Making Sense of Baffling Behaviors {EP 136}


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The Impulsive Beginning

The Parenting after Trauma came to fruition almost on a whim. Inspired by the desire to connect with families, Robyn experimented with Facebook Live sessions but soon realized that repurposing the audios from those sessions into a podcast would be a more effective way to reach and help people. Thus, in the midst of personal challenges, she embarked on the journey of recording podcasts in a simple and accessible manner.

The Podcast’s Name and Branding

Robyn admits that she didn’t give much thought to the name of the podcast at first, naming it “Parenting After Trauma.” While the intention was to create a resource specifically for families impacted by trauma, the name occasionally caused confusion. As the podcast gained popularity and resonated with a broader audience facing different challenges, the need to reconsider the name and branding arose.

Most Families Need Help

Robyn acknowledges the growing number of families connecting with the podcast whose children may not have experienced trauma in the traditional sense. The common thread among listeners is the presence of nervous system vulnerabilities leading to baffling behaviors. Recognizing the importance of inclusivity, Robyn aims to provide support and resources to all families navigating these challenges, irrespective of the specific cause of their child’s behavior.

The Impact of the Podcast

Robyn expresses her astonishment at the profound impact the podcast has had on both herself and the listeners. Over two and a half years, the podcast has garnered hundreds of thousands of downloads from 159 countries. Countless families have shared how the podcast changed their lives, provided solace, and made them feel seen and understood. The unexpected depth of connection and the shared journey with listeners has been a truly humbling experience for Robyn.

Considering a Name Change

Robyn reveals that she has received requests from professionals and listeners to change the name of the podcast. Some individuals feel that the word “trauma” may deter certain families from listening, even if the content is relevant to their situation. While Robyn’s original commitment was to cater specifically to trauma-affected families, she now grapples with the dilemma of inclusivity and ensuring that all families with baffling behaviors can benefit from the podcast.

Nervous System Vulnerabilities

Robyn highlights how her personal experiences with neuro immune disorders, specifically PANS (Pediatric Acute Onset Neuropsychiatric Syndrome), have expanded her understanding of different causes of baffling behaviors. She emphasizes the importance of acknowledging all nervous system vulnerabilities, whether they stem from trauma or other conditions, and providing support without judgment.

Living in the Both

Robyn emphasizes her ability to embrace the complexity and nuances of different experiences. She aims to find a balance where parents of trauma-impacted children feel seen and supported while opening the podcast to a broader audience facing various challenges. By living in the “both,” she aims to ensure that no family feels excluded or judged for their child’s baffling behaviors.

Looking Ahead

As the podcast continues to evolve, Robyn plans to write a book about her own journey with baffling behaviors and self-compassion. This side project aims to extend understanding and compassion to individuals navigating their own challenges. Ultimately, Robyn’s mission remains clear: to support families, provide resources, and foster compassion for children and adults with baffling behaviors.

The Baffling Behavior Show has come a long way since its impulsive beginnings. Robyn’s dedication to exploring the complexities of human behavior and supporting families has created a platform that resonates with listeners worldwide. As the podcast evolves, it remains committed to inclusivity, understanding the root causes of baffling behaviors, and offering support to all families on their unique journeys.

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.
Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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You’re Not Doing It Wrong {EP 135}


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You aren’t Doing it Wrong

In recent discussions in The Club, a common question that arises is, “What am I doing wrong?” Many individuals find themselves examining their family challenges and questioning their own actions. It’s important to recognize that this question stems from a watchdog brain and a nervous system in protection mode. The assumption behind this question is that if we were doing things right, these challenges wouldn’t exist. However, it’s crucial to understand that this perspective is flawed and often driven by deeply embedded beliefs from our past experiences.

If We Could Only Just Get it Right

From a young age, many of us learned that things changed when we got them right. This belief led us to think that we had the power to make life easier, regulate others, and even ourselves if we could just get everything right. While we may now know that we don’t possess such control, moments of stress can trigger our old neural pathways, leading us back to this mindset. Stress narrows our window of tolerance and defaults our brains to use well-exercised neural pathways.

Widening the Window of Stress Tolerance

To create lasting change and healing, it’s important to widen our window of stress tolerance. By expanding this window, we have more choices in which neural pathways our brain will follow. Stress often reinforces the belief that getting things right will result in changes in others’ behavior. However, our brain takes in millions of pieces of data, and we can only influence a small portion of that for others.

We must recognize that our rightness or wrongness doesn’t determine someone else’s safety or behavior.

Embracing Uncertainty

While the watchdog brain seeks certainty through a binary understanding of right versus wrong, the owl brain is comfortable with uncertainty. It acknowledges that humans are complex systems constantly moving toward coherence and organization. When we observe baffling behaviors in ourselves, our children, or our partners, we can recognize that these behaviors do not align with coherence or organization. Embracing this complexity allows us to explore new possibilities and approaches.

