I needed to talk through what I was feeling about grief, privilege, and how the privileged will hold our grief…and everyone else’s. I really see no other way.
But I couldn’t get my thoughts together. So I called Marshall.
Bless him. To have found a friend like Marshall.
“…Our mind can be pictured as a bicycle wheel, with the hub at the center and spokes radiating at the outer rim. The rim represents anything we can pay attention to or become aware of. The hub is the inner place of the mind from which we become aware of all that’s happening around and within us…” Dr. Dan Siegel
I can only imagine how I’d be managing this life-upending pandemic if it wasn’t for my immersion into interpersonal neurobiology and the relational neurosciences.
If it hadn’t been for the science, I don’t know if I would have ever risked wading into the waters of integration, relational connection, and regulation.
IPNB turned this graphic…the idea that we have a hub of the mind and we can shift our attention to connect with things out on the rim….from a theoretical idea that sounded nice into a reality.
I lived my life completely on the rim. I didn’t NOTICE a feeling. I WAS a feeling. I was swept away. I had no sense of a hub. I had no sense of a ME.
I DEFINITELY had no idea what it meant to be with the ‘both and’.
And here we are. At the beginning of a crisis that will change our lives forever. NOTHING will ever be the same. And also there is the reality that it’s highly likely that me and my family will be one of the lucky ones. We will recover financially. We will not lose our house. If we get sick, we will probably get healthy again (though it seems to be more and more clear that this virus is unforgiving and we are ALL at risk of getting sick and not getting healthy again).
What about the people who cannot visit their dying loved ones…loved ones already on hospice when this started.
What about the folks who had their first day of sobriety on March 15th…
What about the children who live with adults who already cannot manage stress…and are flooded with emotion that makes them violent or turns them toward substances? And now these children aren’t in school, aren’t around other safe people.
I could write for days about the scenarios…the real-life scenarios that I would sit here and make up but that are actually happening to people out there RIGHT NOW while I sit in my home office and contemplate how I will dress warm-enough to go for a walk when it’s 30 degrees. I could write for DAYS about those scenarios but they aren’t scenarios, they are real.
And four or five years ago? Honestly…I’d sit here in complete paralysis about those scenarios. I’d sit in paralysis about my OWN situation, which truly, isn’t dire. I’d rage and cry and convince myself that the worse-case-scenario is absolutely inevitable so what is even the point.
And today? Well…actually…I’m still doing those things. But the difference? The difference in me today because I’ve lived and breathed and loved the relational neurosciences to the point that it has changed the cells in my body?
Today I can pause. Today I can see the terror, the paralysis…as points on the rim. And I can notice them, allow them to grab my attention…and then I can move on to the next point on the rim. And sometimes I find myself stranded at the rim not even knowing that any other point on the rim could possibly exist. And sometimes I stay in my hub, noticing these rims points and moving on to others.
When I hang in my hub, I can be with the both and. I can be with two completely contradictory experiences AT THE SAME TIME. I can welcome them all. I can not shame any part of me. I can acknowledge that terror, grief, and a toddler-like tantrum are all welcome. And so is peace, leaning into the unknown, and gratitude for all my good-fortunes.
The best part about the hub? Sometimes I am sitting so solidly in my hub that I can watch other people dancing on their rim…and not get pulled onto my own rim point. I can see them as simply being swept away. But I can stay in my hub. And maybe, I can even LEND them my hub. Maybe not. But hey…you never know.
I’m going to do my best to stay in my hub today. To notice all the things. To allow the terror. To allow the OKness. I’m also going to practice compassion when I return to my hub after being fully swept onto the rim. I won’t judge myself or shame myself. I will be grateful I could come back to the hub.
And I will be forever grateful to my mentors in the IPNB world…to my therapist…to my dear dear friends who support me in my hub…and to my husband.
