Parenting When Your Partner Is Not On Board {EP 146}


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As parents, we all want what’s best for our children. But when our parenting styles differ from our partner’s, it can create tension and confusion. This challenge is the focus of our latest podcast episode, “Parenting When Your Partner Is Not Onboard”

Categories of resistance

In this episode, we delve into the reasons behind resistance to paradigm shifts in parenting. We explore two categories of resistance that typically arise. The first is those who do not believe in the theory behind behavior. The second is those who get too dysregulated when dealing with certain behaviors. Understanding these resistance categories can help parents approach their differences with empathy and openness.

De-shaming behavior

To facilitate understanding, we discuss the Owl, Watchdog, and Possum metaphor, a tool that can help parents comprehend their own and their partner’s reactions to different behaviors. The metaphor serves as a non-threatening way to de-shame behavior and understand the role of the brain in parenting. This understanding can then pave the way for more effective communication and problem-solving.

A plan during dysregulation

Creating a support plan is a critical part of navigating parenting differences. This involves understanding when your partner’s “owl brain” has flown away, meaning they have become dysregulated, and stepping in to offer support. The use of code words or gestures can help signal this need for support, creating a safer and more nurturing environment for both parents and children.

Rupture and repair

Repair is another essential element in maintaining a healthy family dynamic. If one partner becomes dysregulated and reacts in a way that is not constructive, it’s important for them to make a repair with the child. This not only models responsibility and empathy for the child but also strengthens the bond between parent and child.

Different Parenting Philosophies

It’s crucial to remember that having different parenting philosophies does not mean your partnership can’t be successful or that you can’t create a nurturing environment for your children. It simply means that you may need to approach communication and problem-solving a bit differently.

Being curious and open to learn

We also highlight the importance of staying curious about your partner’s perspective and approach. Being open to learning from each other can create a more harmonious and effective parenting partnership. If your partner is unwilling to learn or engage in this process, it may indicate a deeper underlying issue within the relationship that needs addressing.

Understand, communicate, and support

In conclusion, navigating parenting differences can be challenging, but it is not insurmountable. With understanding, communication, and mutual support, parents can create a harmonious and nurturing environment for their children. Tune into our podcast for more insights and strategies to help you navigate these challenges and build a stronger relationship with your parenting partner.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Free resources: robyngobbel.com/freeresources

Book pre-order/order: robyngobbel.com/book

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Calm the Chaos- A Transformative Framework for Parenting {EP 145}


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Ever found yourself struggling to understand and support a child who simply doesn’t fit the mold? Dayna Abraham’s way to Calm the Chaos might be just what you’re looking for.  Dayna’s journey from being a sibling to a challenging brother, to teaching dysregulated kids, and then parenting a unique child herself, offers a wealth of wisdom and practical strategies. Dayna has taken everything she’s learned from supporting her son and now helps struggling families all around the world.

In this episode you’ll learn:

  • How Dayna’s personal experiences have led her to develop her Calm the Chaos framework for parents
  • The importance of seeing kids uniqueness as something to be celebrated, not changed
  • Why parents deserve exactly what our kids deserve- safety and connection and understanding

Resources mentioned in this podcast:
Lemon Lime Adventures
Calm the Chaos Book
Calm the Chaos Podcast

Robyn

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Enabling vs. Low-Demand Parenting {EP 144}


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Navigating the intricate journey of parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system can often feel like maneuvering through a maze without a map. However, the complexity of this journey can be eased with an understanding of the delicate balance between enabling and co-regulation. This is a pivotal aspect that we delve into in our recent podcast episode, shedding light on the critical contrast often misconstrued in the mental health field.

Enabling vs. Co-Regulation

In this enlightening exploration, we debunk the term ‘enabling’ that carries a negative connotation in the mental health domain. We explain how the act of enabling, although it may seem like providing support, could inadvertently contribute to the continued maladaptive or pathological behavior in the child. However, the objective is not to vilify enabling but to contrast it with co-regulation, a process that encourages individuals to meet their own needs and achieve desired ends.