Shifting the Question

Instead of asking, “What am I doing wrong?” we can step back and inquire if there are ways to offer more co-regulation, connection, and felt safety to our children. By cultivating curiosity and openness, we shift from demanding answers to embracing possibilities. This way of parenting doesn’t aim to prevent all dysregulation or baffling behaviors in our children. Instead, it acknowledges that change occurs when our regulation meets their dysregulation, leading to long-term shifts in the nervous system.

Offering Co-Regulation

When our children bring us their dysregulation, and we respond with regulation (not necessarily calmness), change begins to unfold in their neurobiology. Over time, our regulations become integrated within them, reducing their dysregulation. The goal is not immediate behavior change but rather sustainable shifts in the nervous system, which hold greater promise for long-term growth.

Embracing Curiosity and Compassion

It’s crucial to approach these questions without shame or blame. Instead, cultivate curiosity and self-compassion. When you catch yourself asking, “What am I doing wrong?” recognize it as a signal from your nervous system in protection mode. Understand that being in protection mode is challenging. By shifting the focus to how you can offer more co-regulation, you can navigate these challenges with compassion and curiosity, leading to meaningful growth and connection.

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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What if Trauma Informed…Isn’t? {EP 134}


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We cannot be trauma informed without changing our beliefs about human behavior. 

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • How staying focused on behavior is objectifying and dehumanizing
  • Why we cannot heal vulnerable nervous systems with objectifying approaches
  • How our culture sets parents up to believe good parents are in control of their kids behaviors
  • How to begin deconstructing these beliefs so we can stay in our owl brain

Resources Mentioned

Robyn’s book: https://robyngobbel.com/bafflingbook

Has Trauma Informed Become A Behavior Modification Technique? https://robyngobbel.com/traumainformed/

Influence Behaviors, Not Control https://robyngobbel.com/influencebehaviors/

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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School Refusal with Eliza Fricker {EP 133}


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Eliza Fricker is the author and illustrator of Sunday Times bestseller Can’t Not Won’t published by Jessica Kingsley in February 2023.

She is also author of The Family Experience of PDA. Her third book Thumbsucker will be published in December 2023.

As well as writing and illustrating her own books Eliza also co-authors with others, including Laura Kerbey’s book The Educators Experience of Pathological Demand Avoidance, The Square Pegs book and Nurturing Your Young Autistic Person by Cathy Wassell, and several upcoming books with Dr Naomi Fisher.

Missing the Mark began in early 2020 as an illustrated blog. Not only an artistic expression of difference in today’s society, Missing the Mark also aims to serve as a thought provoking and valuable contribution to the visibility, acceptance and support of families like Eliza’s. It acts as a way to communicate difficult circumstances with teachers, educators, social workers, other parents and friends of those also experiencing these issues, with the hope of providing a drop more humanity in the world.

Eliza Fricker continues to work with other professionals on illustration commissions for projects and publications. She is also a public speaker as well as offering advocacy to families.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • What is pathological demand avoidance, or PDA?
  • Schools valuing attendance above all is not helpful
  • You are a good parent even if your kid doesn’t go to school
  • All we have to do is be nice

Resources mentioned in this podcast:

How to Connect with Eliza Fricker:

Robyn

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Screentime & Mental Health with Debbie Steinberg Kuntz {EP 132}


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Debbie Steinberg Kuntz, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist and is the founder of Bright & Quirky. She specializes in helping bright kids and families with learning, social, emotional and behavioral challenges optimize their lives for thriving. Debbie has interviewed over 300 of the top psychologists and educators, and together with the Bright & Quirky team, has served over 100,000 parents in 150 countries through the Bright & Quirky Child Online Summit, the IdeaLab parent learning community and a variety of Bright & Quirky programs and services. Debbie lives near Seattle with her husband and two sons.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • Healthy use and overuse when it comes to screen time
  • Consuming screen time with mindful intentionality 
  • Helpful tips for transition time away from screens
  • Power with instead of power over and having collaborative conversations
  • What do we do now that the screens are turned off?

Screen Time & Mental Health Summit

The Bright & Quirky Screen Time & Mental Health Summit runs May 15 – 19.
CLICK HERE to register for FREE!

Resources mentioned in this podcast:

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

 

Robyn

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Knot Parenting {EP 131}


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I invited Carrie Contey, PhD. onto the podcast to discuss her ideas of Knot Parenting. Carrie and I talk about the power of really, truly seeing our kids for who they are- especially kids with vulnerable nervous systems whose behaviors sometimes distract us from their core preciousness and goodness.