Like what you read here? To get even more support, click here to sign up for my newsletter! I try to send it out monthly. Sometimes I succeed. Mostly I don’t 🙂
Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S (when not in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic) is a blogger, teacher, trainer, and consultant for therapists and professionals working with children with a history of complex trauma.
In the midst of the global crisis that is the pandemic COVID-19, I’m so grateful I can see behaviors through the lens of the stress response. Mine. And others.
Otherwise, it would be pretty easy to be confused, baffled, and frankly, a bit (or even a lot) judgy judgy.
Unless you are one minute old, every single experience you are having in every single moment is being filtered through every single experience you’ve ever had in every single previous moment.
And because of those experiences, we all have our default stress response.
Some of us become ostrich’s and bury our heads.
Some of us become possum’s and literally fall asleep.
Some of us become lions and wage a full on attack.
Some of us become road runners and get the heck outta dodge.
Many of us have all of these little critters living inside of us and have seen of those glorious protectors come out and various times in the last week.
The commitment to understanding the neurobiology of being human…the understanding that there is no such thing as maladaptive; that regulated, connected people who feel safe behave well; that connection is a biological imperative;
The commitment to the neurobiology of being human is more important than ever.
Because the by-product of understanding the neurobiology of being human is compassion.
It’s easy for me to move into a place of panic. I’m as human as everyone else. But when I allow myself to move back into my beliefs about what it means to be human, I notice a swell of compassion and then I notice a swell of rest.
We need as many moments of rest in our nervous system as absolutely possible.
Understanding the neurobiology of being human is as much for our own good as it is for the good of everyone else.
Like what you read here? To get even more support, click here to sign up for my newsletter! I try to send it out monthly. Sometimes I succeed. Mostly I don’t 🙂
Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S is a blogger, teacher, trainer, and consultant for therapists and professionals working with children with a history of complex trauma.
Keep reading or listen on the podcast!
There is no such thing as maladaptive.
No. Behavior. Is. Maladaptive.
Said another way- all behavior makes sense.
Sure, there are LOTS of behaviors that have pretty big negative consequences…for ourselves and others.
But the way the human mind is so brilliantly working all the time leaves me with an unwillingness to negotiate the truth that all behavior is adaptive.
11 Million Bits of Data
In every moment, our bodies, brains, minds, and nervous system is taking in 11 million bits of information. 11 million!!! Obviously, the very vast majority of this information is being taken in and processed without any awareness or conscious attention, right? Imagine driving for a moment. How much information is your brain constantly processing that’s allowing you to get safely down the road? More than we could even speak to. And thank goodness it’s done unconsciously or really…we wouldn’t be able to drive.
So our brilliant brains are taking in 11 million bits of information every moment but only somewhere between 12 and 50 bits of information are we able to CONSCIOUSLY pay attention to!!! (Process explicitly). The very very very vast majority of information coming into our senses is processed completely outside our awareness.
Neuroception- Knowing without Knowing
Then there’s amazing phenomenon called ‘neuroception.’ Neuroception is the idea that we are processing these 11 million bits of data unconsciously in every moment…and part of what we are doing with that data is determining if we are safe…or not. It knows this without us even KNOWING it knows this.
In fact, our brains are doing this constantly. At least four times every second.
It’s almost impossible to wrap our heads around ¼ of a second OR 11 million bits of data.
The brain is astounding.
Bringing Together Then & Now
Then our amazing brains blends the information that it is processing RIGHT EXACTLY NOW with all the information it has store in our memory networks. Which is…A LOT of information. Those two streams of information (then and now) merge together like two rivers merging together to create our conscious experience of NOW. But see…it’s not only based on NOW info.
Our brains are beautifully anticipatory machines…designed to guess what’s about to happen and how we should respond. And yup…it makes that guess based on those two streams flowering together…then and now.
And our brain is absolutely 100% only interested in what is best for us. Period. End of story.
If we are safe, what is best for us is relational connection. Because we are human and that’s just how it goes.
If we are NOT safe, what is best for us is protection from danger.
