Trauma Behavior? Or just acting up? {EP 30}


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The Most Common Question!

“I need to figure out…is this bad behavior just normal kid acting up behavior?  Or is this behavior because of their trauma?!”

“Ah,” I say. “You’d like to distinguish between if this behavior is about this child’s trauma or not!”

“Yes.”

“Yeah!  I’m curious- what feels helpful about being able to distinguish?”

“Well…if it’s normal kid acting up, I’ll set a boundary and maybe a consequence.”

Keep reading of listen on the podcast!

“Oh!  I get it!  You’ll respond differently based on if the behavior is about trauma or just normal kid acting out- that’s why you want to know!  You want to know how to respond!”

“Well, yes!”

“AHH! OK!  Gosh, it seems like a lot of work to try to figure out if you child’s behavior is related to their trauma or not…is this something you think about a lot?”

“YES!  I know if it’s a trauma behavior I have to respond different! If it’s about trauma then I want to meet their need and help them.”

“Oh gosh, of course that’s what you want to do.  I can see clearly how much you adore your kid, want to respond in a way that helps and doesn’t hurt.”

“YES!”

An Easier Way

“I wonder if you might be open to considering an easier way to help distinguish how to respond to your child’s behaviors?  And take yourself off the hook for trying to figure out all the time ‘is this due to trauma or not?’”

“Definitely if it’s easier, for sure.  But I don’t understand…I thought we really needed to know if it was a trauma behavior or not?! How do I set a boundary if I don’t know?!?!”

“Yeah, that makes total sense that it feels really important to know…but actually…it really doesn’t!  What is MORE important to know is how regulated or dysregulated is your child.  How connected is he to his owl brain?  Is her watch dog brain taking over? Or her possum brain?”

“Uh…my kid does not have a zoo in their brain!”

“HA! Of course not!!  It’s just a playful way of looking at how dysregulated the brain is.  When we’re playful, it’s easier to learn, easier to stay regulated, easier to help our kid! There are four different stages of dysregulation in the watch dog and possum brain…and if we figure out what level of dysregulation your child is, we’ll know how to respond!”

Just Acting Bad

“What does dysregulation have to do with this bad behavior? He doesn’t SEEM dysregulated! Just acting bad.”

“Well…if regulated, connected kids who feel safe, and know what to do of course, behave well, the dysregulation has everything to do with behavior!  When our owl thinking brain is in charge, we behave in ways that invite connection.  So, even if a behavior doesn’t LOOK dysregulated, if it’s NOT inviting connection, then we need to get curious about what’s going on INSIDE.”

“But…what about my child’s trauma history?”

“YES!  We will definitely be keeping that in mind because kids with trauma history often have realllllly overactive watch dog or possum brains!!!”

“Possums are freaky…”

“Yes I know…once I woke up to one on my brand new laser jet printer and I screamed.  It was terrifying!”

“Uh…a possum? On your printer? Like…inside?”

“YES!  I’ll tell you that story later.  But really my point is, we can learn to take cues from our kids about how active their watch dog brain or their possum brain is…and when we know which stage they are in (calm, alert, alarm, fear, or terror) then we know what to do. And we ONLY teach when the owl brain is available and the watch dog and possum are calm. Also- even though we are talking about owls, and watch dogs and possums…this really is based completely on brain science.”

No Boundaries? Just Excuses?

“So…I just let me child do whatever they want because they are dysregulated and the watch dog is taking over?”

“Oh my, that sounds awful!  Nope, definitely not.  It’s our job to provide the structures, boundaries, scaffolding, and coregulation that your child needs to help them realllllly grow their owl brains.  Just like if she was a toddler.”

“Except she’s 10.”

“I know.  That’s super frustrating and exhausting for sure.”

“And you are saying that trying to determine level of dysregulation is easier than trying to determine if it’s a behavior about trauma or not?”

“Well it’s easier because it’s POSSIBLE.  We could never truly distinguish between a trauma behavior and a not trauma behavior.  That’s just not how the brain works.”

“Ok…I really want to hear about what happened with that possum on your printer, so I guess tell me more about this ‘zoo in the head’ way of knowing how to respond to behaviors.”

*************************

Man….writing this was way more fun than I expected.  What a cool job I have :)

Trying to figure out if it’s a trauma behavior or not is exhausting…and ultimately impossible.

