Not flipping your lid…when your kid flips theirs {EP 10}


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How do we stay grounded and regulated when our kids are going bananas?  Experiencing some trauma trigger?  Having a $5 reaction to a $.50 problem?  Or are WAY further into their watch-dog or possum brain than the situation reasonably warrants?

Isn’t that the million dollar question.

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Because of the way our minds and bodies and nervous systems are connected to each other, when our kids flip their lids, of COURSE we do too!!!!

Unfortunately, because we (the grown-up) are theoretically the more regulated one in the relationship (LOL, I said theoretically) it’s our job to take the steps to come back into regulation and catch our OWN owl brain, so that we can offer regulation, connection, and felt-safety to our children.

So.  How on EARTH do we do this???

The absolute very first thing to do is simply to notice the reaction we are having.

“Whoa.  I’m going bananas, too. Just like my kid.”

Acknowledge that it feels very real to you.

“My brain must think this situation is pretttttty scary.”

Then…self-compassion.

“This is SO hard.  It’s hard to parent this child.  It’s hard to be constantly on alert.  It’s hard for my nervous system to be regularly going bananas.  It’s exhausting.”

Next…take a big breath, with an emphasis on the long exhale.  Relax your shoulders, fists, eyes.  Maybe sit down.  This sends a message to your watch dog brain that sounds like “Everything is OK here.”

Then…if I still need support to re-engage my owl brain, I bring to mind *my people.*  The people in my life who love me, care for me, offer me compassion, don’t judge me, but also hold my behaviors to a high standard.

I see their faces in my mind.  Hear their words.  Imagine what it feels like to have their hand on my back.

(I actually have a little knick-knack in my house that reminds me of being cared for by these important people. I can lay my eyes on this knick-knack and that helps, too).

Now I draw back on self-compassion, and bring to mind my self-compassion mantra (thanks Kristin Neff- who literally wrote the book on Self-Compassion).

This is a moment of suffering.  Suffering is a part of life.  May I be kind to myself in this moment.  May I give myself the compassion I need. (taken from the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff).

Chances are by now, after another big deep breath, I’m ready to pay attention to what the real problem is with my child.

And it’s usually that they need help with regulation, connection, or felt-safety.

These are a lot of steps.  I get it. 

Practice.  Try just one. Or two.

Or go through these steps later.  You can reflect on a situation where you and your child got dysregulated, and still go through all those steps.

With more practice, it gets easier.  Faster.  More automatic.

Just like practicing anything else- easier, faster, more automatic.

To help you practice these steps,

Free Infographic

I created a one-page graphic you could hang on your fridge, save in your phone, or tack to your bulletin board.  A short visual reminder that will walk you through the first four steps:

  1. Notice
  2. Acknowledge
  3. Self-Compassion
  4. Big Breath

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Trauma, Memory, & Behaviors


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“Why is my child still triggered…after all these years?”

“Why does my child STILL feel unsafe?”

“I’ve never hurt my child. They’ve never missed a meal here. Why does their history still matter?”

The parents I work with try so hard to be attuned. To be connected. To understand the impact of trauma.

So. Hard.

Three, or five, or ten years down the road of working hard to create safety, be attuned, provide the intense level of needed co-regulation needed to parent a child with a history of trauma, and it can start to feel pretty demoralizing when some triggers or behaviors haven’t seemed to change.

“WHY is my child still struggling?”

“And I doing it wrong?”

“Is something wrong with my child?”

“Will they ever be OK?”

Parents give me the side-eye when I try to help them understand that their nine-year-old’s meltdown over being told ‘no’ to a snack five minutes before dinner is related to their experiences when they were three (or even two, or one).

I say “They get overwhelmed with the belief that they’ll never eat again and it feels completely true in the moment!”

More side-eye. Uh…what? This child has now never missed a snack or a meal in seven or more years. AND dinner is literally being cooked and is almost ready to put on the table. And now they are kicking and screaming and you are saying it’s because of feeling hungry? Seven years ago?

Believe it or not- yes!! And it’s not about bad parenting, or manipulation, or anything like that.

It’s simply about memory science!

I LOVE MEMORY SCIENCE.

Let’s look at how our memory processing system is designed to work!

