Most parents I know have had the thought “I do not like my kid.”
Parents of kids with big baffling behaviors, lots of dysregulation, and especially histories of attachment or relationship trauma have had that thought more than once.
Then they become paralyzed by the shame of having that thought. More than once.
They tell no one. Or if they do, it’s with a tone of both shame and horror at themselves.
In a way, I have found this self-shaming to be more significant in the parents who are drawn to my work. Y’all are parents who are committed to understanding what behavior really is and how to respond by increasing connection, co-regulation, and felt-safety.
You’ll say things to me like “I know why my kid is struggling. I know why they act this way. It’s awful for me to feel like I don’t like them. I’m an awful person.”
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You’re Not Awful. It’s an Awful Way to Feel
Well y’all here’s the thing. It is awful to feel like you don’t like your child. It’s an awful way to feel. But you aren’t awful.
Parenting is really hard, even on the best of days. Really, really. hard. We push through the hard of parenting because we get back a lot of experiences that aren’t hard.
Basically, the hard is worth it.
I know a lot of you listening to this podcast are parenting kids where it feels like it’s ALL hard. There is little reprieve. There aren’t very many moments of ease, let alone moments of delight.
Wanting your parenting journey to have ease, delight, and to include a relationship with someone who expresses love for you doesn’t make your selfish.
You Aren’t Selfish
It’s easy, but ultimately short-sighted and not based in reality, to say things like parenting isn’t about me, but the reality is parenting is a job for humans, and humans need connection.
Parenting is a relationship and even though we’re the grown-ups in the relationship, we’re still humans and that means we have needs in the relationship.
It’s OK to have Relationship Needs as Parent.
Of course it’s true that as the adult, we have more resources, more internal capacity for regulation, and more ability to delay our needs than our children do.
Of course.
But we still have needs.
Being in relationship with someone who struggles to be in relationship, not because they are bad but because of the way their nervous system is patterned, can be traumatic.
Even if that relationship is the parent/child relationship.
When Parenting Feels Traumatic
What do we encourage people to do who are in relationships that feel traumatic?
We usually encourage them to end that relationship.
This is a pretty tricky nuance with parenting.
Our kids are doing the very best they can. They are behaving in ways that make complete sense given the state of their nervous system, their level of felt-safety, and the way their previous experiences have helped them survive.
If you’re new here and looking for some support on understanding your kids’ baffling behaviors, head to robyngobbel.com/masterclass for the What Behavior Really Is…and How to Change It masterclass.
Both are True
It can be true that your kid is doing the very best they can and being their parent is still very very hard.
Sometimes our kids best is to protect themselves against intimate relationships. This comes out with all sorts of behaviors that are challenging for us (and frankly for them- it’s terrible to be driven to reject something you also really need to survive).
Some of our kids have such a sensitive stress response systems that living with them feels like walking on egg-shells. We’re tip-toeing around, waiting for an explosion, and feeling like hostages in our own homes.
Some of our kids have traumatic histories that have left such a tragic impact on their nervous system that they have behaviors that we actually even find disgusting.
The feeling of disgust is designed to have us push away whatever is causing that feeling.
But what about when it’s your kid? And you feel compelled to push away, and then you feel the shame of being disgusted by your kid?
Take a Breath
I just took a breath.
A big one with a big sigh.
Y’all this is all just so so hard.
Like, calling it hard feels ridiculous because hard doesn’t even begin to capture the true feeling.
It’s Hard for You. And It’s Hard for Your Kid
Your child is trapped. They are longing and desperate for safety and connection, yet they have experiences in the past that tell them that safety and connection isn’t safe.
You know what happens when we need something that we also believe isn’t safe?
We act really weird. Bizarre. Maybe even in ways that evoke disgust.
Or maybe their nervous system, for whatever reason, is so fragile that they, and then of course you too, are constantly on alert- just waiting for the next explosion.
It’s exhausting.
Then you add in the judgment from others, the lack of support, and the fact that for some of your kids, what they need literally doesn’t even exist. And if it did, it probably wouldn’t be accessible to the average family.
