Adoption Grief


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Ahh.  National Adoption Month.  Here you are again.

Here’s what the Child’s Bureau (US Department of Health and Human Services) says about National Adoption Month:

November is National Adoption month, a month set aside to raise awareness about the urgent need for adoptive families for children and youth in foster care.

Here’s the impact I witness of National Adoption Month on adopted people:

Grief.  Confusion.  Anger.  Fawning.***

Somewhere along the line, National Adoption Month shifted from bringing awareness to the need for adoptive families for children in foster care to celebrating adoption, adoptive families, and particularly, adoptive parents.

This is hurting adopted people.

I’ve made it my life’s commitment to listen to adopted people.  And I can’t believe the things I’ve learned about life, and myself, from listening to adopted people.  I mean…things waaaaaay beyond adoption.  It’s pretty cool, actually.

Listening to adopted people really hit home for me a fundamental truth of being human.  And of doing good therapy.

We can, we MUST, experience multiple feelings as once.

Sometimes contradictory feelings.  Feelings that seem mutual exclusive on the surface.

Like….grief and gratitude.  Grief and goodness.  Grief and contentedness.

I’m not talking about spiritual bypassing by turning bad things into good ones. Looking on the bright side.  Finding the silver lining.

I’m not talking about turning grief and trauma INTO goodness.

I’m talking about holding BOTH.

At the exact same time.

There is no adoption without tragic loss.

It’s hard to imagine a loss more significant that what precedes adoption.

At the absolute LEAST, it’s complete loss, obliteration, annihilation of a family.

Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the safety needs of the child, the annihilation of a family is a tragedy.

Not to mention, for many, adoption means complete loss of identify, culture, language, privilege, racial mirrors…I could make a reallllllly long list but suffice it to say, it’s a realllllllllly long list.  I’m not minimizing the losses or being trite, I’m just acknowledging the limits and reality of a blog post.  

Regardless of what blooms, it starts with tragedy.

As we move through National Adoption Month, let’s make a deliberate practice of always bringing ourselves back to this truth.

It is only in coming into full contact with this truth that we can offer adoptees the life-giving (and maybe life-saving) experience of having all parts of them welcomed.  Honored. Cherished.  Adored.

Recognizing the tragedy that precedes adoption does not take away from the truth that sometimes adoption really is the best, most necessary option (though let’s be honest…it’s not the best, most necessary option as much as it we think it is).

Recognizing the tragedy that precedes adoption does not take away from the truth that sometimes adoption creates something amazing.  A family.

A family that only exists because another one was annihilated.

Can you hold both?

Can both be true?

We must do our work to allow both to be true because adoptee lives are counting on us.

Do you know that the risk of suicide attempt is FOUR TIMES GREATER for adoptees than non-adopted people?***

FOUR TIMES!!!!!!

This is a complex and nuanced topic- but I feel absolutely positive (with no scientific proof to back it up) that the simple step of doing the work so we can hold tragedy, loss, and goodness all together would decrease this risk.

When we ignore the tragedy of adoption, we ignore a part of the core of the adopted person.

When we annihilated a part of the self, it makes sense that that self would be at increased risk of attempting annihilation.

We can do hard things.

We can honor the true tragedy and the grief implicit in adoption.

Let’s try.  Together!  I’m here with you.

I see the grief.  I see the goodness.

You can too.

Robyn

***Fawning = people pleasing.  Setting aside our own needs and feelings in order to please someone else or avoid stress in the relationship***

***Source: Keyes, M et. Al. (2013).  Risk of suicide attempt in adopted and non adopted offspring.  Pediatrics.  132(4). 639-646.***

New here?!?!?!  YAY!  I’m super excited you found me because my goal in life is to spread the neurobiology of being relationally human to everyone.  In the whole world.  And now, I’m one person closer to that 7 billion.

You’ll definitely want to get my free three-part video series that introduces you to this brain-based, paradigm shifting approach to understanding human behaviors: Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety.  You can watch it for FREE by clicking here!!!

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Self-Compassion Will Change Your Brain {EP 8}


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Keep reading or listen on the podcast.

Y’all hear me talking about self-compassion- a lot.  I mean, really a lot.

It’s probably a little annoying 😊 Because it’s a little like a broken record, but also- because self-compassion is really, really, really hard and may feel waaaay out of reach for you.

I know that my brain really needs to understand the science behind something- especially a vulnerable something like self-compassion- before I’m willing to risk trying it.

Maybe your brain is the same!!!

So here you go….a little introduction to the science of self-compassion.

Compassion is quite literally the neurobiology of change.

A compassionate brain is a brain that is open and available to shift, take in new information, and move toward integration.

Integration means developing lots of gorgeous, wonderful, rich, and plentiful connections; in the brain, in the body, and with each other!

Integration = mental wellness.

Integration mean emotion regulation.  Integration means staying regulated in the face of stress.  Integration means moving BACK into regulation more quickly after you flip your lid. Integration means empathy and insight.

Integration means all the good things.

More often.

Not all the time. 

I’m never ever ever ever ever aiming for integration all the time.

It’s not possible.  It’s not reasonable.  It’s not being human.

You will never stop flipping your lid.

You will never stop losing it on your kids.  Or your partner.

Or whatever it is that you want to stop doing.

And that’s OK.  Because it has to be OK because you are human and there is nothing you can do to transcend your humanity.

BUT…when we increase integration one of the things we do is build resilience.  That means it gets easier and faster for our body and brain and nervous system to come back into regulation; to feeling OK, clear, and connected.

This means we increase our ability to repair what happened when we flipped our lid.

This means we flip our lid less often.