And…if you’d like to watch a free three-part video series AND receive a PDF E-Book (also free!) about Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors, you can grab there by CLICKING HERE.

Implicit Memory

Simply because things cannot be recalled does not mean they are not remembered…by your body and your mind. There are two kinds of memories- implicit and explicit. Implicit memory is the kind of memory that describes ALL of your memories before about age 18 months old, and MOST of your memories before about age three. Implicit memory including body sensations, feelings, perceptions, and behavioral impulses- which are behaviors that don’t have any conscious awareness.

Your child might not have recall memories of being left alone for eight-hours at a time when they were 12-months-old, but their body remembers the terror and helplessness. Terror and helplessness might have been experienced at the same time as other every-day things, like the sound of the television or the phone ringing. Or the way the light peaked in through the blinds. Or the smell of feces. In the brain “What fires together wires together” (Hebb’s Axiom) so terror and the telephone right may have been wired together. Or terror and the certain way the light looks in the room. In the future, when your child hears a phone ring or seems the light stream in a certain way, the part of their brain that holds terror may also be activated- EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T HAVE CONSCIOUS MEMORY!!! This can be pretty confusing- for us and them!

Explicit Memory

After about age three, implicit AND explicit memory both start contributing to the way we have experiences, stores those experiences in our memory, and recall them later.
Explicit memory is what we are usually talking about when we are talking about memory. Explicit memory has a felt-sense of “I am remembering something right now.” You bring a situation to mind (or recall some facts) and there is a sense in your body that you are remembering this situation- not having it right now.

Explicit memories are recalled. It’s the image we bring to mind when we remember the day we got married or when we graduated. Or that moment from our favorite family vacation. When our memory processing system is working correctly (and when we are older than age three and encoding explicit memories!!), implicit and explicit memory work together. The positive sensations and feelings emerge in our body while we have fact-based memories of the experience. An image often comes to mind. There is a clear sense of “I am remembering something!” and we even have a different felt-sense that arises when we remember something from a year ago versus ten years ago.

These memories have a time stamp!

Explicit memory helps us orient to time. If explicit and implicit information is appropriately connected, then when you recall your favorite family Christmas at Grandma’s home because you smell homemade cinnamon rolls, your brain instantly knows that Christmas is a memory- it isn’t happening RIGHT NOW. If Christmas at Grandma’s house was traumatic and the experience was not fully integrated and appropriately stored in your memory processing system, you may be triggered by the sweet smell of cinnamon rolls and your body may feel as though Christmas is happening NOW. The feelings of the trauma will arise in your body now (feelings like terror, helplessness, hopeless) but they feel related to what is happening NOW- not a memory.

During traumatic experiences, implicit and explicit information may not be linked appropriately. The implicit does not connect to the explicit. And (here’s the REALLY important part) this implicit data that isn’t connected is often not altered by later life experiences! (Though it can be under the right circumstances…it isn’t hopeless!).

When an implicit memory is triggered and there is no explicit memory to help it understand time and place, your child’s body literally feels like the experience is happening RIGHT NOW. Which means fight/flight/freeze/collapse happens in less than an instant. Their experience in the now is flooded in the experience from the past, and their body reacts.

Trauma doesn’t tell time.

When an unintegrated implicit memory gets triggered, it doesn’t have access to information that tells your child “Hey! That happened a long time ago! You are safe now!” Trauma seizes your child’s body in the moment and thrusts them back into those terrifying times when the trauma was happening. This happens in milliseconds.

This isn’t happening because you are failing as a parent or because your child is being manipulative. It’s happening because of the way our memory processing system works and the way we construct our own experience of reality based on the NOW and the PAST- and then our body responds to THAT. It is always in response to how we are experiencing reality and it is always in response in trying to stay safe and alive.

Why do I think this is important?!

Believe it or not, understanding what’s happening and why it’s happening is a parenting strategy. It doesn’t really feel like a strategy, but it is! When we understand what’s happening, we can stay more regulated. We don’t take it personally. We don’t try to logic away the trauma response. We respond to the behavior with safety, co-regulation, and connection because we understand that the only necessary thing to do is soothe our child and help them come back into connection with the ‘here and now.’ We don’t punish, lecture, or berate ourselves for being a terrible parent.