The Science of Lowering Demands

A key part of this discussion revolves around the science behind lowering demands. We examine how varying levels of demands can trigger different stress responses in children. An overactive, sensitized stress response system tends to respond significantly to even low amounts of stressors. To strengthen this system, the initial step is to reduce the stress, thereby lowering the demands to a level where the system can take a break. This strategy is instrumental in bolstering your child’s stress response system.

Hard vs. Too Hard

Understanding the difference between ‘hard’ and ‘too hard’ is an integral part of this journey. This is where the concept of attunement comes into play. Attunement, or being in tune with your child’s emotions and needs, plays a crucial role in making informed decisions for them. The ability to differentiate between decisions rooted in connection versus those rooted in protection is essential.

The Root of Enabling Behaviors

However, self-awareness doesn’t happen overnight. It requires a considerable amount of self-compassion and an exploration of how our personal past might shape our present behaviors. One common behavior is prioritizing others’ comfort over ours. This is where the roots of enabling and codependent behaviors lie. These behaviors stem from a nervous system in protection mode, while co-regulation comes from connection mode.

Non-Judgmental Observation

Finally, we emphasize the importance of non-judgmental observation of our own

behaviors. Noticing without changing is a vital part of this process. It involves bringing awareness to our actions without self-criticism. This self-attunement strengthens our ‘owl brain’ and moves us towards co-regulation instead of co-dependence.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Connection or Protection??? {7}

What to do after We Mess up {80}

Stress Response System {94}

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Building Safe Spaces: The Crucial Role of Adults in Children’s Recovery from Trauma {Ep 143}


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Ginger Healy is the Program Director for the Attachment and Trauma Network, co-host of the Regulated and Relational podcast, and author of Regulation and Co-Regulation: Accessible Neuroscience that Brings Calm into the Classroom. Ginger’s personal experiences as a mom and a social worker have shaped her approach to aiding families and children dealing with trauma and attachment issues. Her narrative gives a fresh perspective on building resilience in traumatized children.

Ginger’s life and work have been instrumental in the evolution of the Attachment and Trauma Network, a resource-rich organization offering invaluable services to families navigating childhood trauma. Understanding the power dynamics in trauma work, the significance of presence as a parent, and transitioning from traditional behavior plans to focusing on a child’s nervous system are just a few of the key topics covered.

Creating Safe Spaces

Creating safe spaces for children to heal, learn, and grow is critical. The role of adults in this process is underscored throughout the episode. Ginger takes us on a fascinating journey, highlighting the importance of a secure environment for a child’s recovery from trauma.

The Importance of Belonging

The discussion also hones in on practical strategies for educators and parents, exploring the power of buffer relationships in building resilience in children. The idea of ‘belonging’ is discussed as an essential component of a child’s well-being. Resources developed by the Attachment and Trauma Network to support educators in their challenging roles are also outlined.

Resources for Educators and Caregivers

As the conversation transitions into the resources offered by the Attachment and Trauma Network, the focus is on providing support to both educators and parents. The organization offers a plethora of resources, including professional development, webinars, and conferences. The network is committed to making resources accessible and free, which is integral in fostering an environment that encourages growth and healing.

Relationship is Everything

Lastly, the importance of improving teacher-student relationships is discussed. It emphasizes the need for educators to create a safe and conducive environment for students, especially those grappling with trauma. By making a paradigm shift in managing classroom behaviors and focusing on the child’s nervous system, educators can make a significant impact on a child’s learning and healing process. The practical strategies and resources highlighted throughout the episode underscore the invaluable work of the Attachment and Trauma Network in supporting educators and parents.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Regulation and Co-Regulation: Accessible Neuroscience that Brings Calm into the Classroom

The Attachment & Trauma Network

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Exploring Low Demand Parenting: Shifting Power Dynamics and Nurturing Trust {EP 142}


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What if I told you that there’s a revolutionary approach to parenting that’s shifting the traditional power dynamics and nurturing stronger relationships of trust and understanding? My latest conversation with Amanda Deakman, author of the groundbreaking book “Low Demand Parenting”, explores this very concept. Together, we tread into the challenging terrain of parenting children with highly sensitive nervous systems, sharing insightful strategies and breakthrough research work of Ross Green, Mona Delahooke, and Stuart Shanker.