This means we slow DOWN how quickly we flip our lid so we can use some of those brilliant coping skills that will help us NOT flip our lid.

How do we do this?

Practice self-compassion!!!!

Self-compassion sounds like “Oh, this is hard.  I’m doing the best I can.”

“I’m really hurting and overwhelmed right now.”

“Whoa…that was not ideal behavior.  That must mean that I was really hurting/overwhelmed in that moment.”

“The absolute only reason I would act that way is because I feel realllllly bad.”

“I’m not alone in this.  There are so many parents struggling right now.”

“Struggling is just what humans do.  Being human is hard.”

Self-compassion moves our nervous system from a reactive state to an open state.

From feeling tight and constricted and yucky to feeling open and curious…though obviously, not necessarily GOOD.

It’s a shift in the physical sensation.  Tight and constricted to open and receptive.

The more we shift into this open and receptive place the more we create the neurobiology the supports integration.  And remember all the good things integration means???

Here’s what I hear people say when they are resistant to self-compassion.

“If I’m compassionate with myself, I’m letting myself off the hook.  It’s just an excuse!”

“If I’m compassionate with myself, I’ll never change.  I’ll just keep doing this over and over again.”

“My behavior is so bad I don’t deserve compassion.”

My favorite way to turn this resistance around? 

Imagine if any of these beliefs are things you think are true about your best friend.

Their behavior is so bad they don’t deserve compassion?

See for me….someone’s really bad behavior means they need the MOST compassion.  Bad behavior = hurting.

Compassion and boundaries are NOT mutually exclusive.  We can absolutely hold compassion AND very very strong boundaries. For others….and ourselves 😊

If you were compassionate with your friend for their bad behavior, would that ensure that their behavior never changes?!?!  I mean really….does that even make sense?

Compassion and understanding what is DRIVING behavior is not EXCUSING the behavior.

Excusing is NOT the neurobiology of integration.  Compassion is.  Promise.

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift into how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Hunker Down & Hang On


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Yesterday I sent an out an email with the subject line “Last Week Sucked.” 

I wanted to offer up a sense of ‘I’m WITH you!!!” that all of us have terrible days, weeks, months, (and even a year…).  I write so often on compassion, curiosity, and hope- and I have a very deliberate practice in my own life of noticing things that are good that sometimes I worry I give of the vibe of “everything’s perfect here!  No problems in my life!”

Nope nope and nope.  I DO work hard to be deliberate about noticing things that are good, but that isn’t so I don’t notice the things that aren’t.  It’s so a grow my capacity to manage the things that aren’t.  It’s not a path toward spiritual bypassing; it’s a path toward authentically and truly being with ALL experiences.  Good and bad ones.

(Also- I understand there is great privilege in my ability to do this.  I currently choose to believe that I can use my privilege for good- and a way I do that is by caring for my nervous system so I can support those who don’t benefit from the same privilege).  

So anyway, I just wrote an honest, authentic email about how last week sucked.

And I found myself writing “I really don’t even have anything helpful to say about how to get through sucky times.  Sometimes all we can to is hunker down, hang on, and hope it’s over soon.”

Turns out, that really resonated with folks.

Y’all, sometimes there are simply no silver linings.  There is no way to wrap things up in a bow or say ‘this was worth it’ or ‘this good thing happened because of this bad thing’ or any other sort of platitude that can sometimes be helpful but is more often a way we try to ignore how much things hurt.

Sometimes there are no coping skills that we can use that will help.  Sometimes there is no boundary to set.  Sometimes there is quite literally nothing we can DO.

Sometimes things just suck.

A lot.

And you may even be thinking “uh….this isn’t going to be over soon.”

Whatever your this is.

That very well may be true.

But there is a way to bring hope together with radical acceptance.  Radical acceptance says “this is what it is and I can’t do anything about this.”  (Well kinda…it’s more complicated that that but not really the overall point I’m trying to make here so I’m not going to go any further into it right now).  Hope says “It’s not possible for this to never change.  The world, people, energy, etc. isn’t static.  Even if this situation doesn’t change, my relationship to the experience will.  I’ve never had a feeling get stuck.” Hope says “Even though this terrible experience isn’t going to change, I can not be ALONE in the experience.”  Because it’s not experiences that cause things to be traumatic.  It’s aloneness.

We can keep a foot in hope.  A foot in radical acceptance. 

Things do change.  They will change.

And to be clear.

This mantra of hunker down, hang on, and hope it’s over soon….it’s not a great mantra for everything 😊  In fact, it’s probably not a great mantra for most things.  Some things need us to respond with anger.  With creating change.  With setting a boundary.

But sometimes that just isn’t possible.  And all we can do is hang on.

Hang on, dear ones.  Hang on.

Robyn

PS- Have you seen my free resources page?  Check it out and snag yourself a free video series and ebook on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors.  OR a free video series on Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety- which is at the core of my philosophy and all my writings!!!  CLICK HERE to grab those right away!

PPS- If your craving the co-regulation and connection you deserve so you have the support you need during these impossible moments, come join us in The Club- a virtual community of connection, co-regulation, and a little education.

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Becoming a Behavior Detective


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This is a guest post written by Jessica Sinarski, LPCMH (bio at the end!!)

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“She’s so manipulative!”

“He is only nice when he wants something.”

Have these thoughts ever run through your mind?

Maybe you’ve heard something like it from families you work with? It doesn’t feel good! No one likes it when someone else is pulling the strings. And it feels even worse when it’s paired with other squirrelly behavior, like lying or stealing.

Let’s dig a little deeper.