And these actions actually are strategies. When we respond to a trauma response with connection, co-regulation, and safety, we actually are doing EXACTLY the thing that helps those disconnected implicit and explicit memories find each other and integrate. Experiencing safety and connection in a moment when the brain is expecting to experience danger (a trauma response means the brain is expecting to experience danger) is precisely what memory reconsolidation theory tells us needs to happen! This will encourage the disconnected implicit memories to get connected to the explicit so that the memory feels like a MEMORY. When our bodies know a memory is a memory and not what’s happening right now, it will decrease and maybe even eventually stop a fight/flight/freeze/collapse response.

Want to dive even deeper? FREE video series!

I love this topic SO MUCH and believe it is such powerful and important information for caregivers to have that I’ve created a three-part video series where we dive a little deeper into these concepts. So if you want a little better understanding of implicit and explicit memory, or if you learn better through listening to someone talk and/or seeing images, hop over to the video series. It’s completely free.

Trauma, Memory, & Behaviors VIDEO series!

Check out that video series by CLICKING HERE and definitely let me know what you think! What was one take away? What is something new you learned? How will it help you?

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Depathologize Human Behavior. For Good.


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I’m done with participating in a mental health system of pathology. In viewing human behavior through ANY lens except one that says “Based on your past experiences, your mind, your brain, and your current experiences, everything you are doing, seeing, saying, believing makes complete sense.”

I was done a loooong time ago.  I changed my approach, my beliefs.  I immersed myself in interpersonal neurobiology, then the relational neurosciences.  IPNB theory asserts that as complex systems (the human mind) we are ALWAYS attempting to move toward coherence.  That a lack of integration (often a result of early experiences, but certainly not always!) causes our minds to move toward chaos or rigidity- and that this move toward chaos or rigidity presents itself outwardly at the symptoms we label mental illness.

But even as our systems move into chaos or rigidity, we are always attempting to move back into coherence, connection, and regulation.  And sometimes the way we do that isn’t quite as helpful as we’d hoped.

This often looks like symptoms too!!!

What changes when we believe that everything we do is a result of our brain’s shift into chaos or rigidity and then our attempts at trying to regulate and move back into coherence? And that as complex systems, this is always happening.  We are ALWAYS trying to move back into coherence.  It’s a mathematical fact.  What changes?

For me, basically everything.

Centuries of Puritanism, industrialism, capitalism, racism, and colonialism have curated an intergenerational belief based on fear and power that somehow our behaviors are about character or something being right or wrong with us.

The way our body processes sugar is easily considered a simple manifestation of the brain and nervous system, but the way our body processes experiences and then is expressed through behavior is considered character.

What if all our behaviors are just a manifestation of our inner experience?  Our brain, mind, body, nervous system?

And what if human beings were always moving toward being their best selves?  And what if human being’s best selves were literally designed to be in connection?  Relational? Cooperative?  Individualistic and collective?  A truly integrated mind, brain, and body easily creates a we…a me and a you that comes together for something unique without relinquishing the me OR the you.  ALL are important!!!

I slept weird the night into the 4th. I’m not sure why…maybe getting a HUGE project finally done.  But I woke up Saturday morning after a somewhat sleepless night (very strange me for….I usually have no problems sleeping a solid seven or eight hours!) with an energy I haven’t felt in a long time- maybe ever.  An energy of commitment no longer participate in ANY way in a pathologizing system of mental health. An energy to be a strong voice leading our mental health system away from good, bad, right, wrong, with interventions that dehumanize and preference someone else’s ideas of how humans should be or act.

I’ve been committed to depathologizing mental health for years and years and years.  In my clinical work.  In my teaching and writing and blogging and speaking and writing.

I’m going to up my game.

If we could truly understand what is driving people’s behaviors, we could easily extend compassion while also having extremely clear boundaries.

We would stop shaming everyone.  EVERYONE.  Even people committing the biggest atrocities.  We would have BOUNDARIES (get those people out of power, put people in jail when needed) but we would also fiercely look at WHY those behaviors were happening.  We would stay curious and not shaming.  We would then create opportunities of healing and integration, instead of more shaming, pathologizing…which only increase the very behaviors we are trying to stop (mainly, behaviors that hurt other humans).