What is Low Demand Parenting
We dive deep into the core ideas of Low Demand Parenting, discussing how to reshape the conventional power structures in parent-child relationships. We explore the concept of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), revealing a new perspective on children’s behavioral traits that demand conscious parenting. As we navigate through this enlightening conversation, we also address the trauma of parenting children with complex needs and stress the importance of a comprehensive support system for parents.

Post-Meltdown Plan for Parents
As we wrap up our riveting exchange, Amanda shares a unique post-meltdown plan aimed at supporting parents during challenging times. We delve into the idea of creating an environment of radical acceptance and trust, helping parents to move away from traditional notions of a ‘good parent’. Rounding off our conversation, we underscore the essential role of viewing children through their nervous system’s lens and the need to spread awareness about nervous system healing. So, buckle up and get ready for an intense paradigm shift that challenges the conventional norms of parenting. Join us as we embark on this enlightening journey of Low Demand Parenting.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast
Low Demand Parenting- Released July 21, 2023
Low-Demand Parenting
For 20% off and free shipping, use code: BafflingBehaviors20

Find Amanda on Instagram: @LowDemandAmanda

https://www.amandadiekman.net/

Post Meltdown Plan for Parents on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/Ctgv-B1OjtE/

Listen on the Podcast
This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Peaceful Discipline & Story Teaching with Sarah R. Moore {EP 141}


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In this podcast episode, Robyn Gobbel interviews Sarah R. Moore, the author of Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior, and founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting.  Sarah was working a corporate job when as a new mom, a conversation with a pediatrician who discouraged her from responding to her baby’s cries ignited a fire in her to research and understand the importance of responsive parenting. This experience led her to empower parents and caregivers by providing evidence-based information and support.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • The basics of conscious parenting
  • The importance of curiosity and grace 
  • Sarah’s HUG process (Holding reactions, Understanding perspectives, and Granting grace
  • The power of story teaching

Resources mentioned in this podcast:

Sarah’s book: Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior
Website: https://dandelion-seeds.com/

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.
Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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This Mom’s Story: Marna Pacheco’s Innovative Way of Supporting Vulnerable Nervous Systems {EP 140}


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The Unlikely Meeting

Marna met Robyn at the Rising Tide Conference. Despite having read about Marna in Marti Smith’s book, meeting Marna in person and experiencing the Capeable product firsthand led Robyn to see the depth of Marna’s commitment to her creation. The encounter marked the beginning of a lovely friendship and a deeper understanding of the impact Capeable could have.

Creating Capeable: A Labor of Love

Marna’s passion for her product comes from her personal experience dealing with the challenges of baffling, hard behaviors. The need to educate others on the neurobiology of trauma, attachment issues, and how weighted products could offer a safe, connecting, and regulating solution led Marna to design Capeable. She transformed the existing concept of weighted products, which seemed restrictive and controlling, into something respectful and beneficial.

Becoming a Manufacturer: The Unexpected Twist

Marna, a mom and sewing enthusiast, found herself building a manufacturing company to bring Capeable to more families. Her journey started with a simple idea, influenced by Dr. Temple Grandin’s work on sensory processing, to make a wearable product for her daughter. She crafted a weight distribution design that offered compression and deep touch, effectively giving a ‘hug’ while standing up. The occupational therapist who first saw the creation instantly recognized its potential, setting Marna on a path to expand her reach.

The Real-Life Impact: Millie’s Experience

The defining moment came when Marna’s daughter, Millie, wore her pink Capeable cape during a shopping trip. What usually turned into a distressing experience transformed into a peaceful outing. The Capeable cape helped Millie navigate through the sensory overload, marking a significant improvement in her quality of life. This experience solidified Marna’s belief in the transformative power of Capeable weighted products.

The Science Behind the Weight

Capeable’s products are differentiated by an innovative approach that focuses on how weight can stimulate and sustain contact with nerves. These products were born out of rigorous research on Polyvagal Theory, Dr. Steven Porges, Dr. Bruce Perry’s work, and others.