If we’re honest, what is the story we are telling ourselves about the kiddo who lies and sneaks and “manipulates” their way through life? There tends to be a moral spin on it – bad choices, bad kid. Those behaviors start to get mixed up with identity: “She is a liar and a thief!” And then the shame spiral kicks in for parents: I’m a bad parent. Good parents don’t have kids who steal. I’m a failure.

Oof. That is a lot for a family to hold.

I’m going to throw something out there that might feel radical, but hang with me because I’ve seen it change lives!

Let’s reframe the narrative.

What if manipulative or sneaky behavior has been adaptive? What if lying and stealing and managing the big people around me has literally kept me alive? Maybe, just maybe, the story is not bad kid…bad parent…no hope. Instead, I see a kiddo who has learned to gather resources without getting close. Now that is something we can work on!

Did you know that in the absence of an affectionate relationship in the early days of life, the brain starts to trim down its oxytocin receptors (oxytocin is that happy, bonding chemical) to make room for opioid receptors. Yep, the brain starts to protect against close relationships in favor of numbing the pain of neglect and abuse. The brain starts wiring for solo survival, for scrappy self-provisioning instead of trust and connection with a safe grown-up.

That’s not the end of the story, though!!

Brains can change.

Here is a quick video explanation if you want to learn a little more. The point is…years into living in a more safe and stable environment, you may still be dealing with lots of “squirrel moments.”

I promise…that delightful, relational little human is still in there!!  

So now what?

“I still don’t want to be manipulated,” you tell me, “and I don’t want my kid lying and stealing.”

Yep, I totally get that.

Here are a few things that help…

  1. Check the story you are telling yourself about the child. Here are some ideas:
    1. Her brain learned to lie to protect itself at a very young age. I get to be part of rewiring that big, beautiful brain.
    2. Oops, that was a “squirrel moment.” I need to tune in and find some “upstairs brain moments” too. (Here’s a free resource to help.)
    3. He’s so good at trying to provide for himself. It’s going to take time for him to trust that I am safe and caring and reliable.
  2. Check the story you’re telling yourself about yourself. Instead of those pesky failure thoughts we have as parents and therapists, let’s try:
    1. Telling the truth is really hard for him, so we are working on that skill together. I’m a good parent for meeting him where he is and helping him build those tough skills.
    2. I can use play and kindness while setting a boundary. In a conversational tone, without judgment, I can say, “I know you learned some good squirrel survival skills, so before we leave the playroom, let’s empty those pockets in case any little acorn treats are tucked away. They’ll be here next time you come see me.”
    3. I really know my child and will lovingly set them up for success by keeping valuables locked up while they practice building self-control in situations where it would be easy to fall back into self-reliance.
  3. Notice the patterns. When we are stressed, we tend to rely on well-worn pathways in the brain. For a neurodivergent child or someone who has experienced early life trauma, that can mean falling back into “survival mode” habits.
    1. Provide lots of felt safety during stressful times.
    2. Ease transitions with objects or security items that can travel to and from locations with the child.
    3. Catch your thoughts when a squirrel moment occurs, especially if it comes after a period of time without any lying/stealing/hoarding. All is not lost! Keep nurturing those developing pathways to connection and safety and trust!!
  4. Notice the good! Remember, this is only one part of your child. Keep trying to find that delightful little spirit behind some of the “bad behavior.” I promise it’s there! Sometimes it’s well-hidden, for safety sake, but keep looking.

You can find some support for the journey at bit.ly/RTBparents.

~Jessica Sinarski, LPCMH

Jessica is a therapist, clinical supervisor, educator, consultant, and children’s book author!  She is the creator of BraveBrains, a resource and training platform for home, school, and community.

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Robyn here- Jessica is awesome!!  SO awesome, that I though y’all needed to know her :)  Jessica is my special guest presenter in next week’s webinar- where she’ll go much more in depth into Becoming a Behavior Detective.  It’s only $14!!!  The webinar is Thursday the 22nd at 12pm eastern but you don’t have to attend live!  Everyone who registers will receive lifetime and unlimited access to the recording!!!  You can read all the details and register by CLICKING HERE.

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Finding Playfulness


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When was the last time you allowed yourself to be immersed in pleasure? Play? Delight?  Fun for the sake of fun?

Even if just for a moment or two??

It could erupt spontaneously in the kitchen.  While you are driving.  Showering.  Making the bed.

Pleasure, playfulness, and delight aren’t about DOING something.

Pleasure, playfulness, and delight are about BEING something.

Something open. Expansive. Vulnerable.

Something without agenda or expectation.

Something where it’s OK that there is no specific outcome you are striving for.

Playfulness is our safe, connected, regulated social engagement system getting a little (or even a lot!) of energy from our sympathetic nervous system.  Energy. Arousal. Activation.

Playfulness is dipping into that energy, arousal, and activation while feeling safe.

I’m hearing from parents and therapists and well….humans….that playfulness has been lost.

And that makes sense.

Playfulness is open. Expansive. Vulnerable.

And it happens when we feel safe and connected- to ourselves and/or others.

In fact, Jaak Panksepp- the famous tickling rat researcher- said that our play circuity becomes available only when our seeking system has found the connection we are always searching for.  Connection with ourselves or with others.

And Stephen Porges- the theorist behind the Polyvagal Theory- says that we must be experiencing felt-safety in order to move into the playful part of our nervous system.

Well.

Feeling safe and experiencing connection are feeling especially hard right now.

And if you are parenting, caring for, or living with someone with a history of trauma (or if you have a history of trauma), playfulness feels like a stranger.

Playfulness is a way back to ourselves.

And moments of playfulness add up.