BUT REMEMBER!!! We aren’t making the decision of safe or not safe based only on objective information that is happening right now. There is a lot of ‘past’ that is influencing that decision.
This is true for all humans. The past is always invading the present. Thank goodness or I would have no idea how to even use the machine with buttons with letters to write this all out- let alone use it with any speed and efficiency that allows a little bit of ease in my life.
Integrated memories allow the past to flow gently into the present so I can ‘do something’ (behave) in a way that works, makes sense, and continues to meet my goals (staying alive, staying in relationship, etc. etc.).
The dam of the past
Memories that aren’t integrated…often due to emotional overwhelm at the time of the experience….don’t flow gently into the stream of now. They crash into the stream like a dam has been released, overflowing and overtaking…now our past becomes the majority of our now.
This obviously impacts the way our brain determines if I’m safe or not. If my river is flooded with past unsafe, and that is a huge part of what is creating my experience of now, my behaviors are based on the past…on being unsafe.
We are ALWAYS trying to be safe. We are ALWAYS trying to find our way back to connection. ALWAYS.
But if my experience of NOW is overly impacted by my experience of THEN, it’s highly likely I’m going to behave in ways that don’t really reflect OTHER’S experience of NOW.
This will make it LOOK like I’m behaving bad, inappropriate or unsafe. Even controlling or manipulative. Overreacting. Histrionic. UNDERreacting. This may be easy to label self-sabotage. In extreme circumstances we start to label these behaviors as personality or character deficits.
The behavior CERTAINLY LOOKS MALADAPTIVE.
But the brain just doesn’t work that way. The brain doesn’t do maladaptive. The brain takes then and now, mashes it together, and then does something next based solely on what it believes is best given how the then and now flow together.
Why is it helpful to consider that no behavior is maladaptive??
Well it certainly isn’t so we take pity on the person behaving badly and loosen our boundaries, allowing them to just keep behaving badly. That just increases our resentment and does nothing to help their brain more accurately bring together the then and now.
It’s helpful to consider that no behavior is maladaptive because it changes how we look at that person.
It brings us to a place of compassion and understanding. We depersonalize their behavior. We don’t making sweeping character judgments.
Every single one of us comes to know who we are by the mirror that is reflected to us through the eyes of the other.
So what would happen if people behaving badly had strong boundaries set with loving eyes. With eyes that communicated that they were doing the best they can. With eyes that expressed compassion at how the past is a tsunami on their now.
Sweet ones…this isn’t even about trauma. This is about HUMANS. We are ALL always behaving in ways that we believe are best in the moment based on how our past and our now come together.
Oh yeah another reason it’s helpful??
When we understand that this is about how the brain is working, we can consider ways to help the brain work better. To slow the tsunami. To close up the dam. To help the rivers of then and now meet gently, connecting in harmony to create something that has never been created before.
And while there are lots of ways to support this gentle connection of then and now, you know what the BEST way is???
Compassion.
No, really.
Compassion is the energy that is needed to slow the tsunami.
And eventually when a struggling person receives enough compassion (WITH BOUNDARIES) they begin to develop self-compassion.
And self-compassion is EXACTLY the energy that is needed to bring the then and the now together more slowly…allowing the then to inform the now but without knocking it on it’s keister and destroying everything in it’s path.
Rapidly flowing water has the power to destroy everything in it’s past. But all it’s try to do is be water.
We become what we see reflected back to us.
See behaviors as what they are…the result of two rivers coming together in the best way the person knows how.
The compassion will help the river slow down…
Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.
Just let me know where to send the links!
What if I told you all of you was welcome? I wanted to see…and know…every single part of you.
The parts you love yourself. The parts you are proud of. The parts that bring you delight.
The parts you believe are bad.
The parts you believe maybe even hurt other people.
The part of you that believes that the parts that should be hidden away are your true self.
And what if I just waited.
You don’t have to come. But when you do, I’ll be here.