We can look at the stage of dysregulation- and ultimately ask ourselves “Is this child’s behavior inviting me into connection with them?” NO? Well…then we have to get beneath the behavior and figure out if they are regulated, connected to me (and themselves), and if they feel safe.  Then we help THAT.  The behavior is just the tip of the ice burg.

Head to my podcast on how we need to Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (regardless of it’s a trauma-driven behavior or regular kid behavior!)

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.  

Just let me know where to send the links!

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I’m worried about the therapists…and the invisible front-line


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“I’m worried….” is not an uncommon statement to hear coming from my mouth.  In the past year or so, I’ve been trying to really notice how often I start sentences with “I’m worried…” It’s been eye-opening because I don’t consider myself a terrible anxious person (neurotic is another story…perhaps my neuroses works so well that I don’t even notice obvious signs of anxiety.  Who knows!!)

So when I say “I’m worried about the therapists….” I don’t say that lightly.

I’m worried about the therapists.

While I’m on clinical sabbatical, I’m working with a LOT of therapists in consultation- individually and in groups.  I’m a part of several therapist social media groups, including one I moderate.  I am continuing to teach a lot of therapists.  I’ve got a pretty good pulse on what’s going on behind closed doors for these invisible front-line workers.

And it’s not good.

Being a therapist is really really really really really really hard.  The in-the-room work is exhausting but also so amazingly rewarding…and when we’ve got a good balance going on, the rewards are so great that we can keep moving through the exhaustion.

Eight weeks ago therapists across the country (world, probably, though I have less awareness of what’s going on outside the US) were thrust into a way of doing therapy that most did not ask for- telehealth.  While tele-mental health isn’t new, it was new for the majority of therapists on March 15, 2020 when the country shut down (and some of our NYC area therapists have been locked down even longer).

Therapists took their caseloads and moved to a platform they knew nothing about, weren’t comfortable with, and had no interest in using.
Thank you.

All of the sudden, they were utterly and completely alone.

With a platform they didn’t know and didn’t like.

They showed up to do their jobs with their foundation crumbling.  When you haven’t ever done telehealth before, you have a HUGE adjustment to figure out how to create relational connection- the absolute FOUNDATION of doing our work and doing it well.

Now do this with 20 or 30 people in crisis.  All at the same time.

NOW do this with children.
Watch your client’s struggle while you sit helplessly on the other side of the screen.  Then the screen freezes.  The client can’t see or hear you for a moment.  There is a time lag.  Then the software crashes.  You both try to reconnect.

NOW do this while you are experiencing the exact same crisis that all your clients are experiencing.

I’m worried.

Dear therapists.  I see you.  I’m shaken down with gratitude that you just keep trying.  You keep using a platform you hate.  You miss your clients, your office.  You’ve been waiting for this to be over and just get back to your four walls.

And now you realize that there is no going back to what it used to be.

Therapists are brainstorming how on earth they will sanitize their toys.  Which toys should I get rid of?  Which toys are cheap enough that Ican make individual play therapy kits for all my clients?  What do I take out the waiting room?  What sanitizing practices between clients are sufficient?  How am I at risk?  How are my clients at risk?  Do we insist clients wear masks?

Dear therapists.  I see you.  I have no solution but I see you.  We will probably lose some of you and I get it.  This is so hard.
Our very very hard jobs have gotten very very much harder.

I see you.

I’m thinking about you all the time.  My husband has heard me say “I’m worried about the therapists…” a lot.  Like….many times every single day.  Especially at the end of the day.  I’m trying to figure out what to do.  I have no idea.

So this is my first step.  A little note.  I see you

Thank you for continuing to try. And when you just can’t try anymore, I understand.

Robyn

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S  (when not in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic) is a blogger, teacher, trainer, and consultant for therapists and professionals working with children with a history of complex trauma.  
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Space for us all to grieve

I needed to talk through what I was feeling about grief, privilege, and how the privileged will hold our grief…and everyone else’s. I really see no other way.

But I couldn’t get my thoughts together. So I called Marshall.

Bless him. To have found a friend like Marshall.

https://youtu.be/rMFwCH35_Rg
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The Hub, The Rim, The Both And

“…Our mind can be pictured as a bicycle wheel, with the hub at the center and spokes radiating at the outer rim. The rim represents anything we can pay attention to or become aware of. The hub is the inner place of the mind from which we become aware of all that’s happening around and within us…” Dr. Dan Siegel

I can only imagine how I’d be managing this life-upending pandemic if it wasn’t for my immersion into interpersonal neurobiology and the relational neurosciences.

Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson- The Whole Brained Child

If it hadn’t been for the science, I don’t know if I would have ever risked wading into the waters of integration, relational connection, and regulation.

IPNB turned this graphic…the idea that we have a hub of the mind and we can shift our attention to connect with things out on the rim….from a theoretical idea that sounded nice into a reality.

I lived my life completely on the rim. I didn’t NOTICE a feeling. I WAS a feeling. I was swept away. I had no sense of a hub. I had no sense of a ME.

I DEFINITELY had no idea what it meant to be with the ‘both and’.

And here we are. At the beginning of a crisis that will change our lives forever. NOTHING will ever be the same. And also there is the reality that it’s highly likely that me and my family will be one of the lucky ones. We will recover financially. We will not lose our house. If we get sick, we will probably get healthy again (though it seems to be more and more clear that this virus is unforgiving and we are ALL at risk of getting sick and not getting healthy again).

What about the people who cannot visit their dying loved ones…loved ones already on hospice when this started.

What about the folks who had their first day of sobriety on March 15th…

What about the children who live with adults who already cannot manage stress…and are flooded with emotion that makes them violent or turns them toward substances? And now these children aren’t in school, aren’t around other safe people.

I could write for days about the scenarios…the real-life scenarios that I would sit here and make up but that are actually happening to people out there RIGHT NOW while I sit in my home office and contemplate how I will dress warm-enough to go for a walk when it’s 30 degrees. I could write for DAYS about those scenarios but they aren’t scenarios, they are real.

And four or five years ago? Honestly…I’d sit here in complete paralysis about those scenarios. I’d sit in paralysis about my OWN situation, which truly, isn’t dire. I’d rage and cry and convince myself that the worse-case-scenario is absolutely inevitable so what is even the point.

And today? Well…actually…I’m still doing those things. But the difference? The difference in me today because I’ve lived and breathed and loved the relational neurosciences to the point that it has changed the cells in my body?

Today I can pause. Today I can see the terror, the paralysis…as points on the rim. And I can notice them, allow them to grab my attention…and then I can move on to the next point on the rim. And sometimes I find myself stranded at the rim not even knowing that any other point on the rim could possibly exist. And sometimes I stay in my hub, noticing these rims points and moving on to others.

When I hang in my hub, I can be with the both and. I can be with two completely contradictory experiences AT THE SAME TIME. I can welcome them all. I can not shame any part of me. I can acknowledge that terror, grief, and a toddler-like tantrum are all welcome. And so is peace, leaning into the unknown, and gratitude for all my good-fortunes.

The best part about the hub? Sometimes I am sitting so solidly in my hub that I can watch other people dancing on their rim…and not get pulled onto my own rim point. I can see them as simply being swept away. But I can stay in my hub. And maybe, I can even LEND them my hub. Maybe not. But hey…you never know.

I’m going to do my best to stay in my hub today. To notice all the things. To allow the terror. To allow the OKness. I’m also going to practice compassion when I return to my hub after being fully swept onto the rim. I won’t judge myself or shame myself. I will be grateful I could come back to the hub.

And I will be forever grateful to my mentors in the IPNB world…to my therapist…to my dear dear friends who support me in my hub…and to my husband.

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S  (when not in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic) is a blogger, teacher, trainer, and consultant for therapists and professionals working with children with a history of complex trauma.  

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Seeing Behaviors as a Stress Response

In the midst of the global crisis that is the pandemic COVID-19, I’m so grateful I can see behaviors through the lens of the stress response.  Mine.  And others.

Otherwise, it would be pretty easy to be confused, baffled, and frankly, a bit (or even a lot) judgy judgy.

Unless you are one minute old, every single experience you are having in every single moment is being filtered through every single experience you’ve ever had in every single previous moment.

 And because of those experiences, we all have our default stress response.

Some of us become ostrich’s and bury our heads.

Some of us become possum’s and literally fall asleep.

Some of us become lions and wage a full on attack.

Some of us become road runners and get the heck outta dodge.

Many of us have all of these little critters living inside of us and have seen of those glorious protectors come out and various times in the last week.

The commitment to understanding the neurobiology of being human…the understanding that there is no such thing as maladaptive; that regulated, connected people who feel safe behave well; that connection is a biological imperative;

The commitment to the neurobiology of being human is more important than ever. 