Moments of playfulness are like doing a brain bicep curl.  It strengths the nervous system and builds resilience.  You probably need to do more than one bicep curl.  And you probably need to do just…one….more even when your arms are tired in order to realllllly build that muscle.

But it’s about doing one.

Then the next one.

And the next one.

Each one matters.  Each one counts.

Each moment of playfulness matters.

Each moment counts.

Find a silly video on the internet.  There are PLENTY.

Laugh.

Watch a silly show or movie (we’ve been watching The Good Place…Season 1 in particular is just plain silly).

Sing and dance while you are drying dishes.  Or driving.

Have a sword fight with the 20 pound tubes of ground beef in the grocery store.

(Oh wait…that might be only something my family would do….)

Prioritize finding a moment of playfulness every day.

Then a couple times a day.

Be deliberate about it.

Eventually you’ll build that muscle and you might not always have to always be so intentional.

Though in times of stress, playfulness feels elusive.  This makes sense because we aren’t feeling safe!!! So when we are stressed, we might have to be deliberate and intentional about finding playfulness.

Ask yourself- is it OK to feel safe when I am safe?

Then…am I safe right now….in these next five moments while I’m in my kitchen getting breakfast for my kids.  Or driving to the grocery store.  Or while I’m brushing my teeth.

If it’s OK to feel safe when you are safe, and you’re safe for even just a few moments….see what it feels like to inject playfulness.

Shake your booty to the same tempo you are brushing your teeth back and forth…up and down.

Delight in yourself.

Bicep curl for the brain.

Robyn

If you haven’t checked out the free, three-part video series (and e-book, also free!!!) on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors, what are you waiting for?!?!  CLICK HERE!

And…..if you would like to dive really deep into this approach to parenting a child, especially one who has experienced trauma, you will love my course, Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain.  Check it out by CLICKING HERE!   There’s a whole section on playfulness!

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Boundaries with Connection {EP 2}


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Brain-based parenting with connection and coregulation doesn’t mean boundary-less parenting. In fact, if you are parenting a child who is a little delayed with regard to developing self-regulation, this type of parenting actually means MORE boundaries.

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

But boundaries aren’t consequences or punishments.

Boundaries are the supports your child needs to be successful.

It’s a little like toddler proofing. Toddlers aren’t untrustworthy, misbehaving, or sneaky because they explored the stairs and then fell down. Toddlers are just doing their toddler thing with their toddler brain. It’s our job as the adults to provide the boundaries and co-regulation they need to support their developmental task (exploration) without getting hurt!

So we provide lots of supervision and baby-gates. And we support their safe exploration of the stairs- holding their hands as they go up and down, or sitting one step below them while they play.

If we remember a few important tenets of brain-based parenting:

  • Connection is a biological imperative
  • Behavior is an externalization of inner experience
  • Regulated, Connected, Kids who Feel Safe Behave Well

Then we can feel confident that when our kids are struggling (lying, stealing, manipulation, opposition, etc.) that they need more support.

What does it really mean to follow the rules?

Following the rules and behaving in socially acceptable ways requires quite a bit of internalized co-regulation/self-regulation.

Think about it.

Do babies and toddlers follow the rules and behave in socially acceptable ways?

Have you ever taken one out to dinner??? 

They aren’t naughty or bad. They don’t have the brain structures in place to not cry loudly, wait patiently for their dinner, or know that the family behind you isn’t there to entertain them.

As they grow, their brain grows. And if they are experiencing co-regulation by a regulated, attuned caregiver, their regulatory circuits grow too.

They can wait without screaming, even when they are really hungry.

They can comply with your redirection to leave the nice family behind you alone because they are trying to enjoy a nice dinner.

It’s not that their thinking brain grew enough for them to know this is the way to behave in a restaurant.

The knowing is HELPFUL, but we all know that simply KNOWING the correct behavior and DOING the correct behavior don’t always coincide.

So why do children increase in their ability to behave in the ways we expect?

Well….at the same time that their thinking braining is developing and gaining all sorts of new knowledge, their regulatory circuits are developing and growing nice and strong.

Their brain develops in a lovely harmony and then they demonstrate the behavior we expect! Not perfect by any means, but typical kid behavior.

And this happens to a whopping…oh….1% of children?

Honestly I have no idea the actual statistic.

But I do know the families that I work with aren’t parenting children who are behaving in developmentally expected ways.

Delayed Developmet of Self-Regulation

The families I work with tell me they can’t trust their children to play with the neighbors without bopping them on the head or throwing a truck at them.

At the age of 10.

The families I work with tell me that they can’t trust their children to walk down the street to play with their friend without their child defacing another neighbor’s bike or walking straight into an even DIFFERENT neighbor’s house.

At age 12.

The families I work with tell me that they can’t trust their child to go to the bathroom by themselves without dumping out all the shampoo, squeezing the toothpaste down the drain, and clogging up the toilet with allllllllllll the toilet paper.

At age 7.

We can look at these behaviors through the lens of connection, regulation, and felt-safety, but….

What do we actually DO about these behaviors?

Parents feel manipulated and held-hostage. They say things to me like “as soon as I’m not there, my child does whatever they want.” “My child only behaves correctly when I’m watching.”

Yes!!! Yes this is true!!!

But it’s not about trust!!!

It’s about regulation!!

As children’s brains are still building and wiring and developing, they rely on their caregiver’s brains to ‘lend them’ regulation.

Regulation helps with impulse control. Slowing down. Thinking through consequences. THINKING before doing. Making prosocial choices with behavior. Valuing other people. Knowing how my behavior impacts other people. Understanding the LONG term impact of my behavior instead of this instantaneous impact of my behavior.

