarrassed at having done so in front of a lot of colleagues.
I will never, for the rest of my life, remember what Bonnie said to me.
All Parts are Welcome
Bonnie said, “If that happens, those parts of you will be welcome, too.”
I want to weep, just writing this now.
I believed her. And it changed my life.
Because I believed, I was brave enough to go to the retreat.
I’m sure this is why I keep studying with and training with Bonnie, and now I get to call her friend. Because she really truly means it.
All part are welcome. Not only are all parts welcome but we can have gratitude that those parts felt safe enough to show up.
Even though it’s Scary
It also makes perfect sense that therapists, parents, everyone- even if they want to communicate this idea that all parts are welcome- that we can still get scared when certain parts show up.
We have to continually work to trust our clients (and our children). Trust that every part that shows up needs to show up. That the part holds wisdom and needs to be seen and welcome.
Who Welcome All Parts of You?
In order for each of us to truly welcome all parts of one another, we need someone to welcome all parts of ourselves. And we all need to be supported well enough that we can welcome all of each other.
I welcome all parts of the parents I work with so they can eventually welcome all parts of their children. I have a team of people who welcome all parts of me, so I can welcome all parts of the parents I work with. My team of people all have their own team of people who welcome all parts of them. And on and on and on.
I’ve always had tremendous gratitude for my therapist’s therapist.
Whoever that person is.
Rupture & Repair
Bonnie and I moved onto having a lovely and relieving conversation about the value of rupture and repair. We don’t need to be perfect. We don’t have to know what to do next. Really, we can’t know what to do next if we are truly present with someone.
I don’t know about you, but I find so much relief in this idea. I don’t have to always get it right. In fact, it wouldn’t even be good if I did because ruptures lead us into repair- and repairs are rich for attunement and connection.
Techniques and Tools
Another profound thing I learned from Bonnie is that it’s OK to rely less on techniques and tools. Not only is it OK, but relying on techniques, tools, and answer to the question of “Just tell me what to do!!!” pulls us out of true attunement and connection- the very thing that is most healing.
Techniques and tools might calm our anxiety but it pulls the real human out of the equation; now we don’t see the person, but we see the problem or the thing we are trying to fix.
I have found this wisdom to be helpful in and out of the therapy room. The moment I am trying to change someone’s behavior is the moment I’ve moved into having an agenda, not seeing the other person, and not offering felt-safety.
Safety comes from nonjudgmental presence without agenda.
And of course because Bonnie is Bonnie, she reminds us to have compassion with ourselves when we find ourselves having an agenda. We are going to sometimes have an agenda because we are human and humans sometimes have agenda, especially when they are scared.
The Science of Being Human
Bonnie and I both find regulation in understanding the science behind why people do what they do. Understanding the relational neurobiology helps us both to stay regulated in the face of challenging behavior so that we don’t judge the person but instead stay curious about the meaning of the behavior, while also setting a boundary.
Bonnie said that it’s so important to stay in a place of compassion and curiosity for the people we are with because “What we feel inside about somebody is the loudest voice in the room, no matter what we say on the outside.” The person we are with feels what we are feeling, even if we aren’t saying it.
How we see people, what we think and feel about them, matters.
If we can stay in a regulated, open space in our nervous system, it becomes an invitation to the other person’s nervous system- because they are yearning for that.
Our inner worlds are communicating nervous system to nervous system.
Connection is a biological imperative.
Safety is the treatment.
We can stop and set a boundary on destructive or even violent behavior while still communicating that all parts are welcome; there is nothing wrong with you.
Social Baseline Theory
Social Baseline Theory (Becke & Coan) tells us that hard things are less hard when we do them with someone else, even if that other person is a stranger.
Through the way our resonance circuity begins to imbed our caring companions and trustworthy beloveds into our nervous system, we internalize people who care for us.
And then they are always with us.
There is a sense of warm accompaniment that we are not alone, even if we are physically alone.
This.
This is why I’ve thrown my whole heart and soul into The Club.
Because the parents who read my blog, get my emails, or listen to my podcast sent me messages that say things like
“I hear your voice in my head when things are hard.”
“I find myself asking myself, what would Robyn do?”
“I listen to your podcast in the morning and it helps me stay regulated just a little bit longer each day.”
Once someone actually just straight up said “I listen to your podcast so I can get some co-regulation.” (That person was a therapist and spoke therapist-ese).
When I realized that my people- the parents and professionals who read my blog and listen to my podcast- were beginning to internalize me, I got excited about what changes could be made if I offered this connection and co-regulation with even more intentionality inside The Club.
And not only could I keep doing that for everyone in The Club, but they could begin to do that for each other. That’s where the real magic happens (except it’s not magic. It’s neuroscience).
Then our inner communities just grow and grow and grow with people who care for us and see us for who we really are.
Perfectly imperfect. Doing the very best we can, all the time.
Free eBook- Brilliance of Attachment
This interview with Bonnie Badenoch was the icing on a month-long series on attachment. In June 2021, we got back to the basics. What is attachment? What is secure versus insecure? Why does it matter? How does attachment develop? And ultimately then- how do we change it???
You can read the series on my blog and listen on my podcast.
I’d also love to send you the F R E E eBook I created based on this series. With the eBook, you’ll have the entire series in one, downloadable PDF you can store on your device, print, and access whenever you want. It’s beautiful (and it’s not just me that thinks so! I keep getting emails from folks swooning over the gorgeous design- which I did not do myself!)
Just let me know below the email address where you’d like me to send it!