I will say thank you to all your parts. Thank you for your hard hard work. Thank you for doing what you thought was needed to stay safe. Thank you for doing exactly what you believed was needed.
Thank you.
If all your parts want to stay, they are welcome to stay.
If any of your parts are ready for a break…and are willing to let your true self step forward and risk being loved for exactly all your perfectly imperfectness….then I will rock your tired parts, whisper my gratitude, admire their bravery, and invite them to rest.
What if I told you all of you is welcome? And what if you believed it?
Can you imagine being surrounded by not only hundreds of people who believe this but all are parents of children impacted by trauma? Parents who get it in a way you could never describe?
Well, that’s exactly why I created The Club. We are waiting for you!
No, really, they do. (We MAY have to adjust our definition of ‘behave well’ because we often have very inappropriate expectations for behaviors…but anyway….)
Without going into the theory of regulation and all the nitty gritty that makes me confident to make such a strong statement (that would take longer than a blog post), regulation is about keeping the accelerator and the brakes of arousal in balance (Dan Siegel, Parenting from the Inside Out).
When we are regulated, we are mindful of ourselves and others. Our brain is engaged at the level that is expected given our development (meaning, the regulation and engagement of higher level thinking of a three-year-old is quite different than a 16-year-old). We can see multiple options, don’t feel rigid or controlling. IPNB might say we are Flexible, Adaptive, Coherent, Energetic, and Stable. We are connected to ourselves and to others. We are NOT in a state of neuroceiving danger- we are experiencing safety and connection from the environment, from the people we are with, and from ourselves.
Dysregulation doesn’t HAVE to look out of control. It could – but dysregulation exists on a continuum and could look, on the outside, quite calm.
As human beings we are absolutely positively designed and created to be in connection with others.
Our mind, brain, and body develops inside the context of relationship. The vental vagus nerve…the nerve that eventually allows for what many people refer to as self-regulation, the part of the autonomic nervous system that allows us to rest into connection and social engagement…is literally myelinated (it develops, works better, faster, etc.) INSIDE the co-regulated relationship.
Social Baseline Theory tells us that connection is our BASELINE. When conditions are right, our baseline, our default, is to seek and be available for connection.
WAAAAAY below conscious awareness our brain is determining our level of safety. This is subjective because below conscious awareness means without cognitive thought.
Neuroception is the term used to describe this process- and Deb Dana eloquently states that our unconscious system is searching “inside, outside, and inbetween” to determine if we are safe.
Inside means we scan the felt-safety of our internal system.
Outside means we scan for cues of safety in the environment.
Inbetween means we scan for cues of safety in the relationship and the person we are with.
If we are safe, our system is open and available for connection. Remember- connection is our baseline.
If we are not safe (again, this is subjective) our brain switches into a defensive stance- fight/flight/freeze/collapse is initiated (mild to severe…it could just be an on-alert orienting or it could be full blown aggression or dissociation).
Defensive strategies prioritize protection NOT connection (though we are looking for ways to find connection, still, because connection is often brings about safety).
It’s normal to feel frustrated with a child’s defensive behaviors because “NOTHING IS UNSAFE!!!” But we have to remember this is subjective. Maybe nothing is unsafe to you- but clearly, something is unsafe to the child. Even if we don’t know what it is. Even if THEY don’t know what it is.
An important cue of safety is that the person I am with is regulated- THEY are not in fight/flight/freeze/collapse. THAT person is neuroceiving safety.
If the person I’m with is neuroceiving danger, in a defensive state, or even in the most mild state of fight/flight/freeze/collapse, the child is unable to get a cue of safety from that person and they lose felt safety.
This is tricky because when children are acting ‘badly’, we as adult often flip into a defensive state. We get controlling, annoyed, irritated, angry, etc. Now we have lost one important pathway toward helping the child come back into connection and regulation- our own felt-safety.