Decrease the Distance

Boundaries with Co-Regulation almost always means our child needs more of us. More instruction. More support. More supervision. They need us to be literally, physically closer. More often.

It means your 10-year-old can’t be dropped off at a birthday party. It means your 12-year-old can’t ride bikes arounds the block. It means your 16-year-old can’t get their driver’s license or go to the movies unsupervised with their friends.

Because they need you CLOSER. Not because they can’t be trusted. Because they literally need the coregulation.

Coregulation isn’t always active. Coregulation is often just about being present.

Over time, children internalize the co-regulation.

Internalized coregulation is ONLY developed through coregulation.

Not through teaching.

Not through parent-imposed consequences.

Not through punishment.

Providing more co-regulation may me that you:

Decrease the distance

Increase attunement

Provide appropriate scaffolding (scaffolding means we slowly decrease the supports in place, allowing children to flex the muscles of their new skills.  Think of it like training wheels on a bike!)

And then you grieve your child’s intense need for co-regulation.

Your 10-year-old needs you to stay at the birthday kid’s house for the birthday party, hanging out in the kitchen, or maybe even just sitting in the car. Your 12-year-old needs you to ride behind them while they ride bikes around the block. Or they can only go two houses down, or they must stay in the caul-de-sac. Even when all their friends get to go further.

Your 16-year-old can have their friends over to watch a movie but can’t be dropped OFF at the movies. Or you and your teen agree that you can stealthily buy a ticket to the same movie, sit in the back, and pinky-promise that your teen’s friends WILL NOT SEE YOU. But you gotta be there.

Your 6 and 8-year-olds can’t play unsupervised in their bedrooms. They need to play in the living room, with you nearby.

Again, this isn’t about TRUST. It’s about having the necessary co-regulation available.

Parenting is supposed to get less active as our children get older, so actively parenting your teenager as though they are a toddler is exhausting.

And they are missing out on some pretty cool aspects of being a teenager.

There is grief there.

These boundaries might feel like a punishment to your child.

I get it. That’s hard. Allow them to be angry and to protest and to plead.

It’s so hard to be different.

Co-regulation is intended to build internalized self-regulation!

Don’t forget! This is just a part of the process. The entire point is to provide your child the experiences their brain needs so that they can develop their own regulatory circuits!!! (Though sometimes kids do have significant brain-based differences that require us to reconsider our long-term goals).

Children who have delayed development of their regulatory circuits- whether that’s due to abuse, neglect, toxic stress, or other factors that have less to due with their caregiving experiences- need MORE boundaries, not less.

So often when we think about boundaries we think about consequences and punishments. Boundaries are much more effective when proactively provided- like a baby gate! Boundaries recognize the development of our children’s brains and provide them the support and supervision that they need to be their best selves. Boundaries help our kids have the kinds of experiences they need for their brain to develop MORE regulatory circuits!!!

Regulation isn’t the only reason children struggle with behaviors- it could be a lack of connection (to you or to themselves) or a lack of felt-safety (or they truly don’t know the right thing to do, though that’s usually the least likely reason).

But if the reason for the difficult behavior is lack of regulation, we’ve got to INCREASE the coregulation.

Decrease the distance

Increase attunement

Implement scaffolding (remember- scaffolding is like training wheels)

Keep on keepin’ on.  Building brains is hard work.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the link!

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Opposition, Defiance, & Control


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A Brain-Based Deep-Dive

It kinda sounds like “Lion, Tigers, and Bears, OH MY!” right?

I suppose in a way, opposition, defiance, and control isn’t terribly different than lions, tigers, and bears 😊.  Parenting a child who feels stuck in oppositional, defiant, and controlling behavior can certainly be exhausting.  It’s walking on eggshells, just longing to relax in your home.

One of the most difficult aspects of being with someone who is oppositional, defiant, or controlling is that it invites US to become those things, too.

Think about it- what’s your instinct in how to respond to someone being controlling? 

We tend to dig in our heels, too.  Get controlling, too.  It starts to become a tug-of-war, battle of the wills, right?

This is completely normal because our nervous systems are contagious!  Unless we pause and make a choice to soothe ourselves, our bodies are going to respond to oppositional, defiant, and controlling behavior by becoming exactly those things ourselves.

Remember in the felt-safety blog that I talked about how our nervous system is looking ‘inside, outside, and in-between’ to determine if we feel safe or not?

That applies to us too!!!

If we are with someone whose nervous system is in a fear-based defensive state, we experience that as not safe.

And now our nervous system shifts into a fear-based defensive state.

Makes sense!  But unfortunately, ultimately not helpful- for us or our kids.

And remember how we learned to track arousal instead of only behaviors? (Using behaviors as cues for levels of arousal).

Well…oppositional, defiant, and controlling behavior are CUES for arousal!

If connection is a biological imperative (it is!!!! You can read about that HERE) then we automatically know that a child (person!) demonstrating oppositional, defiant, or controlling behavior has flipped into their fear-based brain.

They are not experiencing felt-safety.

We can use fancy science words like “neuroceiving” (coined by Dr. Stephen Porges) to talk about this spidey-sense that helps our brain determine if we are safe or not safe.

We only get oppositional, defiant, or controlling when we ARE NOT FEELING SAFE.

When we are not NEUROCEIVING SAFETY.

And because in every unfolding moment we are all responding to the reality that is created by our minds based on what’s actually happening in the here and now AND based on everything that has happened in the past, we MUST trust that our child is responding to their own reality of safe or not-safe.  (This is weird, right?  You can read an article about the way our minds create our reality based on the NOW and the PAST by CLICKING HERE).