About 30 years ago, weighted products were introduced in the mental health community as an alternative to physical restraints for patients with severe behaviors. However, the weight became a form of restraint in itself when too much was applied. This misstep laid the foundation for a safer formula for weighted products, which was 10 to 15% of a person’s body weight plus a pound or two. This calculation originated from pediatric spinal health guidelines for carrying backpacks.

The Transition: From Weight to Nerve Activation

In the 90s, Dr. Temple Grandin’s research on deep touch pressure shifted the conversation from total weight to sensory experiences. This gave rise to SmartWeight-Technology, based on three Cs – conforming to any shape or body size, compressing evenly and gently, and being in constant contact with more nerves. Capeable designed their products with a more even distribution of weight in every two inches of the product to accommodate the body’s curves and maintain constant nerve contact. 

The amount of pressure in each pocket was calibrated based on two-point discrimination – the ability to discern multiple touch points. This refined focus on touch points ensures that the weight stays in constant contact with the body, maximizing the sensory benefits of the products.

Uniting Practicality and Style

Marna became the unlikely architect of these unique weighted products. She intended to simplify the complicated aspects of life, an attribute she attributes to her own ADHD. To her, the product had to be simple, functional, and practical. For instance, the products needed to be machine washable and tumble dryable. The practicality also extended to the product’s design, which needed to be wearable and stylish.

Capeable’s weighted blankets are excellent for nighttime, but Marna recognized the need for a more portable product. Hence, she designed a wearable cape for day-to-day use – perfect for the office, commuting, and even school tests. Ensuring the product’s style was just as crucial as its functionality. Marna wanted her products to blend in, add a pop of color, and not look out of place in any setting.

A Product That Sees You

Robyn concludes their conversation by appreciating how Capeable’s products make people feel seen. Marna’s intention wasn’t just to create a successful business but to ease people’s lives. Her meticulous thought process accounted for various factors that often go overlooked, all in the pursuit of creating a product that is both beneficial and inclusive. In this endeavor, Marna managed to successfully craft a product line that brings comfort to many while maintaining a sense of style and practicality.

Conclusion: More Than Just a Product

Capeable is more than just a product – it’s a testament to the power of love, determination, and innovation. From the heart of a dedicated mom to the homes of families across the globe, Capeable continues to offer a unique solution for those dealing with trauma and sensory overload, touching lives in profound ways. Marna’s journey serves as an inspiration to all those who seek to make a positive change in their own and others’ lives.

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

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When Your Nervous System is Fried {EP 139}


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Living with someone who has significant vulnerability in their nervous system can lead to a sensitized stress response system, resulting in unpredictable and sometimes unsafe behaviors. This can leave our own nervous systems in a state of distress. While we often discuss secondary trauma in parenting kids with trauma histories, the truth is that living with someone who has significant dysregulation is trauma in itself. Understanding this perspective allows us to acknowledge the challenges we face without criticizing ourselves or others.

The Impact on Our Nervous System

When living with or being in close relationship with someone in chronic protection mode, our own nervous systems can become stuck in fight-flight, collapse, or other protective states. This prolonged state of protection mode overwhelms our nervous systems, which are designed to handle short bursts of danger. As a result, we feel depleted and lack the co-regulation and support we need to care for ourselves and our vulnerable loved ones.

The Consequences of Burnout and Lack of Support

Many caregivers find themselves without the necessary support from agencies, organizations, or society at large. Instead of receiving the understanding and assistance they require, they often encounter blame and shame. It is important to understand that while this behavior is not excusable, it can be attributed to the burnout and fried nervous systems of those in helping roles. Recognizing the reasons behind this behavior allows us to shift from protection mode to a more powerful state of connection, enabling us to set boundaries and seek understanding.

Signs of a Fried Nervous System

Various symptoms indicate that our nervous system is overwhelmed and depleted. These symptoms include feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, blaming, and shaming, as well as a lack of motivation or interest in understanding the behavior of our loved ones. Intense mood swings, overusing coping skills, and withdrawing from support systems are also common signs. Recognizing these signs is crucial to understanding the state of our nervous system.