Because the by-product of understanding the neurobiology of being human is compassion.

It’s easy for me to move into a place of panic.  I’m as human as everyone else.  But when I allow myself to move back into my beliefs about what it means to be human, I notice a swell of compassion and then I notice a swell of rest.

We need as many moments of rest in our nervous system as absolutely possible. 

Understanding the neurobiology of being human is as much for our own good as it is for the good of everyone else.

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S  is a blogger, teacher, trainer, and consultant for therapists and professionals working with children with a history of complex trauma.  

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No Behavior is Maladaptive {EP 3}


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Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

There is no such thing as maladaptive.

No. Behavior. Is. Maladaptive.

Said another way- all behavior makes sense.  

Sure, there are LOTS of behaviors that have pretty big negative consequences…for ourselves and others.

But the way the human mind is so brilliantly working all the time leaves me with an unwillingness to negotiate the truth that all behavior is adaptive.

11 Million Bits of Data

In every moment, our bodies, brains, minds, and nervous system is taking in 11 million bits of information.  11 million!!!  Obviously, the very vast majority of this information is being taken in and processed without any awareness or conscious attention, right?  Imagine driving for a moment.  How much information is your brain constantly processing that’s allowing you to get safely down the road?  More than we could even speak to.  And thank goodness it’s done unconsciously or really…we wouldn’t be able to drive.

So our brilliant brains are taking in 11 million bits of information every moment but only somewhere between 12 and 50 bits of information are we able to CONSCIOUSLY pay attention to!!! (Process explicitly).  The very very very vast majority of information coming into our senses is processed completely outside our awareness.

Neuroception- Knowing without Knowing

Then there’s amazing phenomenon called ‘neuroception.’  Neuroception is the idea that we are processing these 11 million bits of data unconsciously in every moment…and part of what we are doing with that data is determining if we are safe…or not.  It knows this without us even KNOWING it knows this.

In fact, our brains are doing this constantly.  At least four times every second.

It’s almost impossible to wrap our heads around ¼ of a second OR 11 million bits of data.

The brain is astounding.

Bringing Together Then & Now

Then our amazing brains blends the information that it is processing RIGHT EXACTLY NOW with all the information it has store in our memory networks.  Which is…A LOT of information.  Those two streams of information (then and now) merge together like two rivers merging together to create our conscious experience of NOW.  But see…it’s not only based on NOW info.

Our brains are beautifully anticipatory machines…designed to guess what’s about to happen and how we should respond.  And yup…it makes that guess based on those two streams flowering together…then and now.

And our brain is absolutely 100% only interested in what is best for us.  Period.  End of story.

If we are safe, what is best for us is relational connection.  Because we are human and that’s just how it goes.

If we are NOT safe, what is best for us is protection from danger.

BUT REMEMBER!!!  We aren’t making the decision of safe or not safe based only on objective information that is happening right now.  There is a lot of ‘past’ that is influencing that decision.

This is true for all humans.  The past is always invading the present.  Thank goodness or I would have no idea how to even use the machine with buttons with letters to write this all out- let alone use it with any speed and efficiency that allows a little bit of ease in my life.

Integrated memories allow the past to flow gently into the present so I can ‘do something’ (behave) in a way that works, makes sense, and continues to meet my goals (staying alive, staying in relationship, etc. etc.).

The dam of the past

Memories that aren’t integrated…often due to emotional overwhelm at the time of the experience….don’t flow gently into the stream of now.  They crash into the stream like a dam has been released, overflowing and overtaking…now our past becomes the majority of our now.

This obviously impacts the way our brain determines if I’m safe or not.  If my river is flooded with past unsafe, and that is a huge part of what is creating my experience of now, my behaviors are based on the past…on being unsafe.

We are ALWAYS trying to be safe.  We are ALWAYS trying to find our way back to connection.  ALWAYS.

But if my experience of NOW is overly impacted by my experience of THEN, it’s highly likely I’m going to behave in ways that don’t really reflect OTHER’S experience of NOW.

This will make it LOOK like I’m behaving bad, inappropriate or unsafe.  Even controlling or manipulative.  Overreacting.  Histrionic.  UNDERreacting.  This may be easy to label self-sabotage.  In extreme circumstances we start to label these behaviors as personality or character deficits.

The behavior CERTAINLY LOOKS MALADAPTIVE.

