Behavior is simply the externalization of internal experience.

What we SEE on the outside is only a clue to what is happening on the inside.

Facial expressions. Hand gestures. Big and small.

HUGE behavior like tantrums, throwing, biting.

EVERYTHING we DO is simply an externalization of what’s happening internally.

With this in mind…do we really want to spend the majority of our energy changing the EXPRESSION of internal experience???

Or do we want to help change the internal experience so the behavior naturally changes?

To be honest, there is a time and a place to focus only on the behavior. This has to do with where you are, who is in charge, how old the child is, how dangerous the behavior is, and how capable the child is to use thinking-based coping skills to stop the behavior that just isn’t working for the situation.

But even in the times when that is true, do we REALLY want to just stop there?? Is it enough to stop the behavior in the moment? Or do we want to keep using our x-ray vision goggles, see through the behavior to whatever is happening internally, and try to change that too???

Regulated, connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do) behave well. This is the entire premise of my work with children and families. It’s the entire premise of my belief about humanity- those who have experienced toxic stress AND those who haven’t (and really….most of us have. Research shows that between 45 and 67% of the population has experienced at least ONE Adverse Childhood Experience).

I’m often asked…”OK, I understand the brain and the impact of toxic stress, but I still don’t know what to DO! Please tell me!!”

In a way, I get why that’s the next question. NO ONE comes into parenting knowing what to do with some of the confusing, baffling, and bizarre behaviors that we sometimes see in children impacted by toxic stress and developmental trauma.

But I still invite you to marinate on what you’ve learned about the impact of toxic stress. How it’s impacted your child’s sense of felt safety, regulation, and ability to connect. What you consider those things, often times the ‘What do I do!!!” becomes more clear.

What is hard is that when WE get dysregulated, we want a quick fix. We want something that will STOP an undesired behavior in it’s tracks.

I get it. It’s just that it rarely works that way. Quick fixes that stop behaviors in the moment usually involve fear and power. Again…this might be necessary depending on the severity and danger of the behavior…but this is not a long term solution.

Building connection, regulation, and felt-safety takes a lot of time. A lot of investment OUTSIDE moments of dysregulation.

Stopping bad behavior in the moment of dysregulation is actually the LEASDT important part of the journey.

But I do understand why it feels like the MOST important part.

Put on your x-ray vision goggles. See THROUGH the behavior and be curious about your child’s internal experience.

Increase connection. Increase regulation. Increase felt-safety.

Assume that Regulated, Connected Kids (people!!!) who feel safe (and know what to do!) behave well.

And see what shifts for you…and how you may intuitively know what to do!!!…when you truly embrace that belief.

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If you’re inspired by this approach to parenting- and this approach to YOURSELF- you will love my new self-paced online course, Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain.

Robyn

Connection-based parenting (or trauma-informed parenting or parenting based on the neurobiology of being human???) gets this bad rap for being boundary-less parenting. How will kids ever learn the rules or to be kind or to have empathy if we allow them to never follow the rules, be kind, or have empathy?

This question seems to come from two primary places: fear AND an inaccurate belief about the true nature of people (which actually, is also fear…).

In all the work I have done with parents, teachers, caregivers, therapists etc. it’s usually not too hard to begin the paradigm shift to understanding the neurobiology of being human. It gets hard when something doesn’t go right and fear sneaks back. Then we are back to wondering about consequences, accountability, etc. We say things like “They can’t get away with that!” or “How will they ever learn?” or “I completely agree with everything you are saying but there still has to be a consequence.”

Basically, we get controlling!

Just like every other human on earth who gets afraid. So human and normal.

I’ve come to see this as a normal developmental milestone in the switch to understanding the neurobiology of being human.  The first stage in this paradigm shift is willingness to move away from punishment and shaming, but it’s still with the intention to control behavior- there is just a desire to control behavior with compassion and connection instead of punishment and shame.  So when the first wrench gets thrown in and a child has a melt-down, we throw up our hands and insist that this new approach doesn’t work OR that it does in fact work but now it’s time for a consequence.