Carrie Contey, Ph.D. is an internationally recognized coach, author, speaker and educator. Her work offers a new perspective on human development, parenting and family life. She guides, supports and inspires her clients to live with wide-open and courageous hearts so they can approach family life with skill and spaciousness. Carrie received her doctorate in prenatal and perinatal psychology and is masterful at synthesizing and articulating the science, psychology and spirituality of humanhood. She is the co-founder of the Slow Family Living movement, the co-author of CALMS: A Guide To Soothing Your Baby and creator of a variety of impactful courses intended to support and guide parents from toddlerhood all the way through teenhood. Carrie has appeared on NBC’s The Today Show, NPR, CBS radio and in many publications including Time, Parenting and The Boston Globe. Her latest endeavor is her Knot Parenting podcast, an 8-episode mini-series, available on a variety of podcast platforms. You can learn more about Carrie at www.carriecontey.com

A Broader Container: Developing Humans

Right away, Carrie shifts the perspective we’ve been taught about parenting – that our responsibility is to shape another human into their future selves – into one wherein we realize that our children are already born with their core beingness and that our role is to learn and grow along with them as they unfold.

She reminds us “There’s a whole essence of a being in that little tiny body. And that little tiny body is so vulnerable and so immature and is not wired yet. And so, they arrive in this little creature form, but they’re in there, and they’re always in there. And, yes, it’s easy to just see the behavior because it’s so triggering, and it can be so scary at times. But when you can remember that you’re not making them who they are, you’re just figuring out how you can grow yourself and stretch yourself to hold that this person is who they are. And yes, there’s plenty you can do to work with the behavior. But if you hold the mindset of A), I’m not making them who they are, they are who they are; and B) I have to be aware of my own self and my beingness if I really want to get there with them and be in attunement with them. It changes, and it doesn’t always make it easier, but it offers a broader container for the experience that you’re having, which can seem almost untenable at times.”

Knot Parenting

That’s the idea behind Knot Parenting. The knot, the tangle, is about using the experiences that you have with these humans to grow yourself. Our children can grow and stretch us and our capacity to love, and our capacity to hold intensity, and our capacity to regulate ourselves.

“You’ve cultivated skills in yourself, for better or for worse, but probably for a lot better, that you may not have ever tapped into: your resilience, your passion, your love, your care. You may have never excavated that aspect of yourself had this exact human not shown up in your life.”

Grief

There is grief in the fact that you may never have chosen this. You would never have asked for an experience that would be this hard. It does not feel like an honor that you are being stretched and grown in this way. 

You deserve to be seen in the profound humanity of how much is required of you, and especially in the truth that your nervous system is limited in the amount of energy it has to match the intensity of it. 

Dreaming the Systems of Care We Need

A culture that can shift into recognizing the revolutionary potential of parents who are facing this intensity would create systems that circle around these families, offering more energy in the sheer presence of more nervous systems to hold you and your child. Carrie invites us to dream this with her.

How to connect with Carrie Contey, PhD.

Website: https://www.carriecontey.com/
Podcast: https://www.carriecontey.com/podcast
Email: hello@carriecontey.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/carrieconteyphd
Instagram: @carrieconteyphd https://www.instagram.com/carrieconteyphd/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@carrieconteyphd
Freebies: https://www.carriecontey.com/resources

Ongoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The Club

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

 

Robyn

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More About Blocked Care- Friday Q&A {EP 130}


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Can you please talk more about blocked care?

This Friday Q&A is a follow up to Episode 123- Healing Blocked Care. 

  1. If connection is a biological imperative, how can I be experiencing blocked care?
  2. How does blocked care fit into the owl, watchdog, and possum approach to the nervous system?
  3. What are some more tips for parents experiencing blocked care?

This is a Friday Q&A episode, where I answer a listener’s question.

Mentioned Resources:

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Grief in Parenting Kids with Vulnerable Nervous Systems {EP 129}


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In this episode we tackle the difficult topic of grief. And while we’ve explored grief on the podcast before, it’s something we really can’t talk about enough because, in our culture, grief isn’t talked about enough — especially grief in parenting. Even more so in parenting kids with a history of trauma and toxic stress. 

When we don’t talk about something, when we don’t connect with it or give it relational resonance, we run the risk of it morphing into shame. So, we talk about hard stuff here. 

Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast

Where There is Trauma, There is Grief

A mentor once told me that trauma work is really grief work. 

Underneath all trauma is a need – a really righteous need – that wasn’t met.

And the tapestry of integrating trauma always brings us back to the precipice of the grief.

Facing a Pit of Grief

In my own work, I stood and looked at the pit of grief for a really long time, before I was willing to take any step toward it. My therapist assured me that when my system was ready – when it experienced enough safety – I would be able to face the grief. 

And even as I’ve been able to do the work of grieving, I still struggle to connect with grief – to know how to grieve. 

Unfortunately, no one can tell us how (trust me, I have asked for specific instructions), but I have some thoughts about how we can begin to explore grief on our own paths.

