As we transition to thinking about behavior as simply an externalization of inner experience, and we get better and better at looking at what’s underneath the behavior, and considering the regulation, connection and the felt safety that’s under the behavior, sometimes we get the feeling that we aren’t paying attention to the actual behavior at all.
And then that gives us the feeling (and sometimes it becomes the reality) that we are parenting in a way that feels really boundaryless and permissive. Permissive parenting is not good for us. It’s not good for our kids’ experience of felt safety.
The reality is that this way of parenting–parenting with this level of connection and coregulation, with a focus on felt safety, actually tends to have more boundaries and higher boundaries.
Boundary does not mean punishments and rewards.
The dominant paradigm in our culture is that the way to change behavior is with punishment and reward, so it’s no wonder that many of us have some confusion about what boundary really means. Oftentimes when people say they “set a boundary” that’s really just code for “give a punishment.” Sometimes, when we say “set a boundary” we mean “enforce a rule.”
In fact, with all this confusion, knowing the difference between a boundary, a rule and a punishment is kind of tricky! So what do each of these mean?
Rules are a set of guidelines that help us know what is an expected and acceptable behavior.
Punishments are something that we do with the intention of causing somebody enough pain or enough discomfort that they modify that behavior to avoid that pain in the future.
Boundaries are about ME
Boundaries are not about my attempt to control anyone else’s behavior. They’re about what I will or will not tolerate in relationship and how I will respond if the expectations of our relationship aren’t followed.
Example: If the rule is we talk to each other respectfully, my boundary might be that I take a break from the conversation if you aren’t talking to me respectfully.
Now, I know you are asking yourself- but what do I do if my child violates that boundary or breaks a rule. Next week we’ll look at how one of jobs as a parent is to create an environment that sets our kids up for success. It often means we need to increase the scaffolding and co-regulation. We actually commonly refer to this as boundaries, too. I think of this more like if boundaries were a noun. Like- a fence is a boundary. A container is a boundary. Containers create safety that allow our kids to be successful. That’s the kind of boundaries we’ll talk about next week.
But what about when our kids have behaviors that violate our boundaries yet we absolutely do not have the power to change their behavior? Like verbal aggression, or repeated, obsessively asking for something- not taking no for an answer. In a couple weeks, Julianne Taylor Shore will talk to us about how to strengthen our energetic and psychological boundaries, particularly when our kids are violating our boundary about how they treat us- so that we can stay regulated enough to offer our kids the co-regulation, felt safety, and connection they need for their watchdog and possum brain to stay safe and their owl brain to have the opportunity to return.
Once their owl brain has returned, I can then decide if there are things I need to put into place to help my child’s success be inevitable in the future.
Do they need more co-regulation?
More structure?
More support?
Next week- set our kids up for success by increasing connection, co-regulation, structure and scaffolding.
Listen on the Podcast
This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’
