Parenting with co-regulating and seeing below our kids behaviors is actually a privilege we rarely talk about. It’s always a privilege, but especially when we consider different marginalized and oppressed identities that a lot of kids- and those of you listening- intersectionally hold. 

In this episode, you’ll learn

  • The definition of privilege (it is NOT a criticism)
  • The privilege of safety for folks with histories of trauma
  • The privilege of safety for folks with other marginalized and oppressed identities
  • How this relates to parenting 

Resources mentioned in this podcast:

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

Author of National Best Selling Book (including audiobook) Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies that Really Work

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    Kids with vulnerable nervous systems often say BIG, hurtful, and scary words. They say things like “I hate you!” or “You hate me!” They sometimes threaten to hurt themselves- or you! Verbal aggression almost always pulls us right onto the watchdog pathway ourselves- which is understandable. Let’s talk about how you might respond if you’re able to hang onto your owl brain.

    In this episode, you’ll learn

    • To stay focused on the level of activation, not the words being said
    • What to say (if anything) back to statements like “I hate you,” “I wish you’d never adopted me,” or “I’m going to hurt you.” 
    • How to start listening for what’s really being expressed

    Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

    • Resources mentioned in the podcast go here

    Listen on the Podcast

    This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

    Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

    Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

    Robyn

    Author of National Best Selling Book (including audiobook) Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies that Really Work

    Join the Newsletter

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      Have you ever felt confused by your child’s silly behavior? It seems like they are having fun, but it doesn’t feel good at all?

      In this episode, you’ll learn

      • How to tell the difference between fun-silly and dysregulated-silly
      • What’s going on in the brain and nervous system for a child who is dysregulated-silly
      • Practical ideas for how to support your child returning to regulation, connection, and felt safety

      Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

      Listen on the Podcast

      Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

      Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

      Robyn

      Author of National Best Selling Book (including audiobook) Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies that Really Work

       

      Join the Newsletter

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        Parenting ‘experts’ forget to tell you the most important thing.

        All this advice???

        You’ll never do it all the time or even most of the time.

        You don’t need to.

        That’s not the point.

        Together – me and you – let’s just aim for 1% better. 

        Professionals- this ones for you, too. 

        In this episode, you’ll learn

        • A parenting professionals #1 job is to trust their clients
        • Aim for 1% improvement. 5% ‘getting it right’ is better than 4%!
        • Professionals don’t need all the answers. They need to believe their clients and not give up

        Listen on the Podcast

        This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

        Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

        Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

        Robyn

        Author of National Best Selling Book (including audiobook) Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies that Really Work

        Join the Newsletter

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          Sometimes it’s those lower-level, chronic behaviors- like rudeness and sassiness- that can really deplete the very limited reserves we have saved up in our own window of stress tolerance. Then we waffle between over-responding (big reaction, tiny problem) or under-responding (ignoring dysregulation which ultimately leads to increased dysregulation). 

          Kids in chronic protection mode often seem rude, sassy, and mildly oppositional. What do we do when it feels like every word out of our own mouths would be to correct our kid’s tone or disrespect?

          In this episode, you’ll learn

          • Where sassy, rude, and disrespectful language usually falls on the watchdog continuum
          • Possibilities about what really be underneath your child’s rude behavior
          • Times when it makes sense for our kids to have a what’s up watchdog brain response that we should respect, not try to change

          Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

          Listen on the Podcast

          This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

          Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

          Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

          Robyn

          Author of National Best Selling Book (including audiobook) Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies that Really Work

          Join the Newsletter

          Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

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            If you’ve ever wanted to eavesdrop on a conversation between two attachment, trauma, and neuro-nerds, today is your chance.

            Robyn and her dear friend and colleague, Jessica Sinarski, got together a few weeks ago for a live webinar to chat about how they have turned attachment science into practice.

            If you missed that webinar, here’s your chance to listen in.

