The human brain is an amazingly complex and beautifully social organ. The moment when our nervous system syncs up with another and we experience being seen, felt, and known is not a luxury- it is an actual need as non-negotiable as food and water.
It is through this experience of joining as a ‘we’ with another individual that we experience our own existence.
We feel alive and known. We feel gotten.
This resonance with another confirms our own aliveness in a way that provides the nourishment we need to show up in the world with all of our unique amazingness.
When I feel seen, I know I exist.
The more I feel seen and known, the more I can tolerate moments when I don’t feel seen. The fuller my cup is, the more I can tolerate when a little spills out.
We are all so delightfully smart and crafty at getting our needs met.
We’d all LIKE to just use our words and ask for what we need but many of us have had too many experiences of those needs going unnoticed or even shamed.
So we stop asking with words, and sometimes we even stop noticing that we have this basic, beautiful human need to be seen.
Oh yes, our system knows exactly when we need a dose of being seen. The cup has to be refilled- for some of us, it needs to be refilled often. And we find ways to be seen and noticed. Some of these ways get us the delightful attention we are craving. Some of these ways get us attention combined with irritation, annoyance, frustration; even shame, criticism, and punishment.
But it all gets the need met.
When a behavior is labeled as “attention seeking” could we consider how we would respond if a hungry child was “food seeking?”
We’d give food. We’d understand that the food seeking wouldn’t stop until the child was fed. We’d understand that they may even escalate to ‘bad’ behaviors like sneaking and stealing- all to get food. We’d understand that the way to stop the behavior would be to meet the need. We wouldn’t necessarily negotiate in that moment for better behavior. We’d meet the need first.
We need to respond similarly to attention seeking.
It’s a basic, human need. We are ALL ALWAYS looking for connection. When it’s not there, we keep looking for it. We panic, we protest, we get angry. We are satisfied with negative attention the same way we would be satisfied with unappetizing food if we were hungry enough.
Attention is a need. Meet the need.
Then teach your child not to be ashamed of needing attention so that they can notice the need and ask for it in a way that is connecting instead of distancing or annoying.
And honor your own need for attention. You long to be seen, felt, heard, and noticed. It’s a need. Do not be ashamed.