There’s too much to say and write about this and my thoughts aren’t organized quite enough yet.

Depathologizing people, humans, mental health is our only way out.  If we could truly understand the mind and behaviors- including behaviors that don’t inspire connection and community (violence, power, objectification, etc.) – and understand them through curiosity, compassion, and boundaries instead of shame, othering, and continued dehumanizing…we could maybe get out of this mess in a generation.  Or two.

And those are my grandkids.

I have to try.

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Trauma Behavior? Or just acting up? {EP 30}


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The Most Common Question!

“I need to figure out…is this bad behavior just normal kid acting up behavior?  Or is this behavior because of their trauma?!”

“Ah,” I say. “You’d like to distinguish between if this behavior is about this child’s trauma or not!”

“Yes.”

“Yeah!  I’m curious- what feels helpful about being able to distinguish?”

“Well…if it’s normal kid acting up, I’ll set a boundary and maybe a consequence.”

Keep reading of listen on the podcast!

“Oh!  I get it!  You’ll respond differently based on if the behavior is about trauma or just normal kid acting out- that’s why you want to know!  You want to know how to respond!”

“Well, yes!”

“AHH! OK!  Gosh, it seems like a lot of work to try to figure out if you child’s behavior is related to their trauma or not…is this something you think about a lot?”

“YES!  I know if it’s a trauma behavior I have to respond different! If it’s about trauma then I want to meet their need and help them.”

“Oh gosh, of course that’s what you want to do.  I can see clearly how much you adore your kid, want to respond in a way that helps and doesn’t hurt.”

“YES!”

An Easier Way

“I wonder if you might be open to considering an easier way to help distinguish how to respond to your child’s behaviors?  And take yourself off the hook for trying to figure out all the time ‘is this due to trauma or not?’”

“Definitely if it’s easier, for sure.  But I don’t understand…I thought we really needed to know if it was a trauma behavior or not?! How do I set a boundary if I don’t know?!?!”

“Yeah, that makes total sense that it feels really important to know…but actually…it really doesn’t!  What is MORE important to know is how regulated or dysregulated is your child.  How connected is he to his owl brain?  Is her watch dog brain taking over? Or her possum brain?”

“Uh…my kid does not have a zoo in their brain!”

“HA! Of course not!!  It’s just a playful way of looking at how dysregulated the brain is.  When we’re playful, it’s easier to learn, easier to stay regulated, easier to help our kid! There are four different stages of dysregulation in the watch dog and possum brain…and if we figure out what level of dysregulation your child is, we’ll know how to respond!”

Just Acting Bad

“What does dysregulation have to do with this bad behavior? He doesn’t SEEM dysregulated! Just acting bad.”

“Well…if regulated, connected kids who feel safe, and know what to do of course, behave well, the dysregulation has everything to do with behavior!  When our owl thinking brain is in charge, we behave in ways that invite connection.  So, even if a behavior doesn’t LOOK dysregulated, if it’s NOT inviting connection, then we need to get curious about what’s going on INSIDE.”

“But…what about my child’s trauma history?”

“YES!  We will definitely be keeping that in mind because kids with trauma history often have realllllly overactive watch dog or possum brains!!!”

“Possums are freaky…”

“Yes I know…once I woke up to one on my brand new laser jet printer and I screamed.  It was terrifying!”

“Uh…a possum? On your printer? Like…inside?”

“YES!  I’ll tell you that story later.  But really my point is, we can learn to take cues from our kids about how active their watch dog brain or their possum brain is…and when we know which stage they are in (calm, alert, alarm, fear, or terror) then we know what to do. And we ONLY teach when the owl brain is available and the watch dog and possum are calm. Also- even though we are talking about owls, and watch dogs and possums…this really is based completely on brain science.”

No Boundaries? Just Excuses?

“So…I just let me child do whatever they want because they are dysregulated and the watch dog is taking over?”

“Oh my, that sounds awful!  Nope, definitely not.  It’s our job to provide the structures, boundaries, scaffolding, and coregulation that your child needs to help them realllllly grow their owl brains.  Just like if she was a toddler.”

“Except she’s 10.”

“I know.  That’s super frustrating and exhausting for sure.”

“And you are saying that trying to determine level of dysregulation is easier than trying to determine if it’s a behavior about trauma or not?”