All this is a sign I’m with an adult who feels like their tool-box has been completely emptied and there is nothing to refill it.  Well then yes indeed, that WOULD be scary!!!  Tremendous fear then drives the adult into dysregulation and controlling, reactionary behavior.  In almost all circumstances, if I can co-regulate the adult, speak to their long-term fear, and maybe even provide an actual idea of how to navigate that specific challenging behavior (basically I provide structure & nurture, connecting to the right-brain, offering a technique to the left-brain, and then come back to connection with the right-brain), the adult will come back around to being willing to continue down this new path of understanding the neurobiology of being human..

: )

But I’ve also noticed another reason that adults panic over how children will learn kindness, empathy, and the ability to ‘do the right thing’- we have some left-over inaccurate beliefs about the nature of people. Many of us were raised to believe that left to their own devices (ie, without punishment or control) humans are only interested in themselves and will not behave appropriately.

This simply isn’t true!!

We know that humans absolutely have the capacity for both- to be both self and OTHER interested.

We know that this capacity for BOTH is nurtured in the co-regulated secure attachment relationship. That the ability to dampen impulse in order to prioritize relationship (with self, others, society, etc.) is a developmental milestone that WILL BE ACHIEVED if we continue to grow their little brains through attuned, connected, coregulation.

Empathy grows in this fertile ground!

The brain develops this amazing ability to map the other person, to know their experience, so actually generate a felt-sense of their experience in our own bodies while STILL connecting to our OWN felt-sense. BOTH!!!! But this amazing super-power is literally developed inside a coregulated relationship where the child experiences being seen, felt, and known.  And to be honest, we aren’t providing the experience of being seen, felt, and known when we use punishment, control, and assume the worst.  In those circumstances, we are only responding to the behavior we SEE (and to our own fear) and we are NOT responding to what’s really happening for this child and who they really are.

And OF COURSE we parent with boundaries!!! Of course we DO show kids how their words, actions, etc. impact us and others. Parenting with the lens of understanding the neurobiology of being human doesn’t mean we ignore bad behavior. Not in the least!! We still set boundaries, have expectations, and do our best to set our kids up for success. It’s just that we do it without punishment, shame, or consequences because we realize WE DO NOT NEED TO!!! It’s really actually quite freeing.

When we are cussed at or disrespected, we first decide if the child is regulated enough IN THIS MOMENT to insist on more respectful behavior.  IE “Whoa.  I am hearing that you need something.  I will work with you on that but we must have more respectful behavior/words/tone/body language.” If the child cooperates, we know something about their level of dysregulation (not that high).  If the child escalates or otherwise doesn’t cooperate, we know something ELSE about their level of dysregulation- that it IS that high.

So we shift our focus to connection and regulation.

Maybe this does look like ‘ignoring’ it at first, while tempers calm (including ours).

Maybe we take a quick break.  Maybe a breath.  Maybe a drink or a snack.  Maybe it’s “Hey..what’s going on here and how can I help?” or “We don’t talk to each other like that in this house but it seems like something isn’t right.  What do you need?” (Set the boundary AND stayed curious about what was driving the behavior).  And if you ignore it (it’s not really ignoring…it’s intentionally focusing on regulation and connection, knowing that cooperative and respectful behavior will naturally emerge once we establish regulation and connection…) then we make sure to revisit it again.

Most importantly, we do NOT do this out of fear.  We do this with confidence AND compassion, but not fear.  When we don’t hold a boundary out of FEAR, we aren’t providing the safety and coregulation that children need for their brains to grow.

Humans are DESIGNED to be their best selves. To thrive in relationship. To develop behaviors that keep them included in the group. Really!!!

Robyn

I’ve discovered over the years that the story of my play therapy journey is not unique. I first danced with the identity of play therapist early in my career- fresh into the field with my master’s degree training (which included a course in play therapy) and a handful of CEs. I was working pretty exclusively with children with what we would now call developmental or complex trauma- back then, we just had the diagnosis of RAD as a framework for treatment planning, case conceptualization, and intervention.

I was really struggling with using my play therapy skills with that population. Uncertain about my theory or my skills- maybe I was just a bad therapist!!!- I found a mentor who specialized in the same population (oh bless you, Steve Terrell and your willingness to take on my fumbling and exploring- you changed the trajectory of my career) and he helped me see the need to expand beyond the play therapy skills I had in my tool box. I jumped into trauma trainings- including EMDR and somatic experiencing. I immersed myself in attachment theory and later, Interpersonal Neurobiology. I continued to engage in play therapy trainings along the way, but primarily focused my educational pursuits outside the field of play therapy. But obviously, I was indeed PLAYING with children and definitely, play was the primary intervention.

