Our kids don’t need us to be perfect. Not only do they not need us to be perfect, it would actually be bad for them if we were.
In fact, research shows parents are in attunement with their children about 30% of the time. 30%! That’s it!
When I teach, I often reassure parents that ⅓ of their interactions with their child are “getting it right.” About ⅓ of the time they are “getting it wrong” (whatever that even means- we all have our own, valid definitions). The rest? The remaining ⅓? Well ideally, the other ⅓ is spent in repair.
Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast
The Relief
PHEW! We don’t have to get it right all the time. We can let go of the drive to be perfect. Sometimes, relinquishing the drive for perfect allows parents to be willing to explore the concept of self-compassion. That’s a huge win in my book!
I’ve also discovered along the way that parents learning about trauma-informed, connection-based parenting hold themselves to a really high standard. They think that since they’ve learned ‘trauma-informed parenting’ they should just be able to do it all the time!
This is of course impossible and creates more shame in parents, not less.
Simply because we learn about what we ‘should’ do with parenting doesn’t mean we’ll do it. I mean, this is my job and while I think I do a pretty job living out my theory in my family I’m sure I hit the 30% mark just like everyone else.
The controversy
When I first started teaching, I was surprised to learn that some professionals have some strong negative feelings about this 30% statistic. I heard from folks that they feel it “gives parents a free pass to not parent with connection sometimes.” They told me they were worried that if parents learn this statistic, they’ll decide it’s OK to be mean to their kid.
I have considered this fear. My dear colleagues adore the children they work with. They are afraid that ushering in compassion could mean parents won’t work hard to parent with more connection and attunement.
I understand that fear but also, I choose not to worry about it. If a parent hears the message of 30% attunement and takes from it that they can be mean to their kids and not worry about it, all I learn about that parent is that they have fierce protectors in place making it hard to move toward connection and vulnerability with their child.
I know that does happen sometimes, but I don’t believe that means we should stop reassuring parents of the truth that they don’t need to be perfect.
I’ve also had folks tell me that kids with vulnerable nervous systems or histories of attachment trauma need more than 30% attunement. I don’t believe this is true, and I’ll address it more in depth later in this episode.
What the research really says
The below statistics are taken from Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold’s book The Power of Discord.
In typical healthy parent-infant pairs, on average 70 percent of the interactions were out of sync!
As long as there is an opportunity for repair, mismatch in 70 percent of interactions is not only typical but conducive to positive and healthy development and relationships. We need the normal messiness in order to learn to trust each other.
Here’s what I’ve surmised based on the research, my clinical experience with thousands of families, and of course- my own relationship.
Attunement isn’t really where we make it or break it with our kids. This 30% being in attunement piece is really just a result of being human.
The place to focus is the repair
What does repair mean?
Attunement is about being safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Repair is about offering experiences of being safe, seen, soothed, and secure after a rupture.
A repair could be an apology. We can do to our kids that we did something we regret and take responsibility for it.
Sometimes a repair isn’t about admitting we did something wrong, it’s about expressing regret. Regret that there was a rupture. I mean, not every single rupture is our fault!
A repair could be less overt, and more just about getting the train back on the tracks. Not every single rupture needs to be metaprocessed! That said, it’s always a great idea to pause an make a repair as overt as possible.
Sometimes, we can repair through notes and texts. This is pretty common with teenagers, but also just in the way we naturally communicate with one another. My husband and I have a lot of repairs happening in our Slack channel! Notes and texts are a great way to practice repair if they feel too vulnerable to do face-to-face.
Repair also involves taking steps to decrease the likelihood this will happen again
An authentic repair means we are fiercely working toward tending to our inner-worlds in the way we deserve so that it makes it less likely that kind of rupture will happen again.
Why it Seems Like Our Kids Need More than 30% Attunement
If you’re listening to this podcast, you’re probably parenting a kid with big, baffling, behaviors. You’re probably exhausted. That might cause more ruptures and make repair more challenging. It can feel like our kids have less tolerance for misattunement but it’s probably more likely that we are more frequently misattuned. This isn’t shame or criticism! It’s extremely hard to parent kids with big, baffling behaviors.
Kids with a history of attachment trauma learned to have different kinds of expectations about relationship. They hope to be safe, seen, soothed, and secure. But they expect not to receive those things. You can read more about this in the Brilliance of Attachment eBook by CLICKING HERE.
There are more ruptures because our kids have a discrepancy in their hope vs expectation. The way the mind marvelously works is that when we expect something to happen, it is pretty likely to happen. When we expect not to be safe, seen, soothed, or secure, we tend to get what we were expecting. This isn’t anyone’s fault- it’s just how the mind works. Wild right? You can read about that over in the Brilliance of Attachment eBook by CLICKING HERE.
Mean, Weak, or Gone
If the ruptures in a parent child relationship are instances where the parent is becoming mean, weak, or gone- the parent is really flipping their lid- this a place for so much self compassion and then curiosity. Repair isn’t enough. Parents need to do the work to integrate their own trauma so that they can stay more connected to their owl brain.
Mean, Weak, or Gone is language I’ve learned from the Circle of Security. I write about it more in the Brilliance of Attachment eBook!
How to Decrease Ruptures
- Do our own inner work on what’s causing us to flip our lids.
- Track the triggers.
- Develop a fierce practice of self-compassion
- Be in community with people who are committed to compassion and having boundaries (like The Club! https://robyngobbel.com/theclub)
- Look for patterns! Do you get dysregulated and merge energetically like anxious attachment? Do you protect yourself by staying too disconnected like in avoidant attachment?
- Or do you have a vulnerable nervous system that leads to moments of mean, weak, or gone? Professional trauma therapy would be wonderful if that’s an option.
Imperfect Parenting is Perfect. Promise.
Robyn
Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.
Just let me know where to send the links!