Felt Safety (Inside) – Part 1 {EP 161}


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Let’s go back to basics! Last week we talked about seeing behavior through the lens of the nervous system and then took a deep-dive into co-regulation.

This week begins a three-part deep-dive into the foundational concept of felt safety.

What is felt safety, what isn’t felt safety, and why it matters!

Next we will explore the many different ways we are all neuroceiving safety (or not) from our inner world.

In this episode, you’ll learn

  • Misconceptions about felt safety
  • Internal cues of felt safety, such as hunger, illness, or being in chronic protection mode
  • What we do with this information

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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My Child Won’t Talk About Their Watchdog And Possum Brain {EP 160}


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Does your child yell, scream, or otherwise refuse to talk about their owl, watchdog, or possum brain?

Do they tell you it’s stupid or yell at you to stop talking or get extra silly or just don’t talk at all?

I hear this from a LOT of parents (and I experienced it a lot in the play therapy room).

This isn’t because you are doing it work.

Or because your child is controlling or delights in arguing and being uncooperative.

It also doesn’t mean that the metaphor doesn’t work for your child. Promise.

Listen on the Podcast!

Why?

There’s really just one main reason.

People refuse to do things because they don’t like how it feels. Not only does it feel bad, it feels TOO bad.

Why does talking about the Owl, Watchdog, and Possum Brain Feel Bad?

Self-reflection is an owl brain skill. It’s possible that your child simply doesn’t have that skill yet. Being asked to do something that’s impossible feels bad. 

Frustration tolerance is an owl brain skill. Is your child’s owl brain strong enough to tolerate doing something hard?

Thinking has Feelings and Sensations

The way our minds, memory, and neural networks work, asking kids to think about or talk about their watchdog or possum brain is going to bring watchdog and possum feelings and sensations into their body.

For many kids, it’s simply too much. They cannot tolerate those feelings and the associated shame.

Too Disconnected from Self

The owl brain, which is needed to be self-reflective and to think about or talk about their owl, watchdog, and possum brain, is synonymous with being connected to ourselves. Most of the kids I work with have developed very sophisticated protective responses to avoid being connected to themselves; it simply feels too bad.

Are you Trying to Change Me??

No one likes to feel like someone is trying to change them! And our kids have an extra fine-tuned spidey-sense that you wish they were different.

This is a tough one because we ARE trying to change them. 

The energetic space of “I accept you completely as you are and am also inviting the potential for change” is a tricky space to embody and requires a lot of practice.

Us grown-ups really have to be clear that it’s less about wanting them to change about more about wanting them to feel better.

Scaffold Self Reflection

I don’t have an agenda that your kids talk about their owl, watchdog, and possum brain. However, having a mind that is integrated enough for self-reflection is going to also improve your child’s regulation and decrease their sensitized stress response system.

You might need to try a different metaphor, which isn’t too hard if you have a basic understanding of the nervous system. 

Beyond that, there are steps you can take to help scaffold your child’s development of self-reflection.

  1. Talk about your owl, watchdog, and possum brain
  2. Talk about other people’s owl, watchdog, and possum brain
  3. Talk about fictional characters in books and other media
  4. Resist the urge to turn conversations into an invitation for them to talk about THEIR owl, watchdog, or possum brain- or even to participate in any way. 

Have these conversations casually, quickly, without judgment (even good judgment) or elaboration.

For more concrete tips and strategies, listen to the podcast or read the transcript below. 

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Titrating Connection- Oppositional Series Part 4 {EP 159}


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In this series on opposition we’ve talked about how opposition comes from the protection side of the nervous system, so the antidote is to invite the child into safety and connection.

But what about when connection hasn’t been safe? And it’s not regulating or soothing?

Titrating Connection 

Think of connection as a demand, and then lower the demand.

For our kids, receiving connection might be a demand (stress). Or giving connection might be a demand (stress). If we want to increase their capacity for stress tolerance when it comes to connection, we have to lower the stress first, then strengthen the stress response system second. 

Ways to Decrease Connection without Disengaging

Adjust your physical connection:

  • Side-by-side instead of across from each other
  • Increase the distance in your physical proximity
  • Decrease physical touch
  • Decrease eye contact

Have a goal besides just connecting:

  • Work on a project together that has a specific goal or outcome
  • Run an errand together with a specific goal or outcome
  • Choose activities that have a beginning, middle, and end

Support the Window of Tolerance with Sensory Supports

  • Play with lycra
  • Engage in gross motor activities together
  • Temporary tattoos
  • Play with water beads
  • Do hair, make-up, lotion, nails
  • Do crafts or cooking together- something with a sensory component that is pleasant

Pair Connection with Play and Delight

In typical baby and child development, experiences of connection feel good. With older child, it’s OK to deliberately ‘sweeten the deal’ of connection by adding in experiences that a fun, delightful, and playful. Think of it a bit like ‘sweetening the deal.’ Pair your offerings of connection with something you KNOW they really like.