However, I was coming into my identity as a little bit different kind of play therapist. I discovered right away that I could not keep a child-led play therapy office. It was DESTROYED and also- just didn’t feel right. There were moments where I felt whip-lashed by a tornado of chaotic energy and couldn’t figure out how to help. It was like watching someone flail in dark waters, terrified of drowning, and having no skills to help or even a life jacket to toss their way. Just like a drowning individual cannot be expected to use their “self-organizing drive toward healing” (which does in fact exist in ALL OF US) I couldn’t expect that from these children. I can now articulate that the children in my office were not neurodevelopmentally ready for toy-based play. They certainly hadn’t progressed to symbolic or metaphor-based play. Regardless of age, their neurodevelopment simply lagged far behind due to the severity of the abuse and neglect they experienced. They needed highly engaged, highly sensory, and highly relational experiences for containment and coregulation.

But I didn’t really understand WHY this was true. Why wasn’t child-centered play therapy ‘enough.’ Was I doing it wrong (totally possible)??

Along the way, I stumbled across the works of Bruce Perry, Bessel van der Kolk, Daniel Siegel, and my now mentor, Bonnie Badenoch. There was certainly a common thread- the RELATIONSHIP is the primary healing agent in all therapies, and completely non-negotiable for children with relational trauma in their history. But these weren’t play therapists. So I integrated what I was learning about trauma, attachment, and engaging the body in the therapy room. I listened to experts in the field of attachment trauma about the importance of involving families in the therapeutic experience. And sure enough, the kids I was treating were in fact getting better.

A few years ago, I came back around to feeling the pull toward the field of play therapy. Play therapy is so inherently body-based, so inherently right-brained, so inherently ‘beyond words.’ Neuroscience is now so clear about how play in and of itself is healing to the traumatized nervous system, as well as a trait of a healthy nervous system (Panskepp, Porges, and others….). Plus- I was seeing a troubling theme in families feeling as though therapy with a play therapist wasn’t effective for their child with complex trauma. Many of my clients were coming to me after previously engaging with another therapist- GOOD therapists- but often a more traditional child-centered play therapist. They complained of feeling excluded from the process and little to no progress being made. They were floundering, didn’t know how to parent their child with what felt like extremely bizarre behaviors, and like failures as parents because traditional parenting strategies were not working. But there are so so so many fantastic play therapists out there, and play is the absolute more PERFECT intervention for children with complex trauma. I had to figure this out.

I dove harder into finishing my Registered Play Therapist credential. I had already accumulated about 2/3 of the educational requirements but needed to finish them up. I also needed to find a great supervisor- one who could support my curiosity and interest in practicing just a little bit differently from a traditional play therapist. Luckily, that person lives right here in Austin (Marshall Lyles– the world’s greatest play therapist and supervisor).

Finally, I began to get closer to clearly articulating my approach to play therapy and the WHY behind my approach, and I discovered that where my instincts were leading me is wildly supported by research.

The brain develops sequentially- in order- from the bottom-up. Children with complex trauma, including abuse and neglect, are impacted in the very lowest parts of their brain. The lack of attunement and presence in their earliest moments has left them without a sense of self- who they are. They feel disorganized, chaotic, and empty. They don’t invite us into relationship and often times it doesn’t feel good to be with them. Thus, they continue to re-enact their trauma of abandonment and aloneness by pushing people away and making it feel as though they don’t even want relationship (they do- promise).

Bruce Perry’s work taught us that the lowest parts of the brain need rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory experiences in order to organize and heal. Dr. Perry is able to bring together the truth that RELATIONSHIP and following the child’s lead is non-negotiable (play therapists are good at this!!), yet we can do those things while still being strategic about the types of experiences we offer to the child in order to best support their underdeveloped brainstem. He helped me conceptualize why these precious children would destroy my room and spin in their own trauma and disorganization.

Bessel van der Kolk taught us that we MUST incorporate the body into trauma treatment. We can no longer divorce the brain from the body in any psychotherapy, especially not trauma work.