OK YUP. Sometimes all of this results in a feeling of not really liking our kid that much.
Try This
See if you can be honest with yourself that the feeling of not liking your kid is painful. To you. It’s a moment of suffering in your own heart.
You know what Dr. Kristin Neff invites us to do with our suffering?
We meet it with self-compassion.
Yup. When you find yourself not liking your kid, the next step (instead of judging or shaming yourself) is to take a breath and think “Wow. Not liking my kid is very painful. This is a moment of suffering. Suffering deserves compassion.”
The Only Way Out is to be Seen
The feeling of not liking your kid needs to be seen. And not with horror but with curiosity and compassion.
Then an invitation can be extended to that feeling.
Can a feeling exist without actions?
Yes.
Can I not like my kid but still take care of them?
Yes.
Can I meet myself with compassion every time I feel like I don’t like my child?
Yes.
Will meeting that feeling with compassion help me feel better?
Yes.
Can I not like my kid while still believing 100% that they are worthy of love and adoration and overflowing with infinite worth?
YES.
That, in fact, is the goal.
Let’s Hold Both Truths
Being worthy of love and adoration is our birthright.
Your child does indeed overflow with infinite worth. And their nervous system drives behaviors that make it very difficult for you to like them.
Our kids deserve to be looked at with eyes of adoration.
They need that.
They need to know they delight people simply because they exist.
You can send yourself self-compassion for feeling like you don’t like your kid and still keep working ferociously hard at finding a way to like your kid.
They deserve it and honestly, you do too.
So. What Do You Do?
Find other adults in your child’s life who will look at them with delight.
And you find other adults in your life who look at YOU with delight.
That. That’s really the antidote.
If you want to find ways to adore your child, find people who adore you.
Even if that person is yourself.
Since you’re listening to this podcast and reading this blog, you’ve already found one person.
I Adore You
I adore you.
I adore your kids.
People ask me all the time- why do you work with these kids?
I’m not completely sure but for whatever reason, I just get them. They make sense to me. I adore them.
This is also true about their parents.
I don’t know exactly why I love y’all. But I do.
I love the parents of kids with big behaviors who keep looking for what they need.
I love parents who are willing to regulate through the vulnerability of asking for help. They show up.
For years, they showed up in my office. Every week they were brave and showed up.
You show up by hitting play on this podcast and reading this blog.
Parents show up at the conferences and workshops I teach.
They show up in the Club.
This really is quite remarkable. It’s raw and honest and remarkable and I love these parents. I adore them. I adore you.
You are Adored
I know I know. That might sound trite. I don’t even know you.
I actually don’t really need to.
I know your true self is easy to adore because I know that’s true about all people.
Not liking your kid is painful. Hitting play on this episode was brave.
I worry about all the adults who were kids with big baffling behaviors seeing this podcast and feeling the pain of wondering if their parents didn’t like them.
But here’s what I know. I know feeling that way about your kid and still seeking out help, support, listening to this podcast and joining The Club- I know that it matters.
The Work You’re Doing Matters
I will never ever forget a conference attendee who emailed me after the conference. It was a conference for parents who had adopted children through foster care.
This attendee emailed and told me they had once been one of those kids. They grew up in foster care. They experienced abuse and neglect and had the behaviors of the kids we were talking about at the conference.
They were overcome with emotion sitting in a conference ballroom looking around at the hundreds of parents there who were showing up for themselves and their kids. They wanted to do better.
This attendee emailed me and wrote
I wanted to be a kid again, and have one of them be my parents.
Show up Imperfectly
No matter how imperfectly you show up for your kids, you are trying. You keep trying. You deal with the pain and the vulnerability and you keep trying. You wouldn’t be listening if that wasn’t true.
That matters.
It matters to your kids but you never know who else it might matter to- like that adult in the audience of that conference who once was your kid.
And who was filled with relief that so many parents were there, at that conference, trying. Trying to see their kids for their real true loveable and worthy of adoration selves.
Robyn
Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.
Just let me know where to send the links!