Bringing Rest and Healing to our Nervous System

Once we acknowledge the state of our fried nervous system, it is essential not to rush into changing it. Instead, we should aim to bring moments of rest and healing through connection. Recognizing that our nervous system needs safety, acknowledgment, and soothing is crucial. Seeing and validating the part of ourselves that is fried and offering self-compassion are important steps towards healing.

Practicing Self-Compassion and Seeking Compassionate Spaces

While self-compassion may feel challenging or out of reach, we can scaffold it by immersing ourselves in compassionate spaces and seeking external sources of compassion. Reading books, listening to podcasts, and being in environments where compassion is abundant can help us develop self-compassion. By surrounding ourselves with compassion and participating in acts of compassion towards others, we can gradually learn to extend it to ourselves.

Recognizing the Need for Healing

Taking time to recognize the state of our nervous system and being gentle with ourselves is crucial. Pausing to acknowledge our own limitations and the necessity of self-care is important in navigating the challenges of daily life. While healing and change may not happen overnight, understanding and addressing our fried nervous system is a step toward restoring balance, resilience, and well-being.

Choosing Nourishing Foods

It is important to incorporate nourishing foods into one’s diet, even while acknowledging the natural human craving for quick sources of energy like carbs, sugar, and comfort foods. We can avoid shaming ourselves for indulging in these foods but I also suggest sneaking in healthier options like apples, cheese sticks, or hard-boiled eggs to add some nutrition to meals.

Gentle Movement for Safety and Discharging Energy

Gentle movement is important for the body, especially for individuals with a highly stressed or fried nervous system. While cautioning against starting intense exercise routines, I advocate for small moments of gentle movement that can help the body remember its experience of safety and release pent-up energy. Movement doesn’t have to be traditional exercises like running or yoga but can be as simple as swapping a desk chair for a swivel chair.

Finding Supportive Relationships

It is highly important to find supportive relationships and spaces where we can express our suppressed feelings without judgment. This is challenging for  individuals in high-stress environments, such as healthcare practitioners and parents, who often prioritize others’ emotional experiences while neglecting their own. I encourage you to seek out relationships and places where their feelings can be held and seen, without being judged or getting stuck in negative emotions.

Cultivating Self-Compassion and Surrounding Oneself with Compassion

The practice of self-compassion is crucial, as well as immersing oneself in spaces where compassion is valued. You can do things like reading books, listening to podcasts, or engaging with communities that promote compassion, even if you feel undeserving or unable to provide self-compassion at the moment. Surrounding oneself with the energy of compassion can be a source of support and healing.

Tiny Acts of Self-Care for a Fried Nervous System

Recently, members of The Club shared small, practical, and easily achievable acts of self-care. These acts include going outside barefoot, feeling grass, splashing cold water on the face, stretching, showering, listening to music, taking naps, talking to understanding friends, having snacks or drinks, engaging in physical activities like jumping on a trampoline, and immersing oneself in enjoyable hobbies. The emphasis is on finding moments of joy and relief for the fried nervous system.

Additional Support for a Fried Nervous System

For additional support consider seeking therapy or finding someone who understands the challenges of chronic protection mode and can provide support and belief. You may try outsourcing non-childcare-related tasks, simplifying life, and considering functional or integrative medicine approaches. These approaches can offer additional assistance for individuals experiencing chronic stress cycles and help identify and address underlying factors contributing to the fried nervous system.

Impossible, Necessary Grief

Underneath all of these moments of care, and underneath are very, very fried nervous system is very righteous, grief, and grieving is exhausting. And so it makes a lot of sense that when your nervous system is totally fried, that grieving feels impossible. There is this delicate balance of grieving being necessary to bring some balance back to our nervous system, while also being true that grieving is exhausting.

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Resources mentioned in this podcast:

Previous episode recommendations:

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.
Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Stealing {EP 138}


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Stealing is a frequent concern among parents and professionals, yet there is a lack of comprehensive resources on the subject. The goal is to provide a single source that explores the behavior of stealing in depth, taking into account the underlying factors that contribute to it.