Studying some of the experts in the occupational therapy field helped me weave together why the sensory deprivation that is inherent with trauma, abuse, and neglect in early childhood is directly related to the attachment cycle- and a way to strengthen attachment is to engage, soothe, and heal the body. The sensory experiences in infancy- combined with the presence of an attuned caregiver- weave together who we are. Literally. Without those experiences, we are chaotic, disorganized, confusing, and almost impossible to engage in relationship.

And immersing myself into Daniel Siegel’s then emerging field of Interpersonal Neurobiology, ultimately studying intensely with my now mentor Bonnie Badenoch, helped me pull all these pieces together. The relational neurosciences are the best we have right now at defining abstract concepts like presence, attunement, and resonance. My work with Bonnie- who is just a genius in curating and bringing together diverse sciences and ideas- has helped me embody these ways of being. She has taught me WHY that lack of presence in early infancy is impacting the children so profoundly, and why it’s not enough to just SAY ‘the relationship is the healing agent’ but to really dive in and figure out how to BE relationally in the therapy space in a way these children need. And that this isn’t something I can learn from a book. I learned it…and continue to learn it….from engaging relationally with others- including Bonnie and my own therapist. And friendships and professional experiences that also value this experience of alive, resonant, ways to being together.

The relational neurosciences now support therapy interventions that target the appropriate neurodevelopmental need of the client. Children with early complex relational trauma first need to rebuild a solid foundation through movement, rhythm, and sensory play. They need this in ALL parts of their lives, not just one hour of therapy per week. They need this embedded in a resonant, dynamically present therapeutic relationship (and ideally, their relationship with their caregiver). Working with clients in this way is intense! It requires a lot of energy, a lot of presence, a LOT of self-knowing, and a lot of humility. Sometimes this can be misperceived as being ‘directive’ or not following the child’s lead. This is quite the contrary. This type of therapeutic work with children requires an INTENSE amount of attunement and understanding of the follow-lead-follow dance of attunement, attachment, and resonance. It requires therapists to be fully alive and meeting their client’s in the exciting “WE” space that is co-created moment by moment. Children with complex trauma need to ‘take in’ the attuned, present, and resonant other. We allow them to do this because of our dynamic and not passive presence. Their mirror neurons soak us up, laying the building blocks for their sense of self AND regulation.

This is intense work. This is not how I was trained! And this is not how I experience most therapists as being trained or supported by their consultants or supervisors.

As the foundation gets stronger, as their sense of self develops and organizes, children will naturally move toward more expressive or symbolic ways of playing in therapy. The same way children naturally progress with their language or gross-motor skills, children naturally progress through their neurodevelopment. When children move into this next stage of treatment, I open up my room to look more child-led. Because we are complex, self-organizing systems, I trust that now that they have a more embodied sense of who they are, their systems will continue to move toward coherence and organization- as long as I continue to provide them with my authentic, attuned, resonant presence. This is not a time for relaxing, but there is a felt-sense of a more mutual relationship with a more defined little person in front of me- the same way this feeling changes as children grow from newborn, to early infancy, to late infancy, to toddler. We feel them becoming themselves.

And then as needed, we begin to engage the cortical parts of the brain. We may identify ‘mixed up thoughts’ or talk specifically about coping skills. ALWAYS I do this through the medium of play (symbolic, movement based, sensory…I’m using play to describe a wide variety of different ways of being) so that we are embracing whole-brain learning as much as possible. We may create a specific therapeutic narrative, writing a book or making a time-line. We may do EMDR to target specific traumatic memories or desensitize present-day triggers.

I don’t want to imply that children progress through this in a beautifully sequential manner. First this, then this, and next this. Oh, how I wish. This brings us back to why it is SO important for therapists to ALWAYS be working on developing their own embodied presence and sense-of-self. This is infinitely more important that any tool, strategy, or technique (though obviously those are important, too). Therapists must be supported to engage in ongoing opportunities where they are invited to explore themselves inside a resonant relationship. When we are able to be fully present and attuned, tracking ourselves tracking our clients, it becomes easier to track treatment that isn’t sequential. To flexibly move in and out of different stages of treatment as the child needs.

~

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S is a child and family therapist in Grand Rapids, MI- though she is currently focusing on teaching, training, and consulting with other therapists so that there are MORE therapists skilled in working with children with complex trauma.

Keep reading or listen to a similar topic on the podcast!