But when you child is acting oppositional, defiant, controlling, or even aggressive, and you remember that they only demonstrate these behaviors when their own reality tells them that they are not safe, you might be thinking “BUT this is not my reality!  EVERYTHING IS SAFE!!!”  You might be left scratching your head, or even feeling angry, because THERE IS NOTHING UNSAFE HAPPENING HERE!!!

Yes.  That’s true.  That’s your experience of reality.

And it’s also true, all at the same time, that if your child is being oppositional, defiant, or controlling, that they aren’t experiencing felt-safety.

They are neuroceiving danger.

There is literally no other reason to be oppositional.  Defiant.  Controlling.

Read that again.

There is literally no other reason to be oppositional.  Defiant.  Controlling.

Humans are designed to be in connection.  In cooperative relationships.  It’s literally how we survive.

Unless we feel unsafe.  And then we survive by not complying.

So…what on earth do we DO about this?!

The number one strategy for parenting or working with a child with behaviors that could be labeled oppositional, defiant, or controlling is CURIOSITY.

A breath.  A pause.

Then I say to myself:

This child is experiencing cues of danger- inside, outside, or in between (or some combination of two or all three).

This isn’t personal.

This is survival.

It’s weird that this is about survival because it sure doesn’t seem like there is anything dangerous, let alone life threatening, happening right now.

But I will trust in the truth that connection is a biological imperative and feeling unsafe is the only explanation for oppositional, defiant, or controlling behavior.   

Now….my own nervous system has settled.

This is important because one, it’s exhausting to be chronically in fight/flight, even mildly.  And parenting a child with a history of trauma leaves us in our own chronic state of fight/flight because nervous systems are contagious!!!  So it’s super important that I look for opportunities to rest my nervous system and not respond to my child’s fight/flight behaviors with my own.

This is important because two, I cannot offer cues of safety to my child if I’m in a place of fight/flight.  And if I can’t offer cues of safety to my child, they will remain stuck in feeling unsafe, and the oppositional, defiant, or controlling behavior remains- or escalates.

Opposition, defiance, verbal aggression, and physical aggression are the stages of arousal on the fight/flight continuum- otherwise known as the watch dog brain 😊 (No idea what I’m talking about?? You definitely will want to go check out my article on Tracking Arousal instead of Behavior).

The overall big picture?

Offer cues of safety.

Soothe their nervous system.

Provide connection and regulation.

Hang in there.  We can do hard things (I know this, because we are doing them constantly.  Like it or not. It’s clearly not going away).

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Felt-Safety? What’s That?? {EP 17}

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And….how do we create it??

When was the last time you said something like “My head knows that’s true, but my heart doesn’t.”

I said it just yesterday.

Or maybe your inner voice sounds like “I know that’s true, but it doesn’t feel true.”

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Felt-safety is a subjective experience of safety

Subjective meaning that BEING safe doesn’t necessarily FEEL safe.

Without using the logical thinking brain, the lower not-conscious parts of the brain are asking “Am I safe?” every quarter of a second!!!  That’s four times EVERY SECOND. 

“Safe???”

“Not safe????”

This super fast safety detector is looking three different places.

  1. Our inner experience (heart rate, being hungry, even genetics, biology, inflammation, neuroimmune etc.)
  2. The environment
  3. The person I’m with and our relationship.

Three places, four times every second.

It’s actually pretty impossible to wrap our brains around!

How is the brain determining if something is safe or not?

Our brains are designed to be as efficient as possible so we take all our previous experiences, everything we’ve learned in the past (both consciously and unconsciously) and blend that together with the thing that is actually happening in the here and now.

So, your little one who was once picked up from school by a stranger, put in a car, and brought to a new family, never to see their old family again?

Imagine the new school counselor coming to meet your child in class.

New adult.  In professional clothes.  At school.

DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER.

The school counselor isn’t actually dangerous (well, hopefully!!!) BUT the brain took the now experience (new adult, in professional clothes, at school) and blended it together with a previous experience that was very similar.

If the previous experience was scary, dangerous, traumatic, or just extremely memorable (even if it was good!!!) our brain will give a little more weight to the past experience when deciding how to respond to the now experience.

The brain is also pretty preoccupied with keeping us alive.  

If something scary or dangerous happened in the past, the brain realllllly wants us to learn from that experience.  This means that we are much more likely to have a similar “danger danger!!!!!!!!” response- even if the situation isn’t dangerous.

The school counselor scenario is a decent example of how the brain is looking into the environment for felt-safety.

What about looking into the internal experience?

If a child has a history of intense hunger in the past, then maybe even very mild symptoms of hunger pull up a full-blown fight/flight response.

If a child has a history of having a fast beating heart only when something was dangerous (as opposed to when playing or having fun), then a fast beating heart at recess when nothing is truly dangerous may trigger a full-blown fight/flight response.

Our child’s inner experience isn’t just remnants from the past!  All of us have a protective response when we start to feel hunger or thirst or the urge to go to the bathroom.  This response is a way of motivating us to meet our needs.  It signals “something’s not right!” so we do something about it.

Many children (and adults!) also have other brain-based, biology-based, or genetic-based differences that could contribute to a lack of felt-safety.  An illness- even something as small as a cold or a fever!

How about felt-safety from the person I’m with?

This one is tricky.  One of the places our brain is looking to decide if we are safe or not is if the person I’m with is feeling safe or not.

If the person I’m with is in their own fight/flight or fear-based state- regardless of how well they are trying to hide it– I am going to experience that as ‘not safe.’