But the brain just doesn’t work that way.  The brain doesn’t do maladaptive.  The brain takes then and now, mashes it together, and then does something next based solely on what it believes is best given how the then and now flow together.

Why is it helpful to consider that no behavior is maladaptive??

Well it certainly isn’t so we take pity on the person behaving badly and loosen our boundaries, allowing them to just keep behaving badly.  That just increases our resentment and does nothing to help their brain more accurately bring together the then and now.

It’s helpful to consider that no behavior is maladaptive because it changes how we look at that person.

It brings us to a place of compassion and understanding.  We depersonalize their behavior.  We don’t making sweeping character judgments.

Every single one of us comes to know who we are by the mirror that is reflected to us through the eyes of the other.

So what would happen if people behaving badly had strong boundaries set with loving eyes.  With eyes that communicated that they were doing the best they can.  With eyes that expressed compassion at how the past is a tsunami on their now.

Sweet ones…this isn’t even about trauma.  This is about HUMANS.  We are ALL always behaving in ways that we believe are best in the moment based on how our past and our now come together.

Oh yeah another reason it’s helpful??

When we understand that this is about how the brain is working, we can consider ways to help the brain work better.  To slow the tsunami.  To close up the dam.  To help the rivers of then and now meet gently, connecting in harmony to create something that has never been created before.

And while there are lots of ways to support this gentle connection of then and now, you know what the BEST way is???

Compassion.

No, really.

Compassion is the energy that is needed to slow the tsunami.

And eventually when a struggling person receives enough compassion (WITH BOUNDARIES) they begin to develop self-compassion.

And self-compassion is EXACTLY the energy that is needed to bring the then and the now together more slowly…allowing the then to inform the now but without knocking it on it’s keister and destroying everything in it’s path.

Rapidly flowing water has the power to destroy everything in it’s past.  But all it’s try to do is be water.

We become what we see reflected back to us.

See behaviors as what they are…the result of two rivers coming together in the best way the person knows how.

The compassion will help the river slow down…

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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All Of You…Come…

What if I told you all of you was welcome?  I wanted to see…and know…every single part of you.

The parts you love yourself.  The parts you are proud of.  The parts that bring you delight.

But especially the parts you try to hide away.

The parts you believe are bad.

The parts you believe maybe even hurt other people.

The part of you that believes that the parts that should be hidden away are your true self.

What if I said please come?  Bring all of you?

And what if I just waited.

You don’t have to come.  But when you do, I’ll be here.

I’ll welcome all of you.

I will say thank you to all your parts.  Thank you for your hard hard work.  Thank you for doing what you thought was needed to stay safe.  Thank you for doing exactly what you believed was needed.

Thank you.

If all your parts want to stay, they are welcome to stay.

If any of your parts are ready for a break…and are willing to let your true self step forward and risk being loved for exactly all your perfectly imperfectness….then I will rock your tired parts, whisper my gratitude, admire their bravery, and invite them to rest.

What if I told you all of you is welcome? And what if you believed it?

Robyn

Can you imagine being surrounded by not only hundreds of people who believe this but all are parents of children impacted by trauma?  Parents who get it in a way you could never describe?

Well, that’s exactly why I created The Club.  We are waiting for you!

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Regulated Connected Kids who Feel Safe Behave Well

No, really, they do. (We MAY have to adjust our definition of ‘behave well’ because we often have very inappropriate expectations for behaviors…but anyway….)

Let’s break this down.

Regulation.

Without going into the theory of regulation and all the nitty gritty that makes me confident to make such a strong statement (that would take longer than a blog post), regulation is about keeping the accelerator and the brakes of arousal in balance (Dan Siegel, Parenting from the Inside Out).

When we are regulated, we are mindful of ourselves and others.  Our brain is engaged at the level that is expected given our development (meaning, the regulation and engagement of higher level thinking of a three-year-old is quite different than a 16-year-old).  We can see multiple options, don’t feel rigid or controlling.  IPNB might say we are Flexible, Adaptive, Coherent, Energetic, and Stable.  We are connected to ourselves and to others.  We are NOT in a state of neuroceiving danger- we are experiencing safety and connection from the environment, from the people we are with, and from ourselves.

Dysregulation doesn’t HAVE to look out of control.  It could – but dysregulation exists on a continuum and could look, on the outside, quite calm.

Connected.

As human beings we are absolutely positively designed and created to be in connection with others.

