Mini Pep-Talk for When You Feel Like You’re Failing {EP 220}

Robyn: So this episode is going to be short and sweet. I wanted to make kind of like a little mini-episode that would be very easy for you to come back to and press play on listen from beginning to end during times when you're feeling just spent, just spent like you have nothing else left to give, and you need way, way, way more than a pep talk. And I know that, oh my goodness, do I know that, but a pep talk is what I have to offer you today. So this episode is for you to return to when you're feeling like you're failing, failing at parenting, failing at being able to keep it together, failing at helping your child. When you're feeling that way, when you're feeling like you're failing, come back to this episode because, well, number one, I want to reassure you. I want to remind you every single time you feel like you're failing, I want you to press play and hear my voice say, you are not failing. You are doing something incredibly hard without having the resources and the tools that you need to succeed at it, you have been set up. Parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system, whether that's one who's been impacted by trauma or has sensory differences, or has a brain that's wired just a little bit differently, right, has that vulnerability in their nervous system. You are doing extremely intensive parenting. Extremely intensive parenting. You're doing things very, very few other parents are doing, and you're doing it for so much longer, offering more co-regulation, doing more advocacy, navigating chaos and dysregulation and even danger in your home.    

Robyn: It is hard to live with someone whose nervous system seems to default to protection mode, and when you're doing something that's that hard, and you're doing it without the support, without the tools, without the things that you need to be able to be successful, it starts to feel like you're the problem, but you are not. You are not the problem. You're a human who's doing their best and what looks like failing is actually your own nervous system doing exactly what it was built to do, which is to protect you. Maybe that means it causes you to shut down when everything gets to be all too much. Maybe that means it causes you to yell and scream and say things that you regret. We can acknowledge that these behaviors shutting down, disconnecting, yelling, saying hurtful things. We can acknowledge that these behaviors might cause harm, harm to ourselves, harm to our kids or others in our family. We can acknowledge that's true, while also acknowledging that your nervous system is struggling, and it's struggling in a way that not only makes perfect sense, but is also the most brilliant and best choice for you based on your in, that moment, neuroceived level of safety, right, a sense of safety that's constructed based not only on that moment, on that moment's here and now, but also on all your previous experiences, including how all your previous experiences are helping you to anticipate what's about to happen next.    

Robyn: And from that place, a behavioral impulse is fired, shutting down yelling. And that behavioral impulse, while maybe it causes harm, we're not minimizing that. That behavioral impulse is the best choice for your nervous system in that moment. We talk so much about how all behavior makes sense, and that's true about your kids, and that's true about yours too. Do you have my all behavior makes sense infographic? If not, I want you to download it. Hey, I'll make sure the link gets in the show notes, and if you have downloaded it before, have you looked at it? Have you considered how all of that information applies, not just to your kid, but to you too, and y'all the fact that you're even here listening to this episode. That means, that means that you still have hope. You are still reaching out, still seeking connection and CO regulation. You keep coming back, even when it's hard, probably especially when it's hard. Your child doesn't need a perfect parent. They need you. And you might hear that, and that might overwhelm you, that it's you that they need, and it's okay if that overwhelms you, what I want you to hear is that they've got you. You're who they have, and they don't need you to be perfect. They need a parent who is real and who is present as much as possible, who says something like, Hey, I lost it earlier. I lost it earlier. And I'm working really hard to grow my Owl brain so that my Watchdog brain doesn't take over. And I wish I could promise you that my Watchdog brain will never take over ever again. But the truth is, is it's a it's a lot of hard work to grow an Owl brain. It's a lot of hard work for me to grow my Owl brain, and it's a lot of hard work for you to grow your Owl brain. And sometimes even really good people have their Watchdog brains take over. And if my Watchdog brain takes over again, I will come to you again, and I will make that repair again, and I will keep working to grow my Owl brain. Y'all, that's what our kids need. That's what builds trust, that's what makes safe relationships. That's what rewires the brain, yours and theirs, not perfection, but presence and repair. If you're feeling wobbly right now, whether that means you're full of doubt or guilt or sadness or anger, I want to offer you another way to be with your wobbliness.   