Behavior as a Clue to Nervous System Functioning

Robyn emphasizes the need to look beyond the behavior itself and recognize it as a clue to what is happening in the child’s nervous system. Stealing, in particular, highlights the importance of using “x-ray vision goggles” to delve into the root causes. It is crucial to identify whether the behavior is related to regulation, connection, felt safety, or a combination of these factors.

Skills Needed to Avoid Stealing

To address stealing behavior, it is essential to assess whether children have the necessary skills to demonstrate socially appropriate behavior. One fundamental skill is understanding the concept of ownership and boundaries. Children with attachment trauma may struggle with developing a sense of self as separate from others, impacting their understanding of ownership. Parenting with a focus on co-regulation, connection, and felt safety helps strengthen children’s psychological boundaries and their sense of self.

Exploring Stealing Behavior through the Lens of Regulation, Connection, and Felt Safety

Robyn breaks down stealing behavior by examining it through the lens of felt safety, connection, and regulation. Felt safety refers to a child’s sense of trust in having their needs met and their ability to delay gratification. Children who lack felt safety may believe they need to take matters into their own hands to meet their needs, leading to stealing. Dysregulation and high arousal levels can also diminish a child’s ability to consider future consequences, making it harder for them to resist taking what they want.

Connection and Empathy

Connection plays a crucial role in preventing stealing behavior. Children need to develop empathy and care about the impact of their actions on others and their relationships. Strengthening the parent-child relationship and fostering empathy can help children understand the importance of not taking things that don’t belong to them.

Stealing behavior in children with a history of trauma or attachment issues can stem from various underlying causes. By understanding the child’s nervous system functioning and addressing factors such as regulation, connection, and felt safety, parents and professionals can help children develop appropriate behaviors and strengthen their sense of self. The podcast aims to provide practical guidance for parents navigating these challenges while creating a safe and supportive environment for both the child and the family.

Resources mentioned in this podcast:

Previous episode on the Stress Response System: https://robyngobbel.com/stressresponse/

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.
Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Disappointment: A Sneaky Cause of Baffling Behaviors {EP 137}


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Exploring the Impact of Disappointment

The episode delves into the feeling and experience of disappointment, which underlies many baffling behaviors in children and adults alike. The host reflects on her own therapy, where she realized her tendency to avoid disappointment by having low expectations and not anticipating much from others. While it is important to manage expectations realistically, the host encourages curiosity about why individuals may relinquish hope or anticipation to protect themselves from the feeling of disappointment.

The Neglected Emotion: Disappointment

The podcast highlights how disappointment is often minimized and deemed unworthy of attention or validation in Western culture. Many individuals, especially during childhood, did not receive adequate co-regulation or support for this emotion. Consequently, disappointment becomes an intolerable sensation that people seek to avoid or suppress. Lacking regulatory circuits to navigate disappointment, individuals develop protective parts that prevent them from fully experiencing the emotion, leading to puzzling and challenging behaviors.

Neurobiology of Disappointment

The podcast delves into the neurobiology of disappointment, particularly in children with nervous system vulnerabilities and trauma histories. The sensation of disappointment involves an initial forward-seeking energy when desiring or anticipating something. However, if expectations are not met, the nervous system triggers a crash, resembling a dorsal vagal drop or possum pathway activation. For individuals who have experienced trauma, disappointment can be intolerable, as it resembles previous traumatic experiences. This intolerance contributes to protective behaviors aimed at avoiding disappointment.

Protective Behaviors and Coping Strategies

Individuals employ various protective behaviors to shield themselves from disappointment, such as giving up easily, avoiding risks, appearing lazy, or adopting a grandiose attitude. Some individuals become people-pleasers or perfectionists, striving to meet others’ expectations to avoid disappointment. These protective behaviors, while attempts to navigate disappointment, are not foolproof and cannot completely avoid the sensation of disappointment or prevent others from feeling disappointed.

Embracing Disappointment and Allowing Emotional Experience

The host concludes by emphasizing the importance of embracing disappointment and allowing oneself and others to have their own emotional experiences. While disappointment can be challenging, it is a natural part of life. By acknowledging and validating the feeling of disappointment, individuals can develop healthier coping mechanisms and regulate their nervous systems effectively.

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.
Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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