Radical Acceptance

This is a hard and lonely road. You may be at a place in your relationship with your child that the most important thing for you to focus on is radical acceptance. This can help you shift your thoughts and expectations for the relationship with becoming bitter and resentment. Look for ways to stay compassionate to the truth that your child is missing out on the best part of being human- connection. With older children, you may have to grieve that your connection and relationship with them wasn’t what you’d hoped for. Grieving may set you free from expectations and disappointment.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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When Connection Isn’t Safe- Oppositional Series Part 3 {EP 158}


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The nervous system plays a critical role in determining a child’s behavior. A child’s nervous system acts as a signal of safety or danger, with early discomfort distorting their perception of connection. It’s essential for parents to stay regulated, connected to their child’s behavior, and respond accordingly. However, regulation doesn’t always equate to calmness. Instead, it’s about being attuned and responsive to your child’s needs.

Being Honest And Authentic

Challenging times call for effective parenting strategies. This episode shares effective strategies for maintaining connection with children, even in the face of baffling behaviors. It’s important to be honest and authentic with our own feelings, as this can offer a cue of safety to ourselves and our children. Furthermore, it highlights the power of internalizing connections and co-regulation we get from others.

Authenticity Fosters Felt Safety

Authenticity in parenting is key to fostering safety and connection. Being candid about our struggles can serve as a cue of safety we need to offer ourselves and our children. Authenticity allows parents to acknowledge their own experiences of anger, grief, and loss when their offers of connection to their children are not reciprocated.

Balancing Connection

A harmonious parent-child relationship begins with understanding the science behind defiant behaviors, staying regulated, and maintaining an authentic connection with children. It’s about learning to balance connection and recognizing our own experiences of struggle. By doing so, parents can foster a sense of safety and connection in their children, even amid oppositional and defiant behaviors.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Oppositional And Defiant Behavior- Part 2 {EP 157}


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Parenting a child exhibiting oppositional behavior can feel like a constant power struggle. However, understanding the root cause of this behavior can help you shift from conflict to connection. In this episode, we dive deep into the complexities of oppositional behavior in children, aiming to shed light on the ‘why’ behind the behavior and provide practical strategies to guide parents and caregivers through these challenging dynamics.

Understanding The Behavior

Oppositional behavior in children often stems from a child’s protection mode, a state of mind that develops in response to perceived threats or dangers. The key to addressing this behavior is not to suppress it but to understand its origins and then work on shifting the child’s state from protection mode to connection mode. This shift requires patience, understanding, and a significant amount of self-compassion.

Connection Doesn’t Always Equal Safety

It’s crucial to note that parenting a child with attachment trauma adds an additional layer of complexity to connecting with them. Children with attachment trauma may not equate connection with safety or co-regulation, unlike kids without such a history. This adds a unique challenge to the task of inviting these children from protection mode into connection mode.

Safety And Connection Rather Than Power

An essential aspect of creating a safe environment for children is to address the power dynamics in the parent-child relationship. Adults need to cultivate an environment of safety and connection rather than relying on power over dynamics. This approach invites the child into cooperation and promotes an atmosphere of trust and respect.

Inner, Outer, And Between

A significant concept introduced in the episode is the idea of ‘felt safety.’ Based on decades of psychological and child development research, felt safety comes from three places – inside (the child’s inner world), outside (their environment), and between (the relationship).’

X-ray Vision To See The Cause

In addition to these strategies, we explore the power of X-ray vision in parenting. This concept encourages parents to look beneath their child’s behavior, to see the underlying issues and reasons for their actions. It involves a level of understanding and compassion that can profoundly impact the parent-child relationship, even when the parent feels stuck in protection mode.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Oppositional And Defiant Behavior- Part 1 {EP 156}


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Oppositional behavior is often viewed as a sign of defiance. However, the cause of these behaviors is a direct response to feeling unsafe. This allows us to approach oppositional behavior with compassion and reassurance rather than frustration and bewilderment.