If a child is with an adult who is experiencing fear themselves- even if that fear is based on the child’s behavior- then that child cannot experience that adult as safe.  And then the child’s nervous system can’t shift into safety and out of fight/flight or collapse.

It’s pretty hard to control if your child receives cues of safety from their inner experience- but it is important to make sure they are fed, watered, and their sensory needs are met.  We can provide medical treatment and prompt diet changes.  Sometimes (and for some families, many/most of the time) there isn’t much we can do to change our child’s internal experience of felt-safety.  But shifting our lens to understanding that the behavior we are seeing makes perfect sense based on our child’s experience helps us stay out of judgement, remain open and compassionate, and allows us to keep sending relational cues of safety.  This isn’t enough- meaning it won’t necessarily change your child’s internal experience- but it’s still important.

It’s not always easy to control if your child receives cues of safety from the environment- but we can provide as much structure, predictability, and routine as possible (and also be aware of what types of experiences feel unsafe to our children and make accommodations).

It’s DEFINITELY not always easy to control how safe or not safe WE are feeling!!!!

We just keep trying. 

As cliché as it is, parents and caregivers really do need to prioritize their own regulation, widening their own window of tolerance, and finding their own experiences of felt-safety.  Self-compassion, playfulness, noticing things that are good and pleasant, and finding places of connection are all great ways to help our bodies notice and experience felt-safety.

Noticing your own internal cues that let you know you are not feeling safe is also important!  Is your voice getting higher?  Are you holding tension in your shoulders?  Is your heart pounding?

Believe it or not, oftentimes just noticing these cues helps us shift how safe we are feeling.  And we can learn a few other tips and tricks- like taking a breath with a long exhale, placing a hand over our heart, or developing a self-compassion mantra.

Felt-safety- a subjective experience based on cues we receive (below conscious awareness) from our inner experience, the environment, and the person/relationship I’m with.

How the Brain Creates Reality

If you are interested in learning a little bit more about how the brain creates it’s own experience of reality- based only partially on what’s actually happening in the here and now– you can read these blog posts:

No Behavior is Maladaptive

Trauma, Memory, and Behavior

And also watch the free three-part video series on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors (and get the free e-book!).

I know that understanding these concepts doesn’t fix all the behaviors- but believe it or not- understanding these concepts is a parenting strategy.  I explain that more in the Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors video series!!!

Keep on keepin’ on….together, we are changing the world….for children, and for everyone.

Robyn

Download the Free Infographic

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Focus on Arousal- Not Behaviors (Part 2) {EP 4}


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Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Or….getting to know your child’s possum brain (and maybe yours, too).

Have you ever looked up from your morning cup of coffee to find a real, live possum sitting on top of your brand new laser-jet printer??????

Or…is that just me?

Yup.  That happened to me.

It was freaky.

And now my friends sometimes bomb my Facebook wall with photos of possums, news stories about possums, and little factoids about possums (North America’s only marsupial!!!  They eat ticks!).

The possum on my printer acted REALLLLLY mad.  It hissed and spewed and screamed this non-scream (seriously, it was so weird).

And then it played possum.  Totally zonkered out.  Which allowed us (ahem, my husband) to safely get the possum into the backyard.  When I checked five minutes later-it had scampered off.

The possum used their fight response (the possum’s watch dog brain!!) to spew and hiss and look really, really mean until that just didn’t work anymore.  So the possum collapsed.

The possum used their possum brain.

The super mean freaky spitting scary possum was really just terrified.

So terrified, it seemed to believe that playing possum was it’s only chance.

And it worked.  The possum was then gently and safely placed in our backyard.  Alive and well.

The total collapse from the possum let me know it was in absolute terror brain.  But just like the watch dog brain goes from alert to alarm to fear to terror, so does the possum.

Remember Dr. Perry’s Arousal Continuum from Part 1?

Today, let’s focus on the possum brain (dissociation continuum).

When humans dip into their possum brain, they are dipping into a brain that believes “I’m probably about to die.”  The possum is actually MORE terrified than the watch dog.  Usually our possum kids have had significant experiences of feeling as though their life was in terrifying danger (this could also be experiences of neglect because neglect is a life threatening experience).

I like to make this clear because possum behaviors SEEM smaller than watch dog behaviors.  The possum shuts down and gets smaller and smaller and smaller.  Less and less and less energy and arousal.  The watch dog gets bigger and bigger and bigger- the watch dog gets our attention.

Possums sometimes slide under the radar- especially if you have a possum AND a watch dog in your family.

Possum behaviors feel less scary but can feel MORE frustrating.

It’s hard to understand being ignored.  The spacey eyes.  The forgetfulness.  Parents of possums need to be regularly reminding themselves that possums are terrified.  They need lots and lots and lots of connection and felt-safety.

The alert possum is just starting to shut down.  This possum might look bored or a little ‘flat’ in the eyes and face.

The alarmed possum can become OVERcompliant (weird that this is a problem right?  But overcompliance is actually pretty dangerous outside the safety of your family).  The alarmed possum can sometimes feel robotic- they tend to say ‘Yes!’ a lot and just do what they are told- without even thinking (again, I know that sometimes this doesn’t seem like a problem but it is.  It’s a pretty unsafe behavior AND shows us that the brain is realllllly afraid).

The fear possum is starting to show body signs of collapse.  Arm and legs lose their energy.  They are slouched over.  They are forgetful, can’t complete tasks that you are confident they know how to do.  They might be using dissociative behaviors- totally immersion in a book or video game or television.

And the terror possum is in complete collapse.  This could be as severe as fainting or falling asleep.

Here’s the most important part!!!

