One of the most tragic byproducts of experiencing relational trauma, especially in the first months and years of life, is a powerful protector of self-hatred and toxic shame. Sometimes this toxic shame is directed inward at the self and sounds like “I hate me”, and sometimes it’s projected outward and sounds like “I hate you!”

All the current advice for parenting a child with a history of relational trauma places a heavy emphasis on connection.

As parents of kids who have been hurt, you long to show your kids that they are worthy of connection, that connection is safe, and that they are perfectly precious.

The trickster protector of self-hatred can be so powerful that our children can start to doubt the trustworthiness of adults who tell them about their goodness. It actually feels to them like their grownups are lying to them, which raises suspicion and leads to wondering “What do you want from me?”

This leaves us, the adults who love them and see their preciousness, quite stuck.

How do we mirror to a child that we see their protector of self-hatred, but also that their protector is playing tricks on them, trying protecting them from more hurt by convincing themselves they are hate-able? Loving this child can leave us feeling trapped- like no matter what we do or what we say, it’s the wrong thing.

This self-hatred is held within a pocket of memory called disorganized attachment.

Held inside that memory network is the experience of being trapped, always wrong, and with no way out. It makes sense that when we are with someone who is experiencing a moment of self-hatred that we feel trapped, always wrong, and as though there is no way out. You are feeling what your child is feeling.

I have no brilliant solution to this.

The self-hatred and toxic shame is longing for presence, attunement, and someone who is able to just be with them without trying to change them. Yet, this self-hated will also evoke behaviors that will push you away. Perhaps one of the greatest challenges I’ve run across is how to stay present and attuned with someone who is desperate for you to be present and attuned, yet also desperate to avoid the vulnerability of feeling someone be present and attuned.

For me, there is something regulating about understanding why things happen. It helps me feel seen, not crazy, and more organized in my mind. This brings about another moment or two of regulation and also me to stay present with myself- or someone else- inside the pocket of self-hatred and disorganization.

Maybe it’ll help you, too?

When kids express negative thoughts about themselves, it can be super easy to want to contradict them and show them the truth- what WE see in them.  It’s almost PAINFUL not to!  

It can unfortunately make us MORE untrustworthy to our kids to insist that we know they are wonderful/smart/kind etc. when they are insisting they aren’t.

It can have a felt sense “you just don’t know me fully” and “if i showed you the real me then you’d really know I was bad” or “you are lying to me and can’t be trusted.”

I know that could sound extreme.  I’ve work with hundreds and hundreds of kids (and adults, who sometimes articulate things more clearly) but I also know this from my own lived experience.

And it did eventually shift.  I did eventually learn, in my heart, that my therapist and husband weren’t actually lying to me.  But for years I believed they were and it hurt felt safety, didn’t help it.

When our kids say really hard things about themselves to us, validate them first.   It’s so hard to validate a feeling like “I hate myself!” because we don’t want to give the impression we agree.  But validating is not agreeing.

Validation can sound like “You have huge yucky feelings.  That must feel so bad.”

or “You feel like you are a terrible person.”

and if you child says “I KNOW I’m a terrible person” you can reflect back “You KNOW you’re a terrible person. It doesn’t just feel true- you know it’s true.”

This isn’t agreeing with them.  It’s giving them a moment of “I’m not afraid of your huge feelings and I’m willing to be in them with you.”

Once you have some connection reestablished with your child, you can say “I know it might feel like I’m lying or I’m just your mom so of course I have to say this, but you are precious.  I know you’re precious because I believe all humans are precious.  You are uniquely precious and special in your own ways, but I actually believe this is true about all people.  So of course you’re included in that!”

Now of course, if you’re you’re going to say that to your child you’ve gotta believe that- that all humans are precious.  Part of The Club manifesto is that “all people have infinite worth” and this helps us stay strongly anchored in believing our kids- and ourselves- our precious so that we are trust worthy to them when we say things like this.

I have seen that holding this as a universal belief is the only thing that is eventually helpful to people who believe they are terrible people.  Because then I’m not trying to convince them that THEY are precious and full of infinite worth- which frankly, I never would.  It’s just a universal truth about all people and they are not the exception to the rule.

But attune to the reality that “It might feel like I’m lying or like I don’t know the real you and if I only did know the real you then I wouldn’t believe you were precious.  I know if feels that way.  That must feel terrible.”  Then you can add something like ” We’ll just have to sit together in this hard place where you don’t believe me that I know you are precious. I know you are precious because I believe at their core, all humans are.”

And then, take time to grieve.  It’s so so painful to love someone who is plagued with toxic shame.  Toxic shame needs us to be present, with no agenda to change it.  That’s a big ask.  We just have to Be With it.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to connect with you in this short bonus episode.  This one ended up being not that short, but I wanted to make sure I included those practical tips.  If this resonated with you, please share the podcast.  If you’d like more connection, more support, more co-regulation, and more education, please consider joining us over in the Club.  We would love to have you.  Until next time!

Robyn