The Past Shapes Our Perception Of The Present

Delving deeper into the complexities of the human nervous system, we shed light on how our past experiences, environment, and inner world shape our current perceptions and interpretations of situations. These elements play a significant role in determining our responses to stress and our general outlook on life.

Sometimes Connection Feels Unsafe

We also explored how connection, often viewed as supportive, can sometimes ignite triggers in children exhibiting oppositional behavior. This insight forces us to reassess our approach to dealing with such behaviors and encourages a more empathetic and understanding perspective.

Understanding The Diagnoses And Not Giving Up

In terms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, we examined the diagnostic complexities surrounding it. We emphasized the importance of reframing our understanding of the disorder, viewing it not as a defiance issue but as a response to feeling unsafe. The diagnosis is not the end of your journey, but the beginning. Continue to ask questions to further your knowledge and develop strategies.

Alter Behaviors By Increasing Safety

Ultimately, our exploration of oppositional behavior and the nervous system provides a fresh perspective on understanding and navigating this behavioral terrain. By increasing cues of safety, providing regulation supports, and enhancing connection and co-regulation, we can create an environment conducive to helping children with oppositional behaviors feel safer and more secure.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Match The Energy, NOT the Dysregulation {EP 155}


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In this latest podcast episode, we unpack an advanced parenting technique that promises to revolutionize your connection with your children. The technique, ‘Match the Energy, but not the Dysregulation,’ is rooted in insights from polyvagal theory and interpersonal neurobiology.

Be patient

This nuanced approach requires resilience and patience, but when applied consistently, it can offer an emotional mirror for your children and pave the way for improved connection. The process involves understanding the science of the autonomic nervous system, exploring the attachment cycle, and shedding light on the concept of resonance circuitry.

Matching The Energy

The technique is about matching your child’s energy without matching their dysregulation. It’s about responding to their emotional state with an equivalent level of energy, but without falling into the same state of dysregulation. This approach is crucial in the attachment cycle as it fosters a new way of connecting with your children, which can be a game-changer in your parenting journey.

Fight-Flight Vrs. Playful and Energetic

One of the key aspects of this technique involves understanding the autonomic nervous system. The autonomic nervous system, which regulates the body’s unconscious actions, has an accelerator and a brake. The individual’s perceived experience of being safe or not safe determines the difference between fight-flight and a playful energetic accelerator in the nervous system while feeling safe.

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Being Safe and Self-Regulated Is Important

However, the implementation of this technique can be challenging. When we match our children’s energy, we risk getting pulled into their dysregulation. We need to remember to stay safe and regulated ourselves. It is crucial to match the energy before moving into soothing, reinforcing its role in the attachment cycle.

It’s Not Just About Behavior

Remember, the goal of this advanced parenting technique is not to change behavior, but to increase regulation, connection, and felt safety. This approach, while seemingly counterintuitive, is a much more efficient pathway to shifting out of dysregulation and into a state of connection and safety.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Marshall Lyles & Robyn Gobbel Talk About Writing Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors {EP 153}


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In this episode of the Baffling Behavior Show, Marshall Lyles asks questions and guides us through some of Robyn’s writing processes surrounding the book. What was the inspiration for partaking in the difficult journey of writing a book and what is the origin story behind the characters that readers will get to know and love as the journey through Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors?

Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast:

Some of the topics discussed in this episode:

  • What was it like creating and writing the book?
  • How hard was it to overcome the stress and expectations of working with parents?
  • How did Robyn meet the Owl, Watchdog, and Possum discussed throughout the book?
  • What might be the best way for a new reader to start their journey through the book?

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors released September 21. CLICK HERE to order now!

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Loving Your OWN Watchdog & Possum Brain {EP 151}


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Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors finally hits the bookshelves and your mailbox this week.

We’ve spent the last month talking about owls, watchdogs, and possums.

Today, as I move toward wrapping up this writing-and-publishing-a-book chapter in my life, let’s talk a little more about the neuroscience of owls, watchdogs, and possums, why the science matters, and how my work has surprisingly become more about helping the grown-ups love their own owl, watchdog, and possum brains.

Interpersonal Neurobiology

A core tenet of IPNB is that the human brain, mind, and relationships are all complex systems. Complex systems have a natural co-organizing capacity and are always moving toward integration. Integration, the linkage of differentiated parts, is a fundamental characteristic of mental wellness. 

Characteristics of an Integrated Middle Prefrontal Cortex

Dr. Siegel’s research on IPNB indicates that the characteristics of integration, including things like response flexibility, attuned communication, body regulation, empathy, and fear modulation, are also characteristics of secure attachment. 