Robyn: This is what growing your capacity feels like. It doesn't feel smooth or polished, it feels messy, it feels uncertain, and sometimes it feels awful. But y'all, that doesn't mean it's not working. It means you're in it. It means you're doing the hard, hard work. You're building something so much bigger than having a good day or getting through, you know, transitions better, or having a meal together with some peace, right? You're building so much more than that. You're building connection, safety, co-regulation, and yes, it is invisible. There is no sticker chart for surviving bedtime without screaming. Although, if you would like to make yourself a sticker chart, by all means, make yourself a sticker chart. Sometimes we do that over in the club. Sometimes we do, you know, those kinds of accomplishments, recognizing those kinds of accomplishments that only parents of kids with vulnerable nervous systems would even understand. But yeah, nobody else is going to give you a sticker right, except for maybe, if you're in the club, maybe other club members, well, nobody else is gonna give you a sticker. But that doesn't mean it doesn't really matter. It matters a bunch. But also the days that you don't survive bedtime without screaming, well, you're human. I mean, in a lot of ways. This is why we don't really use sticker charts with our kids, right? Because when we don't get the desired behavior, the thing that we're longing for quite right? It doesn't mean it's because we weren't trying. It means we've been trying so, so so hard. And in that moment, that moment when your Watchdog or your Possum took over. You were just exhausted, spent it was all too much, and your Watchdog or your possum came in to protect you.    

Robyn: So let's, let's just take a moment together right now, if you can, if you're in a spot where it's possible, pause and put your hand on your heart, and if that feels okay, take a breath, a real one, a long breath with a longer exhale, and maybe even let your shoulders drop a little. Now, could you name maybe one small way you showed up today for your kid or for yourself, and if you're listening in the morning, maybe think about yesterday. What was one small way that you can notice that you showed up for yourself or for your child. It could be that you listened to them or that you listened to yourself. It could be that you didn't yell for an extra five seconds, 10 seconds, 30 seconds. Or maybe it's this. Maybe it's listening to this episode. That's the small way that you showed up for yourself. It counts. I promise it counts. Y'all. The thing I was about to say is, you're not alone. And as I was about to say it, I called a pause for myself to really reflect on that, to really reflect on me sitting here behind the microphone telling you that you're not alone, because you know what the truth is, is you might be alone. You might be alone in your right real life. You might not have anybody who sees you, who supports you, who is a part of your compassion team. You might not have anybody who's boots on the ground helping you. You might be alone, and I'm not here to tell you that you're not.

Robyn: If you're alone, notice it be honest, be real. Notice it offer some compassion. And then if it feels okay, if it feels like you could also notice all the 1000s and 1000s and 1000s of parents around the world who listen and maybe who aren't listening, if it feels okay to consider them and then to consider in that experience that you're not alone, it might be helpful to notice that, that in that experience, the experience of parenting this child with so much vulnerability that in that experience, you're not alone, others share it. If that feels helpful, notice that. Notice that you're not broken. You might feel broken. You're not broken. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it's supposed to do. You're doing sacred, necessary, hard, hard, hard, messy work, which is actually exactly what your kid is doing too. Sacred, necessary, hard and messy work, and I see you, I encourage you to save this episode, bookmark it, if your podcast app works that way and lets you bookmark something and maybe share it with someone, sometimes, that helps us really imprint the information in our own and nervous system, and it might help you remember that this episode is here come back to it as often as you need it. I'm keeping this episode short so that you can touch in and touch out briefly whenever you need it.    

Robyn: I do have a list of other podcasts I have that are helpful for parents who are deep in burnout, and I'll make sure a link for that gets in the show notes too. Y'all, I'm with you. I'm with you the best that I can be. There are 1000s listening, and they are with you energetically. We are all with you together. We're creating this web of connection and co-regulation that I believe that. I believe, moves around the whole world. It covers the whole world. Some days you need to just lean in and release yourself to that web. Let the web hold you. We will hold you. And some days you might have the energy to offer to hold others. Both are perfect. Both are exactly what you need to do in that moment, I'll be here with you again next week!