If a child is behaving in a way that is NOT inviting connection (aggressive, manipulative, under-achieving, back-talk, ignoring, lying, stealing, controlling, lazy….any of the words we use to describe behavior we don’t like) then that child’s nervous system is either NOT regulated, NOT connected to themselves or other, and /or NOT safe (one, two, or all three of these…sometimes it’s hard to isolate them).
When we are regulated, connected, and feeling safe we are designed to be in connection, in relationship, and our best selves.
Sometimes we have competing inner-parts- a part that feels safe and a part that doesn’t….or we have secondary experiences.
Meaning…sometimes connection can bring about regulation and felt-safety but then immediately becomes a cue of danger and causes a child to LOSE regulation and felt-safety because of their previous experiences in an unsafe attachment relationship.
But that’s an article for another day :)
Regulated, Connected Kids who Feel Safe Behave well is true about all kids, all humans. It has nothing to do with trauma. Kid with a trauma history have more vulnerabilities to neuroceiving a lack of safety. Their systems are developmentally delayed with regulation (because regulation is cultivating in secure attachment) and their experiences with connection have been frightening or dangerous.
But the idea that regulated connected people who feel safe behave well is universally true of all humans. Beyond Trauma Informed, we are moving into an era of understanding the Neurobiology of Being a Relational Human.
Behavior is simply the externalization of internal experience.
What we SEE on the outside is only a clue to what is happening on the inside.
Facial expressions. Hand gestures. Big and small.
HUGE behavior like tantrums, throwing, biting.
EVERYTHING we DO is simply an externalization of what’s happening internally.
With this in mind…do we really want to spend the majority of our energy changing the EXPRESSION of internal experience???
Or do we want to help change the internal experience so the behavior naturally changes?
To be honest, there is a time and a place to focus only on the behavior. This has to do with where you are, who is in charge, how old the child is, how dangerous the behavior is, and how capable the child is to use thinking-based coping skills to stop the behavior that just isn’t working for the situation.
But even in the times when that is true, do we REALLY want to just stop there?? Is it enough to stop the behavior in the moment? Or do we want to keep using our x-ray vision goggles, see through the behavior to whatever is happening internally, and try to change that too???
Regulated, connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do) behave well. This is the entire premise of my work with children and families. It’s the entire premise of my belief about humanity- those who have experienced toxic stress AND those who haven’t (and really….most of us have. Research shows that between 45 and 67% of the population has experienced at least ONE Adverse Childhood Experience).
I’m often asked…”OK, I understand the brain and the impact of toxic stress, but I still don’t know what to DO! Please tell me!!”
In a way, I get why that’s the next question. NO ONE comes into parenting knowing what to do with some of the confusing, baffling, and bizarre behaviors that we sometimes see in children impacted by toxic stress and developmental trauma.
But I still invite you to marinate on what you’ve learned about the impact of toxic stress. How it’s impacted your child’s sense of felt safety, regulation, and ability to connect. What you consider those things, often times the ‘What do I do!!!” becomes more clear.
What is hard is that when WE get dysregulated, we want a quick fix. We want something that will STOP an undesired behavior in it’s tracks.
I get it. It’s just that it rarely works that way. Quick fixes that stop behaviors in the moment usually involve fear and power. Again…this might be necessary depending on the severity and danger of the behavior…but this is not a long term solution.
Building connection, regulation, and felt-safety takes a lot of time. A lot of investment OUTSIDE moments of dysregulation.
Stopping bad behavior in the moment of dysregulation is actually the LEASDT important part of the journey.
But I do understand why it feels like the MOST important part.
Put on your x-ray vision goggles. See THROUGH the behavior and be curious about your child’s internal experience.
Increase connection. Increase regulation. Increase felt-safety.
Assume that Regulated, Connected Kids (people!!!) who feel safe (and know what to do!) behave well.
And see what shifts for you…and how you may intuitively know what to do!!!…when you truly embrace that belief.
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If you’re inspired by this approach to parenting- and this approach to YOURSELF- you will love my new self-paced online course, Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain.