            In this episode, you’ll learn
            Why most therapy trainings are inadequate for working with children with trauma and attachment histories
            How Robyn & Jessica learned how to put attachment science into practice
            What to do if your clients what a behavioral approach
            Why we don’t have to have all (or even most) of the answers
            Resources Mentioned on the Podcast
            Moving Beyond Trauma Informed with Jessica Sinarski
            Being With with Robyn Gobbel
            There might be more, I’m not sure

            Listen on the Podcast
            This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

            Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

            Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

            Robyn
            Author of National Best Selling Book (including audiobook) Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies that Really Work

            Join the Newsletter

            Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

            I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

            Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

              We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

              Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

              Cues of safety, danger, or life threat come from three places- inside, outside, and between.

              In part 3 of this series on felt safety, we are exploring felt safety from between- from relationship!

              In this episode, you’ll learn

              • How availability of connection is a cue of safety or danger
              • How neuroception can tell the state of the other person’s nervous system (connection or protection?)
              • Why nervous systems are contagious
              • How ‘between’ cues of safety eventually become ‘inside’ cues of safety
              • How you can increase your own experience of safety even when you are parenting children in stuck in chronic procession mode

              Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

              Listen on the Podcast

              This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

              Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

              Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

              Robyn

              Download the Free Infographic


              Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

              What is Felt Safety

              Felt safety is the subjective experience of safety that is determined from scanning for cues of safety or danger from the person’s internal world (inside), their environment (outside, and the relationship (between).

              ***Note: The language inside, outside, between is based on the work of psychotherapist and polyvagal expert, Deb Dana, LCSW***

              Felt Safety Misconceptions

              There are some common misconceptions about felt safety that may unintentionally leave parents feeling blamed and shamed. These misconceptions may also leave us minimizing someone else’s experience or pursuing the wrong interventions.

              Felt safety is NOT

              • Only about relational safety
              • Only about physical safety
              • Always related to what’s happening in the environment
              • Always easy to identify (why the person is feeling safe- or not)

              The Science of Felt Safety

              I explore in depth the science of felt safety, including how we all are always creating our own reality, in a previous podcast episode titled Connection or Protection, which you can find HERE.

              You can always pick up a copy of Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors to explore the science of felt safety in depth.

              Cues of Safety from the Outside

              In part 2 of this series on felt safety, we are going to explore the types of things that might be happening in a person’s internal world that could be impacting their experience of felt safety (or not).

              • The environment
                • Obviously, objectively unsafe environments are experienced as cues of danger
                • Environmental cues that are danger memory triggers
                  • If I was in a car accident with a red car, I might experience red cars as ‘cues of danger’
              • The sensory world
                • The five external senses are sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste
                • Sometimes there are sensory experiences that are danger memory triggers
                  • For example, in the red car example above, the red car is something you see
                • Sensory experiences can also be ‘unsafe’ if they are too much or too little based in the individual’s sensory threshold
              • Structure & Predictability
                • The brain is concerned with what’s going to happen next, almost above all else
                • Lack of structure or predictability could be considered a cue of danger
              • Environmental demands
                • Ironically, for some folks, too much structure could be interpreted as a demand and be a cue of danger

              Varies in Every Individual

              If you haven’t revisited the podcast Connection or Protection recently, or read Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors, it’s worth reviewing how we are all always creating our own reality based on what’s objectively happening in the here and now and everything that has happened in the past.

              Since none of us have identical pasts, none of us have the same ‘cues of safety’ or ‘cues of danger.’

              It is so easy to project our own experience of safety onto others! This is normal and very human.

              The science of safety invites us to keep a curious stance when considering the felt safety of our kids (and other folks we are in relationship with, including ourselves).

              What Do We Do With This Information?

              I realize I haven’t given you any tools in this podcast series. If you’ve read Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors you know that I consider understanding the neurobiological processes to be a tool. This information makes it possible for us to reinterpret our children’s behaviors, and changing how we see people changes people.

              Understanding the neurobiology also invites our own owl brains to stick around a bit longer, which then helps us brainstorm tools that might be appropriate for our unique child.

              I also think that understanding the neurobiology relieves parents of the burden of somehow attempting to control our children’s sense of safety, while also empowering us to see all the ways we can influence our children’s sense of safety.