“Well it’s easier because it’s POSSIBLE.  We could never truly distinguish between a trauma behavior and a not trauma behavior.  That’s just not how the brain works.”

“Ok…I really want to hear about what happened with that possum on your printer, so I guess tell me more about this ‘zoo in the head’ way of knowing how to respond to behaviors.”

*************************

Man….writing this was way more fun than I expected.  What a cool job I have :)

Trying to figure out if it’s a trauma behavior or not is exhausting…and ultimately impossible.

We can look at the stage of dysregulation- and ultimately ask ourselves “Is this child’s behavior inviting me into connection with them?” NO? Well…then we have to get beneath the behavior and figure out if they are regulated, connected to me (and themselves), and if they feel safe.  Then we help THAT.  The behavior is just the tip of the ice burg.

Head to my podcast on how we need to Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (regardless of it’s a trauma-driven behavior or regular kid behavior!)

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.  

Just let me know where to send the links!

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I’m worried about the therapists…and the invisible front-line


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“I’m worried….” is not an uncommon statement to hear coming from my mouth.  In the past year or so, I’ve been trying to really notice how often I start sentences with “I’m worried…” It’s been eye-opening because I don’t consider myself a terrible anxious person (neurotic is another story…perhaps my neuroses works so well that I don’t even notice obvious signs of anxiety.  Who knows!!)

So when I say “I’m worried about the therapists….” I don’t say that lightly.

I’m worried about the therapists.

While I’m on clinical sabbatical, I’m working with a LOT of therapists in consultation- individually and in groups.  I’m a part of several therapist social media groups, including one I moderate.  I am continuing to teach a lot of therapists.  I’ve got a pretty good pulse on what’s going on behind closed doors for these invisible front-line workers.

And it’s not good.

Being a therapist is really really really really really really hard.  The in-the-room work is exhausting but also so amazingly rewarding…and when we’ve got a good balance going on, the rewards are so great that we can keep moving through the exhaustion.

Eight weeks ago therapists across the country (world, probably, though I have less awareness of what’s going on outside the US) were thrust into a way of doing therapy that most did not ask for- telehealth.  While tele-mental health isn’t new, it was new for the majority of therapists on March 15, 2020 when the country shut down (and some of our NYC area therapists have been locked down even longer).

Therapists took their caseloads and moved to a platform they knew nothing about, weren’t comfortable with, and had no interest in using.
Thank you.

All of the sudden, they were utterly and completely alone.

With a platform they didn’t know and didn’t like.

They showed up to do their jobs with their foundation crumbling.  When you haven’t ever done telehealth before, you have a HUGE adjustment to figure out how to create relational connection- the absolute FOUNDATION of doing our work and doing it well.

Now do this with 20 or 30 people in crisis.  All at the same time.

NOW do this with children.
Watch your client’s struggle while you sit helplessly on the other side of the screen.  Then the screen freezes.  The client can’t see or hear you for a moment.  There is a time lag.  Then the software crashes.  You both try to reconnect.

NOW do this while you are experiencing the exact same crisis that all your clients are experiencing.

I’m worried.

Dear therapists.  I see you.  I’m shaken down with gratitude that you just keep trying.  You keep using a platform you hate.  You miss your clients, your office.  You’ve been waiting for this to be over and just get back to your four walls.

And now you realize that there is no going back to what it used to be.

Therapists are brainstorming how on earth they will sanitize their toys.  Which toys should I get rid of?  Which toys are cheap enough that Ican make individual play therapy kits for all my clients?  What do I take out the waiting room?  What sanitizing practices between clients are sufficient?  How am I at risk?  How are my clients at risk?  Do we insist clients wear masks?

Dear therapists.  I see you.  I have no solution but I see you.  We will probably lose some of you and I get it.  This is so hard.
Our very very hard jobs have gotten very very much harder.

I see you.

I’m thinking about you all the time.  My husband has heard me say “I’m worried about the therapists…” a lot.  Like….many times every single day.  Especially at the end of the day.  I’m trying to figure out what to do.  I have no idea.

So this is my first step.  A little note.  I see you

Thank you for continuing to try. And when you just can’t try anymore, I understand.