What We Learn about Grief When We are Young

We can start with exploring the cultural (both overt and covert) messages we’ve received about grief in our culture and in our families of origin, etc.

I ask parents these four questions:

  • How does your child know that feelings are ok?
  • How does your child know that it’s ok to have hard or uncomfortable feelings?
  • How does your child know that feeling grief is ok?
  • How does your child know that grief specific to adoption – or to the loss or the trauma that they’ve endured – is ok?

And then, I want you to take those four questions and ask them of yourself: 

  • How did I learn in my own family when I was small that feelings were okay? 
  • And that hard feelings are okay? 
  • And that feeling grief, specifically, is okay? 
  • Or that grief specific to a traumatic loss is okay? 

And now, in your adulthood, how do you show up for yourself in a way that tells you and all of your inner parts, especially your youngest and most vulnerable parts, that all feelings are okay? That hard feelings are okay? That grief is okay? And that grief related to a traumatic loss is okay? 

Can you acknowledge the grief that comes with parenting a child with trauma and toxic stress, a child with big, baffling behaviors and a vulnerable nervous system? 

Can you lean into the truth that although some families may experience what you’d consider to be harder or more worthy of grief, that doesn’t diminish your experience of hard or your righteous grief?

The Role of Self-Compassion

The courage to grieve comes with the courage for being with yourself with self compassion. 

How can you grieve everything you’ve lost, if you can’t have the compassion for yourself, to acknowledge those losses? 

Sometimes you’ll be consumed with grief, and sometimes you’ll be consumed with shame. And sometimes you’ll be able to flex your self-compassion muscle. And sometimes you’ll be able to hold in mindful awareness how exceptionally hard things are for you and your family and your child.

The Grief of Not Being Seen

In our media and in the larger community, families like yours do not get much, if any, representation. Those moments where you encounter parenting advice that doesn’t work for a child with a vulnerable nervous system, can bring up unexpected grief. 

It’s an experience of micro loss when parents of kids with vulnerable nervous systems don’t get to be seen and reflected in the ways that other families get to be seen. 

That’s part of what drives me on this podcast: to create a space where you instantly feel seen, without having to work too hard, or sort through too much to find that moment of being known. 

Resources in mentioned in this podcast:

Robyn’s book: Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors

Ongoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The Club

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Q&A: My Child Hates Having their Feelings Validated! {EP 128}


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Why does my child hate having their feelings validated?

In this episode, I talk about the top 5 reasons I see about why kids don’t like their feelings validated:

  1. It feels too vulnerable
  2. It feels intrusive
  3. You’re getting it wrong
  4. You’re on the watchdog or possum pathway
  5. They are too far down the watchdog & possum pathway

This is a Friday Q&A episode, where I answer a listener’s question.

Additional Resources:

Regulated Does Not Mean Calm https://robyngobbel.com/lisadion

Toxic Shame Series https://robyngobbel.com/toxicshame

Has Trauma Informed Become another Behavior Modification Technique? https://robyngobbel.com/traumainformed/

Robyn

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The Mother Load with Meredith Ethington {EP 127}


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Today on the podcast, I am introducing you to my longtime, dear friend, Meredith Ethington. 

Meredith Ethington is an award winning writer, and published author of The Mother Load coming April 18, 2023 and her 2018 debut parenting book, Mom Life: Perfection Pending. She’s also a mom of three kids residing in Salt Lake City, UT. She has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. She began writing in 2007 as a way to document life as a new mom, but quickly realized that she had a passion for writing, and has turned it into her career.

The Power of Authenticity and Storytelling

When Meredith began blogging back in 2007, she was struck with how much response she got when her writing touched on her own mental health and the often invisible challenges and unspoken struggles in parenting. Parents reached out to her with gratitude and comments like, “I thought it was just me.”

She knew it was important to use her voice to help other parents feel seen and known.

Mental Health and Parenting

Meredith reflects on the challenges of balancing the emotional demands of parenting while honoring our own emotional vulnerability: 

“When you’re parenting with your own personal struggles and trying to maintain your own sense of self and be centered and be present, it’s really challenging when you’ve got a person in front of you that’s even more vulnerable, and needs you to be the person who can hold space for them.”

Can I show up and be here for my child in this moment, and then also allow my own vulnerability to come to the surface and get the attention that it needs and deserves, in a different moment? 

Of course, it is possible – it is always possible – yet it can be challenging to create space for both when, as Meredith calls it, the mother load is demanding so much of us all the time.

The Invisible Load

The invisible mental load that many parents face is one of the factors that Meredith brings to light as impacting mental health.

“Society’s expectations for parents and the pervasive culture of toxic positivity don’t give space for parents to be open and honest about the struggles of mental health and the mental load.”

Meredith’s new book, The Mother Load, is available the day this podcast airs, April 18, 2023.

Resources in mentioned in this podcast:

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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