Our mind, brain, and body develops inside the context of relationship.  The vental vagus nerve…the nerve that eventually allows for what many people refer to as self-regulation, the part of the autonomic nervous system that allows us to rest into connection and social engagement…is literally myelinated (it develops, works better, faster, etc.) INSIDE the co-regulated relationship.

Social Baseline Theory tells us that connection is our BASELINE.  When conditions are right, our baseline, our default, is to seek and be available for connection.

Felt Safety.

WAAAAAY below conscious awareness our brain is determining our level of safety.  This is subjective because below conscious awareness means without cognitive thought.

Neuroception is the term used to describe this process- and Deb Dana eloquently states that our unconscious system is searching “inside, outside, and inbetween” to determine if we are safe.

Inside means we scan the felt-safety of our internal system.

Outside means we scan for cues of safety in the environment.

Inbetween means we scan for cues of safety in the relationship and the person we are with.

If we are safe, our system is open and available for connection.  Remember- connection is our baseline.

If we are not safe (again, this is subjective) our brain switches into a defensive stance- fight/flight/freeze/collapse is initiated (mild to severe…it could just be an on-alert orienting or it could be full blown aggression or dissociation).

Defensive strategies prioritize protection NOT connection (though we are looking for ways to find connection, still, because connection is often brings about safety).

It’s normal to feel frustrated with a child’s defensive behaviors because “NOTHING IS UNSAFE!!!” But we have to remember this is subjective.  Maybe nothing is unsafe to you- but clearly, something is unsafe to the child.  Even if we don’t know what it is.  Even if THEY don’t know what it is.

An important cue of safety is that the person I am with is regulated- THEY are not in fight/flight/freeze/collapse.  THAT person is neuroceiving safety.

If the person I’m with is neuroceiving danger, in a defensive state, or even in the most mild state of fight/flight/freeze/collapse, the child is unable to get a cue of safety from that person and they lose felt safety.

This is tricky because when children are acting ‘badly’, we as adult often flip into a defensive state.  We get controlling, annoyed, irritated, angry, etc.  Now we have lost one important pathway toward helping the child come back into connection and regulation- our own felt-safety.

If a child is behaving in a way that is NOT inviting connection (aggressive, manipulative, under-achieving, back-talk, ignoring, lying, stealing, controlling, lazy….any of the words we use to describe behavior we don’t like) then that child’s nervous system is either NOT regulated, NOT connected to themselves or other, and /or NOT safe (one, two, or all three of these…sometimes it’s hard to isolate them).

Period.

When we are regulated, connected, and feeling safe we are designed to be in connection, in relationship, and our best selves.

Sometimes we have competing inner-parts- a part that feels safe and a part that doesn’t….or we have secondary experiences.

Meaning…sometimes connection can bring about regulation and felt-safety but then immediately becomes a cue of danger and causes a child to LOSE regulation and felt-safety because of their previous experiences in an unsafe attachment relationship.

But that’s an article for another day :)

Regulated, Connected Kids who Feel Safe Behave well is true about all kids, all humans.  It has nothing to do with trauma. Kid with a trauma history have more vulnerabilities to neuroceiving a lack of safety.  Their systems are developmentally delayed with regulation (because regulation is cultivating in secure attachment) and their experiences with connection have been frightening or dangerous.

But the idea that regulated connected people who feel safe behave well is universally true of all humans.  Beyond Trauma Informed, we are moving into an era of understanding the Neurobiology of Being a Relational Human.

Robyn

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X-Ray Vision Parenting

Behavior is simply the externalization of internal experience.

What we SEE on the outside is only a clue to what is happening on the inside.

Facial expressions. Hand gestures. Big and small.

HUGE behavior like tantrums, throwing, biting.

EVERYTHING we DO is simply an externalization of what’s happening internally.

With this in mind…do we really want to spend the majority of our energy changing the EXPRESSION of internal experience???

Or do we want to help change the internal experience so the behavior naturally changes?

To be honest, there is a time and a place to focus only on the behavior. This has to do with where you are, who is in charge, how old the child is, how dangerous the behavior is, and how capable the child is to use thinking-based coping skills to stop the behavior that just isn’t working for the situation.

But even in the times when that is true, do we REALLY want to just stop there?? Is it enough to stop the behavior in the moment? Or do we want to keep using our x-ray vision goggles, see through the behavior to whatever is happening internally, and try to change that too???