Robyn

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S  (when not in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic) is a blogger, teacher, trainer, and consultant for therapists and professionals working with children with a history of complex trauma.  
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Space for us all to grieve

I needed to talk through what I was feeling about grief, privilege, and how the privileged will hold our grief…and everyone else’s. I really see no other way.

But I couldn’t get my thoughts together. So I called Marshall.

Bless him. To have found a friend like Marshall.

https://youtu.be/rMFwCH35_Rg
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The Hub, The Rim, The Both And

“…Our mind can be pictured as a bicycle wheel, with the hub at the center and spokes radiating at the outer rim. The rim represents anything we can pay attention to or become aware of. The hub is the inner place of the mind from which we become aware of all that’s happening around and within us…” Dr. Dan Siegel

I can only imagine how I’d be managing this life-upending pandemic if it wasn’t for my immersion into interpersonal neurobiology and the relational neurosciences.

Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson- The Whole Brained Child

If it hadn’t been for the science, I don’t know if I would have ever risked wading into the waters of integration, relational connection, and regulation.

IPNB turned this graphic…the idea that we have a hub of the mind and we can shift our attention to connect with things out on the rim….from a theoretical idea that sounded nice into a reality.

I lived my life completely on the rim. I didn’t NOTICE a feeling. I WAS a feeling. I was swept away. I had no sense of a hub. I had no sense of a ME.

I DEFINITELY had no idea what it meant to be with the ‘both and’.

And here we are. At the beginning of a crisis that will change our lives forever. NOTHING will ever be the same. And also there is the reality that it’s highly likely that me and my family will be one of the lucky ones. We will recover financially. We will not lose our house. If we get sick, we will probably get healthy again (though it seems to be more and more clear that this virus is unforgiving and we are ALL at risk of getting sick and not getting healthy again).

What about the people who cannot visit their dying loved ones…loved ones already on hospice when this started.

What about the folks who had their first day of sobriety on March 15th…

What about the children who live with adults who already cannot manage stress…and are flooded with emotion that makes them violent or turns them toward substances? And now these children aren’t in school, aren’t around other safe people.

I could write for days about the scenarios…the real-life scenarios that I would sit here and make up but that are actually happening to people out there RIGHT NOW while I sit in my home office and contemplate how I will dress warm-enough to go for a walk when it’s 30 degrees. I could write for DAYS about those scenarios but they aren’t scenarios, they are real.

And four or five years ago? Honestly…I’d sit here in complete paralysis about those scenarios. I’d sit in paralysis about my OWN situation, which truly, isn’t dire. I’d rage and cry and convince myself that the worse-case-scenario is absolutely inevitable so what is even the point.

And today? Well…actually…I’m still doing those things. But the difference? The difference in me today because I’ve lived and breathed and loved the relational neurosciences to the point that it has changed the cells in my body?

Today I can pause. Today I can see the terror, the paralysis…as points on the rim. And I can notice them, allow them to grab my attention…and then I can move on to the next point on the rim. And sometimes I find myself stranded at the rim not even knowing that any other point on the rim could possibly exist. And sometimes I stay in my hub, noticing these rims points and moving on to others.

When I hang in my hub, I can be with the both and. I can be with two completely contradictory experiences AT THE SAME TIME. I can welcome them all. I can not shame any part of me. I can acknowledge that terror, grief, and a toddler-like tantrum are all welcome. And so is peace, leaning into the unknown, and gratitude for all my good-fortunes.

The best part about the hub? Sometimes I am sitting so solidly in my hub that I can watch other people dancing on their rim…and not get pulled onto my own rim point. I can see them as simply being swept away. But I can stay in my hub. And maybe, I can even LEND them my hub. Maybe not. But hey…you never know.

I’m going to do my best to stay in my hub today. To notice all the things. To allow the terror. To allow the OKness. I’m also going to practice compassion when I return to my hub after being fully swept onto the rim. I won’t judge myself or shame myself. I will be grateful I could come back to the hub.

And I will be forever grateful to my mentors in the IPNB world…to my therapist…to my dear dear friends who support me in my hub…and to my husband.

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S  (when not in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic) is a blogger, teacher, trainer, and consultant for therapists and professionals working with children with a history of complex trauma.  