Therapists and helpers are so committed to their craft and their clients. Our hearts to help and heal are enormous, and we’d do anything to help a client experience their true self the same we that WE experience them- as precious, loveable, and exactly who they are supposed to be.
We are so committed to this that we can become preoccupied with learning the next new technique or protocol. These tools offer so much hope. And we want to help our clients feel better as fast as possible! Our job is to work ourselves OUT of a job…as quickly as we can!!!
But the thing is…therapy usually isn’t very fast.
How could it be fast when the hurting has lasted for years? Maybe a lifetime. And the double whammy is that the faster we try to do therapy, the more we rely on a technique or a protocol at the expense of attunement and relational resonance, the slower therapy will go. Like so many things, it’s the ultimate paradox. The thing we think will speed it up is actually slowing us down. If we decide to be OK with the slow pace, it will actually go faster ;)
May 2020 be the year we focus on the ‘being’ in therapy and not the ‘doing’ in therapy. I’ve been lulled into thinking I needed to learn the latest and hottest technique, too. It built my confidence and helped me stay regulated in session when the “what on earth do I do now” moments came up. But I have been watching with growing curiosity at the field of psychotherapy as more and more ‘techniques’ and ‘protocols’ come out. Sliding into a left-brained technique and following a strict protocol will break the resonance…and the resonance is needed for integration to occur.
I’ve benefited from techniques, to be sure. EMDR. SE. Theraplay. I’ve benefited as a therapist and a client and absolutely weave these modalities into my treatment approach!! So I’m not saying at all that there is no place for techniques!! But a technique or protocol is such a teeny tiny part of the therapeutic experience and can only be successfully implemented inside a relationship full of felt-safety and attunement.
Use the ‘bones’ of the protocol and stay fiercely attuned to and connected with your client. Focus on widening your own window of tolerance- especially for uncertainty and ambiguity- and be deeply committed to looking at your own implicit vulnerabilities- WE ALL HAVE THEM.
Find your people. Don’t do therapy without colleagues who speak your language, share your theoretical orientation, and understand the intensity of the work we do. Find a mentor. Always be in consultation. Don’t do this alone. It is inside relationship where WE can grow our capacity to hold our client’s stories.
Practice being with. A lot. It’s good for you :)
Connection-based parenting (or trauma-informed parenting or parenting based on the neurobiology of being human???) gets this bad rap for being boundary-less parenting. How will kids ever learn the rules or to be kind or to have empathy if we allow them to never follow the rules, be kind, or have empathy?
This question seems to come from two primary places: fear AND an inaccurate belief about the true nature of people (which actually, is also fear…).
In all the work I have done with parents, teachers, caregivers, therapists etc. it’s usually not too hard to begin the paradigm shift to understanding the neurobiology of being human. It gets hard when something doesn’t go right and fear sneaks back. Then we are back to wondering about consequences, accountability, etc. We say things like “They can’t get away with that!” or “How will they ever learn?” or “I completely agree with everything you are saying but there still has to be a consequence.”
Just like every other human on earth who gets afraid. So human and normal.
I’ve come to see this as a normal developmental milestone in the switch to understanding the neurobiology of being human. The first stage in this paradigm shift is willingness to move away from punishment and shaming, but it’s still with the intention to control behavior- there is just a desire to control behavior with compassion and connection instead of punishment and shame. So when the first wrench gets thrown in and a child has a melt-down, we throw up our hands and insist that this new approach doesn’t work OR that it does in fact work but now it’s time for a consequence.
All this is a sign I’m with an adult who feels like their tool-box has been completely emptied and there is nothing to refill it. Well then yes indeed, that WOULD be scary!!! Tremendous fear then drives the adult into dysregulation and controlling, reactionary behavior. In almost all circumstances, if I can co-regulate the adult, speak to their long-term fear, and maybe even provide an actual idea of how to navigate that specific challenging behavior (basically I provide structure & nurture, connecting to the right-brain, offering a technique to the left-brain, and then come back to connection with the right-brain), the adult will come back around to being willing to continue down this new path of understanding the neurobiology of being human..