Regulated, connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do) behave well. This is the entire premise of my work with children and families. It’s the entire premise of my belief about humanity- those who have experienced toxic stress AND those who haven’t (and really….most of us have. Research shows that between 45 and 67% of the population has experienced at least ONE Adverse Childhood Experience).

I’m often asked…”OK, I understand the brain and the impact of toxic stress, but I still don’t know what to DO! Please tell me!!”

In a way, I get why that’s the next question. NO ONE comes into parenting knowing what to do with some of the confusing, baffling, and bizarre behaviors that we sometimes see in children impacted by toxic stress and developmental trauma.

But I still invite you to marinate on what you’ve learned about the impact of toxic stress. How it’s impacted your child’s sense of felt safety, regulation, and ability to connect. What you consider those things, often times the ‘What do I do!!!” becomes more clear.

What is hard is that when WE get dysregulated, we want a quick fix. We want something that will STOP an undesired behavior in it’s tracks.

I get it. It’s just that it rarely works that way. Quick fixes that stop behaviors in the moment usually involve fear and power. Again…this might be necessary depending on the severity and danger of the behavior…but this is not a long term solution.

Building connection, regulation, and felt-safety takes a lot of time. A lot of investment OUTSIDE moments of dysregulation.

Stopping bad behavior in the moment of dysregulation is actually the LEASDT important part of the journey.

But I do understand why it feels like the MOST important part.

Put on your x-ray vision goggles. See THROUGH the behavior and be curious about your child’s internal experience.

Increase connection. Increase regulation. Increase felt-safety.

Assume that Regulated, Connected Kids (people!!!) who feel safe (and know what to do!) behave well.

And see what shifts for you…and how you may intuitively know what to do!!!…when you truly embrace that belief.

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If you’re inspired by this approach to parenting- and this approach to YOURSELF- you will love my new self-paced online course, Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain.

Robyn

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Being Not Doing- The fertile ground of therapy

Therapists and helpers are so committed to their craft and their clients.  Our hearts to help and heal are enormous, and we’d do anything to help a client experience their true self the same we that WE experience them- as precious, loveable, and exactly who they are supposed to be.

There is nothing wrong with you!!!!

We are so committed to this that we can become preoccupied with learning the next new technique or protocol.  These tools offer so much hope.  And we want to help our clients feel better as fast as possible!  Our job is to work ourselves OUT of a job…as quickly as we can!!!

But the thing is…therapy usually isn’t very fast. 

How could it be fast when the hurting has lasted for years?  Maybe a lifetime.  And the double whammy is that the faster we try to do therapy, the more we rely on a technique or a protocol at the expense of attunement and relational resonance, the slower therapy will go.  Like so many things, it’s the ultimate paradox.  The thing we think will speed it up is actually slowing us down.  If we decide to be OK with the slow pace, it will actually go faster ;)

May 2020 be the year we focus on the ‘being’ in therapy and not the ‘doing’ in therapy. I’ve been lulled into thinking I needed to learn the latest and hottest technique, too. It built my confidence and helped me stay regulated in session when the “what on earth do I do now” moments came up. But I have been watching with growing curiosity at the field of psychotherapy as more and more ‘techniques’ and ‘protocols’ come out. Sliding into a left-brained technique and following a strict protocol will break the resonance…and the resonance is needed for integration to occur.

I’ve benefited from techniques, to be sure. EMDR. SE. Theraplay. I’ve benefited as a therapist and a client and absolutely weave these modalities into my treatment approach!!  So I’m not saying at all that there is no place for techniques!!  But a technique or protocol is such a teeny tiny part of the therapeutic experience and can only be successfully implemented inside a relationship full of felt-safety and attunement.

It literally isn’t possible to strictly follow a protocol and stayed attuned.

Use the ‘bones’ of the protocol and stay fiercely attuned to and connected with your client. Focus on widening your own window of tolerance- especially for uncertainty and ambiguity- and be deeply committed to looking at your own implicit vulnerabilities- WE ALL HAVE THEM.

Find your people.  Don’t do therapy without colleagues who speak your language, share your theoretical orientation, and understand the intensity of the work we do.  Find a mentor.  Always be in consultation.  Don’t do this alone.  It is inside relationship where WE can grow our capacity to hold our client’s stories.

Practice being with.  A lot.  It’s good for you :)

Robyn

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