              Actually, I have a podcast episode all about influence as opposed to control! You can find it by CLICKING HERE.

              Next Week!

              Next week, I will air part 2 of this three part series on felt safety, and we will take a deep dive into how the environment offers cues of safety or danger.

              Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

              Listen on the Podcast

              This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

              Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

              Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

              Robyn

              Download the Free Infographic


              Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

              Let’s go back to basics! Last week we talked about seeing behavior through the lens of the nervous system and then took a deep-dive into co-regulation.

              This week begins a three-part deep-dive into the foundational concept of felt safety.

              What is felt safety, what isn’t felt safety, and why it matters!

              Next we will explore the many different ways we are all neuroceiving safety (or not) from our inner world.

              In this episode, you’ll learn

              • Misconceptions about felt safety
              • Internal cues of felt safety, such as hunger, illness, or being in chronic protection mode
              • What we do with this information

              Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

              Listen on the Podcast

              This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

              Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

              Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

              Robyn

              Download the Free Infographic


              Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

              Does your child yell, scream, or otherwise refuse to talk about their owl, watchdog, or possum brain?

              Do they tell you it’s stupid or yell at you to stop talking or get extra silly or just don’t talk at all?

              I hear this from a LOT of parents (and I experienced it a lot in the play therapy room).

              This isn’t because you are doing it work.

              Or because your child is controlling or delights in arguing and being uncooperative.

              It also doesn’t mean that the metaphor doesn’t work for your child. Promise.

              Listen on the Podcast!

              Why?

              There’s really just one main reason.

              People refuse to do things because they don’t like how it feels. Not only does it feel bad, it feels TOO bad.

              Why does talking about the Owl, Watchdog, and Possum Brain Feel Bad?

              Self-reflection is an owl brain skill. It’s possible that your child simply doesn’t have that skill yet. Being asked to do something that’s impossible feels bad. 

              Frustration tolerance is an owl brain skill. Is your child’s owl brain strong enough to tolerate doing something hard?

              Thinking has Feelings and Sensations

              The way our minds, memory, and neural networks work, asking kids to think about or talk about their watchdog or possum brain is going to bring watchdog and possum feelings and sensations into their body.

              For many kids, it’s simply too much. They cannot tolerate those feelings and the associated shame.

              Too Disconnected from Self

              The owl brain, which is needed to be self-reflective and to think about or talk about their owl, watchdog, and possum brain, is synonymous with being connected to ourselves. Most of the kids I work with have developed very sophisticated protective responses to avoid being connected to themselves; it simply feels too bad.

              Are you Trying to Change Me??

              No one likes to feel like someone is trying to change them! And our kids have an extra fine-tuned spidey-sense that you wish they were different.

              This is a tough one because we ARE trying to change them. 

              The energetic space of “I accept you completely as you are and am also inviting the potential for change” is a tricky space to embody and requires a lot of practice.

              Us grown-ups really have to be clear that it’s less about wanting them to change about more about wanting them to feel better.

              Scaffold Self Reflection

              I don’t have an agenda that your kids talk about their owl, watchdog, and possum brain. However, having a mind that is integrated enough for self-reflection is going to also improve your child’s regulation and decrease their sensitized stress response system.

              You might need to try a different metaphor, which isn’t too hard if you have a basic understanding of the nervous system. 

              Beyond that, there are steps you can take to help scaffold your child’s development of self-reflection.

              1. Talk about your owl, watchdog, and possum brain
              2. Talk about other people’s owl, watchdog, and possum brain
              3. Talk about fictional characters in books and other media
              4. Resist the urge to turn conversations into an invitation for them to talk about THEIR owl, watchdog, or possum brain- or even to participate in any way. 

              Have these conversations casually, quickly, without judgment (even good judgment) or elaboration.

              For more concrete tips and strategies, listen to the podcast or read the transcript below. 

              Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

              Listen on the Podcast

              This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

              Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

              Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

              Robyn

              Join the Newsletter

              Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

              I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

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