Most of the parents I know with kids with baffling behaviors would agree that they’d love to increase their child’s characteristics of integration and secure attachment. Would your child’s behaviors be so baffling if your child had characteristics of regulation, attunement, and response flexibility? 

Integration and Our Observing Selves

The experiences of secure attachment contribute to the development of what researchers would call ‘the observing self.’ The part of ourselves that can observe and reflect upon ourselves- without judgment.

Our observing self both emerges from integration and prompts integration.

This observing self is one important characteristic of the owl brain. 

Polyvagal Theory and the Autonomic Nervous System

The ventral vagal complex in the parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system invites social connectedness. When we are feeling safe, our default mode is to move toward (and be available for) connection. Being in a ventral vagal state invites and reciprocates connection with others and ourselves. This social connectedness then strengthens our ventral vagal nerve.

The ventral vagus = owl brain.

Strong Owl Brains

To nurture our children’s hatching owl brains (their observing self and their ventral vagal brake) we need adults to have strong owl brains.

Strong owl brains allow the grown-ups to see children’s behavior for what it really is- a reflection of the state of their nervous system. 

At first, the only strategy is for the adult to stay in their owl brain, offering connection, co-regulation, and felt safety.

Slowly this presence begins to strengthen and organize the child’s owl brain (strengthens the ventral vagus, the observing self, and the stress response system).

Young, emerging owl brains LOVE metaphor and play. Playfully integrating the metaphor of owls, watchdogs, and possums into our children’s lives strengthens their owl brain.

Eventually, kids grow owl brains strong enough to be observing, non-judgmental, and compassionate- toward themselves!

Adults, too

Here’s the unexpected part. This whole experience of using our owl brains to help strengthen our child’s owl brain strengthens our owl brains, too. 

This will increase your capacity to stay connected to yourself in the face of your child’s dysregulation. Your way of being- not something you actually do- is what invites of moment of presence and integration within your child’s dysregulated nervous system.

You love your child’s watchdog and possum parts by loving your own.

Holding You in My Owl’s Wings

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors uses metaphor, story, and science to strengthen your owl brain (ventral vagal complex) and increase your window of stress tolerance. It is my hope that in reading this book, you will feel held by my owl brain.

Thankfully, I have owl wings wrapped around my watchdog and possum brain, too. You can read about those folks in my acknowledgments. 

I have so many owls who have knit themselves into my neurobiology and strengthened my own owl self so that I can offer compassionate gratitude and nonjudgmental presence to you and your child.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain Body Sensory Strategies that Really Work

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Why You Can Know What to Do and Still Not Do It?! {EP 150}


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You’ve probably wondered how you can know the neuroscience of behavior and have a toolbox full of tools…and still struggle to actually USE those tools.

Most parents have the thought, “If I know what to do, why aren’t I actually doing it???”

It’s not because you’re a bad parent.

It’s because you’re dysregulated, have a sensitized stress response system, and probably have some implicit memories that leave you vulnerable to being triggered.

Strengthening YOUR Owl Brain

The four most powerful and most accessible ways to strengthen your owl brain so your watchdog and possum brain take charge less often are:

  • Connection 
  • Play
  • Noticing the Good
  • Self Compassion

Choose the Easiest (Or Least Hard)

I know I know. None of those things sound like something you want to do when your nervous system is totally fried.

They sound exhausting. I get it.

Pick the one that is the least hard, and start there.

Remind yourself that sometimes hard things (like exercise or eating spinach) are worth it, even if you don’t want to do them.

Implicit Memory

One of my very favorite topics is memory science.

Weird, I know.

But- memory is everything. And it’s why you’re watchdog and possum brain are working over time.

Exploring unintegrated traumatic memory as well as implicit memory is important if you want to strengthen your owl brain.

I have two previous podcast episodes about memory, plus a free video series and an eBook about memory.

AND Chapter 10 of Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors helps you explore the impact of memory on your own nervous system.

If you want to dive even deeper into these concepts, consider joining us over in The Club. We have a video called ‘Trigger Hunting’ that helps you identify the memory triggers that might be contributing to your dysregulation. 

Neuroscience + Tools + Connection to Self

Supporting your child with baffling behaviors means understanding the neuroscience of behavior, and having a toolbox full of tools that address the real problem (regulation, connection, and felt safety), while also connecting to yourself and staying regulated in the face of chaos.

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors invites you to explore and connect the dots with all three. There is still time to pre-order by CLICKING HERE. 

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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