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Seeing Behaviors as a Stress Response

In the midst of the global crisis that is the pandemic COVID-19, I’m so grateful I can see behaviors through the lens of the stress response.  Mine.  And others.

Otherwise, it would be pretty easy to be confused, baffled, and frankly, a bit (or even a lot) judgy judgy.

Unless you are one minute old, every single experience you are having in every single moment is being filtered through every single experience you’ve ever had in every single previous moment.

 And because of those experiences, we all have our default stress response.

Some of us become ostrich’s and bury our heads.

Some of us become possum’s and literally fall asleep.

Some of us become lions and wage a full on attack.

Some of us become road runners and get the heck outta dodge.

Many of us have all of these little critters living inside of us and have seen of those glorious protectors come out and various times in the last week.

The commitment to understanding the neurobiology of being human…the understanding that there is no such thing as maladaptive; that regulated, connected people who feel safe behave well; that connection is a biological imperative;

The commitment to the neurobiology of being human is more important than ever. 

Because the by-product of understanding the neurobiology of being human is compassion.

It’s easy for me to move into a place of panic.  I’m as human as everyone else.  But when I allow myself to move back into my beliefs about what it means to be human, I notice a swell of compassion and then I notice a swell of rest.

We need as many moments of rest in our nervous system as absolutely possible. 

Understanding the neurobiology of being human is as much for our own good as it is for the good of everyone else.

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S  is a blogger, teacher, trainer, and consultant for therapists and professionals working with children with a history of complex trauma.  

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No Behavior is Maladaptive {EP 3}


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Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

There is no such thing as maladaptive.

No. Behavior. Is. Maladaptive.

Said another way- all behavior makes sense.  

Sure, there are LOTS of behaviors that have pretty big negative consequences…for ourselves and others.

But the way the human mind is so brilliantly working all the time leaves me with an unwillingness to negotiate the truth that all behavior is adaptive.

11 Million Bits of Data

In every moment, our bodies, brains, minds, and nervous system is taking in 11 million bits of information.  11 million!!!  Obviously, the very vast majority of this information is being taken in and processed without any awareness or conscious attention, right?  Imagine driving for a moment.  How much information is your brain constantly processing that’s allowing you to get safely down the road?  More than we could even speak to.  And thank goodness it’s done unconsciously or really…we wouldn’t be able to drive.

So our brilliant brains are taking in 11 million bits of information every moment but only somewhere between 12 and 50 bits of information are we able to CONSCIOUSLY pay attention to!!! (Process explicitly).  The very very very vast majority of information coming into our senses is processed completely outside our awareness.

Neuroception- Knowing without Knowing

Then there’s amazing phenomenon called ‘neuroception.’  Neuroception is the idea that we are processing these 11 million bits of data unconsciously in every moment…and part of what we are doing with that data is determining if we are safe…or not.  It knows this without us even KNOWING it knows this.

In fact, our brains are doing this constantly.  At least four times every second.

It’s almost impossible to wrap our heads around ¼ of a second OR 11 million bits of data.

The brain is astounding.

Bringing Together Then & Now

Then our amazing brains blends the information that it is processing RIGHT EXACTLY NOW with all the information it has store in our memory networks.  Which is…A LOT of information.  Those two streams of information (then and now) merge together like two rivers merging together to create our conscious experience of NOW.  But see…it’s not only based on NOW info.

Our brains are beautifully anticipatory machines…designed to guess what’s about to happen and how we should respond.  And yup…it makes that guess based on those two streams flowering together…then and now.

And our brain is absolutely 100% only interested in what is best for us.  Period.  End of story.

If we are safe, what is best for us is relational connection.  Because we are human and that’s just how it goes.

If we are NOT safe, what is best for us is protection from danger.

BUT REMEMBER!!!  We aren’t making the decision of safe or not safe based only on objective information that is happening right now.  There is a lot of ‘past’ that is influencing that decision.

This is true for all humans.  The past is always invading the present.  Thank goodness or I would have no idea how to even use the machine with buttons with letters to write this all out- let alone use it with any speed and efficiency that allows a little bit of ease in my life.

Integrated memories allow the past to flow gently into the present so I can ‘do something’ (behave) in a way that works, makes sense, and continues to meet my goals (staying alive, staying in relationship, etc. etc.).