: )
But I’ve also noticed another reason that adults panic over how children will learn kindness, empathy, and the ability to ‘do the right thing’- we have some left-over inaccurate beliefs about the nature of people. Many of us were raised to believe that left to their own devices (ie, without punishment or control) humans are only interested in themselves and will not behave appropriately.
This simply isn’t true!!
We know that this capacity for BOTH is nurtured in the co-regulated secure attachment relationship. That the ability to dampen impulse in order to prioritize relationship (with self, others, society, etc.) is a developmental milestone that WILL BE ACHIEVED if we continue to grow their little brains through attuned, connected, coregulation.
Empathy grows in this fertile ground!
The brain develops this amazing ability to map the other person, to know their experience, so actually generate a felt-sense of their experience in our own bodies while STILL connecting to our OWN felt-sense. BOTH!!!! But this amazing super-power is literally developed inside a coregulated relationship where the child experiences being seen, felt, and known. And to be honest, we aren’t providing the experience of being seen, felt, and known when we use punishment, control, and assume the worst. In those circumstances, we are only responding to the behavior we SEE (and to our own fear) and we are NOT responding to what’s really happening for this child and who they really are.
And OF COURSE we parent with boundaries!!! Of course we DO show kids how their words, actions, etc. impact us and others. Parenting with the lens of understanding the neurobiology of being human doesn’t mean we ignore bad behavior. Not in the least!! We still set boundaries, have expectations, and do our best to set our kids up for success. It’s just that we do it without punishment, shame, or consequences because we realize WE DO NOT NEED TO!!! It’s really actually quite freeing.
When we are cussed at or disrespected, we first decide if the child is regulated enough IN THIS MOMENT to insist on more respectful behavior. IE “Whoa. I am hearing that you need something. I will work with you on that but we must have more respectful behavior/words/tone/body language.” If the child cooperates, we know something about their level of dysregulation (not that high). If the child escalates or otherwise doesn’t cooperate, we know something ELSE about their level of dysregulation- that it IS that high.
So we shift our focus to connection and regulation.
Maybe this does look like ‘ignoring’ it at first, while tempers calm (including ours).
Maybe we take a quick break. Maybe a breath. Maybe a drink or a snack. Maybe it’s “Hey..what’s going on here and how can I help?” or “We don’t talk to each other like that in this house but it seems like something isn’t right. What do you need?” (Set the boundary AND stayed curious about what was driving the behavior). And if you ignore it (it’s not really ignoring…it’s intentionally focusing on regulation and connection, knowing that cooperative and respectful behavior will naturally emerge once we establish regulation and connection…) then we make sure to revisit it again.
Most importantly, we do NOT do this out of fear. We do this with confidence AND compassion, but not fear. When we don’t hold a boundary out of FEAR, we aren’t providing the safety and coregulation that children need for their brains to grow.
Humans are DESIGNED to be their best selves. To thrive in relationship. To develop behaviors that keep them included in the group. Really!!!
“How do I know if this is a trauma related behavior or a normal kid behavior?”
“Help me know how to respond to this behavior in my child with a trauma history because if my bio kid had ever pulled anything like this, I would react WAY different.”
“I completely agree with trauma-informed care…but what about when it doesn’t work? Doesn’t the child need a consequence then?”
Without a doubt, I’m so grateful that children’s history of relationship trauma is creating a pause in how we react to behavior difficulties. But I’ve long wondered why we need the excuse of a trauma history to be curious about what’s driving the behavior, assume that there is an unmet need, consider the child’s regulation, or examine their connection to important adults in their world.
Not just our kids with trauma histories. Not just our kids without trauma histories. All of us. Me. You. Everyone.