I’ve been thinking about the word ‘trust’- as in “I can’t trust my child to do XYZ…” (make the right decision, behave appropriately…etc.)

Trust really isn’t the right word here, especially if you are parenting a child with a history of complex trauma or toxic stress.

It’s not about trust.

It’s about recognizing your child’s developmental age and having appropriate expectations and boundaries in place.

Children’s brains develop only through the process of coregulation.  Parents first do EVERYTHING for children.  Feed them.  Keep them warm. Install baby gates.  We adjust ourselves, the environment, and we inherently know that babies and toddlers need us close to them.  All the time.

It’s not about trust when we don’t leave a three-year-old home alone. Or even leave them playing unsupervised. Certainly not on the internet! We don’t do these things because their brain isn’t developed enough to make choices that keep them safe!  They literally don’t have the neural connections to the part of their brain that dampens impulses, thinks things through, considers consequences.  Their brain is fast DO DO DO. Touch, learn, see, explore.  It’s reactive- meaning there is no pause between a playmate taking their toy car and bopping them on the head in frustration.  Feel Do. Feel Do.  As adults, we seem to inherently understand that these little people need a significant amount of coregulation from a regulated adult in order to be OK.  We help with that ‘pause.’ We rush in to regulate emotions, which lays a brick in the slow-building tower of what ultimately becomes self-regulation.

Simply by being near-by, our toddlers and young children stay more regulated, right??  Things always seem to go better when an adult is close- sometimes just watching over, not even necessarily actively involved.

That ‘watching over’ adult is still coregulating the young child.  The child’s brain is literally borrowing from the regulation of the adult’s prefrontal cortex.  And the adult is close enough that the child can check in for an extra boost of coregulation as often as needed.  Little children do this by approaching their grown-up, showing a toy, making eye contact across the room, and rushing toward them with tears that need to be kissed and hugged.  Every time your small child makes contact with you, they are receiving a boost of coregulation.

If your eight-year-old can’t play with the neighbors without WWIII commencing, or can’t play in their sister’s room without things going missing, this isn’t about trust. This is about your eight-year-old needing more coregulation than they are currently receiving. This is about your eight-year-old not having eight-year-old impulse control. Both simply indicate delayed development.

If your 16-year-old can’t navigate the world wide web without falling into a pit of video game addiction or porn, this isn’t about trust. It’s about needing more coregulation.

Children with a history of toxic stress or complex trauma need a smaller circle.  Toddlers have circles of a few feet- meaning they need to be in close proximity to an adult.  Basically all the time.  As children grow their circle gets bigger because they have begun to internalize all that coregulation.  The tower of self-regulation is growing stronger.  But they still have a circle, right? We don’t leave school age children without an adult for hours.  Teens still have their circle.  Grown-ups have a circle!!!  I touch base with my primary attachment figure regularly!  I can go days if needed, but I sure prefer not to!

You might have a school age child or a teen or even a young adult child with the circle the size of a toddler.  They simply cannot coregulate themselves to make a sandwich, go into a store without taking something, or navigate a frustrating peer situation (especially as they get older and peer dynamics get more complex and nuanced…leaving children with delayed social development extremely confused…which ultimately causes more frustration and dysregulation).

This isn’t about trust.  This is about brain development.

Human beings are designed to do well.  They are designed to develop that capacity to do well INSIDE relationship.  If your child can’t do well, they need more scaffolding, support, and coregulation.

They may also need experiences of being gently nudged out of the nest – these experiences help their capacity for regulation to grow.  Just like there comes a day when I watch my toddler navigate playground equipment instead of holding their hand…knowing they are likely to fall but that I’ll be close by and I can soothe them. Through this, my child learns more about their body and capabilities…something they can’t do if I never let go of their hand.  But I do this incrementally.  I don’t go from holding my toddler’s hand up the toddler slide steps to releasing them on the big kid monkey bars in one day.  It’s little by little.  Opportunities for small failures that can be supported and coregulated…not big failures that have the likelihood to result in the (real or proverbial) broken arm.

Using the word trust to describe our children’s inability to have age appropriate impulse control, cause and effect thinking, emotion regulation seems to suggest a moral character flaw. Let’s turn the words around. Instead of “I can’t trust my child…” can we use “My child needs more coregulation in order to be regulated enough to be OK.”

Robyn