The dam of the past

Memories that aren’t integrated…often due to emotional overwhelm at the time of the experience….don’t flow gently into the stream of now.  They crash into the stream like a dam has been released, overflowing and overtaking…now our past becomes the majority of our now.

This obviously impacts the way our brain determines if I’m safe or not.  If my river is flooded with past unsafe, and that is a huge part of what is creating my experience of now, my behaviors are based on the past…on being unsafe.

We are ALWAYS trying to be safe.  We are ALWAYS trying to find our way back to connection.  ALWAYS.

But if my experience of NOW is overly impacted by my experience of THEN, it’s highly likely I’m going to behave in ways that don’t really reflect OTHER’S experience of NOW.

This will make it LOOK like I’m behaving bad, inappropriate or unsafe.  Even controlling or manipulative.  Overreacting.  Histrionic.  UNDERreacting.  This may be easy to label self-sabotage.  In extreme circumstances we start to label these behaviors as personality or character deficits.

The behavior CERTAINLY LOOKS MALADAPTIVE.

But the brain just doesn’t work that way.  The brain doesn’t do maladaptive.  The brain takes then and now, mashes it together, and then does something next based solely on what it believes is best given how the then and now flow together.

Why is it helpful to consider that no behavior is maladaptive??

Well it certainly isn’t so we take pity on the person behaving badly and loosen our boundaries, allowing them to just keep behaving badly.  That just increases our resentment and does nothing to help their brain more accurately bring together the then and now.

It’s helpful to consider that no behavior is maladaptive because it changes how we look at that person.

It brings us to a place of compassion and understanding.  We depersonalize their behavior.  We don’t making sweeping character judgments.

Every single one of us comes to know who we are by the mirror that is reflected to us through the eyes of the other.

So what would happen if people behaving badly had strong boundaries set with loving eyes.  With eyes that communicated that they were doing the best they can.  With eyes that expressed compassion at how the past is a tsunami on their now.

Sweet ones…this isn’t even about trauma.  This is about HUMANS.  We are ALL always behaving in ways that we believe are best in the moment based on how our past and our now come together.

Oh yeah another reason it’s helpful??

When we understand that this is about how the brain is working, we can consider ways to help the brain work better.  To slow the tsunami.  To close up the dam.  To help the rivers of then and now meet gently, connecting in harmony to create something that has never been created before.

And while there are lots of ways to support this gentle connection of then and now, you know what the BEST way is???

Compassion.

No, really.

Compassion is the energy that is needed to slow the tsunami.

And eventually when a struggling person receives enough compassion (WITH BOUNDARIES) they begin to develop self-compassion.

And self-compassion is EXACTLY the energy that is needed to bring the then and the now together more slowly…allowing the then to inform the now but without knocking it on it’s keister and destroying everything in it’s path.

Rapidly flowing water has the power to destroy everything in it’s past.  But all it’s try to do is be water.

We become what we see reflected back to us.

See behaviors as what they are…the result of two rivers coming together in the best way the person knows how.

The compassion will help the river slow down…

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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All Of You…Come…

What if I told you all of you was welcome?  I wanted to see…and know…every single part of you.

The parts you love yourself.  The parts you are proud of.  The parts that bring you delight.

But especially the parts you try to hide away.

The parts you believe are bad.

The parts you believe maybe even hurt other people.

The part of you that believes that the parts that should be hidden away are your true self.

What if I said please come?  Bring all of you?

And what if I just waited.

You don’t have to come.  But when you do, I’ll be here.

I’ll welcome all of you.

I will say thank you to all your parts.  Thank you for your hard hard work.  Thank you for doing what you thought was needed to stay safe.  Thank you for doing exactly what you believed was needed.

Thank you.

If all your parts want to stay, they are welcome to stay.

If any of your parts are ready for a break…and are willing to let your true self step forward and risk being loved for exactly all your perfectly imperfectness….then I will rock your tired parts, whisper my gratitude, admire their bravery, and invite them to rest.

What if I told you all of you is welcome? And what if you believed it?

Robyn

Can you imagine being surrounded by not only hundreds of people who believe this but all are parents of children impacted by trauma?  Parents who get it in a way you could never describe?

Well, that’s exactly why I created The Club.  We are waiting for you!

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