The MOST IMPORTANT TIP when parenting a child in their possum brain is to offer up lots and lots of felt-safety.  I know that it is so frustrating to parent a child in their possum brain but it’s important to stay regulated and connected.  Imagine trying to hurry up a collapsed possum, or fussing at them to “JUST THINK.”  Or my favorite (speaking from experience here, dear ones) tell a possum that “If you would just DO IT instead of procrastinating and fussing, it would be DONE BY NOW!!”

Patience.  Connection.  Boundaries.

A drink and a snack (for real).

Maybe a little bit of movement.

Patience. Connection. Boundaries.  Appropriate expectations.

Parenting a kid in the possum brain is waaaay less about strategies and waaaaaay more about parenting with coregulation and looking for opportunities to create felt-safety.

I know.  It’s really frustrating.

I have a two-page infographic that will help you know what you are looking for with these different levels of arousal in both the watch dog and the possum brain.  When you can recognize behaviors as a cue or a clue that your child is in a certain level of watch dog or possum brain, you’ll increase your compassion, patience, and ability to be helpful.

If you snagged the infographic from Part 1 of this 2-part series on watch dog and possum brains, it’s the same one- you don’t need to sign up again because you already have it!

But if you didn’t get it yet…

Thanks for coming along on this watch dog and possum journey 😊  It’s been fun!!!  I hope to see you back here soon!

Robyn

PS Oh yeah!!! If you haven’t read part 1, you can read it by CLICKING HERE.

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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We are always searching…and yearning…for connection {EP 28}


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Keep reading or listen on my podcast!

“Connection is a Biological Imperative.”  Stephen Porges, MD

Connection is actually our default.  Meaning- we assume connection.  It’s a given.

When connection is missing, we get a bit stressed.

It’s like getting a bit stressed when we’re hungry.  The stress puts our body into motion so we find food.

This is protective.  It’s not bad. It get’s us moving so we can get our needs met.

The stress of missing connection is the same.

We search for it.

We behave in ways that get people’s attention.

Maybe we get whiney.  Our voice gets a little louder and a little higher pitched.

Our movements might get a teeny bit more agitated.

We get a little persistent.  HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Think about the last time you took a phone call.  Or buried your face in a Facebook post.  (Hey- no judgment here- my face is buried in social media a lot…I’m working on it).

Was someone in your family needing your attention almost immediately???

Of course.  Because all the sudden you weren’t available for connection.  And humans sniff that out a mile away!

The idea that connection is a biological imperative- meaning it’s an innate part of who we are as humans, and we can’t lose it- is important to hold on to if you spend a lot of time with someone who seems to reject connection at every pass.  Someone who behaves in a way that makes it seem as though the LAST thing they want is connection.

Do you know someone like that?  Parent someone like that?

That is exhausting work.

Exhausting.  Demoralizing.  Hopeless.

Except…it truly isn’t hopeless.  But it does, indeed, FEEL hopeless.

If connection is a biological imperative, believing in connection isn’t hopeless.

It FEELS hopeless.

Really and truly, I get that.  I get that feeling of hopeless in my bones.

But hopelessness is just a symptom.

Hopeless is what existed to set a person up to become someone who rejects, sabotages, or refuses connection.

Read that part again.

Hopeless is what existed to set a person up to become someone who rejects, sabotages, or refuses connection.

Your child who rejects connection to the point you feel hopeless?

This is a child who yearned for connection with such intensity, and didn’t find the connection that was needed with such frequency, that THEY became hopeless.

Hopeless is a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE way to feel.

Being powerful enough to reject connection, to set people up to reject you, to be constantly looking for PROOF that connection doesn’t exist- that’s powerful.

Or at least it’s a more powerful feeling than hopeless.

Hopeless is a nothing.

Rejection is a something.

Something feels better than nothing.

Imagine having been so hurt by connection that you orchestrate your entire life around rejecting connection.

Some of you reading might not have to imagine hard.

Either because you live with that person….or sometimes you are that person.

Can you hold hopelessness with the belief that connection is a biological imperative?

It’s there somewhere?

It’s hidden.

But it’s there.

It’s devastatingly sad to think that someone has had such terrifying experiences with connection that they have to work that hard to avoid connection.

If connection wasn’t a biological imperative, they wouldn’t have to work so hard to avoid it.

But it is.  It’s there.  I promise you.

The rejection is a reflection of the pain.  Of the need for protection.

The greater the intensity of the rejection, the greater the intensity of the pain.

Holding onto the belief that connection is a biological imperative might allow you to keep offering connection, despite the constant rejection.

Holding onto the belief that connection is a biological imperative might allow you to not take the rejection personally.  To feel deep sadness, compassion, and empathy that this person was hurt so badly by connection that they are now working this hard to avoid that level of hurt from ever happening ever again.

What changes for you if we reframe a child’s rejection of you, of connection, as a symptom that shows us how deeply they’ve been hurt by connection in the past?  Of a symptom of how exhaustingly hard they have to work to ward of connection- because it’s a biological imperative?

My hope is that it provides you with a moment of ease.  A moment of ‘this isn’t my fault- and it isn’t theirs either.’  And maybe even a moment of gratitude for their protective parts who are working so hard to prevent that level of pain from ever happening again.  A moment of gratitude that comes wrapped in grief for the tragedy of what they are missing- of the pain that they are causing themselves in attempt to prevent pain.

My heart aches for you- the person who loves someone who rejects connection.

My heart aches for everyone who rejects connection.

To reject the life preserver when you are drowning because you believe the life preserver will kill you.

If you can, keep offering it.

And I’ll keep offering it to you.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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