Without going into a ton of neuroscience research in this moment, the emerging science of regulation theory, polyvagal theory, and attachment theory seem to make it pretty clear that we humans are pack animals. We are absolutely born to be in connection. Connection is actually our baseline (really…it’s called social baseline theory). And part of being in connection means behaving in a way that encourages people to want to be with us.
Sure. Humans are egocentric, self-driven. Because in addition to being born to be in connection, we are also born to be kept ALIVE. But when we are SAFE (which is subjective, by the way…), our brain is freed up to focus on connection.
Little ones need time to grow and develop a brain that is connected and integrated enough for emotion regulation and impulse control. To maintain a sense of self and their own needs and desires while ALSO caring about the needs and the desires of the people they are with or connected to. And this ability to develop emotional regulation and impulse control? They are basically developmental milestones that are achieved INSIDE the co-regulated caregiving relationship.
…if we parent through a lens of regulation, the neural structures that contribute to impulse control, empathy, delayed gratification, etc. WILL DEVELOP.
So when children are struggling, ALL children not just children with trauma histories, we need to pause and ask ourselves “Is this child feeling safe?” “Is this child regulated?” “Is this child feeling connected to me, believes I want to be connected to them, and is also connected to themselves?”
Children with a history of relationship trauma have a lower threshold for when they start to feel unsafe, dysregulated, and disconnected. But this litmus test- safe, regulated, connect- it’s true of kids with trauma histories AND everyone else on earth.
So all that to say….I think it’s time to officially move on from being trauma-informed to truly understanding the neurobiology of being human.
Trauma informed has been an important step in helping us begin to understand how behaviors are simply an externalization of inner experience. For some reason, we all needed the excuse of ‘trauma’ to start getting compassionate about behaviors and get curious about what’s happening inside. I wish we hadn’t needed that excuse, but we did (myself included).
And now it’s time to move on and just get human informed. Behavior is simply an externalization of inner experience. In all humans. All the time.
Regulated, connected kids (people) who feel safe (and know what to do) behave well.
The three-year-old tantrumming at the grocery store. Not regulated. Why aren’t they regulated? No idea. But regulated humans….even small ones…don’t have knock down drag out fits at the grocery store. Tired? Hungry? Overwhelmed?
Another regulated human helps them.
Maybe they offer a drink or a snack.
Maybe they sit quietly and wait.
Maybe they pick up the kicking three-year-old, whisper things like “I’ve got you…you’re feelings are so big but I’ve got you…” while ignoring the eye rolls and glares from the other adults at the grocery store, take the tantrumming three-year-old out the car, and wait for the storm to pass.
Then they offer a drink or a snack.
And finish grocery shopping, if possible.
I mean they do learn, but they aren’t learning what you are hoping. So if we aren’t using humiliation and punishment, then why else do we need to treat people with trauma histories differently than people without?
Look for the need. Structure? Boundaries? Nurture? Connection? Food? Nap?
Look for the level of dysregulation in the system.
Decide how to respond.
Maybe…just wait it out. Sometimes big feelings just need to get out.
This is true for EVERYONE.
And it’s true that people with trauma histories are more quickly dysregulated than people without significant trauma histories.
They need more connection and nurture before using structure and boundaries because they were likely LACKING in receiving connection and nurture previously in their lives.
But other than that?
Not much difference in responding to behaviors in people with trauma histories than in people without.
Compassion. Curiosity. Respond to the level of dysregulation.
And!!! Learn how to set compassionate boundaries. It is possible!! We humans don’t have a lot of practice at this. I really believe that once we learn about compassionate boundaries, we will finally be ready to go beyond trauma informed to just recognizing our shared humanity- the neurobiology of being human.
Assume people are always looking for connection.
Assume people are always doing the best they can.
Understanding the neurobiology of being human will take us past the limits of trauma-informed care. Understanding the neurobiology of being human is essential in TRULY being trauma-informed. This is the next hurdle. Otherwise, being trauma-informed is just the next technique or intervention to get people to act the way we want.
Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?
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Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior
